I am in a sorry state really. I don't think I have slept a wink since last night. Well I have, perhaps. You don't really realize whether you are sleeping when you are living a dream.
I don't know how to run away from myself. The violin tune would be torturous. It'd make me stay up in the middle of the night and connect youtube. Relish each single scene. It's the same situation once again. Ya, it's true. Two months back, this is what I wanted. And when it has happened, my mind is going totally berserk. Two years of loneliness does funny things to you.
I wish I had a cocoon of my own, a shell in which I could withdraw. I am scared of facing the world. I am not practical. I am a girl who lives and breathes for her dreams. Over the years I grew perfectly habituated in handling situations which were nowhere near my dreams. But now I feel completely numb.
I am trying to be defiant. Assuring myself that I am not taking this seriously. Then why did the day pass in this semi-dazed state? Why do I still find it difficult to breathe? Why are my hands still cold?
Problem is, I am not 25 anymore. I have seen the world, seen hell too. I cannot be the simple gullible girl. But what awed me more is, how much I am still myself. I was startled to realize how I still preserve my shyness.
I don't want to go to office tomorrow. Friday was ok. Yesterday is also acceptable. As I had today to shield me. Tomorrow, I have to go out in the world, face it. I don't know how to do it. I can give anything, literally anything, to get convinced that yesterday evening never ever happened. I can handle my dreamless existence. I can't handle this truth.
P.S. - I am wonderfully happy. Happy is the wrong word. Cheeky. Merry. I can laugh at myself. Romance is now a big joke to me. Yet as I watch the song, I love the hills. As I used to, in my childhood. What's the big use? Everything will go wrong again. I have already spoiled beautiful places like Coorg, Ooty and Genting. Let's not do it again, please.
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