How to live a social life, is a question that often comes to my mind. I am basically unsocial. Not because of current circumstances. I am like this from my childhood. As a baby too...I was shy of company. Whenever there would be a crowd, I'd start crying. However crying is another story altogether. All my life, I have been so so fond of crying. So much so, that when I was a kid, 3-4 years old, I did such a marathon attempt at crying, that my dad managed to record a full 90 minutes cassette on that :) :)
It was when I was in my teens, then sejdibhai - the ever deprived talent of our family, told me something. "Your tears are very valuable, don't shed them for petty things". Now I try to obey that. Sejdibhai has always been my idol. The first daughter was loved, the youngest - who was finally born to fulfill their wish for a son, was pampered. Sejdibhai, the middle child, was never cared for. Yet she has been by far the most talented. Neither my uncle nor my aunt ever understood her true value. Then when the family broke apart, the eldest came back after an almost broken marriage with a baby boy, and the youngest died in an accident, she was the one who took over the responsibilities of sustenance. Yet, in my knowledge, she has never been happy. Her sister's marriage, despite all turmoil, did manage to survive finally. Her's didn't. A triple graduate, lecturer, over achieving person now leads a retreated life. She has developed into a maniac person, permanently damaged by migraine pain, and hardly manages to go to her work place even. I spend sleepless nights thinking about how on earth she'll manage to bring up her daughter, but can't approach her to help. All her life, she has lived in the nest of her pride. That is what keeps her alive. I can't even dare to break that shield. And besides, we lost touch long back, because of an unnecessary family feud. In the days when email had not yet come, I used to send her letters regularly, in those quaint pink and blue inland posts. She had a marvelous handwriting, which probably is again a family trait. Dad's handwriting is like calligraphy only, I have also inherited it somewhat. I still have those well written mails from her. Above all else, the pride reflects. "You should always reply back to me, Shari" - they always called me Shari, meaning female parrot. "If you miss your replies, I will also withdraw. I can't beg someone to keep in touch with me". I did the same mistake that she had warned me against. What if our fathers fought. Why did we fall apart?
However, as fate would have it - she lives in her own island, I live in mine. We do have our means of sustenance. We are indeed independent. But wouldn't it have been immensely better, had we still been in touch? If we had the opportunity of comforting each other in our moments of trauma? But that is not to be.
I don't seek to socialize. One of the reasons I know he's my soul mate, is because, he said some really comforting things to me. Which help me a lot to battle with the crises that I face now and again.
1. Expectation rakkho hi mat.
2. You should at least have one friend. Mann ki baatein mann mein nahi rehni chahiye. At least ek koi ho, jisse bol pao - itna kaafi hai.
So, I don't keep any expectation whatsoever. Me and K were discussing about serial killers yesterday. It seems, ever he is fascinated by them. As soon as I mentioned that I have been reading about them, he was like - "See this is the reason I say you are special. I haven't met a single girl till date who showed interest in serial killers". I was laughing away. I said, "See, normal girls, have a family and career to look after. They are too preoccupied to find so much idle time". He won't give in. "No man", (I hate when he calls me man :@) "you are the most intelligent girl I have ever met, you have knowledge about everything". I wanted to tell him, that's because I am too tired following gmail, if ever the mail count goes up by 1, and I spend that time reading TOI and all and sundry news feeds that the internet has. But I didn't. I wanted to feel good and enjoy the appreciation.
Well, so K is one friend to whom, as of now, I can say anything. So as a result I don't need to keep things in my mind. But surprise comes when I find that I need more social presence. The Saturday was supposed to be idle. Instead on a whim, I called some guests for dinner. And my dinner is usually an elaborate affair. At least 3 side dishes, rice and chapati and at least two desserts, one of them preferably home made. So ever since morning, I find myself chopping onions, boiling potatoes and eggs, burning and cutting my hand, and yet the coconut laddoo tastes awesome. I just hope I have enough chocolate sauce and nuts and cream to garnish the desserts. While doing all these preparations, I asked myself, what was the necessity? The guests are not very near and dear ones. Not even that I am very fond of them. Just mere acquaintances. Then why?
May be I need to prove to myself at times, that if given the chance, I could prove to be the perfect homemaker. I can manage a family and be a host in a better way than most house wives. May be once in a while I need to prove these things to myself?
K asked me jokingly yesterday, "I'll have to check that you yourself are not a serial killer". Yes, it's true that I have grievances with life, but then I always thank God, that despite that I never had to compromise with life. I'd call it a greater torture if I were to marry someone out of social pressure. Living alone is just fine. Living with undesired company is what sounds revolting. Then, if so, why do I invite guests for dinner? You know what, I have an answer. To stay sane. I don't wanna become Norman Bates in Psycho :D :D - but ohh, how I loved his portrayal by this Anthony Perkins guy. What makes a serial killer so exciting is his double standards.
Steve Jobs was in news all over. I was surprised to see how I was moved by the news. May be once again because of the deep bond between me and my ipod. And being an avid reader, I had read his Stanford University speech long back, and nobody can deny how influencing that can be.
Well, about the next big debate, I feel all Indian software companies are body shops, and I don't mind being the body in the shop. You ask me to pose as a body, a zombie or a robot, when I have talent and I can do my work, that will come out in all my avatars. And yes, Chetan Bhagat's writing is by no means fit to be toilet paper - as accused by someone in the TOI debate. I have seen people who never had any inclination towards reading, have finished a Chetan Bhagat book in hours. This in itself is magic enough. And I do believe, IIT and IIMs are responsible for churning out people like him. There is no big difference between NRN and Ratan Tata. All they have done is to transform the Indian economy. What about teaching Indian youth to think differently? Pursue a different alternate life, miles away from the rat race? Way US has produced a Steve Jobs, I guess India should be encouraged to produce more Chetan Bhagats. It's not about being an entrepreneur, it's about thinking differently.
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