I love to write, and thank God for that. If this vent had not been there, I don't know in what way I'd have succumbed.
I literally feel like doing what I plan to do tomorrow. Roam around aimlessly. Because I don't know what else to do.
Just a couple of days back I was writing about stability. And tonight, alone in a room, half hungry, half dazed, I question myself, what is stability? I remember an O Henry story, name I have forgotten, a girl...was very hungry, on the verge of death, when a guy mistakenly knocks at her flat. I have waited all my life for that kind of romance. But, at length, an apt description of myself would be - I'm but a kid.
It's not that men don't face this. There are men who depend on women, who dread her loss. Not my men, or at least, they don't feel this particular emotion for me.
World doesn't work the way I want. What happened so far, I had imagined, but I was never convinced that this would happen. But, still it did. Now I'm convinced that this would go no further. So things get complicated.
I'm one terribly impatient person. That adds to the problem. I demand things I don't have any means to achieve. All of a sudden, I'd demand friends, I'd demand I talk with someone whole night, I party, I go for long bike rides. How the hell do I make this possible? And worse thing, I demand change from people who won't change. Who don't like to change.
I feel it in my veins that the end is pretty near. Ok, I have fought for the last two years, and outwardly survived pretty successfully. This year would be difficult. And I need him for a little while more. Way I need my inhaler at times these days. I know this is madness, but I want to give in. I really must praise my friend for saying the most apt thing on earth - whichever guy she chooses hands her his marriage card. This time, I'd cling on to the guy even till the eve of his marriage. After that - we'll think.
Perhaps this is going to be my last visit to my hometown. I can't handle the whims of my parents anymore. They are too narrow minded. I wonder why I didn't see this before. It's ok. Someday or the other, I had to start living alone, like an island. I'm glad it has come at last.
Why the hell did I decide to come home for my birthday? I can very well foresee what kind of birthday I'd be having. Had I been in Bangalore, I'm sure it wouldn't have been worse. I'll certainly finish off the beer. That's one thing I'll do on my birthday. Cheers to life :)
When was it that I first said my golden words? Don't remember exactly, must be sometime in school. Why does 20th December come at all? Why isn't 19th followed by 21st? Funny thing is, nothing has changed in 20 odd years. The question still lingers. Why was I born?
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