Would this protest help?

I particularly liked the term "destructive masculinity" in The Hindu. That kind of sums it up all.

I have often written here that I am a firm believer in destiny. The girl who lost her 13 days of battle last night, had some destiny. Her ordeal was to bear the immeasurable pain (and more importantly, still keep up the willingness to live) - in order to bring her destiny to the forefront. I strong believe, it is her destiny that has awakened India. Otherwise, scary as it might sound, such kind of rapes, where the victims intestine comes out, is not rare or a first time occurrence in this glorious country of ours. I was shocked to hear about it, the first time I heard Sunitha Krishnan's speech in TED. But such incidents don't shake me up anymore.

What shook me up was the sheer helplessness. One of the many reasons I chose to stay back home and didn't travel back to Bangalore on the scheduled day, was this incident. It would sound childish to say I felt insecure. But still that remains the truth. I want to hide. Hide from this rotten society which itself knows no peace, and doesn't care to give away peace, respect and dignity to anyone.

And I decided to indulge myself. Job is not that important a thing. My well being is. I decided I won't subject myself to any mental agony till the time I am completely prepared. Small small things would trouble me for no reason. Known faces in the office. The heartless grey city of Bangalore and all its mixed memories of dust, noise and crowd. The imminent new year celebrations.

And thus started my first holiday since 2005 when I didn't have a return ticket or a plan to go back. What did I tell office? As usual, exactly what I felt. A simple, "I want to extend my leaves due to family problems". Oh, did you ask which family? My family includes my entire country, even the entire world. And nobody on earth would deny just how much problem exists currently with my family...

I would think of the tiny toddlers and lispers who died before they knew what life was like, falling prey to a maniac's whim. I would think of this girl as she had one after the other surgeries performed on her, and in between expressing that she wants to live. Live with my intestine removed? Live on intravenous fluid all my life? I get scared every time I test for my blood sugar level. In case I am found diabetic, they'd stop me from having sweets - and what is life without sweets? And here she wants to live, wants to see the criminals brought to justice, and wants people not to know what has happened to her, not to sympathize with her. She wants to live a normal life, as if nothing happened.

I used to think a strange thing during my exam days, when I was not well prepared (I can't remember one exam for which I felt I am least prepared - let alone being well prepared), or the days when mark sheets would be given to us. I used to tell myself, time will pass, after a while everything will again be normal. As I kept reading the news and reactions in the social media (I am a silent type, I can't show off or write a lot and vent out my anger - my solidarity lies in reading and shedding silent tears), I kept thinking, does she think something of this sort? Did she think on similar lines when she was being tortured, and now that she is in acute trauma, does she console herself saying this will pass? Or else, how can someone think of living, when life spells out PAIN in big bold letters?

This is what I was thinking just two days back - when she was still alive.


Give yourself a little more time...

That's what I have been telling myself since last Saturday's fiasco. Given that it has been full 5 days now, I don't know how much more time I'd need. As I have repeatedly written here, I love myself too much. I can't see myself in tears. At the same time, I don't want to give up my job, let alone that, I don't want a single day's loss of pay even. I am in no mood to look for a new job, I am not confident enough to take up some new technology at this stage of my career, and at the same time, I don't want to take advantage of my office - either the management or the colleagues, i.e. I'm not ready to sit idle and earn a salary.

And when I talk about a little more time...what is it that I mean? This has been going on for time immemorial... 

This is what I think today...she died despite her immense urge to live...the damage done was too much...

I have gained courage enough to look back at my troubles in a painless, indifferent way. Way every girl has to. Way every human being has to. You cannot deny life and live on. You have to accept, whatever life gives you. Accept and then revolt, then show bravery, then speak out, then fight. You might win the battle, you might lose. Don't let the win or the loss affect you. I am finally ready to go back. Face an employer not too interested in my services. Face myself, not too keen on working anymore. Not too keen on protesting, complaining or fighting. Face a family (an immediate family) not too supportive. Face memories and not wince (not to shout out and plead - oh don't discuss ultrasonography details with me, it reminds me of the moment I was told about the living breathing baby I couldn't save). No, I am not interested in reacting anymore. Lucky people do not realize how lucky they are. When you have suffered once, you can identify what the other victim is going through.

Yes I'd go back. And see what the world does to me, and whether I live a proper life or not. If I am indifferent, then why this dilemma? Because the world that is protesting, protests about a specific thing. They don't protest about victimization and wrongdoing in general. I have seen many guys famous for changing girlfriends like clothes, condemn the rape on Facebook in an attempt to show off. And think in their very own male chauvinistic way, oh I might have hurt a girl or two with my harmless flirting, but I have never raped anybody. I am such a great human being. The husband who probably beats his wife daily would be proud - I have never touched another girl apart from her - she should worship me. The father who denies his girl child proper education will be the self proclaimed hero - oh she'd never need to go out in the night, or do a job and face any threat of molestation. She will be safe at home till I get her married, and then let her husband deal with her. Are these people fit to be complacent? India, change your menfolks' mentality. Their thought process that so long as they don't rape, they are fit to do anything and everything with a girl in the community. NO. Girls are very delicate beings, who can tolerate labor pain but get killed a thousand times with the minutest blows that hurt their dignity. And men are very confused beings, who forget their origin, the nine months without which they wouldn't have seen the light of the day.

The corrupt BMTC bus conductors

Had a huge show down with a BMTC bus conductor today. Why on earth are they so greedy? Always on the lookout to steal money, and cheat you of your ticket? Do they have no conscience? It is a privilege to of service to the public, and they are all set to rob us. Worst thing is, not always you feel like fighting, right? I had watched Talaash, was thoughtful, a little sad, and engrossed in myself. People are in their moods at times, he could have simply handed over the ticket and left. My anger came out even more because I was in no mood to talk at that time. I blasted the person till he ran away and went to the very end of the bus. How do these guys live? Don't they feel disgusted with themselves?

And then I felt, who am I to shout? I have loved one such guy with all my faith. Perhaps it is the way of such people. To be able to sleep, with all the guilt in their mind, only because they are able to find some justification. The world, indeed, is a place for pretension. And people actually pretend to themselves as well. All the time...

November rain, all in the mind...

Once in a rare while, I do let myself get tired. Today was one such day. For God's sake, I have been fighting hard the whole month. When I came back to office on November 5th, I hardly knew how long I'd be able to survive. All I knew was my obstinate refusal to give up without trying. Oh few moments were indeed hellish, especially that long tea session in the pantry, when both of us refused to move out, and both of us refused to acknowledge each other. His laughter, my most favorite music, would be everywhere. I didn't know what he was trying to prove. Most of the times he'd stay clear of me, we bumped into each other only once, I could see this extremely defiant and cheeky look in his eyes, but I looked away and moved into the rest room. It was a distinct, "kya karloge mera, jo bigad jaoge tum", my silent "yeh na socha ttha kabhi, itne yaad aaoge tum" was helpless before him. But still, all I would think was, did I see a look of appreciation behind that veil of impertinence? Perhaps even an admiration at the way the broken girl still stands upright and still wears pink, the supposed shade of love...

Then he left. I gradually settled down. The speech and thought process had gone incoherent. There were so many instances when I was in discussion with my bosses, and was struggling for the apt word, even a close word also won't come up in my mind. I would stammer and stop midway in the sentence. I would hopelessly think, would I be any good ever?

But in my mind, I had this extreme urge to correct my mistakes. A friend, whose marriage I couldn't attend, I finally attended her housewarming ceremony, kind of to make up. Even today, a kid from my training batch pinged me and complained that I never found time to meet him when he came to Bangalore. I apologized and said, I used to be a very self-centered girl sometime back, now I am living more for myself.

Seriously I find a kind of freedom. Earlier, days would pass by in a tormented, dazed state. Will he, won't he would be my only thought and occupation. Even, once in a while when colleagues asked, so, what are weekend plans? My face would darken up...what to tell? How to tell? I don't know if he will be able to accommodate me in his busy schedule, but still I have kept my entire weekend free?

Questions still come. As usual I am still loved by the kids in the office. Di, why do you look so sady sady ever since you came back from home? Again the dilemma, what to answer, how to answer? Last year, this time my best friend had decided to kiss me, and go on kissing me till I kiss him back...and this year, same time, he has decided to hit me, and go on hitting me till I die? For he is one person who always knew, I can kiss him back, but I won't ever hit him back...No, I can't tell the story to anyone. I can't lie either. I said, I can't tell you now, perhaps I can tell it sometime, don't know when, if ever...The girl retorted...Di, I know half the story already, if you'd tell me the rest, I will also tell you something. I still maintained silence.

Silence wouldn't help at times. Standing in front of the lift I was groping for my office ID card, when I found a strip of Gelusil which we had bought, the day when I had come back from Kolkata and he came over and insisted we go out for dinner. I was dog tired from the journey, but still I complied. The strip is not even half over, and he is nowhere in my life. Then, once I got into the Hospital Canteen where we had eaten our first lunch together, the day he introduced himself to me. The place has been taken over by some other management, and the unfamiliarity made me run away from there, much to the awe of the friend who had accompanied me for lunch. Oh how could I explain, I want everything like before, else it hurts...

He has a tagline. You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. I felt blinding anger on seeing in for the first time. Lapse in morality is forgivable, a cover up isn't. I couldn't help writing to him...

You know boo boo, last year this day, this time, we were probably living our last good day together. Either, you were not living it the right way then, or you are not living it the right way now. Both cannot be true at the same time. And if any one of them is not the right way, then you haven't lived your life in the right way. No point in trying to prove otherwise. 

Either you have pretended in your whole life till now, or you are going to pretend for the rest of your life. Either ways, it is your choice. End of the day, you need to be happy, even though it is just a pretentious happiness. 

I told myself a 1000 times, I don't need to see what you turn into, after what you have done. But then, when God has created a person like you, He has also created a person like me. You remain yourself and I remain myself. Let's see at the end, how right your life turns out to be, and how wrong my life becomes. You always used to speak about that coffee meet when we are 90 years old. If that ever happens, we shall find out.

You know, I really wanted to write to you today, was remembering that Tintin movie, that ground nut festival, everything. Thanks for putting up such a wonderful status message and bringing me back to reality, at least you let me vent out my feelings.

My best friend...bestest friend...really...you proved it...

No reply. Oh why didn't I realize even after writing Justification of Insensitivity, that he doesn't feel anything. Why did I try to give life to a stone. But then, if anyone had perceived life in that stone, I had. I had seen the urge in him to live life his way, with the girl of his choice. But then he started putting conditions. He fell weak. It is not my mistake.

Every day, I would wake up from a disturbed sleep full of his dreams, and ache away to hide myself. Every day I'd tell, it is ok, we can fight it. Then for the evening, I'd plan to read, to cook, to surf the net or watch movies. Survival is such a challenge when your best friend leaves you without saying good bye.

Yet, tears had dried up. I never cried. Never in the last one month. But yes, I yearned for him. Tried to reach out to him. And at the same time, I was regaining my strength. And finally yesterday I got a chance. I had come back after a successful client presentation, and was beaming with new found confidence. The clownish guy, about whom I had written Another Hate Post, wrote me a mail, trying to patch up and invited me for lunch. He has always been the laughing stock for us. I forwarded the mail to him. He also couldn't help replying. Just a couple of lines.

ha ha.. moron of the world.. Go and have a nice food.. poor guy.. :)

At that moment, I wanted to die. I always had this wish, to die on 15th October, 2011, in his arms, with the realization that he loves me. With the realization that miracles do happen. If that could not happen, let me die knowing that he has written back to me at least once, after he abandoned me. But then, the full meaning of his conduct came crushing upon me. My best friend cannot comfort me when I am hurt, but he can join in when I am pulling someone's leg. He won't accept his weakness, but he will comfortably laugh at others. Is this the man I wanted to call my husband?

Every subsequent act of his showed me that weakness. He puts up posts on Facebook talking of courage, and taking your drawbacks in your stride, but he doesn't have guts enough to talk things out straight with a girl who loves him with her life. And as these things kept revealing, I saw my strength waning. In the evening, as a baby girl in the bus happily played with my bangles, I wanted to sink in a deep slumber. I came home and crashed on the bed. The month is over. My trial period is over. Do I chose to rest now? 

Anecdotes from the sleep deprived...

At times I wonder, just how badly I have screwed up my life.
Cut shot, 7th December 2007. Seated towards the tail of the Singapore Airlines flight, in the middle row (ever since then I have never missed doing an e check in early, to get an window seat in the side) - with an elderly Bengali couple coming from the US. They loved my name, kept telling each other, really a nice name...the man was a little fussy, actually scolded the chief steward for delay in bringing up his dinner. The lady was telling me, we are going to a marriage. Since they won't allow gold jewelry in the luggage, see, I have worn most of them. I being a patient listener as always, nodded on and listened. And then came my dinner. All other food, + a gulab jamoon. I gave it a glance, and started crying. What with the security lady throwing away most of my gift items (perfumes and all - as the rule had just come in that you can't carry these things in cabin baggage), and then that very same suitcase getting checked in (due to overweight issue) - and then, then entire day's tension, the rain swept exist from my home of 9 months, the extra charge due to overweight baggage, the last few words with bossie, everything had as if drained me. The gulab jamoon was the last nail in the coffin. I still remember how terribly lonely I felt then.

One more situation when I feel lonely is the rare, very rare occasions when I happen to chase my lovers. Like, that day towards end of February (if my memory doesn't fail me, it was 26th February), 2008. He was returning to India. Presumably to me, or so the stupid me thought. Because he had sent out his last day mail just the night before, and then forwarded it to me, asking, jyada senti to nahi hogaya? I had vented out some long pent up emotions, ending with, at times it is good to emote. I felt and knew that he is coming back to me. Still when I called him in the middle of the night, to ask if he has reached, his voice was not as pleased. Later he said, he was irritated carrying 3 bags and was looking for a cab when I called, so couldn't reply properly, but then, I should have known right then - this man doesn't love me as much as I love him.

One day, I just came out of my flat, and Andy's window was open. He was lying on the bed, curled up in the blanket (which was one of the first gifts I had given him), and singing some song. His pain took me by storm, I couldn't help myself, I rushed to his flat. As the window closed, as the curtains stretched on the glass, as that blanket covered me up, I remember silently praying to my bossie, let this not happen. I belong to you...let this not happen...

I never prayed that when Boo kissed me for the first time. I belonged to nobody anymore. I knew him for almost 10 months by that time, I had gone through every kind of emotion for him, I knew in my mind that this relationship is a gift from God. I never had any doubt about my Boo Boo. I never paid heed to the intense pain I suffered from, the absolute lack of care he showed, I just had faith in my God. This man knows all my ordeals, this man...has told me, he never kisses someone on the lips because he'd get mentally involved with the person, and this man has kissed me, loved me, cooked for me, fed me, combed my hair - he can't do injustice to me. If I see it practically, I should have never let this situation come up. For God's sake, I have been trying to dump him since January, only I was never able. Jab tak hai jaan, jab tak hai jaan, jab tak hai jaan...and he was able to do it in a moment.


me: no...not in office then  
I want to talk about a lot of things...
u know I can't hold back anything from u 
he: i want to be specific man. 
me: I have been going against myself n trying it for the past few days 
he: u want to talk as friend yes.. 
me: I want u to be natural  
n talk to me
he: ha.. that i am 
me: I can't say specific or what...  
if I talk I have to talk about our entire two years of relationship  
u know that doesn't involve only friendship  
so don't impose that condition
let us talk n be clear to each other  
it will help both of us
u shd have given me this chance earlier only
and best option was a face to face discussion
I don't know what made u so skeptical
he: sry man
me: but now...please...
he: i dont want to
me: why boo
u call me friend...ur friend is suffering...she is a nervous wreck
please...
this is all I am asking?
he: yes. i will call.. and try to help.. provided. that doesnt give me a nervous wreck

I kept waiting, and fervently praying that he calls. He never called me that night, never again in all the days to follow. I chased him a little for few days more, then I gave up. Felt very low self esteem during those few days, but still, I thought, it is only him. So I just decided to cling on. I never got to know the reason for his decision. He never cared for our relationship or our friendship. Everything ended in a moment. In a blink. I went through hell for almost a month. Why do I call it a month dammit? Truth is, however much I try to conceal, I am still suffering. I terribly suffered this evening. Having attended a friend's housewarming, and having met other old and new friends there, I had this terribly distinct sense of failure. Oh God, why don't you let me run away from society and social duties?

It all comes back to me. The crushing mishap in 2006. To start with. Then, static life. All around me life moved on. All my friends, who were in love, somehow solved their problems and got married, got babies, got houses, cars - they have something to show off. I have only failure. No, I couldn't save my baby. No, my relationships didn't work. No, I couldn't agree to arranged marriage, something I don't believe in. No, I couldn't adopt a child, because my parents were highly opposed to the idea, and then how will I bring him up? It just seems that I have a job. I know my struggles. How I have simply managed to stick on to my job, knowing always that this might be the last day. You cannot perform in your professional life, until you have a stable personal life. Period.

No, fairy tales don't happen. No, miracles don't happen. Even if they happen, they just happen to destroy you. You cling on to them, you do a big mistake. For there is nothing called everlasting love. There is nothing like, someone somewhere is made for you. Today's world is very very torturous. There is no place for a girl's stupid romantic dreams. I have lived through my near 33 years of life, just thinking, that happiness will come. It has never come. Except for some rare days, won't even add up to one full year, I am sure. Grass is always greener is just for the sake of proverbial wisdom. My achievements are a big hoax. Given the circumstances, I might not be able to sustain this job for 2 more weeks. Yes, my savings might last for a while, and then I am reduced to the very people, whom you used to show me, and tell, see...they have to fight for their survival, to earn their daily food, and you blame God for your romantic mishaps. You know what, even that will happen. And I am even prepared for that. I am prepared to lose every single friend I have, to lose even the rest 4 of the 5 people I feared to lose, and my every single penny of savings. And I won't flinch. For I'd remember the person, whom I gave my life, thinking he will not hurt me. And he killed me. All these time we kept arguing, who would kill whom. And I couldn't kill, I couldn't destroy, I couldn't make any trouble. He finished me.

Boo Boo, it doesn't hurt that you left me.
It hurts that I still love you, and I cannot understand how I could love such a wrong person?

Feeling better...

If there was a way of labeling blog posts or setting reminders, I'd have done that with this post. For I really want my husband to read it. So that he'd know and laugh - about just how much obsessed I am with my freedom.

Ahh, I indeed feel good. It has been such a tumultuous time all these 1.5 years. You get so jailed when there is something to look forward to. If I hadn't gone out with him for the first time and enjoyed that outing so so much, I'd never have lived my weekends in such a subdued way, missing that fun ever since. Will he call me? Shall we go out? Shall we laugh aloud and be merry or we'll end up quarreling? I just had apprehensions, never saw the opportunism in the person who was once a true friend.

Those few chats when both of us were very lonely and living all on our own, had they not been so endearing, I wouldn't have sought the endearment time and again from a guy who had long since turned insensitive.

Had the sparks not flown wild that October evening, I'd never gone looking for them in the person who had become frigid for a long time.

People cling to the past. One good thing happens, and people perpetuate the goodness. But it is so true that change is the only constant. I didn't know I have been changing myself. Letting go everything for this one mission of mine. Yes I am like that. Faithful, focused and positive, but I shouldn't have allowed these qualities to blind me from the obvious negativity that has been developing.

Now what? With a toddler's step I am walking back to my real life. The real life which I had ignored so much that it now is totally malnourished. And my mind is also terribly tortured. The scars are healing, but it will take time. So I read a page or two, surf a little internet, ponder on the recent books I have read, especially Atlas Shrugged. John Galt. I felt I am in love with a John Galt. Who sees only truth and nothing but the truth. And in actuality I was giving all my precious love to a mere Peter Keating.

So, another prospective Barney Livingston having proved his worthlessness, does Laura Castellano live? I guess she will. She is very weak right now, but yes, her morality is intact. That will help her heal herself. And if ever a Mr. Husband comes up, beware, do whatever, never make me too happy with your lovey dovey words, that I give up being myself and lose my freedom. I need it. Above everything else.

I miss my best friend. And the freedom he had given me. I curbed it, he didn't. If only he'd give me a last bit of freedom, in letting me be with him while he took his decision. For me, he'd always be the upright guy who wanted to throw stones at my tormentors. The guy with whom I got drunk when I told I wanted to marry him. The guy who knew just how much love he is capable of, how much love I am capable of, and what we are losing. Boo Boo you are happy today? We just lost each other. It is not scary I tell you. I feared I will die without you, see I haven't. I am already recovering steadily. Things are never that much worse, we just fear them. And we have to stand up, with our courage and give it a try. Hope you will stand up from now on, in coming stages of your life.

Ohh yes, those words from my friend still kept bothering me. But I am very sure she is wrong. This relationship is not my failure. But yes spying is not a good thing. But then, even John Galt spied once on Hank Rearden, to see what kind of person he is. I am trying to stop spying. And I am actually getting detached from Karthik and disinterested about him. He only said, everyone has a life to live. I am also going to live my life. 

An open letter...

Yes I also need time. And I also take time to open up and unwind. So I have taken a month's time.

I am not angry right now. For somehow all these incidents have given me a kind of crystal clear insight into everyone's mind. The most predominant trait on this earth is a tendency to blame, and to pass on the baton. No sir, not me. It is not my responsibility.

My so called lover (whom I never called my lover, thinking he will get disturbed if I say this before he makes up his mind) never really thought that if not 100% then 50% of the responsibility of this relationship lies with him. My friend in office, who has always always been convincing me about him at the worst of times, when I was on the verge of losing faith in him and moving on, said today,

1. It is my fault that I trusted him without reason.

2. I should have been more patient with him.

3. I shouldn't have spied on him and been too choking on him

Dear friend, if you are reading this,

1. My trust was based on my basic faith in humanity and truth. 

2. He'd have left anyways, responsibility is not initiated by patience.

3. I have never ever spied on anyone else in my life, except him and my brother. Both were too much held up with a single relationship of past and had stopped living. If intent and not action is important, then my intent was only to understand them better so that I am able to help them more. My brother, thankfully hasn't used an antidote to the poison, I unknowingly acted as the antidote to my lover. And yes, to me, action is equally important, and so I owned up to both of them. And as for choking him, yes I choked him, because he needed choking love to be able to live again. He demanded it from me, and I kept giving it. That was the antidote.

And sweetheart, if you are reading this,

1. I still call you Boo Boo. I never told you, apart from your eyes and the smell of your hair, I love your name equally as much. And I am still an idiot. I still love you.

2. I have been on the receiving end of blows for the last one month. I won't give anything back. Only thing I'd tell is, apart from me, if anyone else knows the full truth, it is you. And it is you who has decided that I should face this situation, that too alone. My friends lash out at me. Your friends come and celebrate with me as if it is my joy as well. I have to take both silently. For your sake.

And my dear God, if you are listening,

1. If this is the way you want to run your world, devoid of logic and reason, only duty and no desire, FINE. Who can deny you. Only you become a God with a 'y', not a 'Y'. Only God you are, no more my friend. Yes I am a bad girl. I am proud to be a bad girl. I don't accept your dictat.

Being a live ticking bomb...

Why this suicidal decision is what I need to explain. I was so so protected in my home. Mostly locked up inside one of the bedrooms in the first floor (my parents and grandma stay downstairs, and because of old age, they seldom climb the stairs and come upstairs)...I don't know if I was curing my wounds, at least there was no way the world would inflict more wounds on me. Yes I did check Facebook regularly, but I braced myself and prepared for the worst, every time I did it. I told him I won't be an ostrich, I'd take his blows, and I kept my word.

See I am doing this once again, because I feel I have to do this. I must do this. It is not a decision I am taking post his engagement. This is a decision I had taken, a month back, when I genuinely felt that he loves me and he needs me. I remember telling my friend and neighbor in office, very proudly, that...you keep telling you'll kill him if you get to know who he is, if I don't return to him, he'll die anyways. And so, when these  words sound like a big joke today, I am coming back to Bangalore, because this was a decision taken in good and honest faith.

Do I expect anything out of it? NO. I just need to prove what I have always tried convincing him about. You should never ever give up without giving yourself a chance to try. Right now, I am very weak, extremely vulnerable and damn scared. There is 90% chance that I will fail in the my social and professional interactions. But how can I be sure unless I try. I am going back just to try it once. To see my elasticity level up to my yielding point or breaking point (wow do I sound like I still remember school physics?)

I am just trying to practice what I preach :) Come on...I shall be me right? If you cut me into two, it is just a matter of bringing the pieces together and praying that I return to my original self. If  I don't even attempt that, I am never gonna be whole again in this lifetime.

Being a nobody...

I don't know what to write. It was my conscious decision after all. To go through this without protest. See, one argument might have been, that, I could have reacted. I had every right to react. To be mad on him, to shout, to take revenge. What would I have got out of all that? The selfish me asks. What am I getting through this? The selfish me asks again. I don't have answers.

Or, rather...the selfish me wants to see myself in pain. Masochism? Who knows. I feel numb and nervous. He had said...if he wants to run, he knows how to run. But if we start bothering about what all he had said, there would be no end to this confusion. It has to be driven from my end. And there is basically nothing to drive. A 29th October comes. If he goes home, things get settled then. If he doesn't, we have to wait. December, January, February, March...don't know how long. Ya, the fear will be there, don't know how long I have to live with it. But I have chosen to live with it. So I shouldn't complain.

I have lost the right to complain. That pains more than anything else. I had a right once in this relationship. Now I don't have it anymore. It might sound terrible coming from me, but perhaps the truth is that the relationship has died, all I am trying to do is to give it a decent funeral. It shouldn't be said that nobody cared for this dead relationship. I did, I do.

There are two flip sides to the coin. As opposed to this saga of self torture. The guy who was termed as sadist and irresponsible suddenly undergoes a transformation. And then, the other guy comes. The other guy. I start laughing deliriously at this point. The other guy. Who has let me become this even though he lived on this earth. Ha ha ha...the other guy.

Thanks but no thanks is all I can say. I am better off alone. Boo...had once written me a poem:

Alone he is better,
Don't put butter.

This guy turned out to be a bigger mystery than was ever stated in any Agatha Christie novel. So much so that I have given up all attempts to solve him. And perhaps there is nothing to solve. He is following the forever trodden normal path only. Who can ever read human mind. I am just doing, what is the decent thing to do. The humane thing to do. No...correction. I am doing, what my mind wants to do. My mind, wants to just be with him. Be this a difficult or an easy hour for me or him or both of us, I must do, what I feel like doing, for a person who is very close to me. The fact that I am not able to understand him doesn't really matter now, I still don't have a choice. Trust me, I am not doing this with the faintest hope of miracle in my mind. That's why I feel, I just might be able to tolerate whatever is in store for me in the future. I know I am crazy, but this is my last chance to be crazy in life :)

My friends and my extended Punjabi family...

Well...Punjabi has always been my next most favorite Indian language after Bengali and Bihari Hindi...all thanks to the Yash Chopra movies may be (Tussi ja raheho? Tussi na jao...Ek gal dassan?) - whatever it is, there is a certain sweetness and mitti ki khusboo in the language (way you find in the East Bengal version of Bengali, i.e. Bangal Bhasha).

Well, there are times when you don't see any light in any direction. It is sheer darkness that engulfs you. Yes, the last couple of weeks have been like that...

So what did I get from my difficult time? Unrelenting support from my friends. I saw them break down more than me during my crisis period. Trust me, never thought it is humanly possible in today's selfish era. Oh a Sagittarian never takes it lightly when her dreams are crushed, when a person she has trusted, breaks her heart. Somehow, since I know Boo and his idiosyncrasies only too well, I could take the blows better than my Sagittarian friend. The Cancerian was devastated in a way, and unable to put up with my still hopeful nature, she decided to leave me alone. But the Scorpio surprised me. She literally stood like a rock beside me. The poor soul, with a 1 year old kid and her own marriage in jitters, she never let me be on my own even for a moment - comforted me and let me cry more, took me to play with her kid and celebrated with me October 15, the one year anniversary of our sweet miracle. Not only she, her entire family helped me out as if I were one of them. "Nahi beta, aisa nahi karte...Salman Khan ne kaha hai...dil se nahi dimaag se kaam lena chahiye" - Salman Khan said it seems :) :)

I call them now my extended Punjabi family. Her dad scolded me, her sister tried to drill in sense in my head, her mom was always welcoming, her aunt tried to give me courage...and the little kid was God personified...his smile and touch would allow me to face the next day.

And on my last evening in Bangalore, I went to the temple with them, saw the aarti and consulted the astrologer. An astrologer who is supposedly a scientist too. And a priest as well. What he told - let it remain with me. Oh when has this girl listened to anybody other than herself?

Whatever has to happen will happen. I know all of that and even then I have taken this decision. Yes I have this immense urge to live. And yes, he IS my life. I have chosen to accept his decision - and I shall be doing that with a smile. I am sure I'd be able to do it...

Truth hurts...

It gets too difficult when you know someone too well. And forget about someone else, let us talk about myself. I am too tired, scared and cold...in fact, I can't take this anymore, this constant vulnerability, hugging myself and sitting in the corner of the bed...shivering with fear and apprehensions. Oh how many suicidal moments have I faced since January? Just how many? And it will all end up in an instant? My hopes, my faith, these things don't matter at all, is it?

It is so so difficult to love someone and hold him responsible for your broken faith. This man is my best friend. Is he really going to break me in this way? The questions don't get answered. Even God doesn't show light.

That day near Aranya returns to me. He with all his faith and trust, telling me about that doctor lady whom he was going to see the following week. And my sudden realization, that I love this person. I can't let him marry someone else. But from that day, haven't we moved on to a great extent? Oh why on earth did he have to love me back? And now why does he deny? Is it fair to torture your loved one to this extent? I don't know how I'd have taken it that time, but over the last year and a half, things have drastically changed. I won't be able to take it now. If he gets married to some other girl, that will be the end of me. I can see...may be I will live, but I can see myself right now...how I will be living. Like a complete vegetable. If he crushes my faith in this brutal a way, then there is no other way left for me.

I don't know...these words from him scared me to hell. One interpretation makes my life, the other breaks me forever...


me: it is not that...u wl listen to me for 1 min?  
I know...it doesn't matter to u.... 
he: see.. now..a days.. i am not listening to my wife only..
me: boo... 
he: ohh... 
me: can u...stop hurting me once in while? 
he: but .. that was true.. ok forget

I know it will all be over in few more days. After that I leave for my home town. If this is to happen, I can wither away with some dignity I guess. Still, I am writing this in the middle of the night. It has really shaken me...

Aiyyaa

Well...what is life? Except some once in a rare while in office when some work comes...and these boring evenings and weekends at home...when I just sit and wait for time to move. After the fiasco last weekend, nothing happens to frustrate me also. Whoever wants...taunts me, complains about me, shouts at me, scolds me and ill treats me - no effect. Ya, there are some natural moments with Boo...see...with someone you love, you cannot be artificial...but then, all the same, he demands so much of understanding (for me, it is enormous - mammoth) that at times I simply get aloof.

Once upon a time, I loved to day dream. Now, there is nothing to day dream. What to dream in a life that has brought me to this no man's land? Ya, one dream is there...of my car. But I am dreaming about it for almost two years now. To no avail. I am too confused. Not even able to make up my mind about whether to at all get her or not. If I at all get, then should it be a petrol model, cheap one, or a diesel one, a bit more expensive? Or an electric car? But yes, a lot of my time goes in thinking about my car.

I hate the food I eat...but somehow like it still. It is the same fried rice, chicken, momo, biriyani, roll ka mix n match everyday...at night, and the lunch hour is dedicated to pongal, dosa, bisibelle bath, maddur vada n other southern delicacies. But still, it is one thing that keeps me happy. And these days I am seriously trying to get adapted to south Indian meals too. OMG God help me though, if I have to live a lifetime on sambhar rice. Boo...will you really be so torturous sweeto?

And ya, apart from these things, there is of course the trailers and songs of Aiyyaa. See, you can't blame me for it. I can site a thousand reasons. 1. I am a Rani Mukerjee fan. 2. I am a man-hunting myself :P 3. Ohh I absolutely loved the guy Prithviraj Sukumaran, first his name and then his looks. 4. Aga Bai is currently my most favorite song. 5. My neighbor in office is called by the same name as the lady lead, and she is a really good friend (I shall be dedicating one entry to her) 6. Aah, the fantasy part...is not fantasy to me you see...I am with this HOT Tamil guy for the past year or so :P :P

But all jokes apart, it has been a real real long long time that some movie trailer has intrigued me so much. May be what triggered it off was Boo's comment while we watched Barfi, that he found the dreamum wakeupum song to be very vulgar. May be way he finds me vulgar, because I believe in fighting for my rights and expressing my thoughts, whereas he'd much like me to remain silent. That urged me to really explore into Aiyyaa, with a subtle aim of proving him wrong. But when I did watch the trailers and the songs, I realized something much much more than that. For example, on seeing Meenakshi's Aai, what I felt is, she looks exactly like Boo's mother. And...I found, I am quite capable of loving her, I am not prejudiced against her, as I feared to be.

But ohh, above all....the Aga Bai song is making me crazy....I watch it on an average 5 times per day. Sach mein yaar...aga bai bahut halla machati hai :P kya kare?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ryy5jrN183Q

Peace...

Never in my life do I wanna forget the agony I faced on Sunday night. It was an agony that brings out the innermost of the hidden truths in your soul. What I wrote in my previous entry was only the beginning. Then I decided to sleep, for there was nothing else to do. I put out the light and went to bed. I started humming to me - I told you, the way I love myself is incredible. I must really really be a good person at heart, to be able to love myself so much. So I sang to myself, "Megha chhaye adhi raat...bairon bangayi neendiya". Me and my fascination with Lataji's songs. Then I don't know how many more songs I sang to myself, but the pain simply won't go. I didn't know a single person from friend or family whom I could call without having to worry that I am disturbing them. Except him. But he has forbidden me to contact him. And I was amazed at the limit of selflessness I have achieved. I was telling myself - don't...don't - siting all reasons starting from he might not be sleeping alone, to this is my first chance to obey him completely, first and only chance. At the same time there was this dumb protest going on inside my mind, ok I obey you - but you can sms? If even you don't know what I am going through, who else will? Then I started crying. Cried calling dad in my mind, because at that hour, there was no way I could actually call him up and cry. Dad, why did you send me to Bangalore. Why didn't you insist I stay on with you. Your little girl would have been spared from so much. And then the trauma grew more violent. I begged to God, God, from childhood, whatever You have taken away from me, I have never complained, I have tried to live on with whatever was left. You are not going to take him away from me...You are not going to take him away from me...

I don't know finally when I slept. I remember the alarm ringing at 7:30, and simultaneously the sound of the door getting locked, my brother went off to office. And then it all came back. The last night, and the suffering, it once again enshrouded me. Oh what would I do today? I asked myself. But in one corner of my mind, a small light flickered. At least I'd be able to see him? And then more despair followed. I didn't know after that what...seeing him - knowing he is fine is a great relief, but then? Even a year back, his indifferent attitude used to take away my life, and at that time I was not so broken. What now? How to deal with it. A strange fatigue was sinking in, a compelling desire to hide myself from the world. It was then that I heard the sms ringtone. Two small rings. More weariness sank in. Must be Citibank or some such crap. But - oh how difficult is it to hold myself back - when there is a fraction of a hope...that it might be him. And thus I reached out for the phone. There it was, the smiling pic of me and him, proudly showing "Boo Boo". For a moment I thought - what he might have written - but there was no mind to indulge my skepticism. And then there it was - putting and end to all my miseries, loud and clear - "Good morning and get lost - will come and kick you". A hoarse animal like cry came out from my voice, I can't tell you the intensity of that feeling, it was like returning from hell's doorsteps. The realization that there was one man who was awake with me, knowing what I went through, and himself going through the same. Forever in my life, this one sms from him will remain like a bliss - salvaging me from all darkness. I simply don't care what happens after this :)

Way back when I was in my early teens, and read গান্ধর্বী , I had told myself that if you love someone, you can never be afraid of him. And then there were these three days of constant shivering out of an inexplicable fear. And now there is this complete peace and ease of life. What a strange thing life is...

Death pangs...

You wanted this life, didn't you?
You planned for this only, right? This is just a prelude, what they call trailer. You wanted to make this a forever story...
You say your heart is bleeding? Why? Why on earth? What is new to you? Haven't you been ditched earlier? You have seen your lovers getting married, and he has only stopped talking. How does that affect you?
You have been eagerly waiting for this to happen. Oh it is my only bliss, I'd go back to my hometown and detach myself from him. Only because he has initiated it, it hurts so much is it?
This is how you wanted to live for the rest of your life, away from him, not even knowing if he is alive or dead, or letting him know if you are alive or dead. Only because it has started a couple of weeks earlier than necessary, is that why it hurts? You mean to say you are not prepared yet?
Apart from the first couple of months, when has he ever loved you? You have only been begging and giving this relationship a false sustenance. He doesn't want you. He prefers his cocooned existence. Why don't you try to understand?
Why does you heart pine away for him? He should also mean nothing to you. He's certainly not a friend. And there is no proof of him being your lover too. You should let him go. You should respect a man's choice.
Does it hurt you to realize that you are once again alone and abandoned in this wide world? Do you get afraid to spend the remaining 12 working days, in his proximity? Or rather in full realization of his rejection and hatred? What is it that is bothering you?

I don't know. I prepare myself for this existence, as they prepare a dead body for its funeral. In some remote corner of my mind, some faint voice tells me, God is there...he will take care. But I don't quite trust that voice. With waning strength, I pray to God, asking Him for his happiness, as I am quite quite sure now, that I was not born to be happy. And I was not born to be loved.

He asked me not to contact him for heaven's sake. I don't need heaven. I am ok with hell. Still, I don't contact him. I know I have lost the right. My nails make red marks on my own hand, I wish I could tie them and not reach for the phone. Yes, I have never loved anyone to this extent. No, the consequence doesn't change for that reason.

Endless emptiness...

Ohh how can love go away in a moment's time? We were so so happy together, for the first time in my life, I felt what being in love feels like. Those evenings of repeatedly listening to "কে প্রথম কাছে এসেছি" or "এই পথ যদি না শেষ হয়", those mornings of the first meeting of our eyes and a smile breaking on both our faces, whose curse took away everything?

This was an entry I had written few days back, but had not published, because it seemed so silly:

She's not even gone yet, and she's all dreamy eyed about coming back. And she will try to allure me, in all possible ways. "Can you simply imagine, there's a ticket available for Rs 4400? We just must not lose this opportunity!!!"

Crap, crap, crap. Girl, come out of it. You ARE taking a break. NOBODY is that important, and for that matter more important than yourself. But ohh...who'll explain to people who are blind in love?

I somehow managed to stop myself finally from buying the ticket. All I told was...give yourself this chance to see the circumstances and then decide. Only because he is nice to you doesn't mean he has thought of commitment. And commitment is the only thing you need at the present moment. It is very difficult to explain practical things to a emotional fool. I was thankful I didn't plan my return trip, because then came this mail. Perhaps the last mail I'd ever be writing to him, following an insult which was too difficult to endure after an evening of blissful oneness - when we sang together, laughed together and was at the peak of our mental closeness. I had asked him to take me to home (ironically I refer to my place as "room" and his place as "home"), so that we can spend some more time together. Yes I went overboard with my insistence, that was indeed a mistake, but way he tormented me by saying things like - you mean nothing to me, and telling me the same old stories of how many other girls are equally crazy for him and want him, and sms him at the middle of the night, and he cannot care for everyone, he has his own life to live, and then...when I was just beginning to think that he will finally have mercy on me, he gave the final blow - that I should stop messaging or calling him, as he's going to get married soon, and that I have never understood him. It was a 26th August 2007 being repeated all over, only I love this guy too much to even think of revenge or break up. Even this stupid love won't go after so many blows. I literally feel I can kill myself but I can't kill him. Ohh please never force yourself in a relation of love where you must pretend every moment. Where speaking out your mind is a crime, where punishment is the only way of life.

I thought a lot about writing this mail. I know you are in no mental state to read it, and perhaps you don't even have the time. And as you usually do, you'll probably skip or delete the mail. Do it. I don't care. Do I care for anything you do? NO. Had I cared, had I maintained a least bit of self respect in our relationship, you wouldn't have treated me like this.

Yesterday night, what I had to do was unfortunate to say the least. It was not for me to do. And the impact of your reaction was not for me to tolerate. Would you believe if I tell you I am still trembling and shivering, now seated in the office, among so many people, I can't forget the way you have shaken me with your attitude. What do you think? You can make and break me every moment, as you please? You will never be able to deny the fact that you have always loved me, as what, we won't go into that question. Is this the way you treat a loved one, when she has done a mistake out of sheer helplessness? When she is struggling, trembling and begging for you to be a little considerate? One argument we get into, and you negate everything that exists between us? Yesterday you did it twice, once on the way to the restaurant, and then while dropping me home. As soon as a situation gets uncomfortable for you, you will lash out on me is it? That it is all my fault and my dreams and my misinterpretation, that I happen to believe that we love each other? Is it always my duty to make things comfortable for you? Did you ever care to notice how much stressed out I was, during entire evening yesterday? I came all the way from the office in the rain, taking help from my friend, I didn't eat anything in dinner, I got wet in the rain, I hardly watched the movie, I lost my shawl, all the while...all I had it in my mind is...this is probably the last time I am getting to spend time with you. In my mind, literally, I was splitting every moment into parts and living each of them. God dammit, even you know that my greatest fear factor is the fact that I will lose you any day. It is a fact. I know you are not strong. You tend to yield to everything else, except probably to your and my wishes. In my extreme urge to extend whatever little time I can hope to spend with you, I asked for an outrageous favor. Which got you angry. Was it the only way of showing anger? You could have said, "Not today, but some other day." Or taken me home for half an hour. Or been with me in my room for half and hour in the presence of my brother. All I want to tell you is, you could have thought of an alternative solution, instead of bursting out like that. 

All I am trying to say is, once in a while you have to think about the other person too. So many days we have spent together, you didn't even learn to trust me properly. You thought I'd make you do something which you'd repent later. Whereas it was you who had said, both of us have a lot of self control...didn't you? I will tell you something more, which I have never told till today. You know what? The days you are repenting about are the only days you have lived as per your choice and wish. That is why they are so precious to me. That  is how I want you to live, not in a constant sense of guilt, trauma and forced compliance. And I know there is no point telling these things to you. You know every single fact already. These facts make you angry, and not my request that I want to spend the night with you. You say I don't understand you, because at that time, the most convenient thing for you to do was to hold me in very low esteem, consider my intentions to be nothing short of seduction, and tell yourself that I want to take you to hell. You did just that.

How much more do I need to handle? I feel so dead. Is this the only result I shall get through draining myself and loving you? Today, behind my sms also you saw an intention to scandalize you. You failed to notice that I love you more than myself, so couldn't help myself from asking whether you are out of the tumultuous state of mind you were in yesterday. Forgetting my own agony, and expectation of sympathy from you, all I wanted to know was if you are fine. No, I am not a great person. I don't want to imply that at all. I just want to know, have you ever said words like please and sorry to me? Have you ever had to beg from me for anything? (I know your answer, you have repeatedly begged me to leave you alone - and I insisted that we talk). That is just one side of the coin. That was one time when I was asking something for myself - but in that too...I finally kept your wish, right? But apart from that, whenever you have asked anything from me, have I denied? Have I even asked a question? Have I ever said, this is not the proper time, proper place and all the excuses that you usually give? 

I did a mistake yesterday. I realized it once I entered home and saw my brother wide awake. If I hadn't come back, your impression in his eyes would have totally been spoiled. But I didn't realize that  when I asked you...I was crazy with my apprehensions of losing you in few days. Today's sms was also a mistake. I thought it takes 6 hours to your place, and you must not have left before 9 or 10, having slept that late. So...I thought 3:30 would be a safe enough time to sms, if I'd delay it further, you'd have reached home. I couldn't hold myself back, and sent the message at the last possible safe moment as per my analysis. Still, accepted that it was a mistake...and I am really sorry for spoiling everything we have gained for us, throughout last evening. I am really really sorry...

Only one last request...doesn't matter if you keep it or not, I'll anyways be gone in few days. And I swear if you don't make a serious attempt to change the situation, I will never again subject myself back to this hell. But still...think for yourself, apply your own logic, and tell me once...way you have always behaved with me, was that proper? I know you can treat a person like this only when you have full confidence on the person and know that she'd always forgive you and understand you...but all the same, is it not taking me for granted? If so, do I not deserve a similar grant once in a rare while? 

You said yesterday, and also that day in the park, that I lost it. For my own fault. For my greed, my demands and my mistakes and selfishness. Right? Tell me something, if I lost it, then it means I had it once? Then why do you say, nothing ever existed between us? How much more of self contradiction will you do? 

You remember, you had given me a chance to be your friend? I don't know how many chances I have given you to be able to deserve me and my love. And you have kicked all those chances. I am not like you...I don't threaten every now and then like you do...for I never want to...but if you let our yesterday's happiness and understanding go away for this one incident, you won't be doing the correct thing. If you have read this mail, and if you understand a little bit of what you made me go through...you come back and talk to me. Otherwise just consider me dead...I am anyways going away. 

I am empty now. I feel drained and almost dead. You'd be surprised to know...yes I still love him. But I don't seek anything for that love. If my love is so unnecessary to him, I have no desire to prove its worth. What next I don't know. Life is unpredictable. It changes in a moment. Let's see. As I said, if it gives me opportunities, I will accept. I am not a coward. But at the same time, I won't deny me my rest. If you love someone truly, you cannot stay away from him, I have realized that. But then, there is no point imposing, I have realized that too. I am now really truly ready to leave everything on time. And yes on God. Once again chanting His name helped bring back my strength and faith. And I could see the truth very clearly. Truth of a very confused and weak person. Who wants me intensely, yet doesn't have the courage to admit it or stand up for it. But this time, it is not for me to give him strength. For a while, I live with myself...I think that will be in the best interest of both of us.

Me and Miss Marple :)

She has been telling me for long...he is scared of you...he is scared that he will offend you, he will hurt your feelings. Well...I really don't know how to...analyze this - what is the necessity? What is the point in being scared when you don't take an action? I don't know...today I realized, anger comes to very helpless people. For practical people can control their emotions. I am very helpless. I don't know what you think and what you intend to do...and till I know, your pity and your fear means nothing to me. Please...spare me...I want to shout aloud. And then I remind myself, 23 more days of torture...then you are free. Free to exist as a single entity, not to remember what has happened in your life...not to cry at broken promises...not to be pain stricken at lies, or hidden truths, not to let yourself feel.

But then, does it change anything? I will anyways leave a part of me, back in this city. Back to all the tortures of life because he cannot say no. Would he be helpless? I don't know. I know, I will always feel this helplessness in my heart, because the very fact that "he is scared" means "he cares" :)

I don't know why I had to read so much Agatha Christie that I became a live Miss Marple :) Surely to add to his troubles in life :) Poor thing, he must be in such a troubled condition. Trapped and jailed...he must feel all the time. Oh when will you break free, if ever?

A few more days...

I told you...I don't care anymore. If they get to know or they don't. I will live life my own way...as I always have. Yes, I love him. There is nothing to hide. I am as proud of my love as a mother would be of her son.

Yesterday's happiness was unprecedented. I never ever felt this kind of happiness in my life. If this is a trailer, I don't know how the film would be like :) But yes, today again was lonely and empty...but as I said, it doesn't matter. আমার ছুটি হয়েছে is all that matters. Not even a month more. Well, why can I not play with  my life? It is my life after all :)

When you don't get a full life to live, you have to live in moments. Yesterday...was one such moment. When my ears were ringing with his voice. His laughter. And then the moment...the bearded haggard him...finally managed to get out of his friend circle (literally) and came over...and...I saw him. I...I realized just how much I love this man. What's going away? Even death can't separate me from this man.

But I will miss Bangalore...and the evening breeze...the city is overcrowded, with bare minimum amenities and sky high prices, but still the breeze comforts you as nothing else does. It soothes you like a lullaby and puts you to sleep. Albeit with the heavy heart, but puts you to sleep...

Aimless existence...but it is good in a way...

কি হচ্ছে কিছুই বুঝতে পারিনা - কিছু অনর্থক চিন্তা, কিছু অহেতুক ভাবনা, কিছু গান আর কিছু স্বপ্ন, জানিনা এ কি ছেলেমানুষী।
"আমার" কথাটাই বড্ড অর্থহীন। আমার বুবু , আমার ঋত, এত আমার আমার করি কেন আমি? আজ এতদিন বাদে ঋত -র ছবি দেখে যেন মনটা ঝপ করে ১২ বছর আগে ফিরে গেল - with that same sense of possession. It took me to that ancient dreamland which I used to think is a wreck by now. May be how Rose felt when she was taken to the wreckage of the Titanic after so many years, and she suddenly realized, nothing had changed actually...
It came rushing to my mind, just how much I had loved Rito, depended on him, thought him to be the basis of my life. My Rito, my Rito, my Rito...Rito used to be the God in my life...
Today when life itself is reaching a standstill, it was nice to see the God again.

And even before that, it was a strange morning. A morning when my Boo Boo woke me up...though throughout the night, I had been with him only, I never felt he is away...I was too happy coexisting with him as a same soul, as he traveled back to me...but then...the happiness gradually seeped through reality and evaporated. What kind of a life is it, when you are not allowed to live it as per your wish? Oh why should I bother? I am all set to go...আমার তো ছুটি হয়েছে, তাই না? কেন চিন্তা, কিসের চিন্তা? যাকে ছেড়ে চলে যাব ঠিক করেছি, তাকে নিয়ে কিসের ভাবনা? সে কেমন থাকলো আমি কেন ভাবতে যাব, সে কি কোনদিন ভেবেছে আমি কেমন আছি বা থাকব?

I don't know...I am happy that time is ticking. Oh what would I have done if time would have stood still? They say a relationship fails when you cease to be yourself. But haven't I always been myself in my relationships? Have I not given a lot, always more than what the other person  ever deserved, and then when I asked for the love, I have been turned down. As if I am supposed only to give. See...I don't care that my life is a wreck, and I guess it is not as bad a wreck as I think it to be. I am proud that I have asked back, I am proud that I haven't compromised, I haven't pretended. I am happy I haven't adjusted with a make shift life, I waited for it, and when it didn't come I accepted the emptiness, but I haven't resorted to brainwash myself. May be that is the reason, in some corners of my mind, my love stories remain alive, and as fresh as a newly blossomed flower. 

The last month...

Oh what do I do with the 4 weeks that remain? A queasiness at the pit of my stomach, and a strange, choking happiness in my mind...that tells me, sweetheart, now is the time to live. NOW. Whatever happens, I shall and I must live this one month. This is not like my 3 months in Singapore, when I lived, but didn't tell him the reason why I lived. This one month - is something both of us know about. I think this headache and this restlessness will be an ongoing thing. I will probably never be able to sleep peacefully for this entire month. And I don't want also. See, till date I might not have lived life fully. But now I will.

18th October, 2012. Might be my last day in Bangalore city. Almost 8 years away from home. Faced almost every kind of crisis possible. Reached almost every triumph as well. I don't repent anything. Whatever God does, He does it for our well being only :)

Nonsense...

I love the evening breeze in Bangalore. It kind of takes away everything negative, and leaves you with a strange calm. See...we are not ambitious people...let alone being greedy. At the end of a difficult day, I am happy with a pleasant breeze that seems to comfort me.

Hope is a wonderful thing. It makes you feel alive, suddenly, from nowhere. Is it really possible that he will come back sooner? Is it really possible that I will spend a little more than my stipulated time with him? No, it doesn't bother me anymore. The thought of his marriage. If it has to happen, it has to happen by his own free will. If after all he really wishes to marry some other girl, then, our love must have never happened...

If you ask me, the very idea that he'd backtrack from here, sounds impossible. And like a jigsaw puzzle I can find all pieces falling into their place (must tell you at this point that I am particularly good at solving jigsaw puzzles). Even my prospective break. If not now, then when again would I get time to spend with my parents. I am hopeful. About the future for which I have probably waited too long. Though there is no signal yet that it might happen, but simple logic tells me there can be no other possibility, until and unless he chooses a wrong path. And I strongly believe he is a John Galt in the making, he is also as obsessed about his desires as I am, there is absolutely no way this can go wrong.

But as always, certain negativity remains. The secrets which I have learnt, how to hold it back from my parents? If they happen to learn, there goes my family too...against us...leaving us totally alone, i.e. without a family. I am anyways 99% sure his parents will never accept us. The 1% benefit of doubt I am leaving, under the assumption that they must love their son at least that much.

And then my mind does tricks on me. From an apparent high, I reach an unexpected low. My mind has always been wary of and tortured by sexuality. Except with him, it has never felt correct. And nowadays it shows me more of its grey shades and freaks me out. But somehow, this correctness that he brings, comes to my rescue.

I know that the next one month will be terribly choking and indecisive. Working with a goal in mind is never easy. And straining and draining yourself, with your everything at stake, to achieve that one goal, is even more difficult. But I shall fight till the end and then silently walk away. Victory or defeat doesn't matter to me anymore. All I need is giving my 100% and then allowing myself to take rest.

Miracle and Prayers...

Jaane is safar mein aisa kya hua hai?
Mere hain kadam aur tera raasta hai...
Dard judai ka is dil mein bharke...
Dhundenge tujhko raahon mein phirse...
Tere bin soona soona laage...
Jag mujhe soona soona laage...
Tujhko dhundengi yeh aankhein..
Na ja zindagi mein aake...

I feel totally choked without him...and especially after yesterday evening, I have lost all clues in their entirety. It was one 15th October repeated again. Why, how I don't know. All I got to know is...his feelings are still the same...

Then is it really possible that he doesn't love me at all? Today we talked for a long time. I was telling him how, in my worst crisis period...all I used to do was to chant God's name. During that engineering admission time, even recently...it helps me regain the faith in God.

He gave a very queer reaction. I was telling this, and then went on to say, but I don't follow rituals, I don't do it like a routine...and he said, oh that I also don't do. Nobody in my family does it...you don't have to worry about it...

Then again he drifted to strange talks...ohh no one can give happiness, no one can take it away, it comes and goes. You cannot work towards your happiness. A man drinks to be happy and causes his wife sorrow.

I protested thoroughly. Oh Boo...wherefrom do you get your ideas? If a husband and wife decide to drink together...to celebrate their anniversary and get high, nobody is upset. If a wife is upset with her husband's drinking habits, she doesn't have convincing abilities on her husband...the problem lies elsewhere.

Then I went on to tell him...Boo...last evening happened, because we worked towards it. When in the morning I said, I want to say bye to you...you said I can do that in the evening. And then I called you, you said you are coming back, I asked if we can go together, you said, you'll see...

He said he'll drop me on the way, then he went on driving...and he suddenly asked for a pen drive, I was adamant that I have to search for it, he should come and sit inside for that time. He tried to deny but finally gave in. I said, don't worry, I won't touch you. He chuckled...do I need to worry about that? Perhaps my pain showed, that it has come to this :)

I went on to tell him...how it was there all the time in our sub conscious. We got our happiness, because we worked together with the aim of reaching it. Yesterday evening...I slept like I was drunk and drugged. I couldn't take so much happiness in myself...

I did a thing very lovingly today. I ate curd rice. Took a second helping. I don't have enough words to express how much I want this to work out. If only I'd get some help.

Allowing yourself to be bullied...

...is a worse crime to your self respect than anything else on earth. I remember the rare occasions where I have accepted being bullied (most torturing incident was that auto driver asking for 5 extra bucks during a Durga Puja time, when I was in my teens, and when in self justification he said - what if I had taken you to some dark alley and left you there...and I shuddered and buckled in and gave him the money) and I am filled with so much self loathing, way you feel at a revenge not taken, once you let the chance go away, it cripples your free spirit entirely.

Don't know what is going on in the country. My Sovereign Democratic Republic of India. But I can tell that this is because Indian men (and women - but being a girl I feel women are a more liberated species than men) have forever allowed themselves to be bullied. So much so that they don't even realize they are being bullied. And you know what, once the victims reach that stage, bullying becomes a rightful act.

Oh when will people wake up and learn thinking of their own? When will they learn that acceptance without questioning is not a virtue. That norms of the society are not concrete, they are there to be changed. Oh, imagine the frustration, when I have known people who think independently, know what has happened in the society and talk appreciatively about people whose thought process have transformed social mandates, even obliterated them, yet they, like a blind trusting dog, think, "Yes, this has happened, this is logical and rational, but this is NOT applicable to me in the perspective of my family and my society." In other simple colloquial words, "I shall not budge, because obedience is my comfort zone."

And people end up pretending all their life. Understanding that their ideas and beliefs are the very best. I have never thought twice before thrashing such people out in the open.

I remember the principal in my engineering college, who was extremely fond of me and was ready to shell out all kinds of favors to me, the apparently stronger person, but won't help out my lesser able friends. No campus interview in bulk, establish contacts with companies and send them your best brains. Not letting a friend reappear for her exams, because she is suffering from a psychiatric condition. "Oh she is too weak minded to be an engineer." Wanted to scream out to him last week, after giving my resignation - "Hello Sir, this is what your weak minded society has done to your strong minded girl. Even I gave up."

I remember my senior colleague from my previous company. A totally biased person who loves the world that lives by his code. Want to know his code? Story books are useless...those who write them are dumb heads who have no work, those who read them are even worse off. Why? Because story books give you a different perspective? Tells you about someone else's thought process? So many people have told me, ohh fictions are worthless, such things never happen in reality. Excuse me, they do happen. All this while, how do you think I have sustained, if the miracle had not happened in my life. All the time I clung on to that single ray of light, that voice with the first tremor of life murmuring in my ears, "it feels so different when you kiss me back, than when I kiss you. It feels so much better..." Whatever is taken away from me in my life, this is what I will never lose. The triumph of my faith in love, my miracle, proving that love is indeed, supreme.

So ya, not to deviate, let us end on a hilarious note. Might teach bullied people about how to give it back. Without being hurtful. I had set my gtalk tagline as "Tum bin mann ki baat adhuri..." - the song being a summary of all my feelings for the love of my life. This above mentioned ex colleague pings me and dictates - "and pl chnage such line from gtalk status this is not good".
Me: "It is my gtalk, and my tagline...whatever is in my mind, it should reflect that only right?"
" what ever it is , there are some thing which is good to be hidden... any way . no more comment"
Me: hmm :) I want it to be known
"ok"

It pains me a lot to see him being bullied unnecessarily. They have always bullied him and he has never reacted, the gentleman that he is. May be today's entry ensues from that pain only. That I am so helpless, I cannot save the most beloved person of my life from being dictated in a way he doesn't deserve. If I know him even the least bit, he won't be able to pretend for a life time. He is not made of that material. Had he not been as much of a rebel at heart as me, we would have never felt like soul mates. I really don't know when he will realize, that until you are happy in your heart, you cannot give away happiness. It is a strange case of living in a pseudo world...he is convinced he is happy this way, happy being a dead body. From some twisted crooked altruistic sense ingrained in him, he feels he deserves giving up his choice, deserves to be forced to follow that diktat, and never know exultation. But whatever it be, how can I desert the person who had given me the truest sense of happiness and freedom and benevolence once? Until he deserts me, I am not going to walk out on this relationship. My parents have to endure their dreams being crushed, because firstly, their dreams follow nothing but the norms of the society which I have never paid heed to, and secondly and most importantly, they gave birth to such a daughter and brought her up to be the way she is :)

My favorite movies...

Ohh how relaxed I feel after a long long time. It is a feeling when your inner qualms have subsided...and you are finally at peace...have fought, have cried, have embarrassed yourself, have emoted to the maximum possible extent, and have regained your composure. You know you have made a fool of yourself but don't really regret. You regain your self confidence, and with your present state of mind only, you face the world proudly.

Bombay:

25th February 1996. The day I watched Bombay for the first time, amid down pouring rain. I don't know how many more times I will write about about that lonely afternoon full of so many new realizations. Today the 32 year old girl sits back and thinks there must have been some reason why I have worshiped Bombay as a movie, despite its apparent irrational plot. Because some day I was supposed to go through the same ordeal, and as my mom says, destroy myself. But still at the same time, hope is born out of nowhere. When I frantically search for the vocal version of Bombay theme in youtube. No, the instrumental version won't suffice. I need to listen to the song - the words, that give life to that mesmerizing tune:

Aankhon mein ummeedon ke kuchh ho sapne...
Aanchal aman ka ho tan mann pe apne
Raatein ho gehri to kya?
Aata hai aakhir ek din naya...

Harano Sur:

Literally meaning "The Lost Music", there has hardly been any other movie where I have felt so one at heart with the female lead. No, she doesn't fit the modern girl who has her life in her stride, but she has this peculiar confidence all the same. "My father says, the right to make mistakes is a very big personal right of human beings". From that immense pride, to her subtle feeling of happiness when Alok, still unable to recognize his wife, is overcome with the piano tune of a song she sang to her on their wedding night and is compelled to present Rama with a bouquet of flowers, to the final helplessness, "My husband...has forgotten me..." Rama also gives up everything and is finally forced to return to her father's house. Oh what acting, what expressions. "See...I have come here with a lot of hope" - oh how do you convince a husband who has lost his memory? The pain and the resolve is unparalleled. Had I not watched this movie, had it not been one of the guiding stars of my life, I wouldn't have seen this date. The song keeps haunting the soul who has forgotten everything, only apart from the faint essence of devotion he had once promised. And their entire relationship hangs precariously on the edge of that vague memory.

Tum bin mann ki baat adhuri...

Have you ever faced a situation where you don't know how you are feeling? I am really realizing what they mean by going with the motions. Since morning I have gone through thousand different kinds of emotions. But the only advantage an intelligent girl has is, she can at least make out what is the most intense among her emotions. Yes, unabashedly I should admit, it is my sense of guilt. I am leaving him and going. I am giving up on him. I am doing what everyone else has done with him. Give him no worth. No value. Put all blame on him and just go. How much will he bear? Is there no end to his sufferings?

What will happen to him once I go? He continues being what he is? In his own words, "I am a dead body, I don't feel anything, yet I am alive, I am happy". There...have you ever heard anything more stupid?

And I am leaving this man and going away? Just because he says he doesn't love me, loves other girls along with me, and in the same breath says, he is capable of loving nobody, he will not love his wife also? Have you ever met anyone more confused? And what if he doesn't love also? As if my life will be any different going back. If he decides to marry another girl, how does it matter if during that time I stay in Bangalore or Calcutta? Does being an ostrich ever help? And that too, he told me that ostriches don't hide their faces in the sand way we think, it is a myth. And I verified it from google too.

So what next? Don't know...let's see. Will keep you informed.

And yes, the song kept me going these few days. I remembered it as if in trance...since then don't know how many times I have listened to it. Can't have enough of it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSum5QHrJYo

Resignation...

And they said...the world is supposed to end on 21st December 2012. The day after my birthday. Did ever the date 6th September come in anyone's mind. That life comes to a standstill for a girl who has perhaps been the greatest moron on earth? Who has believed in God, believed in love, truth and work, in an era where these concepts only are becoming extinct?

Even I thought I'll go on and on only with the intentions in mind, but no action. But how long? At times you need to close the gate and burn the bridges. Do I love him? Yes. Am I doing this to myself out of the love for him or the lack of love of myself? No. I am doing this to give up my hopes and wishes and dreams. Go back, to the same shelter where my life started, and which thankfully still exists. My mom and dad. I know they won't be there forever. I can't even start to think what a dreary life it will be once my savings are done with. And before my savings are done with, what to do with my entire day? How to exist without work? I don't know all that. I am not even asking questions to myself. I will never ever ask God the big question of defeatists, "Why me?". I must have done something, for which He made me go through all this. It is for me to decide how much I can take and when to say no. My prerequisite for existence is transparency and truth. My soul is intact, there has been few incidents of contempt and too much self pride, for which I may have caused grief to others. I remember once, a pregnant lady had taken up a seat I was standing near, in the bus. Was very tired after school, had felt angry towards her. I don't know, had I wished her and her child something ill? Is that the reason I never got a family life myself? I can only speculate about the mistake, that has caused this punishment. I know there are tortured people all over the world. Everyone faces doom and death in life, accept it and move on. People for whom life has offered nothing, they also exist and smile once in a while, people whom life has given everything, even they feel lonely and depressed at times. I can't explain God's ways of ruling his world. And I can't question on that. I know I wanted to be with him, to cook food for him and take care of him, way all girls want a husband, I wanted him. That was not granted. I am not in a mental and physical condition to work in this state of mind, so I am quitting work. I know I need rest, so I am going back home. These are the only facts present with me. Rest are incessant tears, and the realization that I still love him. I don't love him selflessly, I love him selfishly, I want his love too. But how does that matter. Oh...how does that matter?

All I hope for today, is that I am able to keep my calm and give my resignation. I am very clear in my mind, that if I don't have him, I don't need anything else from life. Nothing else :)

Steps towards the end...

Well...it is funny that I survived so long after writing "Justification of insensitivity". How does it feel now? With the decision taken?
Well it is a decision I have taken so many times earlier also. Taken but not executed. Prior to the actual execution, I do feel restless. And very gravely sad. It is not easy. To let go of my work, my dreams everything at a shot. But then, have I not been pretending long since? What work? It was less of work, more of source of earning money. It gave me no satisfaction. There is no harm in quitting it. I was not feeling up to it anyways.
How does it feel to leave my dear beloved man in life and go away? Well, it doesn't matter. He wants to lose me. He is getting what he wanted to get. I am giving him that and nothing else. 

The last lap...

There must have been something to the dread I felt on 26th August. Crap crap crap...I can still hear myself shouting. How much possessive should one be to feel this kind of jealousy? I almost felt like Sridevi in Nagin, after having fought as the snake, when she came back to her human self, gasping for breath, her sindoor smudged. I felt that angry. Why she has to come back between us? Why does anyone for that matter have to come between us. Why can't people leave us alone?

But tell me what to do when nothing is in your hand? I can not take it anymore. I am feeling feverish. There is a limit to what I can take. I can't take his constant denial anymore. I hate the situation life has brought me too...I hate being so weak...so seeking pity.

Life, at least my professional life enters the last lap. It is not easy to retire or to give up when you have always been a fighter. But in any fight someone has to lose :)

And yes, I know not why I am doing this to myself. That is, why I am reading Before I Forget. If he decides to go back to his lady love, then also there is no way that I can go back to him. He has forgotten me for God's sake. May be only way to come to terms with this pain is reliving that pain...

Good or Bad?

It is never easy to take any decision, and when it comes to a life changing one, it is even more difficult. In my confusions I had forgotten one very simple thing. As much as it is about what life I deserve, it is also about who all deserve me. Over the next month I am going to carry out just a survey, on both these points...

27/08/2012
------------

Good -
1. I studied a bit on some new technology and was able to pay attention. It doesn't seem as intimidating as it did earlier. I am not a dumb person, why should learning something new be difficult?
2. Health seemed better than the rest of the days.
3. Life was rather peaceful, the constant tension and sense of being left out was not there, probably because he is onsite.
Bad -
1. I don't understand the policies of this office, it somehow makes you feel left out and unwanted. My allocation to the resource pool today was pretty demotivating.
2. I don't like this girl, Boo's so called lady love. I feel envious towards her and towards the way Boo talks about her in an all lovey dovey way. I don't find her to be exceptional. She is one of those "I love being shady and mysterious" ladies. Not at all an open book like me.


28/08/2012
------------

Good -
1. Well the waking up was good, to begin with. Leisurely and refreshing and purposeful. It felt as if I am getting back my balance. Happened to remember my dream last night and note it down and also a wish, as decided.
2. One of the good decisions I have taken lately is to take an auto to office everyday. Ya some auto drivers refuse or ask for more fare over and above the meter price, but I ignore them. Overall the exhaustion of walking is not there. Today got a decent auto driver in the morning who went by the route I said, though his meter showed a little more than what it usually takes, but not more than 4-5 Rs. Also while coming back there was a lot of traffic, but I got a window seat and the lady conductor in the bus readily returned my change.
3. Work wise it was good, the software got installed, though I am yet to configure it.
4. Yes yes yes, how can I forget. Boo keeps talking about other girls in romantic ways to irritate me...and I get very upset. But today, the following conversation happened -
he: and my lady love.. 
me: don't say this word na boo plz... m serious, it bothers me a lot, don't talk of loving other girls... I just can't take it 
he: ok wht did that another female in the table say :)
I still can't believe in one protest of mine he changed his way of speaking. I still can't believe it.
5. Talked with mom and had a nice evening after office.

Bad -
1. Only bad thing that happened today was my lack of faith in Boo. In the same point let me include a disinterested friend who was once very close, a bull fight I saw on the road and some agitated dogs running about in and extremely life threatening traffic.


29/08/2012
------------
Good -
1. Had my first Onam lunch.
2. Life was slow paced yet peaceful. I have almost stopped taking any kind of tension.

Bad -
1. Why don't people return money which they owe me?


30/08/2012
------------
Good -
1. Bhalobashi Bhalobashi :) nothing...it was a most mundane boring useless day...it turned out to be so so different because of that one explicit conversation :)


31/08/2012
------------
Good -
1. Salary came
2. Peaceful and relaxed day...little work...nothing hectic
3. Nice dinner at night.
4. Despite overspending, ended up managing month within 35 K. That is like 15K over budget, not much.

Bad -
1. Everything turned sour, ever the extreme romanticism that yesterday night generated. I didn't want it to die, but it did. I really don't know how I am going to make this work out.

01/09/2012
-------------

Bad -
1. Everything is bad about today.

02/09/2012
-------------

Good -
1. The continuous song session that today morning was.
2. My Boo Boo. So long as he is present in my life, nothing can really be bad.

5 years...

Last to last Saturday morning I woke up and casually checked my mobile...for sms's from Boo. I was at my hometown. He had gone over to his hometown as well, because his granny had passed away. It was a casual glance I gave at the mobile and realized...it's 18th August. How uneventful a 18th August has become for me. Is this what happens when the person you love gets distant? Ya the doctor did declare me cured, and I did watch a very nice movie in theater with my parents, but apart from that...where was that excitement that I felt even on 18th August last year? Where was the art work, poems which I usually manage to do for him? Just a consciousness. Yes it is 18th August.

Almost same thing happened for 26th August too. Was this the date when 5 years back I chose to screw up my life? There was no way of knowing that I might have any repentance from the way I behaved yesterday. I was happy, in a jovial mood. Did shopping and met up with friends. Frankly speaking I am scared to be this happy. Happiness is not a thing that agrees with my system well. Yes I am a bit apprehensive and unsure but that is the maximum negativity I am having in my mind. Otherwise I am happy and that's what is troubling me.