Crest and trough, crest and trough...

I hate those smiley smiley pics. I feel like kicking him out of my friend list in Facebook. I absolutely hate the fake poses and plaster smiles. And then, having read Blink, I wonder, what if they are not fake but true. What if these incessant trips to Nandi hill et all are actually enjoyed by him? What if he is blissfully happy and at peace with himself.

I don't bother much - let him be in whatever spirits he has landed himself in - high, low, medium, monotonous, whatever. I concentrate on reviving my spirits. I listen to couple of Aashiqui 2 songs, and then Pherari Mon from Antaheen. It instantly makes me happy. You know, life becomes heavy if you attach undue importance to insignificant people - don't let them weigh you down.

I was feeling tired, exhausted and feverish - this one song made me feel so fresh and contented. You know what, someday, I will marry some Bengali guy - who'll understand me and love me a lot.

Untitled thoughts - more

Get me some songs dude, my throat is going dry...

When do songs start acting like water? It is true that I am usually in a habit of drinking a lot of water, and I am not having enough water these days, mainly due to my preoccupation about - what's next? 4-5 glasses of water per day, that's all I get to drink. At times, in the morning, I get some meager breakfast in form of a chocolate slab or a sweet or two, at times I don't. I am half afraid of getting out of the flat and facing the same bitter world, the same whimsical autowallahs, the everyday saga of reaching office late, of trying to get myself engrossed in something, trying to survive, just helplessly trying my best to survive, and once in while breaking down all within myself, with absolutely no external sign of this not only wounded but almost destroyed heart anywhere. Lunch comes in a dabba these days. Some boring chapathis, a bowl of thin daal, some tasteless sabji, some stale salad. I eat up without complaining. Wait for the rest of the day to pass on, just keep pushing myself, to endure and endure more. Keep checking the clock, the calendar - telling myself that the torture would soon end. The torture is something I have taken up knowingly, so I shouldn't complain about this. Evening comes, I go to the overcrowded bus stop, and get into an overcrowded bus. If I am lucky I still happen to get a seat, and if I sit comfortably, and I am beyond letting things weigh more on my mind, I feel like listening to my ipod once in a blue moon. I readily skip all the sad songs and the love songs. No...not for me...I am someone who is beyond experiencing feelings. I don't feel anything other than restlessness these days. But ya, when I have to stand in the bus and be pushed and shoved around, I  do maintain some patience. That's it, end of the day, get myself some food, walk back home...and keep wondering, would I really be having this life for another 40-60 years? Once in a while it simply gets worse, I shout at mom, or bhai. Those days I am depressed beyond tolerance. I know I am not the only one...there are people suffering all over the world to the same extent or even more, but that somehow ceases to mean anything.

Then what was it that made me ask for songs in the middle of the night? I don't listen to songs these days. Anyways, I relented to my cravings way I usually do. I put on a track from Lootera again - Mann Marziyan. A beautiful track...which I put on repeat and heard a couple of times. Then I switched off the light and still stubbornly kept sitting up on the bed. No, I won't sleep - tears kept rolling down my cheeks. Why was I being so extremely sad? Because some person had treated me badly during an interview? To think clearly, he didn't really want to treat me badly, somewhere, during the discussion he really did get a glimpse of my vulnerability and extreme urge to prove my worth. The way he chose to deal with that did not fit the context and that's it. Then what else is the reason? The insensitivity of my ex PM? Oh what's new about that, a colleague had told me long back that he is like that only, can talk a lot but won't come to any use when required. The situation in office fails to disturb me anymore. I do my work and come back. Once in a while I miss that little boy who'd give me so much peace and happiness, but if getting estranged from him is the price I need to pay to keep intact my own self esteem, I am ok with that. Anyways, as mom tells me, he is not my own son. The future has its own uncertainties, but if I look at the present, way I am living in every fraction of a second and just pushing it to move on, to get over, I guess even such an uncertain future will be a welcome respite.

Then what on earth is it? Is he still so important to me, that his going away hurts? How is his going away from me any different from my going away from him. When we are not a couple anymore, perhaps never were, how does physical separation matter? Have not touched him in ages, haven't spoken to him since February I guess, how does the news that he got a new job cause any impact? Have I ever treated him as a competitor that the fact that even he is capable of getting a job and I am not, or may be the fact that he would be earning more that me now, all these things are making me jealous and upset? And then I close my eyes and ask myself intently, what exactly do you want? And all my love surges forward, and with closed eyes I picture myself embracing him tightly, and crying and asking - Boo, did you never love me, do you never miss me, do you really never regret what you have done? I know his shell won't be broken by my tears, but because of the sole fact that I have loved this man from the bottom of my heart, I feel at times what he actually feels.

Doesn't matter, because it is anyways such a make believe world, and anyways I cry myself to sleep almost every night. One night of stubbornness about going on crying and not sleeping doesn't matter, one life of stubbornness of going on loving and hoping and destroying myself also doesn't matter. There was this stupid post on Facebook saying - don't worry when God pushes you to the limits of your difficulties, either He will catch you when you fall, or He will teach you how to fly. I chuckled and thought, what if God just lets me fall and does not even attempt to catch me?

I don't trust in Him anymore. Still I don't give up on life. After that particularly painful interview, I thought I will give it a break. I planned to jot down all the different interviews where I have failed, engineering colleges, schools, corporate houses - everywhere. Frankly my failures far outnumber my success rate. And if you hear about the brands which have rejected me, you'd never think of on boarding me ever. But then I have worked for the best brand in India, I am from the best school in Kolkata and the best university in West Bengal. And my dad says, I can break but I won't crack up (আমি ভাঙবো তবু মচকাবো না ) - so it took me just two days to recover and last night I was writing applications till 1:30 in the night. Let's see...

Interview pangs - 2

I don't like taking up interviews because I don't like failing in interviews. Failing would be still good, what I absolutely hate is "oh you are so passionate and talented but your skills don't fit our requirement". Had I been a novice it'd have been different, but then at this stage of my career, the intent of this message is so clearly taunting, that it hurts.

I realize all the more how totally it depends on luck that you crack a job interview. Getting a call only is so difficult. Over that, having a 1 hour long interview and then getting to hear that I am not the right fit for this current requirement (how the hell does my potential - that you took an hour to evaluate, matters?) - and I should get back in some time keeps disturbing me. It looks nothing more than a consolation prize. I so need a job...if only to prove to the so called proud people that I am also worth something. Why don't the right circumstances come up?

Untitled thoughts again...

I try to look away from this space, I try not to vent out my frustrations here, but what to do when it hurts real bad? I don't do anything on impulse. I am a very well planned person. Behind my decision of staying back till 30th September in this loathsome, hurtful, torturous place, were very clear cut reasons. Which probably no one will be able to understand if they can't appreciate my obsession with truth.

What do you call a career? My definition is very simple. A career is when you earn against your work. You work and you receive a compensation. So, what was the main motive in life? I won't rest before I have completed 10 years of career. Agreed that 10 years get over this July 31st. But then, In between jobs I have lost some 24 days (I can even count them out - 5 days between 1st and 2nd job, 16 days between 2nd and 3rd, 2 days between 3rd and 4th and 1 day of LOP in my 3rd job). Besides, in my 2nd job, due to insufficient notice period, they had withheld the last month's salary, so another 31 days (it was December 2004) should be added. So basically around 1 month 24 days later than 31st July would I be eligible to celebrate my 10 years of career, if I am honest to myself. Hence, keeping a buffer of another week, the decision of 30th September as the last date.

Uff, had I known what I am forcing myself to go through when I took that decision. I absolutely hate this place. People are such major hypocrites here. Frankly speaking they are soulless, emotionless, empathy-less robotic beings who know only one thing in life - how to take advantage of others. I am not a loser, I can't walk back on my commitment, but then I am not a very compromising person either. I am struggling, I am badly struggling. I am barely able to calm myself down telling that before I leave this place, I will give everyone a piece of my mind, and would do a major unmasking of the corruption and selfishness and dictatorship involved. But then how do you bring up anything about Duryodhan before Dhritarashtra? He's a blind father right?

I look at the calendar and keep counting days. Does it really matter if I don't complete full 10 years as per the elaborate criteria explained above? Can't I buy some peace for myself before that itself?

The truth and lie about feelings...

Don't know whether this is the influence of Lootera or Blink. Sandwiched between unrequited love and snap judgement, I embraced today way I do - with an open mind and without expectations. The only thing was eyes dripping with sleep - which no amount of coffee could wipe away, owing to the thoughtful and sleepless night I spent yesterday. And then morning was apprehensive, like a clouded, enshrouded day. Frankly speaking, known threats kill all the more. I am so so scared of the face-offs that might take away my normal life - and I know this will continue for the next three months.

But then, when Meenu left for vacation for a week, there was such a void. What is temporary and what is perpetual? Today was another colleague's last day too. And I found myself wondering about such strange things, what would I say in my last day speech? What would Boo do, if we call him in for the last day cake cutting? Would I be thrashing him verbally, if he turns up?

As I was returning home...I found myself wondering, why Cucu is not eating properly. Is this worry and care snap judgement, or the other one, when I got kinda blind with hatred and exasperation? What is human nature after all? Just how fluctuating is it? I don't know...I give up. I know that the days will get over, someway or the other.

So his long-toothed wifey has published some photos in FB - where he wears a T shirt that says, "I'm a nice guy", in large fonts, (which got me unnecessarily angry and I felt like shouting on to him - What A Joke!!!) and then I read in much smaller ones, "I just do bad things" - and ended up saying (meekly this time) - whatever...

Well however much the photo tortures me - what tortures me more are his fake smiles. Why does he need to bring out that falseness in him so bluntly, I don't know. And I helplessly keep listening to this amazing composition from Lootera, দিশাহারা...কেমন বোকা মনটা রে!

Why on earth is my love so all encompassing, that hatred just cannot grow roots???

The first steps or the first handshake with corruption?

I am turning so so whimsical over the days, that at times I literally need to beg to myself. Please please please let's watch Lootera this weekend, every review I read of it tells me that this is a film I'm definitely going to like...I tell myself. But then...the whims. At night she won't sleep and then in the morning she won't wake up. And she won't stop herself from doing anything she fancies, good, bad or evil (by the way she doesn't fancy much the later two). So definitely my film watching is at stake. Last weekend I planned for Ranjhanaa and that went for a toss (the sleeping beauty won) - same fate probably this weekend too. I kept thinking about this and then finally decided to buy the tickets online - all set to go tomorrow afternoon.

So my letting out the venom in the last entry helped. I slept peacefully. So would like to tell you another story tonight.

Interviews are very important things in my opinion. At least the first interviews are. That is when you make your mark...you step into a new world of competition and making the most of your talents, and you learn to take on challenges and earn your career. So cut shot into the interview process of this crappy organization I belong to. First thing that took me by storm is, here, anybody can interview. It requires no maturity in the role. Then, a person of any experience can interview someone senior to them by any extent, e..g 7 years experienced guy interviewing 11 years experienced guy...I have 10 years experience, I have interviewed (don't laugh) banking professionals (I am not from a banking background and know bare minimum banking that my functional domain demands, which, going by the standards of this company, seems a lot) - having a whopping 16 years experience, and rejected them in terms of technical inabilities (yes they are supposed to know technology as well). People here expect everyone to know everything, else it becomes a big joke. See, in my opinion, a statistics and business intelligence person might not know about batch processing, might not be familiar with the terminology....but no one stops to think about that...the joke is spread far and wide. Ok, so much for the lateral interviews. Now coming to the freshers, I once went to an engineering college and finally selected 1 kid out of a 100 odd who appeared for the selection procedure. And the HR guy turned him down saying he didn't have the right attitude. I didn't find a flaw in him, except that he was strong headed like me. I fought a little bit, but the HR guy was senior to me (here seniority is never in terms of total experience, but the experience in the company) - he joined a couple of years earlier than me, so his verdict held. This was probably in the month of February. Recently there was this colleague who came up with a request to interview his sister. I agreed, interviewed and rejected the girl. Her basics were not clear. Then I came to know that as per the custom of this company, near relatives of employees are taken in without interview. And my decision was overridden and the girl was on boarded. The entire process was so murky and loathsome that I don't have words to describe. Even before I took the interview, the colleague called me up a couple of times and asked me what questions I'd be asking. I refused and said diplomatically that she should know her basics properly. After I rejected her, I got to know the girl has been rejected in 2 other previous interviews in our company and she couldn't clear the fresher aptitude exam even. After that things became even more hilarious when the colleague was going on a personal trip to Bombay and asked me if I need anything from there - which according to me was a very subtle way of bribing. After all this the girl was called for a face to face interview, rejected in the first round, and then cleared in the second round by my great friend - who thinks this is only fair because her husband was on boarded the same way - she gave me couple of other examples too, of such personal connections. Wonderful, I said to myself. And then, she went on to say on a lighter note that presence of a beautiful girl in the office will lead to the guys doing more work. I again sighed to myself and thought, from the girl's brother using coercion and bribery as techniques to get his sister a job, how else can this come to a full cycle except the girl getting appointed to entertain her male colleagues with her appeal. I couldn't help but chuckle at the irony.

I still feel so proud of the ways in which I have cleared my interviews. The first interview, the next one, and the first step into corporate, when the HR guy (who happened to be a senior from my university) amply praised me as a dynamic young lady. I swell so much with pride, it is something I have achieved...nobody on earth paved my way or helped me in any way, and till date I have never bent down before anyone and never ever begged. The feel good factor apart...this is the throttle that creates the first bit of confidence...which gives you the courage to tread in yet unseen territories.

So, if during these first steps, you know that you can give wrong answers, get rejected time and again, and still make it to the same company, what will be the work standard for that person? And what mistake did that kid do, except having a feisty attitude, that he was rejected? Once again reasons for suffocation. And you know what, I feel so so much better having put these things publicly. It is my protest, in my own small way - against malpractices and opportunism.

The long tiring week...

Oh it's been a long tiring week (you remember KANK? way the character of Preity Zinta used to come back home and complain, oh it's been a long tiring day :D)...

Last couple of weeks have been so so tiring...last weekend I did little more than sleeping like a log. But then, I sleep in the day time. Nights are for me to read, write and contemplate. So, even though I am like, almost dozing off, my fingers are furiously typing away...to shed off the weight (not literal but virtual - i.e. not on the body but on the mind) that I have gained in this time frame.

The state is, as the acronym suggests, Total Nonsense or Total Namuna. So, there was this girl, ok. She married a guy from a lower caste (most westerners might not even be familiar with the term caste). And the girl's dad committed suicide out of shame (or God knows what other sentiments). And then his (the dad's) caste mates (don't really know if this terminology exists - just rhymed with classmates) torched couple of lower caste villages and it became major news. This happened during Boo's engagement time I guess - as I quite remember muttering to myself, crazy lot, crazy lot...reading the newspapers. And then the girl, she gets haunted by the incidents and decides to return to her mother (though she says she didn't face any discomfort in her in law's place and nobody blamed her for the torching and all). To top it all, days after she leaves for home, the guy she married, gets murdered. Today as I walked back home, I was telling myself, thank God, He saved me from getting married into this place. And although I am sure my dad would never ever have taken his life on the question of my marriage, and would wholeheartedly accept any decision I take, I am not so sure about Boo's safety had he chosen to marry me. His crappy family would have surely killed him - thank God for saving my Boo's life. Now let him rot with "the girl who has long teeth". And I really pity his transformation. His dressing sense used to be excellent, what has happened to that...why does he wear shirts made of lungi material? Oh...I forgot once again, the state he comes from - it is but obvious to make such selections...

Ok so, time for next venomous attack. Disclaimer - don't be shocked, if I could talk about Boo the way I did, I can talk like this about anyone. But yes, I feel a tad bit sad - you know I really try to love people, just that people can't live up to my love.

So, she, doesn't have any idea how choked I get in her company. She chokes me with her whims, her insecurities and constant complaining nature. And what tremendous autocracy man...she has to have her way - people she feels are good have to be good, and people she feels bad have to be bad. Nobody can question that. But then I have become neutral about her personal life. This week, I decided I won't let myself be bothered by it, and quite enjoyed the zombie stand - I kept talking utter rubbish without caring a heck about what I am talking about - and was quite enjoying the camouflage, cause in my mind, I had stopped getting involved. She lost all my love and gratitude, because of her uncaring nature. A woman who is born to nourish and nurture the society just doesn't deserve to be so selfish. But then God is so so terribly one sided. She would keep demanding, and her demands would keep getting met. I ask humbly and I am turned down. She is so conceited that she happily, openly, in my very presence says I haven't suffered enough to understand her suffering (and she is the same person whom I have told about each and every of my suffering). So, she can look down upon anybody and everybody, but nobody should dare to take a similar stand with her. Problem with me is, I can't stand anything unfair. And given my sleuthing tendencies, and presence of mind, and accounting abilities, facts present themselves very easily to me. And fact remains that she is not at all good at her work - she has no planning and managerial abilities - still she is better appraised and at a better position than me - yes she is strong technically - or may be I just get impressed by the jargon she talks because I don't understand all of it...apart from that...I find her credibility to be a big big zero...and then where is the professionalism? Who comes to office to settle personal matters? Still, fact remains that she gets 33% or may be even a bit more than my salary (surprisingly - I knew this fact from few months, as she had let out her PF amount once and I had back calculated - but didn't want to believe it for a fact until I got confirmation yesterday from a chance remark made by her husband). Then, I hate the fact that she conveniently forgets money matters from which she stands to benefit...in my calculation if fair accounting was done, she needs to pay me around 7K INR (another 3.5K to come, if I actually give her the loan she's asked for), but then as I said, her convenience matters, my calculation doesn't. All these things choke me - and I wanna give up my career...all my life I have fought unfairness. It doesn't matter who's the victim...I have to and need to take my stand...oh why...oh why doesn't October come sooner. I used to be so fond of her thinking she is caring and kindhearted, but then...she cares only for people when she gets back the care in kind. Else she'll be the biggest bitch around. I DO NOT like such a person...I wish I could tell that at her face, so that she'd stop talking to me and I'd be freed of her friendship and can stop acting (I hate acting you know...but I'm so good at acting, like I'm good at everything else). Frankly speaking, I don't like the fact that being so so mean, she has everything in life, parents, kid, job, money and I have nothing. But thank God for making me the way I am. She keeps telling me to discuss things face to face...but when I try, she has never cared to listen or digest. She doesn't have the guts to do that. So, I have little option than to take out the truth openly...I being the non judgmental person I am trying to become, I do appreciate the goodness she has, but if one has to weigh, she's indeed more crappy than good, the way the world finds her to be. Funny thing is, you should learn to be in your own utopia from this lady, 90% of the worlds' opinion doesn't matter to her, she thinks she's someone great. She reads this or not doesn't matter, I know she's totally non receptive and won't change her ways.

Frankly speaking I don't care for friends. I am happy in my world - I am so happy learning new things - was delighted to have written and deployed my first servlet. I am sure I shall survive in this unfair world, I have the strength, but then....one wants some respite once in a while. Hail weekend, give me a break...I hate my office and the people there...

It rained!

On the contrary it didn't. It was quite a dry and boring day - in the morning I really really had to struggle to get an auto - got rejected around 30 times, and I rejected around 10 offers of meter + 20. Finally I had to agree to an offer of meter + 10 (which became meter + 11 - when I counted the change the guy finally returned - but really didn't have the heart to have a row on 1 Rupee). I don't wonder anymore, I am convinced that I don't live in a civilized society. Bangalore is not a civilized place. It is a place where arrogance rules supreme and there is total lack of humbleness. Either there are people traveling in their cars and two wheelers who simply don't respect traffic rules, or there are these wretched so called public transport waale who don't know the minimum decency that their profession demands, and let's not talk about the biggest crook of them all, the BMTC conductors, for whom the overcrowded buses are nothing but coin minting machines. I hate Bangalore, absolutely hate it for its total lack of civic sense and social courtesy. The Southies...in general I hate them...they boast of being so God fearing and all, and everyone is terribly pathetically corrupt - arre I don't worship God with flowers and arti and stuff, I don't pretend in the evening, and start my criminal activities as soon as I open my eyes in the morning - I guess I am much much better off than these dhongis. You feel I'm being one sided? Ask anyone if flower production is more in Bangalore or in Kolkata? Then how come garlands are sold at double price in Bangalore than in my place? Just another example: I have this Titan Raga watch which is jewel studded - I had fixed some lost jewels in Kolkata - the price they took to do the same in Bangalore is exactly 5 times. It is pathetic I tell you - I don't know how this city survives with so much of greed?

As usual I continue to be suffocated in this place. Well it was not as bad as I guessed, vestiges of our friendship do remain...so I had company for lunch and evening snacks. But then, I stuck to my idea, I am not going to step in their private affair...it was a day that went in exploring the usual IBM tools - I have really grown a liking towards this learning bit - it is fun working on tutorials and getting to do hands on coding. Yes I know I am bit too old for all these...but then...my concern is, I should be able to spend my time meaningfully in office. It should add some value in my life.

So...after the downpour of the day's frustration - it is finally time to talk to mom and cool down. My sweet mom, at times she'd say such wonderful things - she is nowadays this avid gardener, and her trees are laden with flowers it seems. She'd painstakingly pluck them, even the ones in the taller branches, for it seems, if she ignores any of them, they'd look at her sadly and plead - won't you let us get our place at the God's temple? And then she'd decorate our tiny place where she keeps her idols, with all the flowers, so that their small life is amply rewarded. My mom's thoughts take away all my depression, all in one tiny moment. God gives such extremely pure thinking very rarely to a human - perhaps my mom is one, perhaps this crazy friend of mine is another - may be that is why I can't look away from them given their 1000 tantrums.

So...why did it rain? When did I say it rained? It was just a cool breeze blowing in the night, as I returned home...and you know...you can't even call it a drizzle, it was kinda dew drops falling like rain...and I suddenly remembered that one furtive stealthy glance that came my way....and I felt a strange feeling of joy - so doubtful, so much full of questions...but happiness alright. For whatever reason it might be, he still needs to look at me?