It's been a long long time since I have written here. I know that. The last couple of weeks have been fleeting images of void. Void that would creep in every now and then, but wouldn't last enough to hurt me. It is but natural, given that a very integral part of my life, my career, has completely gone missing. It looks very much like last puja holidays - when I had stayed home from 18th October to 5th November. But then I had to go back and face the world again. This time there is no compulsion. I am as free as one can be. I actually personalize freedom these days. I do what I wish to do. I run my own empire. I don't have to do anything that I dislike...anything that causes me any discomfort whatsoever. That choking feeling whenever I'd be forced to accept or comply with something I could never agree with, is gone totally. Life is pleasant. I play my keyboard, I read story books, I talk for hours with my parents and grandma, I pamper my brother (he however left for Bangalore today, so henceforth I will miss him till he comes back four months later) - and time just moves on. I have however lost a lot in the course of time. E.g. in the history of my famed fondness for Durga Puja, it has never been so (except the one time I was in Prague and couldn't attend a Puja) - that I haven't given pushpanjali on all 4 days. This time, I went only on Mahashtami day - I felt reluctant on all other days. Have I lost my faith in the Goddess? May be not, it is just that - after having lost so much in life, I don't have anything much to ask for - I have become indifferent.
However, I don't suffer from depression anymore. That's very much evident to me. I take time to deck myself up and look my best. I don't mind much when people pass pinching remarks (which girl in the neighborhood who's like 4-5 years younger than me just got a new kid etc. etc.). Some people, I don't know with what intention, give advice I have never sought from them - viz. old age is a scary thing, you'll become very lonely, so please get married. I want to give them a piece of my mind, but then they are elderly people. If they pity me, let them. I can't change other people. I have finally accepted that. So I just nod, smile and get out of their way. Thanks but no thanks. One of my favorite kiddos, from the engineering college where I used to teach, is going through a separation. She is the girl I might have told you about, who came all the way from her hometown, which was in another state, to meet me after I resigned from the college to join my previous company at Mysore. She hasn't missed wishing me happy teacher's day on a single occasion ever since then, on 5th September every year. She gives me the realization that I have been successful at everything I have done, even if it was teaching for 5 months only. Such a gem of a girl, who knows how to maintain relationships, how can she be forced to go through such a painful thing as separation after 3.5 years of married life? I really won't like to try my hand at such a lopsided thing as marriage then. In God's world, I guess nothing is fair.
But I no more get upset at the thought of a lonely life. Oh how I enjoy my loneliness. I seem to have enough money to support myself. I am proud of the way I have planned my financials. There is no imminent danger of poverty. As I said earlier, the only trouble is the on and off sense of boredom - so I have decided to look for a job - though it would take a substantial toll on my ego to go for a job that'd pay lesser than my last drawn salary, but then money is not the factor, it'd at least keep me occupied. For the time being though, I have lots of things to keep me occupied. My self taught key board lessons are on. On the window sill behind the headboard of my bed, I have arranged the few books I managed to bring, all the toys, dolls et al that used to adorn my bedside table in Bangalore, why, I even managed to bring Appu and Neelu, though I had to pay some excess baggage fee this time :) In fact I had to literally coax the Air India personnel who helped with my check in - solemnly admitting, "look I am moving out of Bangalore permanently, so I really couldn't cut down on the luggage" - and decreased the fine by half. By the way, travelling by Air India was amazing. The food, the service and the in flight entertainment, everything kind of exceeded expectation. Why do the Indian media always demote and never promote good things in the country? Same is applicable about Kolkata airport - never read a single article about just how amazing the Kolkata airport is - to me it seems to be of the same standard as Changi airport.
Well, given the immense choice of in flight entertainment in the Air India flight, (to tell you the truth, I thought so far, that none of the domestic airlines provide any) - I finally settled for a old black and white Hindi movie called Ek Phool Char Maali, starring Sunil Dutt and Waheeda Rehman. Frankly speaking the sheer good looks of the leading pair mesmerized me - you'd hardly find anyone so beautiful in the modern generation of stars. And after a while I realized to my utter awe - OMG is this not the same story as Dulhan Hum Le Jayenge? Never knew that one is a remake. I tell you, it was one of the most memorable flights I have had - what with the piping hot sambhar they served with the dosa, the smooth take off and landing, and then discovering a smiling photo of Netaji in the airport (I never imagined that Netaji would look so different with the smile on his face).
So back home, I continue being happy. And totally, thoroughly independent. I keep my premises speck less clean. I'd never let my room assume a similar look as my Bangalore house. I even regularly clean the toilet. Oh the bed is so clean and comfortable, and I can sleep as long as I want (though I never overdo it). Food is amazing man - there is not a single moment when I feel - I wish I had better food. Rather I always keep feeling, oh what trash I used to eat in Bangalore and spend so much money on it - who will not give away everything for homemade food.
So far, homecoming has been an absolute boon. I have finally gotten rid of my major weakness - that I could never stop loving the people I have loved once - whatever they have turned into afterwards couldn't change that feeling. Now I ruthlessly hate them, but don't let that hatred trouble me. I know now that they are worth nothing in my life, I hate them for having ruined my life in every way possible, but then, I am thankful that finally I have done something to make myself happy. A happiness those monsters can't do anything to snatch away from me. So I become indifferent to them, and enjoy my time at home. I just hope that I get some job here, any job that makes me sustain this happiness. But for now, I'd rather be shielded from this big bad world for some more time. And enjoy my "ME" time :)
P.S. - I finished Diamond Rush - all 99 red diamonds I got - it was SO MUCH FUN :) :)
However, I don't suffer from depression anymore. That's very much evident to me. I take time to deck myself up and look my best. I don't mind much when people pass pinching remarks (which girl in the neighborhood who's like 4-5 years younger than me just got a new kid etc. etc.). Some people, I don't know with what intention, give advice I have never sought from them - viz. old age is a scary thing, you'll become very lonely, so please get married. I want to give them a piece of my mind, but then they are elderly people. If they pity me, let them. I can't change other people. I have finally accepted that. So I just nod, smile and get out of their way. Thanks but no thanks. One of my favorite kiddos, from the engineering college where I used to teach, is going through a separation. She is the girl I might have told you about, who came all the way from her hometown, which was in another state, to meet me after I resigned from the college to join my previous company at Mysore. She hasn't missed wishing me happy teacher's day on a single occasion ever since then, on 5th September every year. She gives me the realization that I have been successful at everything I have done, even if it was teaching for 5 months only. Such a gem of a girl, who knows how to maintain relationships, how can she be forced to go through such a painful thing as separation after 3.5 years of married life? I really won't like to try my hand at such a lopsided thing as marriage then. In God's world, I guess nothing is fair.
But I no more get upset at the thought of a lonely life. Oh how I enjoy my loneliness. I seem to have enough money to support myself. I am proud of the way I have planned my financials. There is no imminent danger of poverty. As I said earlier, the only trouble is the on and off sense of boredom - so I have decided to look for a job - though it would take a substantial toll on my ego to go for a job that'd pay lesser than my last drawn salary, but then money is not the factor, it'd at least keep me occupied. For the time being though, I have lots of things to keep me occupied. My self taught key board lessons are on. On the window sill behind the headboard of my bed, I have arranged the few books I managed to bring, all the toys, dolls et al that used to adorn my bedside table in Bangalore, why, I even managed to bring Appu and Neelu, though I had to pay some excess baggage fee this time :) In fact I had to literally coax the Air India personnel who helped with my check in - solemnly admitting, "look I am moving out of Bangalore permanently, so I really couldn't cut down on the luggage" - and decreased the fine by half. By the way, travelling by Air India was amazing. The food, the service and the in flight entertainment, everything kind of exceeded expectation. Why do the Indian media always demote and never promote good things in the country? Same is applicable about Kolkata airport - never read a single article about just how amazing the Kolkata airport is - to me it seems to be of the same standard as Changi airport.
Well, given the immense choice of in flight entertainment in the Air India flight, (to tell you the truth, I thought so far, that none of the domestic airlines provide any) - I finally settled for a old black and white Hindi movie called Ek Phool Char Maali, starring Sunil Dutt and Waheeda Rehman. Frankly speaking the sheer good looks of the leading pair mesmerized me - you'd hardly find anyone so beautiful in the modern generation of stars. And after a while I realized to my utter awe - OMG is this not the same story as Dulhan Hum Le Jayenge? Never knew that one is a remake. I tell you, it was one of the most memorable flights I have had - what with the piping hot sambhar they served with the dosa, the smooth take off and landing, and then discovering a smiling photo of Netaji in the airport (I never imagined that Netaji would look so different with the smile on his face).
So back home, I continue being happy. And totally, thoroughly independent. I keep my premises speck less clean. I'd never let my room assume a similar look as my Bangalore house. I even regularly clean the toilet. Oh the bed is so clean and comfortable, and I can sleep as long as I want (though I never overdo it). Food is amazing man - there is not a single moment when I feel - I wish I had better food. Rather I always keep feeling, oh what trash I used to eat in Bangalore and spend so much money on it - who will not give away everything for homemade food.
So far, homecoming has been an absolute boon. I have finally gotten rid of my major weakness - that I could never stop loving the people I have loved once - whatever they have turned into afterwards couldn't change that feeling. Now I ruthlessly hate them, but don't let that hatred trouble me. I know now that they are worth nothing in my life, I hate them for having ruined my life in every way possible, but then, I am thankful that finally I have done something to make myself happy. A happiness those monsters can't do anything to snatch away from me. So I become indifferent to them, and enjoy my time at home. I just hope that I get some job here, any job that makes me sustain this happiness. But for now, I'd rather be shielded from this big bad world for some more time. And enjoy my "ME" time :)
P.S. - I finished Diamond Rush - all 99 red diamonds I got - it was SO MUCH FUN :) :)
