As was the case with the Raaz song, this song kept coming back to me in the past few days...in the middle of all work, all of a sudden a voice would come out with utmost pain...Katena Katena Tere Bina...
I didn't have the remotest idea that this would happen. Thankfully, now I have been able to gather enough work in office to save myself from thinking. I really should thank my employers for treating me so liberally. What I have not gained in the last one year. I should be happy, way my career is developing. A particularly happy event was receiving a mail from the CEO, welcoming me to my new role. Simply loved it. He was the only person I shared the mail with. We had some casual communication, thanks to that mail. Probably the only communication we had this week, apart from his sms's and missed calls. That too has stopped now.
It feels so empty at moments. Somethings are a common trait in our relationship. Like my crying in Volvo buses. Firstly, the Volvo buses make you feel comfortable (except the conductor's reluctance to give 5 Rs change). Then, most people are dozing off. So you can indulge your break down. Today for example, I was as usual tuned in to my ipod. The song from Chak De India, Maula mere le le meri jaan...was playing. Suddenly I remembered my SG days. This was a particular favorite of Sambit. And inevitably I remembered him. Way he would comment on my thoughts (there was this line tija tera rang ttha main to - I explained it as - the color of their flag is the third color of our flag - my my he made such a strange face and burst into laughter) - that memory should have actually made me laugh, but suddenly, I felt excruciating pain. Somehow, away from everyone's eyes, I rubbed off my tears.
I have well planned agendas these days. Come back home and watch so and so movie (I am even watching stuff like Bodyguard - well Kareena and her dresses were quite good to look at) - or probably...sleep early. Something that won't make me wait for him, his calls (which I won't anyways pick up), and his subsequent sms's.
I laugh at myself and tell, let it be. It's over now. It wouldn't have worked out anyways. And yet...all that comes back in return is...aaja katena ratiya...
Today's agenda was...to write up the expenses for November. First I had to put in a lot of effort to locate the last updated expenses file in my mail box. Then after a lot of wrong versions that I downloaded, finally, when I checked the final file, it was updated till Oct 28th.
So I returned to my draft folder in the mobile, where I just note down the expenses, not the description (I guess I already mentioned this in some August entry). And the day, not the date. So 29th Oct was noted as fr 480 20. I began reluctantly, what's this 480 man - must be some dinner I had with bro. 20? Auto fare may be. But as is my habit, I wanted to remember. Which dinner? And then it came back to me. Excerpts of things he had told that day. "You are the only one I'm telling this", "Why do I tell u everything", "I can't express emotions"...everyday from the Volvo bus, I'd painfully look at the window seat at Transit and relive that day. But see, I had forgotten which day. Well, thankfully 31st October was not eventful. My iball earphone had finally stopped working so I had to buy a new one. Since there was no branded one, I got a local one for Rs 90 (which by the way stopped working last week). Apart from that, bus fare and lunch.
Then came 1st November. Curious figures. Tu 7 4 10. I was once again bowled over. This is no stone age, that bus would take 7 or 4 instead of 11. Not even 10. If I'm unable to give change, he'll keep entire 20 Rs but not take 10 :) Then what. I kept pondering, 1st November, was it a holiday? Yes of course it was, Kannada Rajyotsava. But what did I do? And then it all came back. That was probably the maddest thing I have ever done in my life. That day told me just how much I am in love with him (without any apparent reason - as the dumb head simply doesn't deserve me) - that day kind of changed me. Probably what I did last Saturday night (oh when will Saturday nights stop making me crazy?) was the culmination of what I did on November 1st. Ab tere bina Sajna Sajna Kate Katena...once again...
He's not the first man I've been with. Not the closest I've come to any man. Then why should he be allowed to cause so much turmoil in my mind. How can he make me so lifeless? This has never happened, never ever happened.
This is for him...even if we never speak to each other again...
O Humdum Bin Tere Kya Jeena?
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