It rained today. Rained a huge lot. As usual I felt happy and got wet in the rain. Rain seems to be my best friend. A friend who won't change, who won't leave me ever. A friend who doesn't have other friends. It's always our world, the world just for the two of us.
It gave me time to think. Think over what's been happening. The rain always clears up my mind.
Two things have been going on parallely. I have been listening to my mind. At the same time I have been attaching too much importance to this. I have to remember that I have overcome worse times in my life. I had to let go of my soul mate even. Quietly, without even telling him how much I loved him. I have failed in exams, didn't get admissions anywhere for more than 2 weeks after Higher Secondary results were out. I have walked out of the exam hall in my Masters degree. I have lost jobs, changed entire course of my career for petty fights (which by the way were important for me). I have got two successive 5 on 5 rating from client. I guess I have been a brave enough girl. I should not be governed by the thoughts and acts of a guy who doesn't even know his preferences. And one more thing. People who play safe side games are not my particular favorites. I have never tried to keep anyone happy, always acted as the situation demanded. I don't like people who want a peaceful, well made up world devoid of choice.
He always tells me, that he gives chances to people. First chance, second chance etc. To see if they are his type. And then based on the response, dismisses them, or establishes the friendship. Well I too tend to do that. I do have gluing properties and an open mind, and I can entirely revise my earlier decisions on someone, based on circumstances, but still I too have a tolerance level. E.g. I now know that Deepti is pretty selfish. I mean, I have always known that, but turned a blind eye because I loved her so much. Similarly, Ananya doesn't have much control on her mind. That makes her pretty much volatile. These are perhaps among my longest lasting friendships, but when my mind has changed, I can't deny that. My mind doesn't lie to me.
I have lost a kid. I guess not having a kid ever shouldn't lead to such desperation. I've lived through the bad times. I can handle this as well. I should always remember that I'm among the creme de la creme of the happier section of people on this earth. I actually have nothing to complain about. People get married and divorced and have kids - might be a natural phenomenon, still big deal that I'm not one of them. I won't say no regrets. Depression is a natural part of life. What I refuse is to give this gentleman more importance than he deserves.
I know what I'm sad about. I've lost my best friend. What can be done about that? Mind doesn't ask permission before creating deeper bonds. I have to accept my loss. It will rain forever. I shall shed silent tears. And heal my pain myself. Its ok, I am capable enough of living alone.
I absolutely loved the spark. I have treasured and nurtured it for 10 long months. When it cannot create fire, why beat about the bush? I don't need petty cash, I'm a multi millionaire, remember :) - it's of course an entirely different track that I have a broken phone, but can't even afford to change it :( But, since now, I'm quite sure I'll manage to learn webMethods, I guess I should change the house.
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