Etched...

At the end of every happy day, there is a certain sense of defeat, of failure. Today we went to Praha Zoo. Over the last couple of years, probably due to the sheer lack of human beings in my life, I have grown into an animal lover. Who loves every yawn from the lioness, every stretching of the big cat as her cubs play with food. Quite strangely I loved the way the anaconda moved, slowly uncoiling and recoiling itself. I was not scared of anything apart from the chair lift, after the accident in Simmering, I have realized that its better to stay away from heights, it simply doesn't suit me. May be I have become over protective of myself. Still, in a hilarious incident today, I was complemented or rather I confused one Czech lady, who was amazed at my daring costume. I wore a sleeveless jacket and it was pretty cold today. She showed her 3 layers of sweaters and jackets and overcoats and I didn't quite understand whether congratulated me or ticked me off for being so grossly exceptional (I was perhaps the only person wearing a sleeveless dress in entire Prague today - at least I didn't meet anyone else in the entire day - short skirt yes, sleeveless no). So my stay in this beautiful country is ending on a rather positive note. I have proved some points. I can be quite adaptive, and extremely unique at the same time :)

But end of the day, the life in Bangalore threatens me. I feel this sense of nothingness once again. I know that the only negativity of my life is that I don't have a companion. I am not maimed or crippled, neither has something grossly fatal happened to my near and dear ones. But at times it becomes rather difficult to deal with. Today when my friends left on the chair lift, I was left quite alone, to roam around on myself. It was then that I found the zoo train. The driver, who didn't speak much English, tried to explain about the one way trip and the round trip. Me, with my assumed wealth, opted for the round trip. But when I reached the end of the first half, I realized that I have done a mistake. The driver wanted to take me back immediately, and I was the only person who had got the round trip ticket. Everyone else got down. I meekly requested him to give me some time so that I could explore around. To my surprise he readily agreed. Actually the pseudo author in me ponders a lot about this. Why is someone a wife beater at home, but the boss's pet in the office? And then again, some people are only good, or only bad, i.e. they maintain a consistency. However, to go back to the story. As the driver was having a smoke, I was in a dilemma in my mind. Has he really understood what I said, or am I going to lose my 30 Krona? With the debate in my mind, I went to see the feeding of the seals. Lovely show it was, right from the seals' belly dance to the kiss on the mouth of the trainer lady. Reminded me of the walrus (?) in 50 First Dates. When I came back, the driver gallantly ushered me onto the train. "Wow", I said to myself. Went on to see to gorillas and the tigers.

It all taught me a lesson. I can survive. It's not a problem. Just that I don't want to survive in this way. I am not falling weak mind you. I am being practical. I need a lot of pampering. And I deserve it as well. It is difficult to think in Steve Job's terms. I am 32, have a decent enough bank balance, if I am to die tomorrow, I'd like to leave my job today and go back to Kolkata. Spend the last day with my parents. This much is very clear to me. Problem comes, if I don't die. Being a USD millionaire and a Rupee millionaire is not the same thing by any remote means. I need money, if I don't die tomorrow. Kolkata will give me everything but money. I don't want to get into a job I don't like and one that doesn't pay. I don't want to compromise, and I should have my say. How the hell will I get an all encompassing solution for this?

With the question burning in my mind, I go to put water in my sleepy eyes. Though I have my last meeting with the apple faced guy tomorrow, I don't want to sleep as yet. Just 3 more days of life I have got, you see. And, I looked into a wonderfully innocent baby face. Nothing has changed in its features, from the days when she used to go out with dad for pandal hopping. That time, every year, she used to pray, give me one friend O Goddess, she used to feel it's cool to hang out with a group. Why have I never got friends? I feel the same blankness even today. But only the blankness. No other torture of time is there. I am sure, if he met me today, instead of years back, he'd still call me baalike. Just how far away is death?