Uncertainty...

For two days now, all I am doing is to think...think and think...I keep on thinking...can't stop...but the thoughts are so so disorganized that let alone putting them in words, I can't understand them too well myself...
I tried to write in the morning...failed miserably...I am trying to write now...every now and then my mind will divert, wrote mail to Boo...wrote mail to bhai...now planning to cook boneless chicken with mayonnaise sauce, I will do everything but I won't write...
...Well...planned to cook gravy and eat it with rice, but then ended up making risotto...it turned out to be delicious...(disclaimer: I am a big fan of my cooking, partiality is not ruled out).
See the matter can be stated in 1 line also...the topic of my thought process is...what happens to me in the future. Now starts the fun. Life is so unsure at the moment, that I don't know how to progress on this thought. What happens if I stay on in Prague, remote though the possibility is. Well, if I accept it...this is the best possible life. I work, I earn, I cook, I eat, I sleep. Since I have to go out everyday, at least every week day, I try to keep myself well groomed and presentable. I don't turn into a vegetable. I am with myself, and reasonably happy.
Yes this seems a good option till the time I don't yearn for company. How long can I continue to cook and eat all by myself? I jokingly tell myself, good na? Your family members won't complain about your cooking. But at times you crave for this complain only.
I go back to India...then? What happens to me? Do I continue with the same job? Do I have a job at all? Would I be able to complete 9 years of work experience, let alone 10? Even most insignificant achievements elude me...and I have learnt it the hard way...
So what happens to me? Do I continue to stay in Bangalore, or finally get a chance to stay in Kolkata. How will life be in Kolkata? Will I be able to cope up? Do I go to some new city, try to find a life there? Will the fear and uncertainty go then?
You will wonder, why I am not speaking about love and marriage. Love, what love? How long will it stay? Has it ever stayed? And marriage is not on the cards. I don't know, I don't know....if I'd just bend down a little I'd have it all, but I want it my way...and that will never happen. As I said, the thought process never ends...just makes me more and more tired....

Life in the past three weeks...

Prague was warm and sunny when I arrived. It is still sunny once in a while, but not warm anymore...I am afraid. In fact I am quite getting used to the cold spot, that the tip of my capsicum nose always is. Point here is, I have absolutely no idea how a nose can be compared with a capsicum, but Boo said so...
"The pic is good, but the nose is as big as capsicum. ha ha"

My nose has long been one of my biggest woes. It is flat and round and as ugly as it can be. There is this famous story in the family, of my father's elder brother seeing me first time and exclaiming aloud...Oh my God, for her nose only you guys have to spend 2 lakh rupees. Now don't ask me if he meant dowry or plastic surgery :) Well 2 lakhs in 1979 would be what, 10 lakhs now I guess - minimum. You can understand just how much of a headache my nose is. Now point here is...how can nose be a headache? Shouldn't it simply be a nose ache?

After a long time I feel like writing. Was too much boggled down by circumstances. Couldn't find anything that could cheer me up. The first 3 weeks in Prague, which again is kind of my most favorite place on earth, went such a futile waste. I don't know exactly what triggered it off. May be the long stay at home, may be the long absence from office, may be the sudden change in workload, may be the sudden shift in work perspective, and who knows, may be my relationship dilemma also. Perhaps everything contributed their shares, and I was too weak to cope up. But now I feel better. So much so that...today I had literally made up my mind to get up in the morning and go for a walk. A walk or a tram ride, visit the places I like, sip some hot chocolate, do some small shopping...I had promised to myself that I won't be pensive, and I won't be at home. Well, as it is, I am not pensive, but a coughing bout in the morning, made me stay at home. It was the worst coughing bout I have ever had...usual morning coffee I was having, and had roasted few almonds to go with it. I don't know, perhaps I choked on something, but it was as if...my life would come out of my throat. I again wondered, how helpless a lonely life can be. Had I actually stopped breathing, there would be no one who would have even known.

As you can see, I am not destined to die so early. I'm fine now, just totally exhausted. So thought of relaxing at home itself. How best to relax than with my blog. So with the music on in the background, I feel I should write a synopsis of what's been on all this while...

Well...I don't really know...how to begin...I get particularly distracted by this song...mora piya mohse bolat nahi...particularly by the lines -

humri ek muskan pe woh to apni jaan lutata ttha...
Jag bisrake...atho paheriya...morey hi gun gatattha...

During this tough time....I felt his presence all the more...when I had almost made up my mind...this is it, I am resigning from work today...as I walked towards office, he walked with me...held my hand and said...my girlie's never wrong...and his soft brown eyes lit up my world :)

Will he ever go away from my life? I guess not. He is the only man who has given me selfless love. He never took anything from me, nothing. He just gave...pure unconditional love and care...wherever he is...however much distant he is....he is my darling...my bossie...my human-God :)

One particularly tough night, I wrote to Karthik also, "Tarun used to say...They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel. And then Tarun used to say...well timed silence is more eloquent than speech. And Tarun used to say...when was the last time, you did something for the first time....I feel it is best....I remain with a make believe character like my bossie...who never hurts me...now that he's gone forever..."

I don't know...it was like...he was forcing himself back in my life. He was urging me with his typical crooked smile...baalike...forget all crap dreams, of having a future and settling down in life. Be happy with me, my memories, your time machine...way you always were...way you had promised to yourself you'd be...when you lost everything. Why screw your life with these expectations...he shouted aloud, kept repeating in my mind...expectation rakkho hi mat...rakkho hi mat...rakkho hi mat...jaise mere se nahi rakkhi...kisi se bhi mat rakkho...khush rahogi...

I don't know where from I get the strength to fight my battles. Not from myself I am sure. Karthik helps, my family helps, Tarun inspires. And I live on :)

Office work was getting particularly bugging. It is a developer's work...anyone with less than half my experience can manage to do it...only reason I am motivated to do it is the business and management factor. Suddenly they took a decision that I need to report in to a lady who is having same amount of experience as me, and not from my domain and technology. Her only qualification being, she has spent all her life in the organization. So she was deemed senior to me and I was expected to update her on the status of my assigned activities, and let myself be tracked by her...yeah you got it absolutely right, WTF came to my mind as well :D...so I vehemently protested. So much so, that the entire project management work has totally gone for a toss now, but that is not my problem. I am doing my work and sticking to my preferences...this is what I can do, and this is what I won't do...

Second trouble was Boo the idiot. This was one pain that drained me...absolutely killed me...he is such an idiot. After our short stint of work together, it was tough in itself to stay away from him. But as life would have it, he traveled home and in another week, so did I. Then he traveled onsite, and in three more weeks, so did I. A week after reaching Prague, and settling down, I kind of broke down...it felt as if, I just need him, nothing else will work out. Don't mistake me, I did come here with a mind to relieve me of my growing dependency on him. That's why I didn't stop the extension of work permit, or anything else that will take life towards an extended solitary stay here. For life in Bangalore is doubtful, to say the least. What do I do going back there? See him get married? His parents have shifted there, and well...I can't even storm into his house when I really need him...at least not without losing my senses completely. And I know him, he is a perfect clone of Shehzada Salim....he'd watch me die at the hands of his parents, than even admit something as scandalizing as the fact that we are in a supposed relationship. And now that relationships at office also have soured much, Bangalore does seem to be a dreadful place. I was torn, to say the least. I just wanted to feel loved, I just wanted some reassurance, that I was not entirely worthless and uncraved for. I just asked him...Boo, can you tell "I love you" once to me? Oh God, now when I think back, I curse myself for ever asking that. I wanted to comfort myself, got into a worse fix. Shehzada Salim remembered his old life...probably, don't know what the hell happened...he got hell bent that he won't say it. And it was like...poking a searing hot knife in my heart...I just couldn't bear the pain. 7 days, you won't believe, 7 days went in me coaxing him, to say it just once. 7th May I had asked, he said it on 13th May. And weren't they the most agonizing 7 days of my life. I was totally traumatized. I don't know why, it went to the extent that, either he says it or I don't live anymore. I lost my appetite, I lost my concentration at work, I lost all reasons to live. You won't believe how I was tortured by him all this time, and I too tortured him back in return. But finally - it was I who won.

Doesn't really matter much now. I am at peace with myself. He cares for me, loves me, is inquisitive about me, worries about me, or even remembers me, doesn't seem to matter much. Miss him once in a while, but I am back to my lonely routine. And having written today, I feel I have got back my greatest stress buster, my writing skills. I don't know what happened in the in between period, I was so numb with pain, I couldn't even express myself...I tried so many nights, to scribble something in the blog, was at a total loss for words...

Pursuit of sorrow...

That is what life has become all about...whatever measures I'll try to take...all would go in vain. The sorrow would creep in from somewhere. I am now clueless. I don't know what to do. I can't write...I don't know how to express myself. In all this time...when I have been tried and tested and turned down by life time and again, I never felt so helpless. This time...I do. I simply don't know how to survive. 

Back to square one...

I feel lonely. Amidst my usual existence, small problems in life...I don't feel his presence anymore. I don't feel I have that friend whom I can count on. He seems to be too much preoccupied, too much reluctant to care for me. I am not upset though. I am not afraid of my solitary existence. I still cook amazing chicken. Cooking, eating, washing clothes and cleaning utensils take up a big chunk of my time. I have brought along a couple of interesting novels...reading then is good past time too. Besides I have work. Work, about which I don't feel all that confident though, but you have to keep trying. Rabi Thakur bole gachhen...du bela morar aage morbo na bhai morbo na...ami bhoy korbo na...so I keep trying. I don't fear the worst. In fact, tell me, what can be worst in a life full of negative things. Anyways I don't have a future. Anyways, today, I don't know if I shall live 2 more months, let alone another year. So what is the big deal?
I know I have become a little fake. My smile looks fake...my intentions look fake. I am not as serious about work as I used to be. Only reason is...I very well know how much I am eroded from within. I can't just yet show it to the world. So I have to resort to this falsehood. And me being the perfect Sagittarian...though the internal pain is camouflaged, that I am acting becomes obvious. People see more hidden intention behind the act. When is the end of this journey I don't know. Neither do I care. I know what is in store for me. A big NOTHING. So I am not worried.
Eyebrows are always a problem in Europe. I never shaped my eyebrows before 2009 November. They naturally had good shape. Problem is...now that I have done, and since I have this Poirot like habit of things being prim and proper, I start fretting as soon as stay hairs would threat my eyebrow shape. And I don't know a place where they'd thread here. Waxing or tweezers, none seem a good enough option. My poor eyebrows, I hate to look at my face. Most of the negativity you read in the first two paragraphs, rose from the eyebrows. I wish I had some homemade solution.
From day after tomorrow the new workshops start.  I am irritated to say the least. I am not well prepared. I am scared. I feel lonely. Back to square one :)

Finally April came...and went away...

How do I tell what I am going through? Neither do I know why all these things are happening at the same time. I just hope amidst this chaos, at least I am able to finish my work respectively.
Even with my so called excellent writing skills, it would be difficult to describe just what happened. And would it be correct to write about it? I don't know.
I guess it is best to put it bluntly. A guy was seated beside me during my flight to Dubai. A Bengali guy. We started talking, identified common thoughts and the conversation went deeper. I was in no particular mood. I love talking and I just talked. I never wanted to trigger what happened next. The guy suddenly blurted out that he is attracted towards me. He said he likes my eyes. His behavior kind of reminded me of Boo in October. He looked desperate. He was blinded with emotion and passion. And I wondered, can anyone like me? What do I have, no beauty, no brain. He wanted to hold my hand. When I said no, he defied me and held my hand. I had to stop him, telling about my commitments. Commitments to a person, who might never do anything for me. To cut a long story short, we shook hands and parted ways in the airport. He did say he will write to me, add me in facebook etc, but two days have gone by and he's done nothing of that sort. So I guess he was not serious and it was all a practical joke. But still, there was something quaint about the joke. What if all your dreams come true at the same moment? If not your dreams but your parents' and relatives' and friends' dreams about you...a guy from my state, educated and well to do, just the right age, good looking and smart, and over that supposedly crazy about me. I kind of felt, God gave me this one chance and I have forsaken it. I have lost it forever. In one moment, everything flashed in front of my eyes, my entire lost life. My baby, or babies, my family, loving in laws, happy parents, frequent outings, a dainty house with a car in front...everything that I will probably never be able to achieve...trust me, it was a biggest pain I went through in the last couple of days.
But now I don't feel bad anymore. My life is supposed to be like this only. Whimsical, aimless, blank. I guess time has neared when Boo will also leave me and move on with life. There are reasons why I feel this or tell this. God had given me a chance to know him. To support him. To bring him back to reality. To give him confidence. I guess I am done with my duties. So it is time to go. I am prepared for everything. Even if I am not prepared, I shall endure. If I am not able to endure, I shall become crazy or die. Doesn't matter. My life is not important. After what I have done, I don't deserve a life. Period.
And ya...today's entry reflects my exact state of mind. I know it is not right to even think about all these. But then what do you do when you are in a relationship with a person, who is hell bent on not reciprocating? With whom you can't dream of a future together. I still love him the most on earth, but...ya I went through these thoughts and cravings. I just stated it here...treat this as my confession.