I don't know what I am doing. I wanted to talk to Ani, but I don't know what to tell her. I hate being idle you know. An idle brain is a devil's workshop. Why do I have to shout at mom for every single thing? She is the only one who should be at the receiving end of my blows, is it? Or is it like, she reminds me the most of "The Rocking Horse Winner"? It's always like, there's no money, your dad doesn't give me any, how do I take care of the expenses...man what else am I supposed to do? I have spent each penny of my savings on them, still they keep complaining. Anand could sense it very well in the initial days. He used to tell me, to stop the construction of the house. I don't understand why, after the full house was built, it can not be used for living or renting. Why small plumbing works were not done, to keep the house uninhabitable. I am gradually losing interest in life. If all my ventures end in a disaster, then what's the big use?
I am plain irritated. Yesterday's apprehensions, that kept me awake till 4 in the morning, was by no means baseless. But this idiot girl is all set to find happiness. She finds happiness juggling between her cell phone and her ipod, listening to her favorite songs. But the limitations will always be there. Why does a girl like me have to chose between the normal bus and the A/C Volvo? Or, to be more specific, why has she to look away from the A/C Volvo? I don't have an answer to that. But I don't complain. I am happy walking in the sun, towards the office, which...like most other days, beckons me for only one reason. For a long time now, this has been the only reason. In its presence and its absence. But then, it was entirely mine. He didn't share my feelings. So, I didn't have the onus of hiding it from the world.
I try being a kid. I try pretending. After a while I give up. It is my favorite toy after all, why should I pretend that it doesn't belong to me? How long can one continue being stiff. "Ya the flight was good", "Ya Prague was wonderful", "Please have chocolates", "No it's difficult to predict if the project is going to stay", "Ya, I am ok with moving to something totally different, but first I'm looking for a role change" - I feel tired dammit. Don't these stupid people realize, that a miracle has happened in my life? I don't have time for these things? Huh, I am that unlucky that I can't even boast of my magic.
Whom should I tell? What am I supposed to tell? Who will understand? Who will support this madness? Ani will probably threat me on call to immediately stop this idiocy. Deepti will tell me what grave consequences I have to face. Even, of all people, I'm sure, if I told K himself, he'd be like, "boo have you gone crazy - come back - you don't know men...". Oh God, where have I gotten myself into? I need to flee, that too immediately. And they are giving me all sweet flowery traps.
As I was walking back today evening towards my home, I was trying to think. There has been such a desperate time. With each step I have taken, I have prayed to God. I didn't realize when my prayer got answered. I don't even realize it now. This guy doesn't let me realize. He changes colors faster than I do, and trust me, I am 100 times better than a chameleon. If, I fail to save myself this time, I'll be the greatest idiot on earth. Oh God, put some poison in my veins, so that this lust for life goes away. It'll bring up only death, only death.
At the end of the day, I want my toy back. Toy with which I could play. Toy with whom I'd talk whenever I'd feel like. I wonder just how long this has been going on without my active knowledge. This didn't develop in a day...and what now?
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