Distance...

You know why I haven't written for so long? I never felt the urge to talk to myself. Not that I feel it now. But I do feel the intense urge of sharing some silence with myself. My life is over once again. All hopes are gone. You are gone. I thought that if I don't let you go then you won't go. But I am a very transparent girl. I can't let falsehood reign in my life. Hence I write here once more. Alas! If only a sigh could be expressed in letters...

Once again at crossroads

So dear girl, how does it feel? To go through the same motions one more time? To beg, to cry, to get mauled down by insensitivity and to be left helpless? In 2013 you had made some promises to yourself. But no, the wretched you couldn't stop trying...to get a life. A proper girl's life. As if all success lies in being allowed to love a man and be a part of his life. The world has progressed but you couldn't. From 2009 to 2017, it's been 8 years now. Your happiness still doesn't depend on you alone. How did you think protesting would help? If something is dead you can't bring it back to life.

Lifelessness is going to be your way of life. Accept your fears. You can't have a friend to share them with. Everyone is too busy. Just accept your loneliness and the rest of the things won't be easy but you'd be able to deal with it. Don't love baby, don't love.

The unfinished story...

10-June-2017
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Today I finally feel like writing. Yes I am working round the clock 7 days a week and I'm overworked, be it hobby, organizational abilities, studies or mundane office work. Over that there's the stress of a tumultuous personal life. But still today I finally feel sane. Sane enough to realize in my veins a feeling called "subtle bliss". All this while I could hardly register what was happening, I was so dazed. So never mind the fact that I have to wake up tomorrow early morning and rush to the big data class, and then evening there's drama rehearsal followed by a meeting with the Durga Puja committee (I'm assistant to the cultural secretary - who's my music teacher and friend) - I must write today.

May be I won't be able to finish it today - it's a long anecdote, but I shall at least get started. And can we please liberate my blog again? Because the only person I was scared of and hiding it from - has apparently lost his scarecrow image.

I can mix up incidents, lose track and destroy continuity. But the lapses can be forgiven. Because it's a real fairy tale. The human race is adept in concocting imagined fairy tales. A real one seldom happens - and has never been documented in a perfect way. Perfection created by God cannot be overwritten.

Yes I got back my faith in God.

21-June-2017
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Yes, that's my condition. It's difficult for me to write. I keep blaming him. First your mails and then this impossibility. But all the more, because it is impossible, does it need documentation, right?

So it all probably started on 10th May. It was a full moon day, the birthday of Lord Buddha. A holiday when we had to work. I still believe that it was that day (and night) which rolled the dice into action. Despite all our planning of getting seats beside each other on the flight to Delhi, our self-imposed barriers would not have been broken had it not been for the tumultuous and extreme emotions that rocked us throughout the day.

In the near future, when he'd take me by storm in some very different way, I'd silently enjoy the torture while reflecting in my mind that may be I've been made for this man, because I've cried involuntarily and helplessly in his grief, forgetting my own selfish sorrows...

July 3, 2017
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OK so I write again. What is it with the movie Hasee toh Phasee? We had an amazing time and great food on 10th May. I was trying to convince myself that I can do anything to help him in any way. Hence I was super polite to the particular crush of his and was making every effort of talking with her and making her comfortable. I liked her once. She understood my love in a way. When I'd write stupid Facebook posts on the "funeral party" or how I am বিধাতার সৃষ্টির অপব্যয় - she'd often be the only person to like the post. But afterwards she had changed so much due to her pseudo ambition and then how on earth can you like someone who is occupying your place in the mind of the man you love? So I just play acted probably but I did even that with a lot of honesty. I wanted him to get a proper closure but that was not the main thing. I was lost in my own happiness. I looked pretty, wore long large earrings and spent an almost entire day with him. And there was more to come. I was dreaming off with যৌবনসরসীনীরে when reality struck. His first mail in the evening came in. I didn't think much. I thought that he'd be in a similar state of mind as me and probably tell me that he's happy too. I was just not prepared for the content of the mail. I again feel that excruciating pain, total sinking of the heart and knowing one more time that I don't count in this person's life. He was heartbroken on saying probably the final goodbye to his muse and there was actually no closure, instead the event was wrenching out the grief of more than a year that had been accumulating in him ever since she turned down his proposal. But the tragedy was elsewhere. He said he's grateful that I'm his friend. He couldn't have expressed this to anyone else. He ended up the rant by saying that I am awesome. যৌবনসরসীনীরে seemed like a joke. I sent him the extended cut of the Manchala song from Hasee toh Phasee. Writing uptill this almost 2 months later was so painful that it has drained me. I shall write sometime later.

25-July-2017
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Today he went to Mumbai. The long distance phase of our relationship probably starts from today. Or maybe not. He was perhaps always my long distance love? At office I used to meet him once in a while and wished in my heart of hearts that even that didn't happen. He wished the same I guess. Our subconscious always knew the effect we have on each other. Better not to make it prominent.

It all seems like a dream now. The entire evolving of our friendship. The mails. The picnic. The Australia trip getting canceled on April 8th. My long meeting with the joint faculty coordinator on 10th April. He consenting to air tickets for the entire team. The Delhi trip was scheduled for 11th May. I secretly got adjacent seats for us. That was my only wish. That I'd spend 2 hours sitting beside him. I'd live my life in those two hours. I never hoped for more. Not that I didn't dream - I'm a Sagittarian after all. Before I told him about the Simla trip that we had planned along with the Delhi trip, I did dream a little that we'd travel together and chat a bit. But then when I told him he said he wouldn't come. He had planned a Benaras trip for himself - for soul searching. I didn't mind. Life has taught me to be practical. Those two hours in the plane kept me going. And a selfie may be? Of just the two of us? When I had cropped our picture from the group photo taken at a colleague's marriage, I had silently prayed to God to at least get me one selfie where I wouldn't be with anybody but him. I could never forget that the images I cropped so lovingly from that marriage album, thinking that he stood beside me on purpose, was but an accident. He didn't choose to stand beside me, it just happened. I had been stupid to dream and interpret his inclination towards me. He was focused on someone else. I just wanted God to let him be with me - only me, for a bit. And a picture would perpetuate the moment...

The mind meanders. It's difficult to make it walk on a single track. Not that there was no difficulty. When I told him we'd get seats together, he gladly agreed. But the next day he pinged me on Whatsapp. His ego was at play. He couldn't understand how he asked me to buy his seat beside me. I remember that tensed discussion. He nudging me a bit to look inside my mind and sort out the complications. I, only focusing on my cherished 2 hours. I can't let it go at any cost. The chat went on to become so severe that we both decided not to chat again on Whatsapp. To think how you have to eat your words at times...

The month went by rapidly - in equal quantities of apprehensions, excitement of waiting for something good to happen and the hectic work schedule. And then came 10th May and his numbing outburst. It took away everything. Everything. All my dreams. Not that there were many. I very well knew the impossible situation of my love story. I never demanded much and was grateful for whatever little came my way. And oh how I love that man...I have never known love so strongly.

11th May was a morning when I woke up with tears in my eyes. I have gone asleep crying but I don't remember another day in my life when I had woken up crying. I'm not that good a writer that I can explain or express the pain in words. My dream of spending two hours with the person I love dearly and hungrily, had completely lost it's purpose.

But there's always this little girl inside me who seeks fun despite everything. The girl wouldn't give up. I remember buying a bangle. A multicolored bangle to go with my pink dress. On my way back from office. Came back. Got ready. Wore blue. His favorite color. I was supposed to pick up him and another friend in my car after his exams. He had written to me in the morning that he'd give me a call. But as expected, his friend called. He was and still is very skeptical about calling me. We reached the meeting point and his friend took the front seat. He came and sat beside me. I don't know if the hormones or pheromones started their play at that precise moment. As a girl I felt it nice that my legs were touching his jeans. Also I quite enjoyed the way he and my dad were getting along well.

18-August-2017
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To begin with it was not pre-planned that I'll write on this date. But coincidence or whatever, since this has happened, let me also try and finish this never-ending anecdote. I want my blog to live again. I need it to vent out again about life's atrocities and revel in the number of countries I've reached out to. And hence obviously I can't write everything I wanted to write. But yes the miracle happened, gradually and lustfully. There was only care, understanding and happiness in the coveted two hours of togetherness in the flight. Actually my luck was extended a bit when the flight kept circling above the airport for almost an hour more for some weather or operational reason. The winning streak continued when he sat beside me in the car on our way to the hotel. And after we were done with the check in formalities, the first strike of lust happened when he was heading towards his room in the 2nd floor whereas I went in my ground floor room. For the first time we were sleeping literally in the same building...and we were getting separated after spending the whole evening together. Even my long time wish of getting a photo of just the two of us had been fulfilled by him. We had taken so many selfies that he later made an animation out of those and shared with me. But the fatigue overcame the lust. And so far as I was concerned I ignored the lust because it was never important. Not then at least.

31-August-2017
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The other day I was frustrated because I was entering a password and the site was giving me an error repeatedly. It was based on our first date and I couldn't believe that I have forgotten it already... Have we entered the regular phase of our relationship, where nothing causes much excitement anymore? I can't comment on that. But the other day he said something which filled me with a peaceful serenity...that he'd give me a gift with the first salary he'd get from the new company he's joined. 

4-November-2017

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I couldn't finish my love story. I couldn't write about the warm moments and the darkest episodes. I just set it free today. If it has to happen it will happen... 

PS - I need my blog back in these difficult times. This uncertainty is killing me...I need to vent out. I need to be comforted that someone out there is listening. Otherwise I might not be able to sustain this period. I know good times will come soon. Even if it never comes, let this piece of my thoughts go on even after I cease to be...

A prayer

Dear God, I am facing death and I don't want to die yet. I am not at fault here. You have given me blow after blow and I've tried to stay afloat. You gave every kind of happiness to people who wronged me and every kind of sorrow to me. I did not complain. I just concentrated on staying alive. Today you made me hear from my most beloved person that he doesn't love me. I still remained steady. Now you are taking away my job too. The mask under which I was trying to be socially acceptable. How much do you think I can tolerate? I am going to kill myself if you don't stop your atrocities now. And nobody but you will be responsible. Don't be so one sided. Give me some happiness in life otherwise why did you create me?

Sleeping alone...

D'bhai, this is the last time I am going to write something that I've been trying to tell you for ages. I even wrote it in bits and pieces in a very cryptic language and then later forgot to save it even, let alone post it. I blamed him for this - I tell you everything these days and so my blog has lost its importance.

I think a lot of things. How will it feel like when I have to again start living without his presence in my life. With only these worries, to do lists, movies, books, songs, and...memories...only memories...

Last night, after reading his mail, I didn't feel like replying. I just wanted to dwell on it and enjoy the residual happiness. He smiling at my strange ideas of unrequited motherhood - the dearest of my secrets. 

I heated the food, served dinner, washed the utensils and continued with my nighttime beauty routine, all the time, going on thinking about him, us, and our dreams and dilemmas; I didn't commit a lot of mistakes in my regular chores, albeit I put on my day cream instead of night cream. A very small thing right? I just looked well made up in the middle of the night. But I was plump, old and definitely not a lovelorn teenager, what I feel like these days. 

And not a teenager who can be loved by him. Who can expect him to fall in love with her. So much nearness, so much sharing, such understanding - maintaining secrets together. This creates a bond right? What is the definition of that bond?

I don't know D'bhai. All I know is that I can't sleep alone and I have to sleep alone. I can't dare sleep with anybody else because I'm afraid that I'd mumble his name in my sleep. I fall asleep with his thoughts and wake up to them. While I sleep I belong all the more to him. I tell myself all the time to feel detached but God knows how crazy I am for him. I think unthought of things about us, things I've never ever felt for any other man.

But I'm grown up now right? If not now then when? I'm grown up and matured. So I know I can't do anything about this. My hands are tied. I have to take all my love, longing, lust and faith to my grave. Sorry, funeral pyre.

My music man...

Being naughty has become a way of my life ever since you came in my life. I have never ever been naughty in my life. Andyman toh was boring - I always did everything he asked me to do, almost always against my wish (from cooking to movie watching and you know what all) - bossie was the "good" guy, and I was also ideal with him - not only that he was ideal, but ya he bossed too. Who else have I been in love with? Ohhh the one who married the long toothed girl. Well he was (IS) crap personified - and no I haven't been naughty with him either.

This apparently innocent sad person makes me go wild. Raving wild. I can do anything for him. I do madness, he does madness and we don't stop each other. If we're not in love thank God we're not. The world couldn't handle so much madness. And if we are in love then God help the world around us. For I guess we wouldn't care much for its well being.

রবিঠাকুর would wake up some day and find me dancing with DJ waale babu. He'd be like - girl you learn to sing my songs right? I'd be like - yeah sir but you see I also love a dude who's in a love/hate relationship with Badshah...

For an eternity...

It somehow broke my heart D'bhai. Yes this is an ethereal feeling. To be loved, respected, appreciated, indulged, and not be judged. But it's heart breaking to realize that that will be all. I am never gonna get more than that. And it kills me to know and realize every moment just how much I love this person with my entire body and soul. And in the same breath I realize that there's gonna be no culmination.

I don't know what's there to write about it. I don't even have the strength of mind to alienate myself from him. From my comfort zone. From my dreams - stupid never say die dreams of a life fruitful in some way. He's the nicest person I have met till date. Given a chance I'd never let go of him.

But then life's never a fairy tale. At least not mine. So "hindrances" happen. Or rather reality strikes. Some day when I meet God I shall ask Him why He didn't make anyone for me, and yet made me the type that yearns for love...