The final succumbing...

Very rarely it happens that you happen to lose your composure entirely. I'm in such a state currently. I don't know what I am thinking, or talking, or doing. I am all set to hurt everyone, known and unknown to me, as if that can bring down my pain. As usual I feel a poisonous contempt towards my parents, mostly my father. Last time I behaved so badly with him was after that Mumbai incident. That time too, I blamed him for the course my life had taken. This time as well. It astonishes me to think that I am considering one of my greatest friends ever, to be equivalent to that wretched idiot from Mumbai. How much more can your selfishness take away from you?

I tried to be practical. I can now see what your inner subdued wishes can do to you. Having no way to take it forward, I discovered a way to decelerate my emotions. Kept telling myself, it all boils down to the figure 13.5, which is not going to work out. But is that all there is to love and well being? Our bonding and satisfaction? I found no answer.

I can't incriminate him. My life is business of nobody else. Perhaps my actual agony is that I can't even be a Bhumisuta. I was happy being one till date. "Yes, I don't need anyone else. My life ends in my brown eyed prince." He's broken this notion entirely. I no longer feel that oneness with my so called soul mate. I don't remember him even. At the same time, I can't even give away the same position to anyone else.

For the first time in my life I feel I am going mad. I can't collect my thoughts even, let alone arrange them. I really feel like killing myself. I have never ever felt so suicidal. I find life to be quite quite meaningless and God to be entirely non existent. I wish now that the miracle had never happened, instead of taking place, and then establishing that it was not a miracle after all. I have come down in my own eyes, for being so over-imaginative, thoughtless and impractical. Now when the truth and practicality comes back to me, I don't have the means to deal with the situation. I don't blame anyone. I just feel its good time to call it curtains.