Moving on...

As life moves on, I stay seething in anger. I have never seen so much anger in myself. They might use terms like fuming etc (somehow still reminds me of my chemistry lab days and that concentrated sulfuric acid) - I could actually feel for the first time, anger which literally singes your insides. It's been such a long time I haven't given myself anything. "Stay the way you are - don't make demands", I'd have said. When was it exactly that I altogether stopped living, I don't even remember. When finally the wrath came out today, it was like lava downpour only. I was going mad. Didn't trust or love a single soul on earth at that moment. I was almost scared to realize where my mega size ego has brought me finally. I don't have a single person to call and break down.

But of course I am still a diplomat. The ear phone of the ipod is gone once again. This time it lasted long actually. I don't remember how long, should be a year. At that moment first thing I needed was to drown the noise of the neighbors chitchatting. I hate their voice from day 1. I have been planning to change this house from the first day they moved in. But no, I won't. I'd tell myself, various excuses. "You'll go on site", "You'll get married", "You might find a job elsewhere". NOW is when I can't wait anymore. I need a sane place for myself. Where I can arrange my books. Keep a flower vase with fresh flowers. Give myself some space. Where I can break down in peace and won't feel suicidal enough. Doing the household chores itself will take up a lot of my time. I'd be saved from thinking so much.

However to come back to the story. The ear phone won't work. I put my foot down, I won't listen to music with only one ear plug working. It's not so much that I hate imperfection with other things (a little less salt in cooking is acceptable) but music should come to me in the most perfect form. The banter was, at the same time, getting on my nerves and I was about to burst. Seeing no other way out, I put the fan on at full speed. The old rickety fan made enough noise to drown the conversation. My greatest ambition these days would be to slash the throats of all these neighbor folks - I hate them to the core. But then again, I guess it's a way better idea to move to a new house.

Now that I'm quite sure of the course my life's gonna take, I don't feel even the remotest attachment with anybody on earth. I am dead sure I can't live with my parents, I guess I haven't called them for 2 weeks now. I hate my brother. He's the most useless lazy ambition less being that was ever born on this earth. Let him go to hell, I don't care. I shall live alone from now onward. I am happy that I don't have any friend, I don't need one. I have spent so many innumerable days of my precious life trying to depend on other people. Today I know for sure that nobody cares. But I can't stop caring for myself. If I'm to live another 60 years, I need to ensure that I live well. It's no fault of mine that life has disintegrated like this...then why should I suffer?

I haven't done much till now. Frankly speaking apprehensions will always be there. Bangalore is not Prague. But I wish to settle down. In a single place. Decorate my house. Make a catalog for my books. The Siberia phase starts in my life. Only difference is, it won't last 3 years, it will last a life time. But today I'm proud of my x ray eyes. Only because I trusted people so naturally, do I know today, just how filthily untrustworthy and selfish they can be. But as I said, I don't care. I don't care about society or human company. I am confident enough about living alone. I'd rather nurse this anger all the rest of my life. If love couldn't make me go on, my hatred will. I also know that God will help me from now on. He's always helped me get material pleasure. The spiritual one has only never crossed my way, but no regret about that.

The eternal moment...

No, I don't think anything is missing in my life. I feel complete. I feel composed, self assured. Actually, if I may venture out to say so, after 4 years, once again, I do find bliss. Wonderful, ethereal bliss. I thought it's important to write it here.

Till yesterday I used to feel it is difficult to live in a moment. Today I learnt that time is nothing. A moment can happen to be eternal. I don't have any mean or negative thought in my mind now. No bitching, no cribbing. I am happy. Blissfully happy. Perhaps for the first time in life, the selfish me discovered that making someone else happy can bring this level of contentment. I'm in love with life. Come what may, I don't think I will ever again question or complain about my existence.

E monihaar aamay nahi saje...

As I keep thinking, nothing concrete really comes up in my mind. I keep thinking, get tired, sleep off, again wake up and start thinking. Ya, on one hand, it's true that I worry less. In fact I don't worry at all. People don't return my money, I wait patiently and I am pretty confident that after a certain time, I'll ask for it. That my entire onsite money is at stake due to some sudden process change, is also not a matter of concern. What if I lose it? How does it matter? I'm all set to lose bigger things here...

I don't worry anymore about petty accounts maintenance. As I was telling a friend today, I feel like the lamb who is about to be killed. These two years were so calm and quiet and risk free. I almost love the time now. Who wants to eat when you are being fed to die fat?

As is the human habit, grass is always greener on the other side. I miss those small 10 min coffee sessions, 5 min walks and 2 min conversations at our desks.I had only one friend here. I have lost him. Lost even my liberty to talk to him whenever I want, and take advantage of him at whatever time I wish. Whatever I have gained in exchange, if at all I have gained anything, seems insignificant. And my greatest fear keeps tormenting me, that sooner or later he'll repent about this.

First and foremost, I wish I had some work in the office. That I don't have, and as it seems, I might not have in the next two weeks. Work would at least make me think less, if nothing else. I never expected in my wildest dreams that this would happen. I won't deny that at the spur of the moment it made me happy. But afterwards, I'm mostly sad. I'm like vacuum, I'm like black hole. I tend to engulf everything. I have faced such a destructive void in the last two years, that it can't be filled up by one man's one night's attention. And I can't demand more than that. He is a fun loving guy full of life. I can't make him part of my agonies.

So all I do is to drift about in my dreams. I replay the events in my mind again and again. I don't ask questions. I accept this as a miracle, and equally as much, an one time occurrence. I was joking with myself yesterday, that this was Harry Potter's Diwali gift to me. Which perhaps might not even last till Diwali. Problem is, my mind, which remains quite impertinent and alert, asks me back, "Did we ever ask for this?"

Hell, why me? I don't have the ability to bear more pain. Why am I being made the guinea pig? I'm very sure and certain about something, if a moment's joy is all that God can afford to give me, then I don't want it. The price I have to pay for it is extremely hefty.

At the same time, who will tell me how I can afford to look away from it? You have kept the lamb starving for years. Now you bring it food, and tell it, "Eat, and then I stab you". How cruel and gruesome is that?

As of now I don't know if I were happy once upon a time. I know that I am unable to control my tears. Pain is something which you can't deny, when you feel it. Perhaps, my pain is too exhaustive. Even miracles can't heal it. My mind keeps telling me, run, run, run now. I really have an unquenchable thirst for life. I don't want to die, not yet. When he was a dream, a mere wish in my mind, I never had the fear of losing him. I definitely think that was a better time.

I, like Mrinalini, know only one kind of love. Even if I try to take revenge and live a parallel life myself, it hurts me only. Better to give up everything. Better to go back to Kolkata. God doesn't give everyone equal joy. But I don't want to give up on life yet. I really don't.

Tired...

I was tired of showing my teeth today. Almost the whole office knew that I am very happy and I am catching up with all my friends and relatives over the phone. People had no doubt whatsoever that I am totally idle and very delighted about that. Towards the evening, it was time to change colors. As I got out of the office, my backpack seemed heavy. I dragged myself to the bus stop. I couldn't look away from the welcoming empty seats of an A/C Volvo. I got in and closed my eyes. As the first droplets of tears were getting formed in them, a picture formed in my mind...

10 in the night, and I was dead tired. Yet I kept waiting, writing and revising the silly code. When I'd see him enter through the glass door. Haggard, crease in forehead, laptop in hand, he'd look at me and his face would break into this wonderful smile to which he'd try his best to add a taunting color. Who cared? A girl's greatest happiness lies in waiting for her man when he returns from work. I never had to hide that I was waiting only for him. Everyone knew that.

Lunch time, and he'd plead to me, "go and have lunch, I'd take time". I wouldn't obey him. He'd finally come and whatever be the case, be there 20 people with us, or be it just us, would divide his sweet and give me half of it. He never had to hide the fact that he shared his sweet with me, in fact he'd announce the fact.

Today, when nothing of that remains, if there is anything I feel proud about, is the fact that we never bothered to hide. The whole world knew that we share a special bond. We never gave it a name, and finally today, hardly anything is left of the bond, but I can bet that his friends and my friends won't be surprised if they find us talking to each other in the same intimate way. They won't raise questions. Instead they'll say, leave them alone, they were always like that, apple of each other's eye.

And there comes in my biggest question. This is not natural. I am attaching too much of a story to it perhaps. This should immediately be dismissed. I know I am at the verge of oblivion and I have faced the extreme of void in the last couple of years. That is why this seems to be all the more enchanting. But how can someone keep tossing and turning the events of a particular evening in one's mind, when as on the present moment it seems so very inexplicable?

You know what? The truth remains that you possess me. I am not allowed to forget you. Today, in my ecstasy of expressing joy, I did manage to forget you for a while. And that made me realize my mistake all the more. You cannot be replaced. Not by a person, who lives entirely in his own world. I admire him, no doubt. Hardly anyone can be like him, laugh so heartily and live life so fully. But no, he doesn't know how to handle a princess. Way you knew. It is not like you have never hurt me...you abandoned me finally, and many times before that as well. But before that, you made sure you told the world, that you own me completely. There lies my pride. Hence I still belong to you. I know I was foolish to trust you. But still, be it even for just 3 months, you made sure I get my place beside you. Things don't work out at times, but pretension is intolerable.

Like Senjit said in Bishkanya, "Narir purushbesh ami maante pari, kintu nirlajjota asojhyo". I can accept that I am distanced from you, I can't accept I am not there in your mind.

I must get away from this mess. As soon as possible. Whatever it takes, lesser salary, worse designation, no job.

Some place else...

I don't know what I am doing. I wanted to talk to Ani, but I don't know what to tell her. I hate being idle you know. An idle brain is a devil's workshop. Why do I have to shout at mom for every single thing? She is the only one who should be at the receiving end of my blows, is it? Or is it like, she reminds me the most of "The Rocking Horse Winner"? It's always like, there's no money, your dad doesn't give me any, how do I take care of the expenses...man what else am I supposed to do? I have spent each penny of my savings on them, still they keep complaining. Anand could sense it very well in the initial days. He used to tell me, to stop the construction of the house. I don't understand why, after the full house was built, it can not be used for living or renting. Why small plumbing works were not done, to keep the house uninhabitable. I am gradually losing interest in life. If all my ventures end in a disaster, then what's the big use?

I am plain irritated. Yesterday's apprehensions, that kept me awake till 4 in the morning, was by no means baseless. But this idiot girl is all set to find happiness. She finds happiness juggling between her cell phone and her ipod, listening to her favorite songs. But the limitations will always be there. Why does a girl like me have to chose between the normal bus and the A/C Volvo? Or, to be more specific, why has she to look away from the A/C Volvo? I don't have an answer to that. But I don't complain. I am happy walking in the sun, towards the office, which...like most other days, beckons me for only one reason. For a long time now, this has been the only reason. In its presence and its absence. But then, it was entirely mine. He didn't share my feelings. So, I didn't have the onus of hiding it from the world.

I try being a kid. I try pretending. After a while I give up. It is my favorite toy after all, why should I pretend that it doesn't belong to me? How long can one continue being stiff. "Ya the flight was good", "Ya Prague was wonderful", "Please have chocolates", "No it's difficult to predict if the project is going to stay", "Ya, I am ok with moving to something totally different, but first I'm looking for a role change" - I feel tired dammit. Don't these stupid people realize, that a miracle has happened in my life? I don't have time for these things? Huh, I am that unlucky that I can't even boast of my magic.

Whom should I tell? What am I supposed to tell? Who will understand? Who will support this madness? Ani will probably threat me on call to immediately stop this idiocy. Deepti will tell me what grave consequences I have to face. Even, of all people, I'm sure, if I told K himself, he'd be like, "boo have you gone crazy - come back - you don't know men...". Oh God, where have I gotten myself into? I need to flee, that too immediately. And they are giving me all sweet flowery traps.

As I was walking back today evening towards my home, I was trying to think. There has been such a desperate time. With each step I have taken, I have prayed to God. I didn't realize when my prayer got answered. I don't even realize it now. This guy doesn't let me realize. He changes colors faster than I do, and trust me, I am 100 times better than a chameleon. If, I fail to save myself this time, I'll be the greatest idiot on earth. Oh God, put some poison in my veins, so that this lust for life goes away. It'll bring up only death, only death.

At the end of the day, I want my toy back. Toy with which I could play. Toy with whom I'd talk whenever I'd feel like. I wonder just how long this has been going on without my active knowledge. This didn't develop in a day...and what now?

Raaz - the mystery continues ;)

I am in a sorry state really. I don't think I have slept a wink since last night. Well I have, perhaps. You don't really realize whether you are sleeping when you are living a dream.

I don't know how to run away from myself. The violin tune would be torturous. It'd make me stay up in the middle of the night and connect youtube. Relish each single scene. It's the same situation once again. Ya, it's true. Two months back, this is what I wanted. And when it has happened, my mind is going totally berserk. Two years of loneliness does funny things to you.

I wish I had a cocoon of my own, a shell in which I could withdraw. I am scared of facing the world. I am not practical. I am a girl who lives and breathes for her dreams. Over the years I grew perfectly habituated in handling situations which were nowhere near my dreams. But now I feel completely numb.

I am trying to be defiant. Assuring myself that I am not taking this seriously. Then why did the day pass in this semi-dazed state? Why do I still find it difficult to breathe? Why are my hands still cold?

Problem is, I am not 25 anymore. I have seen the world, seen hell too. I cannot be the simple gullible girl. But what awed me more is, how much I am still myself. I was startled to realize how I still preserve my shyness.

I don't want to go to office tomorrow. Friday was ok. Yesterday is also acceptable. As I had today to shield me. Tomorrow, I have to go out in the world, face it. I don't know how to do it. I can give anything, literally anything, to get convinced that yesterday evening never ever happened. I can handle my dreamless existence. I can't handle this truth.

P.S. - I am wonderfully happy. Happy is the wrong word. Cheeky. Merry. I can laugh at myself. Romance is now a big joke to me. Yet as I watch the song, I love the hills. As I used to, in my childhood. What's the big use? Everything will go wrong again. I have already spoiled beautiful places like Coorg, Ooty and Genting. Let's not do it again, please.

Monalisa's smile...

Well, for once I don't know what to write, in a time, when writing seems a compulsion. India seems ok, ok from a sense, that it's ok enough to adapt. At least it doesn't seem as revolting as Calcutta would seem, after I'd return from Shantiniketan.

I love beer these days. Last week I have been drinking quite a lot. I drank on Tuesday, Wednesday (mostly on my client manager's insistence, he's a simple Czech guy u see, who can't do without beer :P), then after coming back to India, on Friday and even yesterday. Yesterday I realized for the first time that I have started liking the smell of beer. The taste too. Addiction is though, a real faraway thing. But I have definitely grown a liking.

For the first time in my life, I seem to be so open to new things. Breaking barriers maybe. I am ok drinking beer. I am ok with most other things also. I don't bother much. Don't bring in silly ideological questions that tend to spoil the fun. Fact is, I don't want the fun either. I am ok in my solitude. I am ok with my zero expectation. I knew this was coming. For a long time now. Perhaps I'd spare some time to think of the probable consequences then, i.e. 2-3 months back. Now I am totally neutral. I don't care. Men, don't have the power to confuse me anymore. My life too, doesn't hurt me anymore with whichever direction it decides to take. I just want one thing. I should remain healthy enough to keep doing some work or the other. I can't afford to give my mind, idle time enough. I need to keep it engaged in some worthwhile work.

Words do not matter. The sense of possession, the ruthlessness of violation, the feeling of comfort doesn't need words to be expressed. But if I start thinking about it, I shall go mad. The option of going back to Kolkata acts as a shield. I am glad I have a home there. If I have nowhere else to go, I can take shelter there.

Pathik ami...

ke bole jao jao...aamar jaoa to noy jaoa...

I don't know how to translate this...but this is the song that is coming to my mind. I am very pensive. But that's usual. I am going away.

New life begins again. Another bend, more crossroads.

I have very minimum expectations, so no heart break. There's only looking forward to new beginning. Either a promotion, or a new job, or retirement. All seem to be good enough options.

"Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna" and "Aaoge Jab Tum O Saajna" remain my favorite song.

Today I realized the difference between friendship and, I won't say love, but undefined relation. I realize that with him, the relation that I had was forever undefined. My client manager, with whom I have this very solid friendship (almost a friendship as good as that with K, only entirely platonic) - has been pampering me for the past two days. Gifts, lunch, what not? He, didn't even turn up in the airport, on 7th December 2007. I remember calling him with a broken voice, before giving away my SIM. He, therefore, was never a friend. But forget it. I love my friends. I can be myself with them also.

Nashledanou Praha...

Etched...

At the end of every happy day, there is a certain sense of defeat, of failure. Today we went to Praha Zoo. Over the last couple of years, probably due to the sheer lack of human beings in my life, I have grown into an animal lover. Who loves every yawn from the lioness, every stretching of the big cat as her cubs play with food. Quite strangely I loved the way the anaconda moved, slowly uncoiling and recoiling itself. I was not scared of anything apart from the chair lift, after the accident in Simmering, I have realized that its better to stay away from heights, it simply doesn't suit me. May be I have become over protective of myself. Still, in a hilarious incident today, I was complemented or rather I confused one Czech lady, who was amazed at my daring costume. I wore a sleeveless jacket and it was pretty cold today. She showed her 3 layers of sweaters and jackets and overcoats and I didn't quite understand whether congratulated me or ticked me off for being so grossly exceptional (I was perhaps the only person wearing a sleeveless dress in entire Prague today - at least I didn't meet anyone else in the entire day - short skirt yes, sleeveless no). So my stay in this beautiful country is ending on a rather positive note. I have proved some points. I can be quite adaptive, and extremely unique at the same time :)

But end of the day, the life in Bangalore threatens me. I feel this sense of nothingness once again. I know that the only negativity of my life is that I don't have a companion. I am not maimed or crippled, neither has something grossly fatal happened to my near and dear ones. But at times it becomes rather difficult to deal with. Today when my friends left on the chair lift, I was left quite alone, to roam around on myself. It was then that I found the zoo train. The driver, who didn't speak much English, tried to explain about the one way trip and the round trip. Me, with my assumed wealth, opted for the round trip. But when I reached the end of the first half, I realized that I have done a mistake. The driver wanted to take me back immediately, and I was the only person who had got the round trip ticket. Everyone else got down. I meekly requested him to give me some time so that I could explore around. To my surprise he readily agreed. Actually the pseudo author in me ponders a lot about this. Why is someone a wife beater at home, but the boss's pet in the office? And then again, some people are only good, or only bad, i.e. they maintain a consistency. However, to go back to the story. As the driver was having a smoke, I was in a dilemma in my mind. Has he really understood what I said, or am I going to lose my 30 Krona? With the debate in my mind, I went to see the feeding of the seals. Lovely show it was, right from the seals' belly dance to the kiss on the mouth of the trainer lady. Reminded me of the walrus (?) in 50 First Dates. When I came back, the driver gallantly ushered me onto the train. "Wow", I said to myself. Went on to see to gorillas and the tigers.

It all taught me a lesson. I can survive. It's not a problem. Just that I don't want to survive in this way. I am not falling weak mind you. I am being practical. I need a lot of pampering. And I deserve it as well. It is difficult to think in Steve Job's terms. I am 32, have a decent enough bank balance, if I am to die tomorrow, I'd like to leave my job today and go back to Kolkata. Spend the last day with my parents. This much is very clear to me. Problem comes, if I don't die. Being a USD millionaire and a Rupee millionaire is not the same thing by any remote means. I need money, if I don't die tomorrow. Kolkata will give me everything but money. I don't want to get into a job I don't like and one that doesn't pay. I don't want to compromise, and I should have my say. How the hell will I get an all encompassing solution for this?

With the question burning in my mind, I go to put water in my sleepy eyes. Though I have my last meeting with the apple faced guy tomorrow, I don't want to sleep as yet. Just 3 more days of life I have got, you see. And, I looked into a wonderfully innocent baby face. Nothing has changed in its features, from the days when she used to go out with dad for pandal hopping. That time, every year, she used to pray, give me one friend O Goddess, she used to feel it's cool to hang out with a group. Why have I never got friends? I feel the same blankness even today. But only the blankness. No other torture of time is there. I am sure, if he met me today, instead of years back, he'd still call me baalike. Just how far away is death?

Subho Bijaya

This is by far the maddest thing I have ever done. Here is to all the fun I missed during the Pujas - never mind...life still remains extremely sweet.

Memories, feelings and views...

How to live a social life, is a question that often comes to my mind. I am basically unsocial. Not because of current circumstances. I am like this from my childhood. As a baby too...I was shy of company. Whenever there would be a crowd, I'd start crying. However crying is another story altogether. All my life, I have been so so fond of crying. So much so, that when I was a kid, 3-4 years old, I did such a marathon attempt at crying, that my dad managed to record a full 90 minutes cassette on that :) :)

It was when I was in my teens, then sejdibhai - the ever deprived talent of our family, told me something. "Your tears are very valuable, don't shed them for petty things". Now I try to obey that. Sejdibhai has always been my idol. The first daughter was loved, the youngest - who was finally born to fulfill their wish for a son, was pampered. Sejdibhai, the middle child, was never cared for. Yet she has been by far the most talented. Neither my uncle nor my aunt ever understood her true value. Then when the family broke apart, the eldest came back after an almost broken marriage with a baby boy, and the youngest died in an accident, she was the one who took over the responsibilities of sustenance. Yet, in my knowledge, she has never been happy. Her sister's marriage, despite all turmoil, did manage to survive finally. Her's didn't. A triple graduate, lecturer, over achieving person now leads a retreated life. She has developed into a maniac person, permanently damaged by migraine pain, and hardly manages to go to her work place even. I spend sleepless nights thinking about how on earth she'll manage to bring up her daughter, but can't approach her to help. All her life, she has lived in the nest of her pride. That is what keeps her alive. I can't even dare to break that shield. And besides, we lost touch long back, because of an unnecessary family feud. In the days when email had not yet come, I used to send her letters regularly, in those quaint pink and blue inland posts. She had a marvelous handwriting, which probably is again a family trait. Dad's handwriting is like calligraphy only, I have also inherited it somewhat. I still have those well written mails from her. Above all else, the pride reflects. "You should always reply back to me, Shari" - they always called me Shari, meaning female parrot. "If you miss your replies, I will also withdraw. I can't beg someone to keep in touch with me". I did the same mistake that she had warned me against. What if our fathers fought. Why did we fall apart?

However, as fate would have it - she lives in her own island, I live in mine. We do have our means of sustenance. We are indeed independent. But wouldn't it have been immensely better, had we still been in touch? If we had the opportunity of comforting each other in our moments of trauma? But that is not to be.

I don't seek to socialize. One of the reasons I know he's my soul mate, is because, he said some really comforting things to me. Which help me a lot to battle with the crises that I face now and again.
1. Expectation rakkho hi mat.
2. You should at least have one friend. Mann ki baatein mann mein nahi rehni chahiye. At least ek koi ho, jisse bol pao - itna kaafi hai.

So, I don't keep any expectation whatsoever. Me and K were discussing about serial killers yesterday. It seems, ever he is fascinated by them. As soon as I mentioned that I have been reading about them, he was like - "See this is the reason I say you are special. I haven't met a single girl till date who showed interest in serial killers". I was laughing away. I said, "See, normal girls, have a family and career to look after. They are too preoccupied to find so much idle time". He won't give in. "No man", (I hate when he calls me man :@) "you are the most intelligent girl I have ever met, you have knowledge about everything". I wanted to tell him, that's because I am too tired following gmail, if ever the mail count goes up by 1, and I spend that time reading TOI and all and sundry news feeds that the internet has. But I didn't. I wanted to feel good and enjoy the appreciation.

Well, so K is one friend to whom, as of now, I can say anything. So as a result I don't need to keep things in my mind. But surprise comes when I find that I need more social presence. The Saturday was supposed to be idle. Instead on a whim, I called some guests for dinner. And my dinner is usually an elaborate affair. At least 3 side dishes, rice and chapati and at least two desserts, one of them preferably home made. So ever since morning, I find myself chopping onions, boiling potatoes and eggs, burning and cutting my hand, and yet the coconut laddoo tastes awesome. I just hope I have enough chocolate sauce and nuts and cream to garnish the desserts. While doing all these preparations, I asked myself, what was the necessity? The guests are not very near and dear ones. Not even that I am very fond of them. Just mere acquaintances. Then why?

May be I need to prove to myself at times, that if given the chance, I could prove to be the perfect homemaker. I can manage a family and be a host in a better way than most house wives. May be once in a while I need to prove these things to myself?

K asked me jokingly yesterday, "I'll have to check that you yourself are not a serial killer". Yes, it's true that I have grievances with life, but then I always thank God, that despite that I never had to compromise with life. I'd call it a greater torture if I were to marry someone out of social pressure. Living alone is just fine. Living with undesired company is what sounds revolting. Then, if so, why do I invite guests for dinner? You know what, I have an answer. To stay sane. I don't wanna become Norman Bates in Psycho :D :D - but ohh, how I loved his portrayal by this Anthony Perkins guy. What makes a serial killer so exciting is his double standards.

Steve Jobs was in news all over. I was surprised to see how I was moved by the news. May be once again because of the deep bond between me and my ipod. And being an avid reader, I had read his Stanford University speech long back, and nobody can deny how influencing that can be.

Well, about the next big debate, I feel all Indian software companies are body shops, and I don't mind being the body in the shop. You ask me to pose as a body, a zombie or a robot, when I have talent and I can do my work, that will come out in all my avatars. And yes, Chetan Bhagat's writing is by no means fit to be toilet paper - as accused by someone in the TOI debate. I have seen people who never had any inclination towards reading, have finished a Chetan Bhagat book in hours. This in itself is magic enough. And I do believe, IIT and IIMs are responsible for churning out people like him. There is no big difference between NRN and Ratan Tata. All they have done is to transform the Indian economy. What about teaching Indian youth to think differently? Pursue a different alternate life, miles away from the rat race? Way US has produced a Steve Jobs, I guess India should be encouraged to produce more Chetan Bhagats. It's not about being an entrepreneur, it's about thinking differently.

Broken trust...

Had got quite addicted to serial killers. Started reading about them in wiki (I am a big fan of wiki for a long time now). It's like whenever I come across something new, I read about it in wiki. Most of my latest fascinations, including Hollywood movies etc, have actually stemmed from this habit of reading. I remember the small encyclopedia dad used to have, used to be one of dad's most treasured possessions. It was from my childhood, that whenever we came across something new, dad used to look it up in the book or in dad's fat 2 volume complete Oxford dictionary. 99% cases we'd be enlightened by one or both of them :D

But the thing that triggered off this reading about serial killers was one occurrence I never imagined, would happen. She's been my friend and mentor for such a long time. She has pampered me like an elder sister. I never wanted her to go through this trauma. Happily married for 6 years now, with a lovely kid - she had everything one could crave for in life. Only - KANK happened. For the first time, I could see the version of KANK from Rhea's perspective. I told you, it was beyond my belief. I actually liked her husband. He was always warm and caring and had a kind of authenticity, which might have even made me fantasize about him once or twice. But it was rather harmless for I was dead convinced that he is not that kind of guy. He won't cheat. He is not only satisfied, almost proud of his family life.

For the first time I found my character analysis going wrong to this extent. I initially turned to wiki to read psychology, which is anyways my favorite subject apart from literature and computers. How I got directed to the first serial killer page I don't remember, but for full two nights I did little else, than being glued to the laptop reading about them. Actually I am still not done, but just that having read so much in such a small duration, I am a little bored, so kinda gave up.

But it was scary man. First night was particularly scary. It was worse than reading a ghost story or watching a horror movie. I was actually scared to go to the toilet even. I feared darkness and was skeptical about sleeping. The very fact that such people exist - made me quite unstable. I am a trusting girl, always like observing people when inside a packed public transport, try to be cordial and accommodating, and attempt to analyze their traits (may be because one day I hope to become a writer, and this would cater to my plots). It was unimaginable for me that one of them would be the Houston Murderer or Son of Sam. Frankly speaking, I now feel I have to visit US, if not for anything else, for the fact that it has produced such people.

My bro, I remember, pleaded with me, not to watch Silence of the Lambs. But I had to watch for two reasons - 1. It was one the best movies made ever and got 5 oscars, 2. Had always loved Sangharsh, wanted to watch the movie it was inspired from. I expected myself to be at least scared, was surprised when it didn't affect me at all. Why, as stated earlier, Woh Lamhe had scared me more.

You know why? I am an imaginative girl, fiction doesn't scare me much. It is not much of a competition to my thinking. But truth indeed, is stranger. And way more gruesome.

I hope my friend will recover and their marriage will stay. My belief that faithful men do exist, is not at all shaken. I can see happily married couples all around me. Only change is - psychology interests me more. The darker and negative edge of psychology. How can a good man turn bad? I definitely need to research more about this.

Toor dal fry and the solitary burnt potato...

Having nothing better to do, and having had a reasonable sleep of 4 hours, when I woke up today evening, near about 9 o'clock, I felt quite helpless. No addition to the mail count in both gmail and office email (it's the festive season - it's stupid to expect that someone would sit and mail me), and it being well past 12 in India, no scope to talk to mom also. Just sent an sms, because knowing her, she won't be able to sleep so long as I don't inform that I am alive. My mom is the greatest alive tension-prone lady on earth. In my childhood, if I would be even 1 hour late in returning from school, I'd find her on the cross roads, with flowing hair and a crazy look in her eyes, as if I have been burnt alive. Funniest part happened during annual result declaration in school. She'd always be convinced that this time both my children will fail to get promoted to the next class. We'd come back from school, quite a happy look on our faces, my brother would be particularly excited, for he was always a star performer in the exams. We'd find her lying like a log on the bed, all strength drained. "What happened?" she'd feebly manage to say. "Mom, you know what, I again got full marks in Maths" - my bro would reply. "Have you passed?" - this is my mom, a topper in Maths needn't necessarily pass in all subjects. :D :D
So - I had to at least send an sms you see...otherwise I never know in what all ways I'd have died in her mind - run over by a jumbo truck, jumped on the metro line, had severe food poisoning - she being a sagi herself, can imagine anything.

Was planning to finish up the toor dal. Having decided to maintain the usual routine of eating veg for the next 3 days, I needed to cook some veg stuff. On office days it's kinda difficult - and the only thing I can cook quickly is egg. I remember some poor abandoned eggs in our fridge in SG. Who'd have known I'd become a vegetarian overnight.

Ok, don't laugh, this was the first time I was cooking toor dal. I inherited it from my colleagues. And as I have told you, I am now a complete miserly person. I need to finish up my ration before I leave. This is my latest obsessive compulsive disorder symptom. I cannot shield it anymore saying, food is precious, it shouldn't be wasted. I know very well that it won't be wasted, there are so many people to whom I can give it. Still it'd go on all the time, in the back of mind - the moong dal, the soya chunks, the potatoes - how to use them up. Potatoes in particular, because I got 2 kg some 2 weeks back, haven't even used 200 gm yet. There's such a variety of things to cook, and I was trying my hand in pasta, chana masala etc. Things with which potato simply won't go. It's my greatest worry now. To finish the potatoes. Rest of the things are fine, they'd somehow fit in my suitcase. No way I can fit in 2 kg of potato.

I feel pity for myself at times. Never thought I'd count potatoes some day. It is like a blanket of protection, which is stifling me. She needs money, so that she can give up her job whenever she wants. I'd tell myself. For this much freedom, I'm losing everything else. Counting coins, counting my ration, and feeling everyone's all set to take away from me. And I being the doctor without the degree, would never care to consult a psychiatrist.

So coming back to potatoes. Today after I came back from the tour of the garden, I attacked the potatoes for the first time. Fried them in butter. Came out quite well. So, planned a similar dinner for evening. Rice, toor dal fry and potato fry. There were only two potatoes which were boiled. I needed another one. Put one hapless piece in the microwave and set the toor dal to boil, setting another frying pan with butter, on the flame. I was chopping tomatoes, washing dishes, slicing the potatoes for the planned french fry, all at the same time. The chimney was on, yet there was a lot of smoke. Didn't understand at first, then saw that poor Mr Potato has been burnt like a rock. Smoke was coming out from everywhere inside the microwave. You should have seen me. I tried even an emergency surgery kinda thing, soaked the potato in water for a while and tried to peel off the skin. No point. With a weeping heart I had to let go of it in the bin. So much for Pupu's "save every penny" campaign :D :D One full potato wasted - can you even imagine?

Toor dal came off awesome. Acid taste of your cooking is, when after preparation you are tasting it for the first time. If you take a second helping, you got first class. If you take a third, you got distinction. So dinner time finally.

Kal Pujo...

Kal bhor theke...maha shashthi...jeebone prothom baar pujo asbe r ami durga thakur er mukh dekhbo na...pushpanjali debo na...

Jani na ami etai cheyechhilaam kina...kintu mon bhalo lagchhe na. Emon noy je ami chesta korchhi na...kintu kothay jeno klanti ashe...Asha kore hatash haoar klanti...moner purota glani moner modhye anekdin dhore rekhe deoar klanti...

Ichhe achhe niramish khabo...jemon khai proti bachhor...kintu anjali na diye kichhu khete kibhabe mukh shorbe...setai bhabchhi...bheeshon bhabe 2007 mone porchhe...or uposthiti r or anuposthiti r modhye ki aakash pataal tafat...

Jak beshi likhbo na...sabar anonder din...ami keno dukkher gauni gai? Pujo sabar bhalo katuk...

Little bit of lunacy...

One major gossip monger I have become. And you might as well ask me, what I'm doing, staying up at 2:40 in the morning (as if I have never done that before). See, all I know is, this 1.5 weeks is my leased life. I might have as well left on 2nd, if everything went well, free to go back to Kolkata, and enjoy Durga Puja.

Instead, I travel to Mlada Boleslav. If you don't know where that is, better find out. Because I had a lot of fun, living in contrast to the usual pent up life, traveling alone, letting my hair loose (out of the usual boring bun and the typical greasy "Snivellus Snape" look), looking cool in my glasses, and checking out cars. I simply love cars. I don't know if that was a love from time immemorial, most probably it was - you might find historical evidence of my love for Cielo in my old diaries. And you know what? I am gradually getting to like my dressing sense as well. Though the glamor quotient is entirely missing, and I need to spend a little money on myself, still I feel I am picking up well. For one, I have (or I think I have) successfully carried off frocks and gowns with the apparently fat figure, and the pepe T I wore today looked quite hot (bit exposing though and showing the pot belly) - and ya, I am at least wearing my sleeveless dresses, and not keeping them in the back of my wardrobe. So overall, to end up, I have enough energy in me, to stay up late, watch gossip on youtube (don't worry, it doesn't go beyond KJo's shows and Demi Moore's break up with Ashton Kutcher) - and ya, longing for a cup of coffee, though I am actually sleepy.

It often makes me wonder - what do I like? Tea or Coffee? The TC worshiper within me would shout Tea Tea (might as well be T T :@) and the subtle romantic would whisper - K likes coffee (again both the Ks mind you). But no, I go by the original mushy mushy story I'd written, when I had first discovered my feelings for him. I like milkshake, I like chocolate with cream, I am a girl dammit. And I am no Maggie Carpenter. I am perfectly sure I like my egg sunny side up - no doubts whatsoever. I am forced to eat other forms of egg only when I fail to make the poach properly. But ya, such nights do come rarely. When I don't want to sleep. When I am not ready to sleep. Most of the times I am begging to fall asleep. Thankfully, till date, sleep hasn't yet abandoned me. But today, I want to stay awake.

Stay awake and do what? Things that a normal fun loving girl likes to do...check out gossips, watch movies, bit of GK (in which country was Bata founded) bit of essential knowledge (my travel back is absolutely dependent on Air France - and when each day's delay means free money, I should check that out) - and frankly speaking, if amidst all this, there's no increase in your mail count for the last 8 hours, it does hurt a bit, but you tell yourself, there's more things in the world baby, like Skoda has produced 800 cars in MB alone - in this time duration.

This is the way life was meant to be right? Right from 26th August 2007? That once in a while I am allowed the luxury of pseudo happiness - when he talks about some exam in his tag line, and I remember my tear filled eyes. He couldn't stand it then, how can he stand it now? So for his sake, I remain happy. And to remain happy, I need to be a bit crazy. Excuse that please...I am a "2" person after all :)

Remember the part I wrote about morons? And their keenness to prove themselves? Wait I must have used some other term - what was it? Boring people? Mindless people? Idiots? God only knows, but the torture continues. I'd rather be a social outcast than tolerating stupidity.

But you know what? Everything in life is subject to change. You shouldn't ever say you are against something. For life gives you situations, where you have no other option than the thing you hate most. And always remember that someone else is having a worse time than you. Today during the tour, my stomach was not at its best (from an overdose of hot dosas with pepper chicken and lots of yummy sweet). I was feeling very awkward, being part of such a small group, that disaster might strike anytime. And while coming back, I saw a kid, helplessly vomiting in the bus station. He didn't have sense enough to care about the loathe of the onlookers. Taught me a big lesson. To take things easy. You can't change them anyways.

The scene in fact kindled in me, memories of "The Reader". It is by no means an easy movie to understand. The seduction part is easy enough, problem is, while seducing, you never know if at all a bond will be born out of the process, and if it does, then to what depth and extent it'd go. I feel I need to talk to him. I have a lot of things to explain. And probably to discover as well.