Useless...

When he doesn't write back to me I often murmur under my breath and say, "you're useless :("...

Yes I find it extremely sexy. And I'm finally writing the word. I find it sexy to tell him true things about me and him. Way he does too. Like he's been telling me that he stalks people including me and given a chance he'd follow me everywhere. So I told him too. That I stalked him once and now I'm trying to grow out of the habit (you don't need to stalk your only pen friend, do you?)...A while back if I grew impatient I'd check his last online time on WA. But now I have stopped doing that. I don't need to keep a tab on him. সবার শেষে যা বাকি রয় তাহাই লব...

And then I get a bit worried. Is it really possible? Does love really happen or I'm just making things difficult and uncomfortable for him?

I guess it's the latter. Because this impossible love cannot really be reciprocal in nature. In fact I had almost rejected it if truth be told. And then, although he's different from the general mold of men, he is a man after all. So it is not difficult to understand him. And I get it that it's the same bossie syndrome, love you a lot but don't love in that way. And I always feel like offlining my blog. I feel like even telling him, thank God that you don't follow me on my blog. On the other hand, the other day when he told me that he had cried watching Chak De, it was difficult to resist myself from sending him my review of Chak De. It'd be suicidal you see. Given a choice I'd never let him know just how much he means to me...

One more thing. I hate going to office. I hate talking to people. Given a chance I'd stay curled up on my bed all day and just write to him and read up things. I hate my responsibilities and interactions with the society in general. I don't know if he has cured my depression or only just aggravated it. I am not happy with the dreams I see these days. They are on how people are causing me distress or showing me down. My students who apparently think that I was not supposed to set the question I did, my friends and colleagues who are just trying to take advantage. I'd better stay aloof and not try to prove myself to anyone. And I don't want to cling on to him either. I don't want to be anyone's liability. I don't want to be parasitic - though he calls it symbiotic. But that's just his goodness. I am not of any use to anybody...

To HPS, but not today ;)

You know I will write today's entry to you. Open letter. Because, you're so mean in giving clues...you never said you've watched the movie, you didn't even say that the other song was also from the movie...not a word...so mean...

And you know what's the biggest problem in my life right now? It's about how I want to wear pink all the time and I simply do not have enough pink dresses...

And you know what I did as the movie got over? I listened to the song once more on Youtube and it finally showed the stupid airtel ad. Idiot, ads don't come synced up with songs...what's showing to you won't show to me...there's a lot of AI going in...stupid AI...it's called BI actually (show off)...

And as I listened to the song, you know what I remembered? That day in 2012 when I again went back to office after a month's leave. How, my parents and I clutched each other and I recited the poem...
that roughly translates to -

Don't say again that you can't do this,
Think once more why you can't do this...
What 5 other people can, you can also do...
Even if you can't do it, just try once more...
If once more doesn't suffice, try a hundred times...

And I left home to catch the early morning flight, and when I reached Bangalore, the roads seemed alien, and I had to call a friend outside to accompany me inside the office because I dared not go in alone, and then another friend came in and said - she's proud of me, and I've been so brave...

And you know...because I had been that brave, do I have you in my life now...nothing comes free, and I love you. I love you blindly...and right now nothing else matters to me :)

Tears...

Love stories in reality are always painful - never happily ever after. As the song goes...jaane woh kaise log tthe jinke pyar ko pyar mila...

But you know - what pains the most? When one's beloved is her most trusted friend - who's equally hurt as she is, and equally helpless, hopeless and heartbroken - and he chooses to share that pain with her in very good faith...yet he has no idea how much the girl he's confiding to loves him, and that she loves him in exactly the same way he hopes someone would love him, but there's no way she can tell this to him, and moreover to cover up her love from being discovered ever, she has made him promise never to misunderstand her, and he has told her that he won't - until she hits him with a brick or a hammer.

I don't know what is hammer enough for you...but I promise that I will try not to be jealous of your happiness if God ever makes you happy. In fact I am not someone very large hearted, but I actually want you to be extremely happy, even at the cost of my tears. 

At least...honey, I told you most of the things I wanted to tell. Not my mistake if you didn't hear me properly enough to understand...

Something different...

Ok I am writing here today because I wanna give him some break (SwiftKey suggested breakfast)...whatever.

It's not necessary that I tell him every single thing. But I haven't experienced a consistently happy life in time immemorial, na? So it is important for me to document it.

So I saw this strange dream last night. I was teaching digital logic in some new place and lots of senior people were there to evaluate my teaching. And after the class I found them murmuring - she teaches only what she understands well, not what is recommended...

Well the thing is true in a way. I can't teach things I don't understand (there's no point pretending in the class and spreading false information, right?)...but so far as digital logic is concerned, I kinda understand the subject entirely. Digital logic, computer organization, these are like part of my assimilated knowledge. So I found the murmuring a bit insulting. Who doesn't know that old men might be insecure about a dynamic young lady (I was described thus during the HR interview of my first MNC - which was again taken by an old man)

Well the dream didn't end there. In the evening after I return home he calls me. I don't see him in the dream. I just hear that sleepy heavy voice which I find so sexy (the other day he sent me a song which had a car...the car looked absolutely sexy, but I couldn't write the word to him...I ended up telling him something lame like - the car looked wow)...

So apparently in the dream he advises me to install some new app to take care of "our communication". I resist and say I am fine with emails. He starts lecturing me - have you checked your mailbox size - soon it will be full...you better install this app. What a weird dream...

So I wanted to tell him about this dream. But then I can't stay detached from something that'd stay with me all my life (my blog) for someone who might not last even a few months (him). I better take my blog offline, otherwise, if he ever reads it he'd be this series of rolling eyes smiley...

The code language love story...

What's happening D'bhai? And why are such things happening? This joy is not meant for me...this doesn't suit me...everything's gonna come apart all of a sudden and I will go into depression all the more...

But oh but, the hopeless me, the so called virgin me, at least I got to experience the various facets and colors of the thing called love. And flirting. But can I accuse my mirror image of flirting?

I wake up telling myself that we are friends. Entire day - while doing the daily chores, I keep convincing myself about this. We must remain friends, that's how I can save this relationship and probably perpetuate it. And of course both sides indulge in the occasional friendly flirting...that's not banned you know...

Then late at night, tired, I put out the lights and can't wait to fall in his arms. He too, it seems in that unformed dream, has that urgent need, as if time's slipping through his fingers too...like sand...and he's equally impatient as me - what will happen of us? Why did we fall in such a strange kind of love which can't even be allowed to exist?