The torment called "love song"...

Me: Hello brother...
BC: But you are against anything remotely related to Salman Khan, right?
Me: (Chuckling) Nah, nothing whatsoever against the one from Khan Academy...
(We two laugh aloud)
BC: So? Planning to give me some business finally?
Me: Hello, it's not your business, you are just a booking clerk - you must be getting a salary right?
BC: (Amused) Says who? Do I convince people and advise them for nothing? I'm the marketing manager of the venture...
Me: Ya, ya...now he assumes Ranbir's role from Tamasha....man, manager and all is boring, booking clerk is so sexy :)
BC: (Blushing a little) So, no luck, eh?
Me: (With wide eyes) Man, you a fortune teller or what?
BC: (In between bouts of laughter) Lady, it's simple right? You wouldn't be hitting on me otherwise...
Me: Get lost...as if...
BC: (Suddenly serious) Frustrated?
Me: (Unmindful) Nah, I never really wanted to break someone's home you know...
BC: (Silently) Yeah, I know...damn, you ok?
Me: I am great...simply out of the world...
BC: And?
Me: I watch movies, sleep stretched on my bed, read up things once in a while...
BC: Watch movies till my eyes burn, sleep in a dirty bed I don't bother to clean, read up stuff he said he's reading...
Me: Correction, what he said he's bought from the book fair, not sure how much he's read them...(suddenly alert) but how do you know man? You stalking me or him?
BC: Just using my machine baby...
Me: Baby?
BC: (With warning eyes)...don't fall for me, I am not trustworthy, will disappear anytime...
Me: Hello, this is going too far, you know right, I shall never fall in love again in this life...
BC: Yes ma'am, and that's why you can't bear to listen to your favorite love songs...you just listen to "the lion sleeps tonight"...
Me: No...I force myself to listen...coax myself almost...just this once...never again...I play "Laal Ishq" and before it's over I put it in loop as well (can't really help that)...but that's very very rare, I am repulsed and apprehensive almost all the time, with anything to do with that life...
BC: And what happens when you do manage to force yourself?
Me: I feel like writing our story...
BC: Your and his?
Me: Your and mine...
BC: Don't honey, I don't really exist, you are smart enough to know that...I can't be of any help...
Me: I don't love anymore to seek help...you know that I can handle my life now...I don't need anybody...
BC: Yet you want to write our story?
Me: (With bright shining eyes) Don't you see? That's the only way you can be made to exist...outside this stupid time machine of yours...
BC: Correction love, it's "our" time machine...not only mine...you want a proof? Here's a free ticket to
Me: (Tearing up the tickets) I don't want your moronic machine, understand? (Shouting at the top of my voice) Bloody thing will keep me forever suspended in a non existent time...
"Laal Ishq" stops playing...no love song, no story, time to sleep...

The trilogy completed...

"This time he has surpassed himself", "what a movie boss!", "I am a mother like that...probably" and numerous other such emotions went through my mind. But more than anything else, Maqbool and Omkara. Yes, Haider came late in my life. Long after it was released. Because when it was released, I was not fit enough to watch it. So I watched it today, more than one and a half years later. Maqbool had come 4 years after its release, in 2007, on a lonely Saturday midnight which I so fondly describe. And Omkara? Oh, I couldn't wait for Omkara, 2006 August, around independence day, watching it in the theater with my long term boyfriend, celebrating his first return from onsite, the onsite where he proudly went off, after the mutually convenient decision of slaying our yet to be born son was successfully carried through. Yes, I am definitely a mother like that.

Aah the trilogy is finally complete for me...I haven't forgotten a single scene from any of the movies in so many years. And I have a rather weak memory. The absolutely heart wrenching scenes from Maqbool still manage to haunt me. The old man retiring to the bedroom during daytime, and people talking about that unknowingly in front of the silent lover, and I cringing with humiliation. "No, I don't want that kind of a husband - who knows not how to respect the wife...", and she fondling the goat, almost worshipping it, before it'd meet its end. "Don't love no, if you have to kill in the end?"

And then that ever inspiring scene in Omkara, if I'm to die for him, why not tell him about my love and then die? And then that closing scene where she makes a strange face after finally the impact of his accusation dawns on her, and says, I don't want to live anymore...and the real evil kind of humor that was ever made - what if you have lost your jewelry, my wife once lost the kid, have I ever scolded her?

Unimaginable drama. Vishal Bhardwaj's adaptations are not just that, they are Indianizations. Take for instance the music...nothing suavely cinematic about it, just pure rustic theatrics. But you don't ever dare to say that the music is unnecessary. No, it is what the flavor is made up of - and it is very intrinsic to the script - we are grave diggers - we sing about grave digging. In the crisp, matter of fact lyrics of Gulzar...which again never ceases to be an enigma in itself.

Which scene of Haider would remain with me? Not sure, it will come to me gradually.

Which scene as of now, right after watching the movie? Perhaps Arshi all covered in undone red wool, perhaps wondering about why the scarf she had so lovingly knitted, brought about such doom? Or maybe the apprehension whether his mother will kiss him on the lips before choosing her death - a step colossal for Indian cinema, but then mothers do kiss their children on the lips, don't they? Hypocrisy everywhere...that's India for you. People don't dream here, they just obey bloody customs. I love my boy, I would have kissed him on his lips a hundred times were he alive, I can almost see him wiping his lips in disgust, "Ma, I am not a kid anymore..." I am that strange weak lovesick mother who does mistakes. I often feel my puppy is my reincarnated son, but I fee strangely hesitant in getting him vaccinated. Your mom died and my son died. So I feed you just to fill my void. I don't take care of anybody - I couldn't take care of my son. If you survive, that's your good fortune. I won't try and do you good. Your siblings died - I couldn't help them. I can't fight destiny. I can punish myself, I can't bring myself happiness, try as I might...

Were I in Prague now, I'd have raised a flute of quality red wine to the movie...in India you've to just assume the action...I am glad that Haider came last, and so late, you see, Shakespeare is finally 400 years old, yet the ways of the world haven't changed...human beings still go insane and howl in pain...

Where to?

Regret? What's that? I enjoy my life. There's one small thing that always manages to get me depressed. No, not work. I don't exactly hate my work, I like management, but I hate the circumstances of my work. The professors are such gloated, bloated people. What do they think they are? One gentleman inconsequentially tells me that I can never be a good teacher. All because I was not speaking slowly and was not clearly audible on Skype. If diction was the primary parameter of being a teacher then Tagore or Gandhi would have never made an impact. None of them had the orator's voice. Goes for a toss the fact that I teach at his department with the maximum number of students attending the classes and I am forced to take extra classes on popular demand. I decided not to take any further classes in the next year. If he asks me why, I'd tell him the reason :)

I continue watching movies like a maniac. Jungle Book has unleashed the animal lover in me...I'm watching The Lion King now (Hakuna Matata) and my stubborn pet puppy has taken a bath in a paint pail and is the only green colored doggy on earth right now. I do a lot of shopping, if only for the sick room. I want mom to have all the comforts I can afford for her, after the operation, when she's supposed to be on bed rest for a month. I stay in touch with more family members than I have ever done. All good things...while sure and certain the good days are coming to an end. The duration of this project is almost over, where do I go from here?

No, you're mistaken. That's not what you think it is. Somebody didn't respond to my offer of having beer together, remember? It's just a glass of ice tea which I enjoy my lonely evenings with :) I munch on the ice cubes and tell my non existent audience - see I battled my asthma and won, except for a lot of dust, nothing brings me down anymore, no cold stuff, no stuff that I'm allergic to...but you know what? I battled my loneliness too, and I lost it...So much for being in love, so much for watching Roman Holiday and wishing fervently that there'd be someone on earth who'd tell me, yes your faith in human relationships is justified...

The romantic...

A man you dream about all night, almost every night of your life, you do get some right on him, don't you? A man who is the only reason you are tolerating this intolerable mess of a life?

I can't tell him the truth...I can't lie to him either, I'd choke if I try to hide anything from him...so tell me what else I could have done? I don't believe that God knows what's best for me. So far as I can see, God must have somehow missed me in His records. So it boils down to him and me. Yes, it was a mistake. I failed to select him when he was all parts intact for the me who was not all chopped up yet. I accept the broken him for the broken me.

Well, now, back to normalcy. You know, it all boils down to the fact of making the most of it. I am doing that. I am watching movies, reading books and I am trying to get a grip on my weight gain problem. I am doing my duties diligently. Apart from that I am learning to ignore things that bother me, and be on my own most of the time. It doesn't help much being with people. In some way or the other I end up feeling cheated or bereft. You see, because compromise is the basis of the human society, and compromise seems to be such a cuss word to me, I'd better be left lonely. Haughty, defying and lonely. Ah Ms. Ray, will you be able to cope up with the loneliness all your life? I am not sure about that, but I must try. Particularly when I really seems to have lost patience with all wrong people and the right people just refuse to come by me.

I just like having my whims as the occasional fun elements in life. Is that so wrong? So I wrote him this long long letter. Then I realized what অভিমান is...no man, I don't send you letters anymore. I don't seek clarifications, nor do I need to give explanations. I can't help you. Not because I am angry or hurt or you don't deserve my compassion or it won't help. None of these reasons. I just don't want to come in your way anymore. I tried my best, for two consecutive days, to send the mail. I failed miserably. I couldn't force myself further to do something that I don't want to do. I am sure it will never see the light of the day. My precious letter, such a perfect mixture of truth and lie. "No, I don't hate you" - what is the point in writing that? Twisting words?...Finally feeling good that I chose not to send the mail...

I watched Hachi last night. Tomorrow I am going to watch Jungle book. Life moves on...

The fighting spirit and the romance in between...

লড়াই লড়াই লড়াই চাই,

লড়াই করে বাঁচতে চাই|

Never heard this before? Oh, come over to our University any day, you'd find some or the other procession on its way, chanting this super cool mantra...it basically means -

I wanna fight fight fight more,

I wanna live this life fighting...

That's what I do. I love fighting. And then you see, I have this "struggling" life no? Something or the other simply comes up and I have to fight. Like last night, I suddenly discovered 50 bucks missing from my tab balance. Net pack was getting low, I had to recharge...and then on exploring I was told that I have requested download of some VIP games pack...that too two days back...excuse me? Well, I was tired last night. I am bored of life in general these days. I really didn't feel like fighting more. I had no mind of calling up Vodafone that late at night. I just stopped the services, else they were all set to debit 50 Rs. per fortnight it seems. In the morning when I woke up I told myself what's there in 50 bucks? Just let go of it, I really didn't have the mind to bicker anymore - get into hearing long winded explanations/lectures/sermons on what really happened, how I should be more careful with my hand movements on the touch screen, and how, now that it is already past 24 hours, it is nearly impossible for them to reverse the charges. You know, in short, I hate being witness to myself in the process of fighting. Today, after I had woken up properly and had a light breakfast, and before I'd take my bath, I decided to call up. I had given up even before I'd started the fight. But to my surprise, the ordeal went really well - a lady picked up the call and spoke extremely politely, readily took down a service request and said that the charges would be reversed within the next two hours. It seemed to good to be true and in my ecstasy of not being goaded to fight, I forgot to ask the service request number - it'd come in an SMS anyways. I was apprehensive once I discovered that no SMS has come. Two hours went by, no charge reversal. I called 198 again. Welcome Vodafone retailer - it said!!!???&$%@???Just so that I don't call again and follow up, they had somehow managed to block my access to the entire complaint menu :( :O But man, they don't know me. I don't take insult, defeat, falsehood, breach of trust or promise lying down. I called from my other Vodafone number. CIF ID, why don't they maintain CIF ID man? Why to blame Vodafone when I have 3 accounts with SBI with three different CIF IDs? They have no way of interconnecting different accounts of the same customer and hence they picked up my call...and then the nonsense began.

V: "Ma'am, 24 hours gone we can't reverse the charges..." blah blah blah...

Me: "If that's the case should you not have mentioned in the first call itself? Can you step back from something that was already committed? And should you have blocked my access to the complaint number - tell me?"

They soon understood I won't give up on this and refund followed soon. I just hope my doggedness didn't cost the polite lady her job...

What? You think fight was over? Soon it was another unknown number calling. 

Me: Hello...

Unknown Man: Ma'am I am calling from Bharat Matrimony, you logged in your profile yesterday...

Me: Can you please stop following my personal activities. Every time I login someone from your office calls up to cross check and disturb me? You shouldn't intrude into someone's personal space and I don't have any update to give you about my groom preferences...blah blah blah...thank you...

Crap man, reminds me of what dad says every now and then - she's old and unmarried, so she tends to stay irritated...

I don't blame the heat, neither do I blame my ever-agitated state of mind and regular worries. I'm just made like that, God's made me this way...I can't give up without fighting...moreover I'm an intelligent and observant girl, it's not easy to dupe me or take me for a ride (though on the flip side I'm very very trusting and gullible - but then, that's a different story...)

So...to end, yeah, the summer's oppressive, but (going the narcissist way once more) I look cool, see? Quite a fashionista even in this sweltering heat... 

And yes, answer to the million dollar question - if not the bear, then who? Short and sweet - him...have always loved him, haven't I? :P Come on...leave some bit of my romance intact, else how am I supposed to live the rest of my life? 

Beer not bear, dear, dear...DR, some beer?

One of my professors have decided to match make for me. Brother of her daughter's music teacher, supposedly. Some big shot banker or financial analyst. Sigh. The professor calls me at 9 pm one night (last Saturday) and shares his matrimonial id. She calls me back at 11 pm - you checked the profile? Err, no ma'am , sorry, you see my mom's not keeping well, so I am kinda busy with her (pure lie, I was busy watching the 3rd movie of the weekend)...don't worry, I shall do so this weekend and get back to you by Monday...Yet, at heart I'm a truthful girl. So I'm forced to check the profile today. You know how he looks?

Where's my glass of chilled beer man? I wanna relax in life...somebody please go and tell my well wishers. A crate full would do well, to start with :P..you see, I am rather fond of the way I look, and narcissism is not the only reason behind it. 

Unaccustomed existence...

However much I might try to watch movies, at length it never gives me the comfort of books. I have been watching too many movies lately. I rather liked Kapoor and Sons...a real movie by the KJo camp after Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna (i.e. KANK sans those stupid party songs and overacting bits). Given my temper these days (it just flares up and roars like forest fire on the slightest impulse) it felt nice to watch a movie full of tempers and mood swings. Ki and Ka was a big let down though. Expected a little more from R Balki. If I may say so, the storyline seemed too rigid and made up. Then there was Hamari Adhuri Kahaani - watching a depressive movie in an already depressed state can't take you anywhere good - and then I really don't believe anymore that a superman like persona will come in his shining armor to rescue the damsel in distress - no sir, that doesn't happen. I was trying to watch JFK as well, but gave up on it mainly because of the length. My eyes were burning and watering and a 3+ hours of Hollywood movie without a lot of background (I tried to do some research but wiki wouldn't draw a very clear picture of the exact scenario before, during and after the assassination - and I am not very well read about American history - what little I know is through the little bit of reading I have done as a follow up to Gone with the Wind, which is much more ancient history than the time we are speaking of) - it's just like, I told myself, may be some other time and slept off.

After the guests for the morning left (given mom's illness, someone or the other keep coming to visit her - this time it was once again one of my innumerable মামা with his wife and son...) I retreated to my room and put on the AC. The only bit of luxury I enjoy. I debated with myself about how best to spend the one hour I have for myself before lunch...read the newspaper, and then tried to concentrate on Go Set a Watchman...I couldn't. Finally I settled on reading the last few pages of Hema and Kaushik one more time. Ah, this is called super bliss. I don't think I shall speak with my best friend ever again in this life time. The pain has dulled down. The ecstasy of a couple of (seems like nonexistent) days are not remembered or delved into - as if it never took place. But I have lost my gold bangle. My existence with the realization that he's not present in my life even virtually feels like I am just not alive. I feel like an alien being - not myself. I think it is really good time to explore unaccustomed earth one more time - leave the safety of Kolkata.

Freedom and ego...

Delhi was a disastrous experience but I am going to watch Kapoor and Sons now. Particularly harrowing was the denial by the hotel receptionist to entertain my online booking. Moon Dada had faced it when he went to Delhi for his INA interview. He actually had to hear comments like "kahaan kahaan se Delhi chale aate hai?" The current rebel in me would have retorted "kyon be saala Delhi pe tere baap ka raaj hai kya?" but I was then just a kid. I would widen my already bulging eyes and think about how people could be this rude? It took me another 20 years to experience the rudeness myself.

But Delhi too has its share of good people. The driver of my cab took me to another hotel. Although for almost all of the two days that I stayed in that hotel I kept wondering and getting scared about whether there are hidden cameras or if someone would break into my room...I finally survived and got back home scratch free, but Delhi this time was not a happy experience, I tell you...

I love the way I vent out my emotions. I also love the time when I start considering about leaving my job one more time. At length, come what may, my ego should win and my freedom should remain intact. Else life's no life. Pity the people who were born human but chose to crawl about like a reptile. Ok...back to the movie then...

Realizations after the flyover tragedy

Tired with the regular insistence of Facebook to mark myself safe :( ok...I am just alive, safety is a different ball game altogether, and quite non existent in today's world. No, I don't feel safe, period.

Thinking about those people who were probably "feeling safe" under the shade of the flyover, just at the moment it came crashing on them...this looks nothing short of a farce. One might argue that this is a good way to let your near and dear ones know that you have survived. I'd like to ask two questions against this -

1. Have we really survived? Or is it just a piece of sheer luck that we saved ourselves from the catastrophe just this once. Maybe we shall continue to save ourselves for an entire lifetime, but then again sheer good fortune should not be termed as safety, right? Safety is a protective shield that is built not around a single human being but an entire community, and everyone has to necessarily contribute to maintain it. Staying aloof, not my problem, it'd never affect me or my people,  is just turning a blind eye to reality. I am not ISIS, Syria is on the other end of the world, who cares about those damned Africans, my house is built strongly enough so let's enjoy cricket. Selfishness will erode the safety net, you might not be practising terrorism or corruption, but it is also your duty to rectify the erring people who are going astray - অন্যায় যে করে আর অন্যায় যে সহে, তব ঘৃণা তারে যেন তৃণসম দহে...isn't this the right enough time to remind yourself about this?

2. Talking about near and dear ones, who exactly are these people who would be relieved to know that you are safe through Facebook? A kid from my previous organization called me right away - didi, are you ok? If you are worried about a loved one you won't rely on FB. If FB is the only mode of showing your concern, then my life or death really doesn't matter much to you. So much for social networking, my foot. Want to spread selfishness and self obsession - welcome and enjoy!

Do I practise what I preach? I try to. I spread love in every way I can, and I protest against every wrongdoing that I see around me. Sometimes diplomatically, at other times straight away. I am not a very strong person, I'm often too preoccupied with my own difficulties, I am also lazy, which is probably my greatest negativity (oh I love my bed, I love stretching myself on it or cuddling my side pillow and sleeping or reading or simply thinking/daydreaming - such a wastage of productive time), but I keep trying. Like I said, my passion for love and human interdependence inspires and helps me to go on...

I wish everyone would know the benefit of worshipping three things in life - love, truth and work - the world would be a different place then. Here's an epilogue from one of my favorite authors - to bring us out of the gloom...let's explore the positivity and softness in ourselves...