Proud to be an idiot...

Way a friend talks to a friend.
Way a person repents.
Way lovers kiss for the first time.
Way a decision is taken.
Way one wakes up...and ponders on the first thought that comes to mind.
Way I realized that love is wonderful.

What else could I have done? He's not a black box to me. In fact I'm the person who knows things about him even he doesn't know. So what else could I have done?

I will stop thinking about this. How many years are left for me? 60? At max? How is it difficult to break up this time period, into small chunks of 16 hours, considering sleep doesn't elude me, and I have full 8 hours of peace. These 16 hours can again be broken up into smaller chunks of 1, 2 or 4 hours at max, and all I need to do is to find worthwhile work to fill up this time.

I don't believe in arranged marriages. Not that I won't marry. I'll marry once I meet my soul mate...but that should be accidental, not premeditated. Everyone has a goal in life, right? My goal is to find that one person, who will understand me. Who will protect me, and love me blindly. I can wait all my life for that person. As I have written here so many times, in my childhood, I always wanted a daughter for myself. Then one day, Rito told me, I'd never have a daughter, it's not there in my horoscope. In some things, I believe in astrology. This was one. So...slowly I adapted myself, to the idea of having a son. You see, I tend to accept. I'm not the revolting type. Then, in my worse time, this son became my obsession. Two years back, after my break up, all I wanted was to get married, and have a child. I even repented often, that had I actually compromised and gotten married, even if the marriage would have lasted a little while, I could have had a kid, someone to hold on to for life. Reason why I was so keen on an early marriage was also the fact that I might be running out of time. But as I said, I have managed to accept now. I shall never have a child, never do justice to the point that God created me as a woman. I am also bringing myself in terms with other things. I might soon be losing my mental capability to do my work properly. I might face a lonely death. But who cares?

It's not because of him. First thing I'd do is to alienate myself from him. For he deserves a decent life by all means. But, it's something so difficult, I can't even think of it. This has never happened. He's the first person with whom my ego has willingly lost the battle. In my worst bouts of anger also, all I want is to hold his hand and just be with him. I have become so much like him, that I have started thinking like him. Thinking on the spur of the moment. Just imagine, I, the calculative, contemplative me. I seriously don't think about tomorrow anymore. So I'm no one to confirm what I shall be doing tomorrow. I'm indeed thankful to God that he has given me my independence of choice. I choose to destroy myself.

A small thing I cannot help writing about. Of the myriads of things we talked about yesterday night, one point struck me particularly. He said something like, way my past relationship deteriorated over 5 years, our relation might have a similar fate. And I found myself shouting at him, who has stayed with Anand for 5 years, and has stayed with you as well? Who knows it better? And as I slept, and as I woke up in the morning, all that filled my mind, was the comfort I have with him. Way even when we curse each other, it's so full of love and respect. Way I never get angry with him actually. I'm very sure, even after he gets married to another girl, I'll never blame him (I'll feel bad, but that's my own feeling)...and most of all, I remembered Deepti's mail. She was working on something, and she remembered WG at every step - she wrote to me saying, how she realized he's her guiding star. And I remembered how...I lost the person I loved most, because of him. Neither can I go back to that state again (I have tried). Love a person who never loved me back? NO WAY.

All I know is, he loves me a lot. And same here. I don't know how long this will last. I'm sure my mind will change after his marriage. It will be too late for me to get married then. All accepted, I cannot consent now, for marriage with someone else. You may call it serial monogamy, but I have my own definition of commitment, and I must stick to that.