Midnight blues

As much as I love reading Hercule Poirot, I probably couldn't have done with one more in a row. Since the time I got my tab  (20th July), I have read 21 books, about 16 of which were Poirot. Boredom and repetition is bound to come even with the best of authors, if you read someone’s work so very regularly. The last one I read was The Hollow (finished it last night) - poignancy and psychology smeared all over it, just the way I like. But still in my mind I knew I have to put a temporary brake on this, it had almost started hurting my head.

Was just looking for new books on Amazon - the latest Robert Galbraith has been published, when I remembered sneaking on one of Avik-da's Facebook conversations on thrillers, and the mention of The Girl On The Train in that. I often read entire conversations of Avik-da on Facebook without participating or liking any bit of it, so that my presence is not known to him. I like anonymity or the feeling of being invisible, shrouded. I am too insignificant to take part in sensible and intelligent discussions, why, I am almost a ghost! But even a ghost has her social needs, and so I intrude without being obvious and of course I mean no harm.

I downloaded the book and started reading it. It is beautiful. Poignancy and psychology smeared all over it, just the way I like. Ha ha ha isn't life repetitive :)

Bhai went away to Bangalore today. Had to get up at 4:00 o'clock to take him to the airport. Have slept in between, so not really feeling sleepy, rather feeling fatigued and empty. Thank God books were there, though the headache that results from this continuous reading is not that good a thing. You do get the life you want, I always wanted a life with a never ending supply of story books, but nowadays I'm often afraid of a time in far away future when I might just feel like banging my head if there's nothing else to do.

সর্বময়... Omnipresent!

আমাদের বাড়িতে এখনও তোর কথা কত চলে ভাব... সব বাড়িতে লক্ষ্মী পুজো হল আজ, আমাদের বাড়িতে হবে কাল - সূর্যোদয় না হলে নাকি তিথি হয়না!

যাক সে কথা - এবারের পুজোটা বড় ভালো কাটলো... সবচেয়ে আনন্দ পেয়েছি পুজোর কাজ করতে পেরে - সপ্তমী, অষ্টমী দুইদিন, নবমী-দশমী একইদিনে পড়েছিল, ‌ ওদিন সকালে শরীরটা খারাপ হল... আসলে সকালে ওঠার অভ্যাসটাই চলে গেছে...

But the most amazing thing was that all these four - five days I never felt lonely or scared or gloomy or apprehensive, way I do almost all the time otherwise. I was free as a lark, devoted and happy. একদম "আনন্দধারা বহিছে ভুবনে"... I was as if all set to lap up every bit of it... I was wondering - for someone like me who lives at the edge of life (to think in a sane way, how little of life I have - a job that might go anytime, and no future generation to speak of - as if there's only today to live in)...but still - what grandeur of existence I felt in these few days... I can't explain...I am practical and I do wonder that if God does exist then why is there so much grief and injustice - and then in the presence of God I forget that question! 

To sum it all up, ফিরে দেখা, looking back, and at the same time looking forward to...some more divine happiness like this - may be I am finally discovering what life is all about? What I was two years back, may be I'd again become two years later, but in between, as on this day, that I had fully recovered and reunited with my childhood self, no fear, no regret, no disappointment - that in itself is God's grace and my triumph. 

18 years back...

 

The  Google doodle on Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan compelled me to write after this long hiatus. I have been living quite a mechanical life all these days, you see, life in Calcutta is not life in Bangalore, I have things to do here, too many things. Grocery shopping for example. Getting biscuits for my puppies. One day, if the stock is low, and because I live in a God-forsaken land where there is no next door shop to rescue - I can't stop blaming myself when I see their sad faces. Then there's banking, there's pension - there's simple ATM withdrawal - no...my parents can't do these things on their own, and despite all my attempts I haven't been able to digitize everything. Oh and by the way, there's a God-forsaken job too - where the researcher won't care to do the research, and the assistant won't assist. I end up doing everything - from clerical work to conceptualizing papers - where is the time in life to write? I barely get an hour to read...at the end of the day...

Today I was forced to boot up the Mac as there was important pre-puja accounting stuff to do - although the regular details are jotted down in my tab - so, what else do I find except a zero charge and the date being reset to 01-01-2013 00:00 - just imagine :(

I open a Firefox window - Google is always my home page. On comes the image of one of my most favorite music person. And then, having finished the major chunk of work, when I finally open my blog, on comes my image - though it shows just the nose-pin, it is so typical me - it almost makes me shout - that's me, that's me...

After work is over, I feel like listening to some Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan song...any one...but I feel I must indulge myself this bit...from my usual consideration (it is well past 1) - I put on the headphone. Which one then? I give a search in you tube - tere bin nahin jeena mar jaana dholna...

And as I watch the song...the beautiful Manisha in glowing yellow, in the backdrop of rugged snow clad peaks of the Himalayas (have I ever written here how I used to be her fan in those days?) - as I watch the song, myriads of thoughts come to my mind...such a different world it was then...for some reason, without doing wiki I fix up the movie to be in or around 1997 - and I keep listing in my mind - in 1997 - Manisha was this gorgeous heroine - not knowing how she would fail in her career going ahead, how she would survive cancer, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan was still composing, unaware of imminent death, Lata Mangeshkar was at the helm of her career still, not the recluse she has become nowadays, Ajay Devgan acted with a lot of EQ (there was this article in ABP about it - which I read up and still remember), in fact if I remember correctly, Kajol and Ajay were not yet married, and he had something of an affair with Manisha too, there was smart photography even in those days, Saif, in those days, did he have any idea who Kareena was or that he'd end up marrying her? In fact he was busy doing those stupid movies with Akshay Kumar (in many of which Kajol used to be his heroine)...

I? I was still this South Pointer with no idea about life, my friends probably planned their future lives and studies, and my dad was a strong and dependable man, though equally biased then as he is now, about what's correct and what's not...my brother looked like the cricketer he was at that time, not the overweight bread earner of the family, and home sweet home was at SaltLake...with a Mother Dairy stall nearby, from where I'd fetch milk in a can and at times dad would buy me mishti doi...milk used to cost some 3 Rs 25 p then...if I remember correctly...

The very premise might be wrong, Kachhe Dhaage might not be a 1997 movie after all (I have never watched the movie, it was not my type of movie) - but life bygone...the song and the Sufi singer - brought back a glimpse of it for me...