Tired...

I was tired of showing my teeth today. Almost the whole office knew that I am very happy and I am catching up with all my friends and relatives over the phone. People had no doubt whatsoever that I am totally idle and very delighted about that. Towards the evening, it was time to change colors. As I got out of the office, my backpack seemed heavy. I dragged myself to the bus stop. I couldn't look away from the welcoming empty seats of an A/C Volvo. I got in and closed my eyes. As the first droplets of tears were getting formed in them, a picture formed in my mind...

10 in the night, and I was dead tired. Yet I kept waiting, writing and revising the silly code. When I'd see him enter through the glass door. Haggard, crease in forehead, laptop in hand, he'd look at me and his face would break into this wonderful smile to which he'd try his best to add a taunting color. Who cared? A girl's greatest happiness lies in waiting for her man when he returns from work. I never had to hide that I was waiting only for him. Everyone knew that.

Lunch time, and he'd plead to me, "go and have lunch, I'd take time". I wouldn't obey him. He'd finally come and whatever be the case, be there 20 people with us, or be it just us, would divide his sweet and give me half of it. He never had to hide the fact that he shared his sweet with me, in fact he'd announce the fact.

Today, when nothing of that remains, if there is anything I feel proud about, is the fact that we never bothered to hide. The whole world knew that we share a special bond. We never gave it a name, and finally today, hardly anything is left of the bond, but I can bet that his friends and my friends won't be surprised if they find us talking to each other in the same intimate way. They won't raise questions. Instead they'll say, leave them alone, they were always like that, apple of each other's eye.

And there comes in my biggest question. This is not natural. I am attaching too much of a story to it perhaps. This should immediately be dismissed. I know I am at the verge of oblivion and I have faced the extreme of void in the last couple of years. That is why this seems to be all the more enchanting. But how can someone keep tossing and turning the events of a particular evening in one's mind, when as on the present moment it seems so very inexplicable?

You know what? The truth remains that you possess me. I am not allowed to forget you. Today, in my ecstasy of expressing joy, I did manage to forget you for a while. And that made me realize my mistake all the more. You cannot be replaced. Not by a person, who lives entirely in his own world. I admire him, no doubt. Hardly anyone can be like him, laugh so heartily and live life so fully. But no, he doesn't know how to handle a princess. Way you knew. It is not like you have never hurt me...you abandoned me finally, and many times before that as well. But before that, you made sure you told the world, that you own me completely. There lies my pride. Hence I still belong to you. I know I was foolish to trust you. But still, be it even for just 3 months, you made sure I get my place beside you. Things don't work out at times, but pretension is intolerable.

Like Senjit said in Bishkanya, "Narir purushbesh ami maante pari, kintu nirlajjota asojhyo". I can accept that I am distanced from you, I can't accept I am not there in your mind.

I must get away from this mess. As soon as possible. Whatever it takes, lesser salary, worse designation, no job.