Tu na ho to main kahaan hun??

Well, I remember (with a lot of horror) the last two new years. When people happen to revel in their own happiness and celebrations, seldom do they understand what happens to someone who's not quite in the mood. I am now helplessly waiting for the same torture to begin. People shouting fanatically - Happy New Year.

This is something I don't understand. What changes with a year. But forget it. It's not important.

Well, for one thing, 2011 was eventful. Two Europe trips and the short trip to Delhi were the major highlights. After 2007, this was the maximum travel I ever had in life. And I lived in absolute luxury. First the Europe accommodation was wonderful, then, in general the money that came in was like - never before.

Another high point was - I got a real good friend, and had a lot of adventure as our relationship matured. Tears or smiles, whatever he has given me, at length, I treasure him because - whatever happens, he is one person I can tell in the face, whatever I think. This kind of rapport I never had with anyone. It'd be like - you know what, you are my best friend. You know, I feel I can't do without you. You know, I feel I love you, and can even think of marrying you. I don't understand you. I feel I am collapsing, can you help me to recover? Anything and everything I'd tell him. And since he is like a rock, it doesn't matter much. He never reacts and knows I am crazy :)

2011 ended with me my mobile being stolen. The last thing that used to remind me of Anand. We had gone and bought it together. He had chosen it for me, said, it'd look good in my hand. 29th December evening, as I was returning home, a black doggy was run over by the bus I was in, and then while getting down from the bus, somebody picked up the mobile. When the initial bit of agitation had died down, first apprehension I had was - is he ok? I have no way to know that. But in all probability he'd be ok only. Got a new mobile. But what to do about the 2 year long data that had gotten accumulated? The sms's, the pictures, the voice and song recordings. Was particularly feeling sorry about the sms's we have been sharing in our 1 year of friendship. They have a certain quaint enigmatic beauty about them. My hugely emotional ones compared to his, "Nonsense" and "Idiot man u r" ones. He told me, he'd forward me all the sms's - said, "You have a backup man". This is what I love about him. He can do anything to me, but I can't stop loving him ever. I don't know, I am now too weak to make predictions, but somehow I have this strong intuition, that we won't ever be able to break up completely.

Well, would also like to mention the antakshari competition we had in office. High points were, to get a chocolate for singing two so called difficult songs (how can songs I like be difficult for me - I literally live with them) - being offered to sing on company day (who knows whether I'd be there till then) - fighting and getting a consolation prize (a steel tiffin box) - and well being forced to sing "I wanna make love to you" - the Aitraaz song, amidst a hooting office crowd, I was so desperate to win you see. I had this one chance to make up for all that has been going on in life, his reluctance to commit, the depression that resulted, the ill health, the hopelessness, the mobile tragedy, everything I wanted to drown.

I didn't actually know, I can sing "yeh kahaan aagaye hum" so well. "Sawan barse tarse dil" was different - it is my all time favorite, even it was Anand's favorite as well, he always used to ask me to sing it (God only knows why I remember him so much). But the Silsila song, I had never ever sung aloud even. You see I am a principled girl and extra marital affair is not my preferred topic. But it's true that I did receive a clap from the entire audience after singing the song. It was an amazing feeling. It was my small tribute to him, to let him know what I have been feeling recently. I feel so surprised at times, do I really love this thin, black, idiot of a man to this extent? But then, see the video of the Silsila song once. See Rekha's spontaneity in it. You just might understand :)

By the way, Happy New Year 2012. 20.12.2012 is a Thursday this time. My 33rd birthday. And the world is supposed to end the next day. Let's see.

A forgotten 24th December...

There's less than 12 hours left and I definitely don't want to go back. But, when does my wish count. Firstly, treachery is not my forte. I can't just make up a story and say that for so and so reason I cannot join back office in next two weeks or 1 month. I am imaginative enough to make up a 100 convincing stories, but I cannot tell a lie. I'll be caught, the moment I open my mouth. So I simply give in and board the "on time" indigo flight.

Sooner or later I do need to take the decision. It is scary to lose the steady flow of money. But at the same time, I just can't handle this situation. I don't have any hope left in life, relying on which I can sustain a lonely life. I need my parents, I need Kolkata. I just pray to God, that He gives me courage enough, to do the right thing.

One more small thing I wanted to write. It feels strange to have lost him all of a sudden, entirely. He doesn't seem a part of me anymore. I don't feel like sharing my thoughts and small pleasures of life with him. It's not detachment. It's indeed a break up. As a result of which I don't succumb to any pain, I just try even more furiously to live, live on my own. How strange, now that I write this, I realize, I didn't even remember the first anniversary of our meeting. None of us did. In 1 year, we went through everything. Even the end.

Do or die?

Did I ever tell you...I love Karan Johar's cut shots in Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham during Shah Rukh and Kajol's marriage? Well, that's among the most beautiful form of art I have ever seen. It spells commitment. And it shows so naturally, the turmoils a human mind goes through, during the critical moment of decision making.

I have often wondered if the same can be replicated in writing. Cut shots. In words.

When he did call the next morning, I spontaneously started crying.
"You really forgot? How on earth could that be possible?"
"I did"
"That shows you don't even think about me, I'm so stupid to give you this much importance, you don't even care..."
"I do"

The typical Taurus. You can't make them speak more than this. But they manage to comfort. But how much? Not much.

For love once lost, doesn't come back. Never comes back. But thoughts do. Millions of thoughts. All of a sudden, I discover numerous things in tandem.

I love my home. I hate my job.
I love Kolkata. I don't like Bangalore half as much.
I love the way my room here is so full of sunshine and warmth. I hate the dreary Bangalore flat.
It costs me nothing to stay here. It'd cost me a lakh of deposit + 10K monthly rent to get a better place in Bangalore.
I don't have a job in Kolkata. I have a job in Bangalore.
I have saved enough. I can have a lavish break for minimum 1 year, which I guess I deserve.
Kolkata Bookfair - Janurary 3rd week. Bangalore has nothing for me.
Kolkata - winter's lovely, but summer's scary. Bangalore climate suits me in an evergreen way.
Kolkata is like a quilt. Bangalore's like a thorn.

When I changed my job in 2010, I didn't have anything in Bangalore. But at least I was looking forward to a new life, new people, new surroundings, onsite opportunity. That kind of kept me going.

Today, I literally don't find any attraction in Bangalore. There's no point torturing this one soul, who just tried to help, but simply can't commit to me. When somethings just can't happen, no point in pursuing that.

On the other hand, Kolkata has movies. Bengali books. Kolkata has mom and dad. Kolkata has my favorite foods, be it street junks like roll and papdi chat (I can bet you'll never try papdi chat anywhere else) - ohh the awesome fish batter fry, the moghlai paratha and kolkata biriyani - and ohh ohh the bengali breakfast of radhaballavi and aludam - not to mention the sweets, especially my favorite...rabdi. Takes away all frustrations in life. Over that the awesome food my mom makes. What else do you need to live life? And of course, Kolkata has my granny. My one and only granny of 77 years, who climbs up to 1st floor to comfort me, all on her own, when I am crying behind closed doors, and won't be calmed down by anyone else (Prior to this she called me on my phone - whereas during normal times she can't understand how a mobile operates). My very loving, yet ruthlessly practical (another Sagittarian) pink complexioned, wrinkle free, beautiful granny, who probably doesn't have many more years to live. Isn't it my duty to give her company and run small errands for her? And then, this lady became a widow at 30 and brought up a girl child solely on her husband's pension. So, why can't me, the millionaire, take a risk of leaving my job? Come on, let's face it. What? Career goes for a toss? I spend all my money and become a pauper? Can't help my family if there is a medical emergency?

Amolkanti roddur hote cheyechhilo...amolkanti roddur hote pareni...

Shouldn't I even give it a try, to become sunshine? For these 32 years, I have been depressed, and have dutifully ignored that depression and lived life as if I'm a machine. Come what may, I want to live a year like a proper normal living being, preferably a winged creature :)

To think of it, I don't need a husband. I don't need company. I can do without an offspring. For God's sake, for 32 years in life, I have been doing without myself. Now all I want is to live. No more planning, no more dreaming. From last night, all I'm praying is - let the next few hours never get over. Let Sunday never come. I don't want to leave my city.

Today morning started with a minor attack of asthma, after a long time. Showed signs yesterday night itself, and worsened gradually. I took preventive medicines, and afternoon was much better, except a terrible headache. I had promised to myself I won't take painkillers, but was forced to take one after almost a year, because even coffee didn't help. But at heart I knew that the main cause of my ailment was the ticking time. If ever I wanted to take a decision, it's now. God, please give me courage that I can resign from my job. My job doesn't buy me life. It's here, and it comes for free.

My beagle, whom I have named Kutua (his good name is Sangeet Ray) has a pretty stupid and obstinate face, like mine. He's giving me company, as I write this in the middle of the night. Another 60 hours or so of life is left in my city. I hope I can make up my mind by then. If I decide to come back, I'll get the entire gang of Neelu, Appu, Pinkpong and everyone else. Will get Nupur from downstairs. Then we'll stay here happily, in this beautiful room with two huge windows. We'll read a lot, write a lot, watch movies, and watch TV (these days I watch at least 3 hours of Bengali programs - believe me or not). I shall even get my painting stuff, why not? Aah, sounds too good to be true. Let's see.

Birthday...

Bittersweet is a very common phrase. There must be a reason why we are taught not to bare ourselves completely. Because, when you learn, that what you were trying to give, from the innermost core of your heart, was not important enough (or important at all) to the other person, then you feel very weak, very lost.

To think, I am a proper Sagittarian. To think, when I dream, it doesn't know any bound. And from the first day that I have understood love, I have always felt (and dreamed) that my partner will love me even more than I do.

I might be a very wretched person. But my birthday is important to me. I know now how overboard I had gone. How much I had dreamed without deserving it. To think of aiming for Pegasus when I am totally irrelevant in his life.

I remember two years back, hoping against hope that he will call once, he will never manage to leave me forever. And I remember my bossie's mails. Boasting how consistently he manages to forget my birthday every time. But, this time, swear on God, I didn't foresee that he won't even care to wish me.

Birthday was otherwise good. High point being the meeting with Ananya, and the spontaneous tears we shed together, the shopping we did, the toddlers' film (even children's film will be an understatement for Gosaibaganer Bhoot) we watched together...and in general the madness we enjoyed.

I close the day with a song which both inspires and haunts:

Jeevan ke dukhon se yun darrte nahi hai...
Aise bachke sach se gujarte nahi hai...
Sukh ki hai chah to dukh bhi sehna hai...

I'd very much like to have an idea just how much dukh should be enough...to at least be able to dream about sukh without this terrible repentance.

When the most important person in your life manages to make you cry on your birthday, just tell me, if any repentance is enough to make up for giving him the pedestal?

Anyways, thanks to the numerous people for whom I have probably never spared a thought, but who happened to wish me. They have taught me a very big lesson.

useless holiday...hopeless birthday...

I love to write, and thank God for that. If this vent had not been there, I don't know in what way I'd have succumbed.

I literally feel like doing what I plan to do tomorrow. Roam around aimlessly. Because I don't know what else to do.

Just a couple of days back I was writing about stability. And tonight, alone in a room, half hungry, half dazed, I question myself, what is stability? I remember an O Henry story, name I have forgotten, a girl...was very hungry, on the verge of death, when a guy mistakenly knocks at her flat. I have waited all my life for that kind of romance. But, at length, an apt description of myself would be - I'm but a kid.

It's not that men don't face this. There are men who depend on women, who dread her loss. Not my men, or at least, they don't feel this particular emotion for me.

World doesn't work the way I want. What happened so far, I had imagined, but I was never convinced that this would happen. But, still it did. Now I'm convinced that this would go no further. So things get complicated.

I'm one terribly impatient person. That adds to the problem. I demand things I don't have any means to achieve. All of a sudden, I'd demand friends, I'd demand I talk with someone whole night, I party, I go for long bike rides. How the hell do I make this possible? And worse thing, I demand change from people who won't change. Who don't like to change.

I feel it in my veins that the end is pretty near. Ok, I have fought for the last two years, and outwardly survived pretty successfully. This year would be difficult. And I need him for a little while more. Way I need my inhaler at times these days. I know this is madness, but I want to give in. I really must praise my friend for saying the most apt thing on earth - whichever guy she chooses hands her his marriage card. This time, I'd cling on to the guy even till the eve of his marriage. After that - we'll think.

Perhaps this is going to be my last visit to my hometown. I can't handle the whims of my parents anymore. They are too narrow minded. I wonder why I didn't see this before. It's ok. Someday or the other, I had to start living alone, like an island. I'm glad it has come at last.

Why the hell did I decide to come home for my birthday? I can very well foresee what kind of birthday I'd be having. Had I been in Bangalore, I'm sure it wouldn't have been worse. I'll certainly finish off the beer. That's one thing I'll do on my birthday. Cheers to life :)

When was it that I first said my golden words? Don't remember exactly, must be sometime in school. Why does 20th December come at all? Why isn't 19th followed by 21st? Funny thing is, nothing has changed in 20 odd years. The question still lingers. Why was I born?

Proud to be an idiot...

Way a friend talks to a friend.
Way a person repents.
Way lovers kiss for the first time.
Way a decision is taken.
Way one wakes up...and ponders on the first thought that comes to mind.
Way I realized that love is wonderful.

What else could I have done? He's not a black box to me. In fact I'm the person who knows things about him even he doesn't know. So what else could I have done?

I will stop thinking about this. How many years are left for me? 60? At max? How is it difficult to break up this time period, into small chunks of 16 hours, considering sleep doesn't elude me, and I have full 8 hours of peace. These 16 hours can again be broken up into smaller chunks of 1, 2 or 4 hours at max, and all I need to do is to find worthwhile work to fill up this time.

I don't believe in arranged marriages. Not that I won't marry. I'll marry once I meet my soul mate...but that should be accidental, not premeditated. Everyone has a goal in life, right? My goal is to find that one person, who will understand me. Who will protect me, and love me blindly. I can wait all my life for that person. As I have written here so many times, in my childhood, I always wanted a daughter for myself. Then one day, Rito told me, I'd never have a daughter, it's not there in my horoscope. In some things, I believe in astrology. This was one. So...slowly I adapted myself, to the idea of having a son. You see, I tend to accept. I'm not the revolting type. Then, in my worse time, this son became my obsession. Two years back, after my break up, all I wanted was to get married, and have a child. I even repented often, that had I actually compromised and gotten married, even if the marriage would have lasted a little while, I could have had a kid, someone to hold on to for life. Reason why I was so keen on an early marriage was also the fact that I might be running out of time. But as I said, I have managed to accept now. I shall never have a child, never do justice to the point that God created me as a woman. I am also bringing myself in terms with other things. I might soon be losing my mental capability to do my work properly. I might face a lonely death. But who cares?

It's not because of him. First thing I'd do is to alienate myself from him. For he deserves a decent life by all means. But, it's something so difficult, I can't even think of it. This has never happened. He's the first person with whom my ego has willingly lost the battle. In my worst bouts of anger also, all I want is to hold his hand and just be with him. I have become so much like him, that I have started thinking like him. Thinking on the spur of the moment. Just imagine, I, the calculative, contemplative me. I seriously don't think about tomorrow anymore. So I'm no one to confirm what I shall be doing tomorrow. I'm indeed thankful to God that he has given me my independence of choice. I choose to destroy myself.

A small thing I cannot help writing about. Of the myriads of things we talked about yesterday night, one point struck me particularly. He said something like, way my past relationship deteriorated over 5 years, our relation might have a similar fate. And I found myself shouting at him, who has stayed with Anand for 5 years, and has stayed with you as well? Who knows it better? And as I slept, and as I woke up in the morning, all that filled my mind, was the comfort I have with him. Way even when we curse each other, it's so full of love and respect. Way I never get angry with him actually. I'm very sure, even after he gets married to another girl, I'll never blame him (I'll feel bad, but that's my own feeling)...and most of all, I remembered Deepti's mail. She was working on something, and she remembered WG at every step - she wrote to me saying, how she realized he's her guiding star. And I remembered how...I lost the person I loved most, because of him. Neither can I go back to that state again (I have tried). Love a person who never loved me back? NO WAY.

All I know is, he loves me a lot. And same here. I don't know how long this will last. I'm sure my mind will change after his marriage. It will be too late for me to get married then. All accepted, I cannot consent now, for marriage with someone else. You may call it serial monogamy, but I have my own definition of commitment, and I must stick to that.

Abhimaan...

Excerpts from a certain edition of The Telegraph - Calcutta:

Educationist Pabitra Sarkar says it is difficult to find the English equivalents of two kinds of words in Bengali. One: cultural terms like abhisar and abhiman, used to such rich effect in Vaishnava padabalis.

Abhiman: The original meaning was pride, but the current usage — anger, or something close to it, at being upset with a loved one. This one word is one whole chapter in any relationship, be it between lovers or between parent and child or between siblings or friends. Or just think Radha, when Krishna comes back after having spent the night with Chandrabali.

Poet Sankha Ghosh misses the emotion in the word abhiman in the English vocabulary. “Try to translate it. Abhiman is not anger or sorrow. It is a temporary expression of a feeling about a loved one that he or she is supposed to address. People speaking in other languages must also be feeling the sentiment. I wonder how they express it,” he says.

Abhimaan will soon become my most favorite word, if it's already not the one.

Abhimaan is something that stems from love. It comes only when someone declares you to be precious, through act or words, that you feel abhimaan subsequently, when you lose that position. It's the trauma of internal hemorrhage, you feel the lack of care so intensely, yet you cannot plead, neither can you understand why on earth are you being punished, what has changed in the meanwhile.

I try to be normal. I try not to be obsessive. The anger comes out in a more skewed way than I could ever imagine. I don't know why I am being forced to go through this. A clear NO would solve my problem. But that won't come. I'm losing my patience in its entirety. I hate situations which I can't explain.

Today I went to meet a friend. A very old school friend, whom I was meeting almost after 13 years. She, by the way, is perfectly nice, except for some traits which I can't support. She can be very bitter and one sided in criticism. Things that I can naturally accept...she can't. Things like a friend's small and cluttered house. My house was never well decorated (recently things are getting better) - so I never felt it can be some big deal. And, fact is that I tend to accept things the way they are. I don't ask questions. Surprising thing was, when I visited the house of this particular friend, I found it in a much worse condition than either mine or the previous friend's house she had criticized. That kind of made me conclude that she must love criticism. But apart from this one small thing, she really isn't harmful. And though I was a bit stiff during the meeting, said the right things, paid for the food and tried to be in sync with her thoughts (I had actually thought of wearing salwar suit and gold ornaments so that she doesn't find me ultra modern - but finally ended up wearing jeans and a pretty revealing t-shirt), the meeting did go well. I mean school...brings back a lot of memories. School was something crazy, some good time. However in between the conversation, she did say something like - one other common friend, via another common friend had intimated her about my break up, in a sentence like - whichever guy she finds, hands her his marriage card.

Frankly speaking, it didn't matter much if a common friend has actually used this sentence (or a thought like - what a laughing stock I must be among my friends - didn't really occur). What I felt is a terrible abhimaan. I had given up on life, on hopes. And he knew that. He knew me better than any other man has ever known. I am surprised to realize, he never knew what a single touch of his can do to me. And he doesn't understand how his ignorance drives me mad. None of my so called friends know about him. Hardly anyone would realize that yet another break up has occurred in my life, if we part ways now. Those who know, tried their best to stop me, and would sigh and accept the fact that I deserved it. But I'd always remember how it all got repeated. How yet another time, a person whom I have loved, handed me his marriage invitation. This time, it's my best friend who did it. Tell me, is it indeed possible to accept this situation ever? To tell myself, that he didn't do it purposefully - he's a kid? He wasn't a kid when he comforted me, he tried to induce new life in me, he made me laugh like a child. He was a proper grown up sensitive person. Now, that things didn't work out, and unlike my friend, I don't really tend to criticize people, he becomes a kid, is it?

Why are men like this? Why was Shri Krishna so insensitive to Radhika, and we still worship him? And can I call him my best friend anymore? I'm hurt, I'm hurt...

A thoughtful day...

A while back...I was really shy about socializing. But frankly speaking, I loved it today. It was one of my cousin's marriage reception. And the first Bengali marriage I'm attending in a loooooooooong time, if I'm not mistaken, it's been more than seven years.

Too engrossed I have been with my life. Didn't even notice how time has flown by. Kids whom I have literally seen crawling, are getting married. Gives you goosebumps almost.

Though I'm not keeping well ever since I've come to Kolkata, I still gave my fullest enthusiasm to today's event. Did a proper make up, wore a gorgeous saree. Some person in some snacks corner in the venue actually called me bou-di (way they call married ladies) - all thanks to my never before big red bindi and brownish lipstick :)

I loved to meet my relatives. Most of whom I'm meeting almost at a gap of more than 10 years. Uncles and aunts and grannies who have pampered me as I have grown up. I felt how much love I have concealed in myself over the years, as I spontaneously ran to them and embraced them after touching their feet. To think, I kept telling myself that nobody loves me, and I completely forgot these faces.

Once particularly emotional time was the first meeting of all my grandma's siblings. Two brothers have passed away, but 4 sisters and the youngest brother still live. They were meeting each other after a long time. In this time, they have experienced bereavements and misunderstandings and family feuds, but the sibling love seemed unaltered, in fact it seemed to have grown.

My maternal uncles and aunts couldn't stop exclaiming how similar I look to my mom. Actually I myself discovered the similarity is obvious. In the saree, I literally looked my mom's clone. And not to be modest, I looked extremely pretty, the authentic Bengali girl. After a long time I loved myself so completely.

Icing on the cake was my last moment meeting with Jhumi didi. All through the evening I kept telling everyone, I wish I'd be able to meet Jhumi didi...haven't seen her for ages. Luckily just as we were leaving, her car arrived. Once again I ran to embrace, my wonderfully talented sister, and all she could say is - you have grown up...you have grown up. Jhumi didi to me...will never be the most educated lady in the family. She will always be the pillar of strength. I was a toddler in the school, she was in the highest class in junior school - everyday, during break, she'd make it a point that she comes to meet me in my class. That I have such a big sister to protect me, was such a comfort in a rather unknown place that school was initially...loved to meet her after such a long time...old memories never fade...do they?

Some obvious thoughts that came to my mind today was regarding my marriage. My preferences apart, shouldn't I give my parents a chance to feel this happiness? Why should I keep torturing them for my inexplicable whims for undeserving people? Is it really so difficult to settle down with a person of their choice?

And as I kept thinking about this, only one person came to my mind...a person who doesn't seem to care...is it that I'm too much in a hurry that I don't have time to read his mind? Or is it that I am too much in love with him to accept the truth, that he is not even thinking about it? My love stories don't usually work out right? At times people lose interest after 5 years of courtship, at times barely within two months, at times they don't know my mind at all, or perhaps knowingly ignore. How long can this child's play go on? I know life has a lot of loopholes may be, but life has these immense satisfactions too. Of seeing your family tree grow, giving birth to your kids, getting them educated, marrying them off, welcoming the grand kids, and what can be more pleasurable than bringing home the grand daughter in law - to continue the legacy.

I have to take time and think...but I can't continue this directionless life anymore...

Kolkata...again...

I seek stability. Most of all, more than anything else in life. Homecoming is sweet, the only thorn that hurts is - this is but a transient phase. Two weeks will go by in a moment.

Not that I don't like Bangalore. As I was walking back home on Thursday evening, I did feel a pang. Felt as if I'd miss everything, each stall on the roadside, each individual doggy, black, brown or tawny colored, each familiar face, the myriad of thoughts I have in my mind, as I walk home, a time which is very much mine, very much stress free, after a long tiring day. Once I reach home new frustrations would start, existing confusions would persist. So I very much enjoy those few moments of walking - as my ipod would inevitably play.

I thought of writing a small entry one day, somehow that never happened. Now I don't remember the incidents clearly, but still want to write about it - so that I can explain what this walk means to me. That morning, so far as I remember, it was still October, and I was kind of on top of the world. As I walked towards the bus stand, I remembered Shanu. I somehow sketched a picture of visiting her once again in Delhi, this time not alone. Though I wholeheartedly admit I am a most imaginative person, still there is a distinct reason behind this particular thought. Those couple of days spent in Delhi were among my happiest. For I am quite sure now, I'll never have a baby girl, which has probably been my oldest dream in life. In Shanu I could see my own reflection. Her sulking, her tantrums, and her sitting in one corner, well hidden behind the sofa and shedding silent tears - her incessant attempts of keeping everyone happy and at the same time maintaining her whims - and all those times spent with her sitting on my belly and talking incessantly with me. "Pishi..." in her sweet shrill voice. And the thoughts would come to me once in a while, I was just realizing them, they were very nascent, but I'd still feel his nearness somehow, and get goosebumps...

So for some reason, I was weaving this sweet picture, when we were visiting Shanu, and I'd try my best to impress on her how stupid her uncle is :) Shanu has a great sense of humor. She knows only two Indian languages, Hindi and Bengali. She'd make sure that for people who don't know both, she speaks in the unknown language, so that she remains incomprehensible. Now, I just wondered what Shanu would probably do to her uncle, who unfortunately, cannot speak well in any language on earth.

Something went awry in a huge way that day. As I returned home that night, I reflected, how transformed my thoughts are. The morning's ideas were no more of any relevance. I silently apologized to Shanu, Shanu sweety, sorry, me and you won't ever be able to make fun of him I guess...I walked on...I looked around, I told myself, perhaps this is my life, this familiar road, walking back home everyday, the same shops, the same smell of food, people speaking on the phone, chatting with friends, boy and girl walking hand in hand, and me - just reminiscing or contemplating, never living in the present, never expecting anything to happen, which would make NOW worthwhile.

This walk in a way, symbolizes me, moving on for nothing. I don't know what lies ahead, all I know is, in all probability it is nothingness.

So...when at the end of that nothingness, there is a short visit to home, followed by void, more travel, more lack of plans and more unmet dreams, how on earth can someone be contented? Oh, if it were that I don't have the ingredients to cook, that could have been an unfortunate situation, and I'd rather remain hungry. But what does one do when the things just won't get cooked? they just remain raw, and I have to hold my patience - when 90% chance is that it'd get burnt? How long can someone keep hoping? At best I can get a new ration, get new vessels, new fuel too..but isn't it practically impossible to continue this experiment eternally?

I don't know...the sparrow outside the window, whom I met today afternoon, asked me to hold on...it was a tiny little being, perhaps not even fully grown. But it seemed wiser than me. "See, I'm just learning to fly...and you are thinking of giving up?"

Tere bina beswadi beswadi ratiya...o sajna...

As was the case with the Raaz song, this song kept coming back to me in the past few days...in the middle of all work, all of a sudden a voice would come out with utmost pain...Katena Katena Tere Bina...

I didn't have the remotest idea that this would happen. Thankfully, now I have been able to gather enough work in office to save myself from thinking. I really should thank my employers for treating me so liberally. What I have not gained in the last one year. I should be happy, way my career is developing. A particularly happy event was receiving a mail from the CEO, welcoming me to my new role. Simply loved it. He was the only person I shared the mail with. We had some casual communication, thanks to that mail. Probably the only communication we had this week, apart from his sms's and missed calls. That too has stopped now.

It feels so empty at moments. Somethings are a common trait in our relationship. Like my crying in Volvo buses. Firstly, the Volvo buses make you feel comfortable (except the conductor's reluctance to give 5 Rs change). Then, most people are dozing off. So you can indulge your break down. Today for example, I was as usual tuned in to my ipod. The song from Chak De India, Maula mere le le meri jaan...was playing. Suddenly I remembered my SG days. This was a particular favorite of Sambit. And inevitably I remembered him. Way he would comment on my thoughts (there was this line tija tera rang ttha main to - I explained it as - the color of their flag is the third color of our flag - my my he made such a strange face and burst into laughter) - that memory should have actually made me laugh, but suddenly, I felt excruciating pain. Somehow, away from everyone's eyes, I rubbed off my tears.

I have well planned agendas these days. Come back home and watch so and so movie (I am even watching stuff like Bodyguard - well Kareena and her dresses were quite good to look at) - or probably...sleep early. Something that won't make me wait for him, his calls (which I won't anyways pick up), and his subsequent sms's.

I laugh at myself and tell, let it be. It's over now. It wouldn't have worked out anyways. And yet...all that comes back in return is...aaja katena ratiya...

Today's agenda was...to write up the expenses for November. First I had to put in a lot of effort to locate the last updated expenses file in my mail box. Then after a lot of wrong versions that I downloaded, finally, when I checked the final file, it was updated till Oct 28th.

So I returned to my draft folder in the mobile, where I just note down the expenses, not the description (I guess I already mentioned this in some August entry). And the day, not the date. So 29th Oct was noted as fr 480 20. I began reluctantly, what's this 480 man - must be some dinner I had with bro. 20? Auto fare may be. But as is my habit, I wanted to remember. Which dinner? And then it came back to me. Excerpts of things he had told that day. "You are the only one I'm telling this", "Why do I tell u everything", "I can't express emotions"...everyday from the Volvo bus, I'd painfully look at the window seat at Transit and relive that day. But see, I had forgotten which day. Well, thankfully 31st October was not eventful. My iball earphone had finally stopped working so I had to buy a new one. Since there was no branded one, I got a local one for Rs 90 (which by the way stopped working last week). Apart from that, bus fare and lunch.

Then came 1st November. Curious figures. Tu 7 4 10. I was once again bowled over. This is no stone age, that bus would take 7 or 4 instead of 11. Not even 10. If I'm unable to give change, he'll keep entire 20 Rs but not take 10 :) Then what. I kept pondering, 1st November, was it a holiday? Yes of course it was, Kannada Rajyotsava. But what did I do? And then it all came back. That was probably the maddest thing I have ever done in my life. That day told me just how much I am in love with him (without any apparent reason - as the dumb head simply doesn't deserve me) - that day kind of changed me. Probably what I did last Saturday night (oh when will Saturday nights stop making me crazy?) was the culmination of what I did on November 1st. Ab tere bina Sajna Sajna Kate Katena...once again...

He's not the first man I've been with. Not the closest I've come to any man. Then why should he be allowed to cause so much turmoil in my mind. How can he make me so lifeless? This has never happened, never ever happened.

This is for him...even if we never speak to each other again...

O Humdum Bin Tere Kya Jeena?

New Moon...

I love the fact that my mind has such an independent identity. She is a real proud soul. And she doesn't feel embarrassed about her whims.

I am a romantic soul. Period. Even if the entire world turns pathetically practical, I won't. I quite liked the way Rajeev Masand reviewed Breaking Dawn Part 1. He actually said something like - for those of us who are not a fan of the twilight series, it is a pleasant thought that there is only one more movie to go. Hearing this review, I had almost made up my mind not to watch the movie.

And then I thought, let's watch the trailers once. And I loved it so.

See, fairy tales don't happen. Agreed. You don't find a live Edward Cullen. True. But then, is that reason enough that I should kill my basic nature? NO.

I can stop loving people who don't love me back. May be I can. But why should I stop loving my dreams? If it takes 2 hours of watching the movie alone, I am ok about it. I will go and watch it all the same. Twilight series, and the support it had given me during tough times, deserve this much.

They are wrong when they say love never dies. Love dies only by one method. The one described in Taare Zameen Par. When the tribes of a certain island wants to cut a tree, they don't use an axe, they simply go and insult it. It dies automatically.

It's ok. I anyways never expected anything from my life. It's good in a way. As I wrote some six months back, I again write, no regrets :)

Phoenix...

24 hours
-------------

Its been precisely 24 hours...and I don't really intend to describe the situation. I'll just state facts. I'm terribly sleepy...literally dozing off every now and then. I don't have any negative feeling right now, nothing demeaning. Only problem is that I sneeze a lot today, it's disturbing everyone in the office. I'm not really sure when I got the cold. Till morning I was just fine.

48 Hours
---------------

Well...it seems I never felt better...I guess I'm happy. If I say in a very Bollywood style...first thing I should say is….NAHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…I shouldn’t speak of my happiness in public. Because as soon as I even give away the remotest evidence of being happy, meri zindagi nark ban jati hai….nahiiiiiiiiiiiii…mujhe apni khushi kisiko nahi dikhani….

Ok enough of filmi style…we were speaking about sneezing. Unfortunately, though I took good rest yesterday, so ideally I should have been able to go to office today. But no. Life repeats itself. It somehow repeated 7th August. I woke up at 4. In the dawn. And I was almost equally happy. But then I dozed of…and next time I woke up, I couldn’t force myself to get ready and go. Today was predetermined to be lazy and relaxing, may be full of self discoveries…

I often asked myself, how is it that they say happiness is not dependent on a person? Then how can a person make me so happy or sad? Now I realized, it is indeed not dependent on a person. It’s dependent on your self confidence, your willingness to live. If you give so much importance to a person that he starts molding your behavior and attitude towards life, then comes the crisis.

Faith is something you can’t live without. If you are too unsure of yourself, or the people who surround you, then put all your faith in God. He puts everything right. And gives you back your long lost happiness.

C’mon the whole life’s ahead of me…thoda datke saamna to kar ladki…Mark my words, never say curtains…life’s never curtains till the last breath 

The final succumbing...

Very rarely it happens that you happen to lose your composure entirely. I'm in such a state currently. I don't know what I am thinking, or talking, or doing. I am all set to hurt everyone, known and unknown to me, as if that can bring down my pain. As usual I feel a poisonous contempt towards my parents, mostly my father. Last time I behaved so badly with him was after that Mumbai incident. That time too, I blamed him for the course my life had taken. This time as well. It astonishes me to think that I am considering one of my greatest friends ever, to be equivalent to that wretched idiot from Mumbai. How much more can your selfishness take away from you?

I tried to be practical. I can now see what your inner subdued wishes can do to you. Having no way to take it forward, I discovered a way to decelerate my emotions. Kept telling myself, it all boils down to the figure 13.5, which is not going to work out. But is that all there is to love and well being? Our bonding and satisfaction? I found no answer.

I can't incriminate him. My life is business of nobody else. Perhaps my actual agony is that I can't even be a Bhumisuta. I was happy being one till date. "Yes, I don't need anyone else. My life ends in my brown eyed prince." He's broken this notion entirely. I no longer feel that oneness with my so called soul mate. I don't remember him even. At the same time, I can't even give away the same position to anyone else.

For the first time in my life I feel I am going mad. I can't collect my thoughts even, let alone arrange them. I really feel like killing myself. I have never ever felt so suicidal. I find life to be quite quite meaningless and God to be entirely non existent. I wish now that the miracle had never happened, instead of taking place, and then establishing that it was not a miracle after all. I have come down in my own eyes, for being so over-imaginative, thoughtless and impractical. Now when the truth and practicality comes back to me, I don't have the means to deal with the situation. I don't blame anyone. I just feel its good time to call it curtains.

Rainy day thoughts...

It rained today. Rained a huge lot. As usual I felt happy and got wet in the rain. Rain seems to be my best friend. A friend who won't change, who won't leave me ever. A friend who doesn't have other friends. It's always our world, the world just for the two of us.

It gave me time to think. Think over what's been happening. The rain always clears up my mind.

Two things have been going on parallely. I have been listening to my mind. At the same time I have been attaching too much importance to this. I have to remember that I have overcome worse times in my life. I had to let go of my soul mate even. Quietly, without even telling him how much I loved him. I have failed in exams, didn't get admissions anywhere for more than 2 weeks after Higher Secondary results were out. I have walked out of the exam hall in my Masters degree. I have lost jobs, changed entire course of my career for petty fights (which by the way were important for me). I have got two successive 5 on 5 rating from client. I guess I have been a brave enough girl. I should not be governed by the thoughts and acts of a guy who doesn't even know his preferences. And one more thing. People who play safe side games are not my particular favorites. I have never tried to keep anyone happy, always acted as the situation demanded. I don't like people who want a peaceful, well made up world devoid of choice.

He always tells me, that he gives chances to people. First chance, second chance etc. To see if they are his type. And then based on the response, dismisses them, or establishes the friendship. Well I too tend to do that. I do have gluing properties and an open mind, and I can entirely revise my earlier decisions on someone, based on circumstances, but still I too have a tolerance level. E.g. I now know that Deepti is pretty selfish. I mean, I have always known that, but turned a blind eye because I loved her so much. Similarly, Ananya doesn't have much control on her mind. That makes her pretty much volatile. These are perhaps among my longest lasting friendships, but when my mind has changed, I can't deny that. My mind doesn't lie to me.

I have lost a kid. I guess not having a kid ever shouldn't lead to such desperation. I've lived through the bad times. I can handle this as well. I should always remember that I'm among the creme de la creme of the happier section of people on this earth. I actually have nothing to complain about. People get married and divorced and have kids - might be a natural phenomenon, still big deal that I'm not one of them. I won't say no regrets. Depression is a natural part of life. What I refuse is to give this gentleman more importance than he deserves.

I know what I'm sad about. I've lost my best friend. What can be done about that? Mind doesn't ask permission before creating deeper bonds. I have to accept my loss. It will rain forever. I shall shed silent tears. And heal my pain myself. Its ok, I am capable enough of living alone.

I absolutely loved the spark. I have treasured and nurtured it for 10 long months. When it cannot create fire, why beat about the bush? I don't need petty cash, I'm a multi millionaire, remember :) - it's of course an entirely different track that I have a broken phone, but can't even afford to change it :( But, since now, I'm quite sure I'll manage to learn webMethods, I guess I should change the house.

Misgivings

The Siberia phase - eating food alone, sitting on a park bench and sobbing - Maya, as I remember her. Jitni thi khushiyan...sab kho chuke hain...bus ek gham hai ke jaata nahi...

I couldn't hold back for more than a day. I simply couldn't. I have been holding myself back from time immemorial. It was one small plea - "I want to be with him", and I had no way out than agreeing. I don't have a future. Nobody knows it better than me. Why waste today? He'd be angry, he might not let me in, worst case, though very unlikely, he might use foul words. But I had to reach out, all the same.

The apprehension was overwhelming. I have never done anything in life half as reckless. My big fat ego came before everything else. Well not any more. Yesterday, the downpouring rain told me that he's far more important, in fact, the most important person at the spur of the moment. You know why? Because he brings me happiness. Happiness in a way no one ever did.

I still maintain that I don't love him. I can't love a person who's not dependable. I know he'll go away anytime soon. If I start loving him, the emotional void will be intolerable. And anyways, he has none of the qualities I look for in my man. I openly tell him the truth. That I almost hate him. But he remains indispensable. He's my kid. That's about it.

To the extent that I kill my self respect for him. I feel no need for its existence in front of him. The 15 minutes wait in front of the lake, with the wet breeze cooling me down, was indeed awesome. I had all the chances to walk away. But I stood there rooted to the ground. I knew I couldn't waste the day. I had to be with him.

The evening in the ashram revealed a lot of things to me. Revealed that I have been serving undeserving, selfish people so long. They simply don't deserve me as a daughter/lover/friend. Even he is selfish, I know. But I can forgive him. He's my kid, doesn't understand the intricacies of life.

Today, I pretended as if I own the world. Was so happy and frolicking. But fact is, I'm not. I still live in that hole of a house, I walk for almost a hour just to deposit a check on the way. The bus was packed, in fact because of the rain, there was incredible amount of traffic jam. For once I thought of exercising my rights. I had to just call him up and ask him to drop me home. And then I realized, I don't have the right. I'm not his girlfriend. I had to deposit the check today itself, the money means a lot to me. I don't know on what I am going to spend my money. Now that I have abandoned all ideas of going home even, I have no one else in my world apart from me. Still slaving gives me pleasure. Slaving as in, being like the less fortunate people. Because who knows better than me, that I'm the least fortunate of them all. So I'm shoved and pushed in the bus, as I buy the ticket. Corporation Circle to Forum in an ordinary BMTC is 9 Rs. The driver come conductor took 11. I used my feeble Kannada - Forum 9 alva? He didn't bother to answer. I decided to forgive him, at least he didn't keep the money for himself. And anyways I'd be walking back the rest of the way. I don't deserve luxury.

It was one hell of a journey. The bus was barely moving. I turned on at full volume - the LCMD title track. I loved listening to this track when the bus would cruise through the elevated highway, a year and a half back. That time it was not much relevant, now it is. I moved on to Dil Hai ke Manta Nahin tracks - loved the movie as a kid. The typical chocolate romance, how can someone love you if he doesn't protect you? It was probably an Aamir Khan album, for next came up Pardesi. Pardesi is a real riveting song. I wrote in the deposit slip, walked almost 2 km, and simply sunk in the song. Haste aankhon ko aansun de jate hain...wada karke bhi na wapas aate hain...

It was then that I saw the dog again. I had seen it on Monday I guess. In the morning. I didn't feel then that it'd live 2 more days. He had a bandage on his tail. And you could see each bone of his body. Still, the family cares for him. Takes him out for walk, and brings him back. I wanted to cling to him and say, you'll live my dear, and so will I. Yesterday evening, as we were walking about, he said, he won't hesitate to kill a dog. Somehow I knew that already.

I am going to be 32. She told me, if possible I should preserve my egg. And get artificially inseminated after I get married. For the fertility rate is supposed to go down. I told her my apprehensions. Why should anyone marry me, after knowing this. I don't even deserve to be in a relationship. She said, you'd talk about these things before getting married.

Ya, he can kill a dog. I know that. All I can do in this life of mine, is to seek material pleasure. A meaningless promotion, some false appreciations, a great deal of bitching about so called idiots. What about the fact that I'm the greatest idiot on earth? Ya Aish got married at 34, now at 38 the world is waiting for her delivery it seems. But, she was blessed enough to get a husband. Even after all her follies. I loved Abhishek in LCMD. It takes a lot, to be a man like that. But I know I will not get those happiness. My life is like this dog. Who will die anyways, he's in such a bad shape. I can behave like a KJo and SRK fanatic for one day, "Hamesha apne mann ki suno" and all that crap - but next day, I again know my place. No God, and no amount of meditation can relieve my pain. When my cousin came back from a broken marriage, my uncle had told my dad, "She's lost her everything". She later went on to marry her childhood crush, at 32, and had a beautiful girl at 33. She didn't lose her everything. But I cannot have a miracle in life. Men in my life, understand only one word, "convenience". I have never been a convenient thing for them :)

Moving on...

As life moves on, I stay seething in anger. I have never seen so much anger in myself. They might use terms like fuming etc (somehow still reminds me of my chemistry lab days and that concentrated sulfuric acid) - I could actually feel for the first time, anger which literally singes your insides. It's been such a long time I haven't given myself anything. "Stay the way you are - don't make demands", I'd have said. When was it exactly that I altogether stopped living, I don't even remember. When finally the wrath came out today, it was like lava downpour only. I was going mad. Didn't trust or love a single soul on earth at that moment. I was almost scared to realize where my mega size ego has brought me finally. I don't have a single person to call and break down.

But of course I am still a diplomat. The ear phone of the ipod is gone once again. This time it lasted long actually. I don't remember how long, should be a year. At that moment first thing I needed was to drown the noise of the neighbors chitchatting. I hate their voice from day 1. I have been planning to change this house from the first day they moved in. But no, I won't. I'd tell myself, various excuses. "You'll go on site", "You'll get married", "You might find a job elsewhere". NOW is when I can't wait anymore. I need a sane place for myself. Where I can arrange my books. Keep a flower vase with fresh flowers. Give myself some space. Where I can break down in peace and won't feel suicidal enough. Doing the household chores itself will take up a lot of my time. I'd be saved from thinking so much.

However to come back to the story. The ear phone won't work. I put my foot down, I won't listen to music with only one ear plug working. It's not so much that I hate imperfection with other things (a little less salt in cooking is acceptable) but music should come to me in the most perfect form. The banter was, at the same time, getting on my nerves and I was about to burst. Seeing no other way out, I put the fan on at full speed. The old rickety fan made enough noise to drown the conversation. My greatest ambition these days would be to slash the throats of all these neighbor folks - I hate them to the core. But then again, I guess it's a way better idea to move to a new house.

Now that I'm quite sure of the course my life's gonna take, I don't feel even the remotest attachment with anybody on earth. I am dead sure I can't live with my parents, I guess I haven't called them for 2 weeks now. I hate my brother. He's the most useless lazy ambition less being that was ever born on this earth. Let him go to hell, I don't care. I shall live alone from now onward. I am happy that I don't have any friend, I don't need one. I have spent so many innumerable days of my precious life trying to depend on other people. Today I know for sure that nobody cares. But I can't stop caring for myself. If I'm to live another 60 years, I need to ensure that I live well. It's no fault of mine that life has disintegrated like this...then why should I suffer?

I haven't done much till now. Frankly speaking apprehensions will always be there. Bangalore is not Prague. But I wish to settle down. In a single place. Decorate my house. Make a catalog for my books. The Siberia phase starts in my life. Only difference is, it won't last 3 years, it will last a life time. But today I'm proud of my x ray eyes. Only because I trusted people so naturally, do I know today, just how filthily untrustworthy and selfish they can be. But as I said, I don't care. I don't care about society or human company. I am confident enough about living alone. I'd rather nurse this anger all the rest of my life. If love couldn't make me go on, my hatred will. I also know that God will help me from now on. He's always helped me get material pleasure. The spiritual one has only never crossed my way, but no regret about that.

The eternal moment...

No, I don't think anything is missing in my life. I feel complete. I feel composed, self assured. Actually, if I may venture out to say so, after 4 years, once again, I do find bliss. Wonderful, ethereal bliss. I thought it's important to write it here.

Till yesterday I used to feel it is difficult to live in a moment. Today I learnt that time is nothing. A moment can happen to be eternal. I don't have any mean or negative thought in my mind now. No bitching, no cribbing. I am happy. Blissfully happy. Perhaps for the first time in life, the selfish me discovered that making someone else happy can bring this level of contentment. I'm in love with life. Come what may, I don't think I will ever again question or complain about my existence.

E monihaar aamay nahi saje...

As I keep thinking, nothing concrete really comes up in my mind. I keep thinking, get tired, sleep off, again wake up and start thinking. Ya, on one hand, it's true that I worry less. In fact I don't worry at all. People don't return my money, I wait patiently and I am pretty confident that after a certain time, I'll ask for it. That my entire onsite money is at stake due to some sudden process change, is also not a matter of concern. What if I lose it? How does it matter? I'm all set to lose bigger things here...

I don't worry anymore about petty accounts maintenance. As I was telling a friend today, I feel like the lamb who is about to be killed. These two years were so calm and quiet and risk free. I almost love the time now. Who wants to eat when you are being fed to die fat?

As is the human habit, grass is always greener on the other side. I miss those small 10 min coffee sessions, 5 min walks and 2 min conversations at our desks.I had only one friend here. I have lost him. Lost even my liberty to talk to him whenever I want, and take advantage of him at whatever time I wish. Whatever I have gained in exchange, if at all I have gained anything, seems insignificant. And my greatest fear keeps tormenting me, that sooner or later he'll repent about this.

First and foremost, I wish I had some work in the office. That I don't have, and as it seems, I might not have in the next two weeks. Work would at least make me think less, if nothing else. I never expected in my wildest dreams that this would happen. I won't deny that at the spur of the moment it made me happy. But afterwards, I'm mostly sad. I'm like vacuum, I'm like black hole. I tend to engulf everything. I have faced such a destructive void in the last two years, that it can't be filled up by one man's one night's attention. And I can't demand more than that. He is a fun loving guy full of life. I can't make him part of my agonies.

So all I do is to drift about in my dreams. I replay the events in my mind again and again. I don't ask questions. I accept this as a miracle, and equally as much, an one time occurrence. I was joking with myself yesterday, that this was Harry Potter's Diwali gift to me. Which perhaps might not even last till Diwali. Problem is, my mind, which remains quite impertinent and alert, asks me back, "Did we ever ask for this?"

Hell, why me? I don't have the ability to bear more pain. Why am I being made the guinea pig? I'm very sure and certain about something, if a moment's joy is all that God can afford to give me, then I don't want it. The price I have to pay for it is extremely hefty.

At the same time, who will tell me how I can afford to look away from it? You have kept the lamb starving for years. Now you bring it food, and tell it, "Eat, and then I stab you". How cruel and gruesome is that?

As of now I don't know if I were happy once upon a time. I know that I am unable to control my tears. Pain is something which you can't deny, when you feel it. Perhaps, my pain is too exhaustive. Even miracles can't heal it. My mind keeps telling me, run, run, run now. I really have an unquenchable thirst for life. I don't want to die, not yet. When he was a dream, a mere wish in my mind, I never had the fear of losing him. I definitely think that was a better time.

I, like Mrinalini, know only one kind of love. Even if I try to take revenge and live a parallel life myself, it hurts me only. Better to give up everything. Better to go back to Kolkata. God doesn't give everyone equal joy. But I don't want to give up on life yet. I really don't.

Tired...

I was tired of showing my teeth today. Almost the whole office knew that I am very happy and I am catching up with all my friends and relatives over the phone. People had no doubt whatsoever that I am totally idle and very delighted about that. Towards the evening, it was time to change colors. As I got out of the office, my backpack seemed heavy. I dragged myself to the bus stop. I couldn't look away from the welcoming empty seats of an A/C Volvo. I got in and closed my eyes. As the first droplets of tears were getting formed in them, a picture formed in my mind...

10 in the night, and I was dead tired. Yet I kept waiting, writing and revising the silly code. When I'd see him enter through the glass door. Haggard, crease in forehead, laptop in hand, he'd look at me and his face would break into this wonderful smile to which he'd try his best to add a taunting color. Who cared? A girl's greatest happiness lies in waiting for her man when he returns from work. I never had to hide that I was waiting only for him. Everyone knew that.

Lunch time, and he'd plead to me, "go and have lunch, I'd take time". I wouldn't obey him. He'd finally come and whatever be the case, be there 20 people with us, or be it just us, would divide his sweet and give me half of it. He never had to hide the fact that he shared his sweet with me, in fact he'd announce the fact.

Today, when nothing of that remains, if there is anything I feel proud about, is the fact that we never bothered to hide. The whole world knew that we share a special bond. We never gave it a name, and finally today, hardly anything is left of the bond, but I can bet that his friends and my friends won't be surprised if they find us talking to each other in the same intimate way. They won't raise questions. Instead they'll say, leave them alone, they were always like that, apple of each other's eye.

And there comes in my biggest question. This is not natural. I am attaching too much of a story to it perhaps. This should immediately be dismissed. I know I am at the verge of oblivion and I have faced the extreme of void in the last couple of years. That is why this seems to be all the more enchanting. But how can someone keep tossing and turning the events of a particular evening in one's mind, when as on the present moment it seems so very inexplicable?

You know what? The truth remains that you possess me. I am not allowed to forget you. Today, in my ecstasy of expressing joy, I did manage to forget you for a while. And that made me realize my mistake all the more. You cannot be replaced. Not by a person, who lives entirely in his own world. I admire him, no doubt. Hardly anyone can be like him, laugh so heartily and live life so fully. But no, he doesn't know how to handle a princess. Way you knew. It is not like you have never hurt me...you abandoned me finally, and many times before that as well. But before that, you made sure you told the world, that you own me completely. There lies my pride. Hence I still belong to you. I know I was foolish to trust you. But still, be it even for just 3 months, you made sure I get my place beside you. Things don't work out at times, but pretension is intolerable.

Like Senjit said in Bishkanya, "Narir purushbesh ami maante pari, kintu nirlajjota asojhyo". I can accept that I am distanced from you, I can't accept I am not there in your mind.

I must get away from this mess. As soon as possible. Whatever it takes, lesser salary, worse designation, no job.

Some place else...

I don't know what I am doing. I wanted to talk to Ani, but I don't know what to tell her. I hate being idle you know. An idle brain is a devil's workshop. Why do I have to shout at mom for every single thing? She is the only one who should be at the receiving end of my blows, is it? Or is it like, she reminds me the most of "The Rocking Horse Winner"? It's always like, there's no money, your dad doesn't give me any, how do I take care of the expenses...man what else am I supposed to do? I have spent each penny of my savings on them, still they keep complaining. Anand could sense it very well in the initial days. He used to tell me, to stop the construction of the house. I don't understand why, after the full house was built, it can not be used for living or renting. Why small plumbing works were not done, to keep the house uninhabitable. I am gradually losing interest in life. If all my ventures end in a disaster, then what's the big use?

I am plain irritated. Yesterday's apprehensions, that kept me awake till 4 in the morning, was by no means baseless. But this idiot girl is all set to find happiness. She finds happiness juggling between her cell phone and her ipod, listening to her favorite songs. But the limitations will always be there. Why does a girl like me have to chose between the normal bus and the A/C Volvo? Or, to be more specific, why has she to look away from the A/C Volvo? I don't have an answer to that. But I don't complain. I am happy walking in the sun, towards the office, which...like most other days, beckons me for only one reason. For a long time now, this has been the only reason. In its presence and its absence. But then, it was entirely mine. He didn't share my feelings. So, I didn't have the onus of hiding it from the world.

I try being a kid. I try pretending. After a while I give up. It is my favorite toy after all, why should I pretend that it doesn't belong to me? How long can one continue being stiff. "Ya the flight was good", "Ya Prague was wonderful", "Please have chocolates", "No it's difficult to predict if the project is going to stay", "Ya, I am ok with moving to something totally different, but first I'm looking for a role change" - I feel tired dammit. Don't these stupid people realize, that a miracle has happened in my life? I don't have time for these things? Huh, I am that unlucky that I can't even boast of my magic.

Whom should I tell? What am I supposed to tell? Who will understand? Who will support this madness? Ani will probably threat me on call to immediately stop this idiocy. Deepti will tell me what grave consequences I have to face. Even, of all people, I'm sure, if I told K himself, he'd be like, "boo have you gone crazy - come back - you don't know men...". Oh God, where have I gotten myself into? I need to flee, that too immediately. And they are giving me all sweet flowery traps.

As I was walking back today evening towards my home, I was trying to think. There has been such a desperate time. With each step I have taken, I have prayed to God. I didn't realize when my prayer got answered. I don't even realize it now. This guy doesn't let me realize. He changes colors faster than I do, and trust me, I am 100 times better than a chameleon. If, I fail to save myself this time, I'll be the greatest idiot on earth. Oh God, put some poison in my veins, so that this lust for life goes away. It'll bring up only death, only death.

At the end of the day, I want my toy back. Toy with which I could play. Toy with whom I'd talk whenever I'd feel like. I wonder just how long this has been going on without my active knowledge. This didn't develop in a day...and what now?

Raaz - the mystery continues ;)

I am in a sorry state really. I don't think I have slept a wink since last night. Well I have, perhaps. You don't really realize whether you are sleeping when you are living a dream.

I don't know how to run away from myself. The violin tune would be torturous. It'd make me stay up in the middle of the night and connect youtube. Relish each single scene. It's the same situation once again. Ya, it's true. Two months back, this is what I wanted. And when it has happened, my mind is going totally berserk. Two years of loneliness does funny things to you.

I wish I had a cocoon of my own, a shell in which I could withdraw. I am scared of facing the world. I am not practical. I am a girl who lives and breathes for her dreams. Over the years I grew perfectly habituated in handling situations which were nowhere near my dreams. But now I feel completely numb.

I am trying to be defiant. Assuring myself that I am not taking this seriously. Then why did the day pass in this semi-dazed state? Why do I still find it difficult to breathe? Why are my hands still cold?

Problem is, I am not 25 anymore. I have seen the world, seen hell too. I cannot be the simple gullible girl. But what awed me more is, how much I am still myself. I was startled to realize how I still preserve my shyness.

I don't want to go to office tomorrow. Friday was ok. Yesterday is also acceptable. As I had today to shield me. Tomorrow, I have to go out in the world, face it. I don't know how to do it. I can give anything, literally anything, to get convinced that yesterday evening never ever happened. I can handle my dreamless existence. I can't handle this truth.

P.S. - I am wonderfully happy. Happy is the wrong word. Cheeky. Merry. I can laugh at myself. Romance is now a big joke to me. Yet as I watch the song, I love the hills. As I used to, in my childhood. What's the big use? Everything will go wrong again. I have already spoiled beautiful places like Coorg, Ooty and Genting. Let's not do it again, please.

Monalisa's smile...

Well, for once I don't know what to write, in a time, when writing seems a compulsion. India seems ok, ok from a sense, that it's ok enough to adapt. At least it doesn't seem as revolting as Calcutta would seem, after I'd return from Shantiniketan.

I love beer these days. Last week I have been drinking quite a lot. I drank on Tuesday, Wednesday (mostly on my client manager's insistence, he's a simple Czech guy u see, who can't do without beer :P), then after coming back to India, on Friday and even yesterday. Yesterday I realized for the first time that I have started liking the smell of beer. The taste too. Addiction is though, a real faraway thing. But I have definitely grown a liking.

For the first time in my life, I seem to be so open to new things. Breaking barriers maybe. I am ok drinking beer. I am ok with most other things also. I don't bother much. Don't bring in silly ideological questions that tend to spoil the fun. Fact is, I don't want the fun either. I am ok in my solitude. I am ok with my zero expectation. I knew this was coming. For a long time now. Perhaps I'd spare some time to think of the probable consequences then, i.e. 2-3 months back. Now I am totally neutral. I don't care. Men, don't have the power to confuse me anymore. My life too, doesn't hurt me anymore with whichever direction it decides to take. I just want one thing. I should remain healthy enough to keep doing some work or the other. I can't afford to give my mind, idle time enough. I need to keep it engaged in some worthwhile work.

Words do not matter. The sense of possession, the ruthlessness of violation, the feeling of comfort doesn't need words to be expressed. But if I start thinking about it, I shall go mad. The option of going back to Kolkata acts as a shield. I am glad I have a home there. If I have nowhere else to go, I can take shelter there.

Pathik ami...

ke bole jao jao...aamar jaoa to noy jaoa...

I don't know how to translate this...but this is the song that is coming to my mind. I am very pensive. But that's usual. I am going away.

New life begins again. Another bend, more crossroads.

I have very minimum expectations, so no heart break. There's only looking forward to new beginning. Either a promotion, or a new job, or retirement. All seem to be good enough options.

"Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna" and "Aaoge Jab Tum O Saajna" remain my favorite song.

Today I realized the difference between friendship and, I won't say love, but undefined relation. I realize that with him, the relation that I had was forever undefined. My client manager, with whom I have this very solid friendship (almost a friendship as good as that with K, only entirely platonic) - has been pampering me for the past two days. Gifts, lunch, what not? He, didn't even turn up in the airport, on 7th December 2007. I remember calling him with a broken voice, before giving away my SIM. He, therefore, was never a friend. But forget it. I love my friends. I can be myself with them also.

Nashledanou Praha...

Etched...

At the end of every happy day, there is a certain sense of defeat, of failure. Today we went to Praha Zoo. Over the last couple of years, probably due to the sheer lack of human beings in my life, I have grown into an animal lover. Who loves every yawn from the lioness, every stretching of the big cat as her cubs play with food. Quite strangely I loved the way the anaconda moved, slowly uncoiling and recoiling itself. I was not scared of anything apart from the chair lift, after the accident in Simmering, I have realized that its better to stay away from heights, it simply doesn't suit me. May be I have become over protective of myself. Still, in a hilarious incident today, I was complemented or rather I confused one Czech lady, who was amazed at my daring costume. I wore a sleeveless jacket and it was pretty cold today. She showed her 3 layers of sweaters and jackets and overcoats and I didn't quite understand whether congratulated me or ticked me off for being so grossly exceptional (I was perhaps the only person wearing a sleeveless dress in entire Prague today - at least I didn't meet anyone else in the entire day - short skirt yes, sleeveless no). So my stay in this beautiful country is ending on a rather positive note. I have proved some points. I can be quite adaptive, and extremely unique at the same time :)

But end of the day, the life in Bangalore threatens me. I feel this sense of nothingness once again. I know that the only negativity of my life is that I don't have a companion. I am not maimed or crippled, neither has something grossly fatal happened to my near and dear ones. But at times it becomes rather difficult to deal with. Today when my friends left on the chair lift, I was left quite alone, to roam around on myself. It was then that I found the zoo train. The driver, who didn't speak much English, tried to explain about the one way trip and the round trip. Me, with my assumed wealth, opted for the round trip. But when I reached the end of the first half, I realized that I have done a mistake. The driver wanted to take me back immediately, and I was the only person who had got the round trip ticket. Everyone else got down. I meekly requested him to give me some time so that I could explore around. To my surprise he readily agreed. Actually the pseudo author in me ponders a lot about this. Why is someone a wife beater at home, but the boss's pet in the office? And then again, some people are only good, or only bad, i.e. they maintain a consistency. However, to go back to the story. As the driver was having a smoke, I was in a dilemma in my mind. Has he really understood what I said, or am I going to lose my 30 Krona? With the debate in my mind, I went to see the feeding of the seals. Lovely show it was, right from the seals' belly dance to the kiss on the mouth of the trainer lady. Reminded me of the walrus (?) in 50 First Dates. When I came back, the driver gallantly ushered me onto the train. "Wow", I said to myself. Went on to see to gorillas and the tigers.

It all taught me a lesson. I can survive. It's not a problem. Just that I don't want to survive in this way. I am not falling weak mind you. I am being practical. I need a lot of pampering. And I deserve it as well. It is difficult to think in Steve Job's terms. I am 32, have a decent enough bank balance, if I am to die tomorrow, I'd like to leave my job today and go back to Kolkata. Spend the last day with my parents. This much is very clear to me. Problem comes, if I don't die. Being a USD millionaire and a Rupee millionaire is not the same thing by any remote means. I need money, if I don't die tomorrow. Kolkata will give me everything but money. I don't want to get into a job I don't like and one that doesn't pay. I don't want to compromise, and I should have my say. How the hell will I get an all encompassing solution for this?

With the question burning in my mind, I go to put water in my sleepy eyes. Though I have my last meeting with the apple faced guy tomorrow, I don't want to sleep as yet. Just 3 more days of life I have got, you see. And, I looked into a wonderfully innocent baby face. Nothing has changed in its features, from the days when she used to go out with dad for pandal hopping. That time, every year, she used to pray, give me one friend O Goddess, she used to feel it's cool to hang out with a group. Why have I never got friends? I feel the same blankness even today. But only the blankness. No other torture of time is there. I am sure, if he met me today, instead of years back, he'd still call me baalike. Just how far away is death?

Subho Bijaya

This is by far the maddest thing I have ever done. Here is to all the fun I missed during the Pujas - never mind...life still remains extremely sweet.

Memories, feelings and views...

How to live a social life, is a question that often comes to my mind. I am basically unsocial. Not because of current circumstances. I am like this from my childhood. As a baby too...I was shy of company. Whenever there would be a crowd, I'd start crying. However crying is another story altogether. All my life, I have been so so fond of crying. So much so, that when I was a kid, 3-4 years old, I did such a marathon attempt at crying, that my dad managed to record a full 90 minutes cassette on that :) :)

It was when I was in my teens, then sejdibhai - the ever deprived talent of our family, told me something. "Your tears are very valuable, don't shed them for petty things". Now I try to obey that. Sejdibhai has always been my idol. The first daughter was loved, the youngest - who was finally born to fulfill their wish for a son, was pampered. Sejdibhai, the middle child, was never cared for. Yet she has been by far the most talented. Neither my uncle nor my aunt ever understood her true value. Then when the family broke apart, the eldest came back after an almost broken marriage with a baby boy, and the youngest died in an accident, she was the one who took over the responsibilities of sustenance. Yet, in my knowledge, she has never been happy. Her sister's marriage, despite all turmoil, did manage to survive finally. Her's didn't. A triple graduate, lecturer, over achieving person now leads a retreated life. She has developed into a maniac person, permanently damaged by migraine pain, and hardly manages to go to her work place even. I spend sleepless nights thinking about how on earth she'll manage to bring up her daughter, but can't approach her to help. All her life, she has lived in the nest of her pride. That is what keeps her alive. I can't even dare to break that shield. And besides, we lost touch long back, because of an unnecessary family feud. In the days when email had not yet come, I used to send her letters regularly, in those quaint pink and blue inland posts. She had a marvelous handwriting, which probably is again a family trait. Dad's handwriting is like calligraphy only, I have also inherited it somewhat. I still have those well written mails from her. Above all else, the pride reflects. "You should always reply back to me, Shari" - they always called me Shari, meaning female parrot. "If you miss your replies, I will also withdraw. I can't beg someone to keep in touch with me". I did the same mistake that she had warned me against. What if our fathers fought. Why did we fall apart?

However, as fate would have it - she lives in her own island, I live in mine. We do have our means of sustenance. We are indeed independent. But wouldn't it have been immensely better, had we still been in touch? If we had the opportunity of comforting each other in our moments of trauma? But that is not to be.

I don't seek to socialize. One of the reasons I know he's my soul mate, is because, he said some really comforting things to me. Which help me a lot to battle with the crises that I face now and again.
1. Expectation rakkho hi mat.
2. You should at least have one friend. Mann ki baatein mann mein nahi rehni chahiye. At least ek koi ho, jisse bol pao - itna kaafi hai.

So, I don't keep any expectation whatsoever. Me and K were discussing about serial killers yesterday. It seems, ever he is fascinated by them. As soon as I mentioned that I have been reading about them, he was like - "See this is the reason I say you are special. I haven't met a single girl till date who showed interest in serial killers". I was laughing away. I said, "See, normal girls, have a family and career to look after. They are too preoccupied to find so much idle time". He won't give in. "No man", (I hate when he calls me man :@) "you are the most intelligent girl I have ever met, you have knowledge about everything". I wanted to tell him, that's because I am too tired following gmail, if ever the mail count goes up by 1, and I spend that time reading TOI and all and sundry news feeds that the internet has. But I didn't. I wanted to feel good and enjoy the appreciation.

Well, so K is one friend to whom, as of now, I can say anything. So as a result I don't need to keep things in my mind. But surprise comes when I find that I need more social presence. The Saturday was supposed to be idle. Instead on a whim, I called some guests for dinner. And my dinner is usually an elaborate affair. At least 3 side dishes, rice and chapati and at least two desserts, one of them preferably home made. So ever since morning, I find myself chopping onions, boiling potatoes and eggs, burning and cutting my hand, and yet the coconut laddoo tastes awesome. I just hope I have enough chocolate sauce and nuts and cream to garnish the desserts. While doing all these preparations, I asked myself, what was the necessity? The guests are not very near and dear ones. Not even that I am very fond of them. Just mere acquaintances. Then why?

May be I need to prove to myself at times, that if given the chance, I could prove to be the perfect homemaker. I can manage a family and be a host in a better way than most house wives. May be once in a while I need to prove these things to myself?

K asked me jokingly yesterday, "I'll have to check that you yourself are not a serial killer". Yes, it's true that I have grievances with life, but then I always thank God, that despite that I never had to compromise with life. I'd call it a greater torture if I were to marry someone out of social pressure. Living alone is just fine. Living with undesired company is what sounds revolting. Then, if so, why do I invite guests for dinner? You know what, I have an answer. To stay sane. I don't wanna become Norman Bates in Psycho :D :D - but ohh, how I loved his portrayal by this Anthony Perkins guy. What makes a serial killer so exciting is his double standards.

Steve Jobs was in news all over. I was surprised to see how I was moved by the news. May be once again because of the deep bond between me and my ipod. And being an avid reader, I had read his Stanford University speech long back, and nobody can deny how influencing that can be.

Well, about the next big debate, I feel all Indian software companies are body shops, and I don't mind being the body in the shop. You ask me to pose as a body, a zombie or a robot, when I have talent and I can do my work, that will come out in all my avatars. And yes, Chetan Bhagat's writing is by no means fit to be toilet paper - as accused by someone in the TOI debate. I have seen people who never had any inclination towards reading, have finished a Chetan Bhagat book in hours. This in itself is magic enough. And I do believe, IIT and IIMs are responsible for churning out people like him. There is no big difference between NRN and Ratan Tata. All they have done is to transform the Indian economy. What about teaching Indian youth to think differently? Pursue a different alternate life, miles away from the rat race? Way US has produced a Steve Jobs, I guess India should be encouraged to produce more Chetan Bhagats. It's not about being an entrepreneur, it's about thinking differently.

Broken trust...

Had got quite addicted to serial killers. Started reading about them in wiki (I am a big fan of wiki for a long time now). It's like whenever I come across something new, I read about it in wiki. Most of my latest fascinations, including Hollywood movies etc, have actually stemmed from this habit of reading. I remember the small encyclopedia dad used to have, used to be one of dad's most treasured possessions. It was from my childhood, that whenever we came across something new, dad used to look it up in the book or in dad's fat 2 volume complete Oxford dictionary. 99% cases we'd be enlightened by one or both of them :D

But the thing that triggered off this reading about serial killers was one occurrence I never imagined, would happen. She's been my friend and mentor for such a long time. She has pampered me like an elder sister. I never wanted her to go through this trauma. Happily married for 6 years now, with a lovely kid - she had everything one could crave for in life. Only - KANK happened. For the first time, I could see the version of KANK from Rhea's perspective. I told you, it was beyond my belief. I actually liked her husband. He was always warm and caring and had a kind of authenticity, which might have even made me fantasize about him once or twice. But it was rather harmless for I was dead convinced that he is not that kind of guy. He won't cheat. He is not only satisfied, almost proud of his family life.

For the first time I found my character analysis going wrong to this extent. I initially turned to wiki to read psychology, which is anyways my favorite subject apart from literature and computers. How I got directed to the first serial killer page I don't remember, but for full two nights I did little else, than being glued to the laptop reading about them. Actually I am still not done, but just that having read so much in such a small duration, I am a little bored, so kinda gave up.

But it was scary man. First night was particularly scary. It was worse than reading a ghost story or watching a horror movie. I was actually scared to go to the toilet even. I feared darkness and was skeptical about sleeping. The very fact that such people exist - made me quite unstable. I am a trusting girl, always like observing people when inside a packed public transport, try to be cordial and accommodating, and attempt to analyze their traits (may be because one day I hope to become a writer, and this would cater to my plots). It was unimaginable for me that one of them would be the Houston Murderer or Son of Sam. Frankly speaking, I now feel I have to visit US, if not for anything else, for the fact that it has produced such people.

My bro, I remember, pleaded with me, not to watch Silence of the Lambs. But I had to watch for two reasons - 1. It was one the best movies made ever and got 5 oscars, 2. Had always loved Sangharsh, wanted to watch the movie it was inspired from. I expected myself to be at least scared, was surprised when it didn't affect me at all. Why, as stated earlier, Woh Lamhe had scared me more.

You know why? I am an imaginative girl, fiction doesn't scare me much. It is not much of a competition to my thinking. But truth indeed, is stranger. And way more gruesome.

I hope my friend will recover and their marriage will stay. My belief that faithful men do exist, is not at all shaken. I can see happily married couples all around me. Only change is - psychology interests me more. The darker and negative edge of psychology. How can a good man turn bad? I definitely need to research more about this.

Toor dal fry and the solitary burnt potato...

Having nothing better to do, and having had a reasonable sleep of 4 hours, when I woke up today evening, near about 9 o'clock, I felt quite helpless. No addition to the mail count in both gmail and office email (it's the festive season - it's stupid to expect that someone would sit and mail me), and it being well past 12 in India, no scope to talk to mom also. Just sent an sms, because knowing her, she won't be able to sleep so long as I don't inform that I am alive. My mom is the greatest alive tension-prone lady on earth. In my childhood, if I would be even 1 hour late in returning from school, I'd find her on the cross roads, with flowing hair and a crazy look in her eyes, as if I have been burnt alive. Funniest part happened during annual result declaration in school. She'd always be convinced that this time both my children will fail to get promoted to the next class. We'd come back from school, quite a happy look on our faces, my brother would be particularly excited, for he was always a star performer in the exams. We'd find her lying like a log on the bed, all strength drained. "What happened?" she'd feebly manage to say. "Mom, you know what, I again got full marks in Maths" - my bro would reply. "Have you passed?" - this is my mom, a topper in Maths needn't necessarily pass in all subjects. :D :D
So - I had to at least send an sms you see...otherwise I never know in what all ways I'd have died in her mind - run over by a jumbo truck, jumped on the metro line, had severe food poisoning - she being a sagi herself, can imagine anything.

Was planning to finish up the toor dal. Having decided to maintain the usual routine of eating veg for the next 3 days, I needed to cook some veg stuff. On office days it's kinda difficult - and the only thing I can cook quickly is egg. I remember some poor abandoned eggs in our fridge in SG. Who'd have known I'd become a vegetarian overnight.

Ok, don't laugh, this was the first time I was cooking toor dal. I inherited it from my colleagues. And as I have told you, I am now a complete miserly person. I need to finish up my ration before I leave. This is my latest obsessive compulsive disorder symptom. I cannot shield it anymore saying, food is precious, it shouldn't be wasted. I know very well that it won't be wasted, there are so many people to whom I can give it. Still it'd go on all the time, in the back of mind - the moong dal, the soya chunks, the potatoes - how to use them up. Potatoes in particular, because I got 2 kg some 2 weeks back, haven't even used 200 gm yet. There's such a variety of things to cook, and I was trying my hand in pasta, chana masala etc. Things with which potato simply won't go. It's my greatest worry now. To finish the potatoes. Rest of the things are fine, they'd somehow fit in my suitcase. No way I can fit in 2 kg of potato.

I feel pity for myself at times. Never thought I'd count potatoes some day. It is like a blanket of protection, which is stifling me. She needs money, so that she can give up her job whenever she wants. I'd tell myself. For this much freedom, I'm losing everything else. Counting coins, counting my ration, and feeling everyone's all set to take away from me. And I being the doctor without the degree, would never care to consult a psychiatrist.

So coming back to potatoes. Today after I came back from the tour of the garden, I attacked the potatoes for the first time. Fried them in butter. Came out quite well. So, planned a similar dinner for evening. Rice, toor dal fry and potato fry. There were only two potatoes which were boiled. I needed another one. Put one hapless piece in the microwave and set the toor dal to boil, setting another frying pan with butter, on the flame. I was chopping tomatoes, washing dishes, slicing the potatoes for the planned french fry, all at the same time. The chimney was on, yet there was a lot of smoke. Didn't understand at first, then saw that poor Mr Potato has been burnt like a rock. Smoke was coming out from everywhere inside the microwave. You should have seen me. I tried even an emergency surgery kinda thing, soaked the potato in water for a while and tried to peel off the skin. No point. With a weeping heart I had to let go of it in the bin. So much for Pupu's "save every penny" campaign :D :D One full potato wasted - can you even imagine?

Toor dal came off awesome. Acid taste of your cooking is, when after preparation you are tasting it for the first time. If you take a second helping, you got first class. If you take a third, you got distinction. So dinner time finally.

Kal Pujo...

Kal bhor theke...maha shashthi...jeebone prothom baar pujo asbe r ami durga thakur er mukh dekhbo na...pushpanjali debo na...

Jani na ami etai cheyechhilaam kina...kintu mon bhalo lagchhe na. Emon noy je ami chesta korchhi na...kintu kothay jeno klanti ashe...Asha kore hatash haoar klanti...moner purota glani moner modhye anekdin dhore rekhe deoar klanti...

Ichhe achhe niramish khabo...jemon khai proti bachhor...kintu anjali na diye kichhu khete kibhabe mukh shorbe...setai bhabchhi...bheeshon bhabe 2007 mone porchhe...or uposthiti r or anuposthiti r modhye ki aakash pataal tafat...

Jak beshi likhbo na...sabar anonder din...ami keno dukkher gauni gai? Pujo sabar bhalo katuk...

Little bit of lunacy...

One major gossip monger I have become. And you might as well ask me, what I'm doing, staying up at 2:40 in the morning (as if I have never done that before). See, all I know is, this 1.5 weeks is my leased life. I might have as well left on 2nd, if everything went well, free to go back to Kolkata, and enjoy Durga Puja.

Instead, I travel to Mlada Boleslav. If you don't know where that is, better find out. Because I had a lot of fun, living in contrast to the usual pent up life, traveling alone, letting my hair loose (out of the usual boring bun and the typical greasy "Snivellus Snape" look), looking cool in my glasses, and checking out cars. I simply love cars. I don't know if that was a love from time immemorial, most probably it was - you might find historical evidence of my love for Cielo in my old diaries. And you know what? I am gradually getting to like my dressing sense as well. Though the glamor quotient is entirely missing, and I need to spend a little money on myself, still I feel I am picking up well. For one, I have (or I think I have) successfully carried off frocks and gowns with the apparently fat figure, and the pepe T I wore today looked quite hot (bit exposing though and showing the pot belly) - and ya, I am at least wearing my sleeveless dresses, and not keeping them in the back of my wardrobe. So overall, to end up, I have enough energy in me, to stay up late, watch gossip on youtube (don't worry, it doesn't go beyond KJo's shows and Demi Moore's break up with Ashton Kutcher) - and ya, longing for a cup of coffee, though I am actually sleepy.

It often makes me wonder - what do I like? Tea or Coffee? The TC worshiper within me would shout Tea Tea (might as well be T T :@) and the subtle romantic would whisper - K likes coffee (again both the Ks mind you). But no, I go by the original mushy mushy story I'd written, when I had first discovered my feelings for him. I like milkshake, I like chocolate with cream, I am a girl dammit. And I am no Maggie Carpenter. I am perfectly sure I like my egg sunny side up - no doubts whatsoever. I am forced to eat other forms of egg only when I fail to make the poach properly. But ya, such nights do come rarely. When I don't want to sleep. When I am not ready to sleep. Most of the times I am begging to fall asleep. Thankfully, till date, sleep hasn't yet abandoned me. But today, I want to stay awake.

Stay awake and do what? Things that a normal fun loving girl likes to do...check out gossips, watch movies, bit of GK (in which country was Bata founded) bit of essential knowledge (my travel back is absolutely dependent on Air France - and when each day's delay means free money, I should check that out) - and frankly speaking, if amidst all this, there's no increase in your mail count for the last 8 hours, it does hurt a bit, but you tell yourself, there's more things in the world baby, like Skoda has produced 800 cars in MB alone - in this time duration.

This is the way life was meant to be right? Right from 26th August 2007? That once in a while I am allowed the luxury of pseudo happiness - when he talks about some exam in his tag line, and I remember my tear filled eyes. He couldn't stand it then, how can he stand it now? So for his sake, I remain happy. And to remain happy, I need to be a bit crazy. Excuse that please...I am a "2" person after all :)

Remember the part I wrote about morons? And their keenness to prove themselves? Wait I must have used some other term - what was it? Boring people? Mindless people? Idiots? God only knows, but the torture continues. I'd rather be a social outcast than tolerating stupidity.

But you know what? Everything in life is subject to change. You shouldn't ever say you are against something. For life gives you situations, where you have no other option than the thing you hate most. And always remember that someone else is having a worse time than you. Today during the tour, my stomach was not at its best (from an overdose of hot dosas with pepper chicken and lots of yummy sweet). I was feeling very awkward, being part of such a small group, that disaster might strike anytime. And while coming back, I saw a kid, helplessly vomiting in the bus station. He didn't have sense enough to care about the loathe of the onlookers. Taught me a big lesson. To take things easy. You can't change them anyways.

The scene in fact kindled in me, memories of "The Reader". It is by no means an easy movie to understand. The seduction part is easy enough, problem is, while seducing, you never know if at all a bond will be born out of the process, and if it does, then to what depth and extent it'd go. I feel I need to talk to him. I have a lot of things to explain. And probably to discover as well.