The last lap...

There must have been something to the dread I felt on 26th August. Crap crap crap...I can still hear myself shouting. How much possessive should one be to feel this kind of jealousy? I almost felt like Sridevi in Nagin, after having fought as the snake, when she came back to her human self, gasping for breath, her sindoor smudged. I felt that angry. Why she has to come back between us? Why does anyone for that matter have to come between us. Why can't people leave us alone?

But tell me what to do when nothing is in your hand? I can not take it anymore. I am feeling feverish. There is a limit to what I can take. I can't take his constant denial anymore. I hate the situation life has brought me too...I hate being so weak...so seeking pity.

Life, at least my professional life enters the last lap. It is not easy to retire or to give up when you have always been a fighter. But in any fight someone has to lose :)

And yes, I know not why I am doing this to myself. That is, why I am reading Before I Forget. If he decides to go back to his lady love, then also there is no way that I can go back to him. He has forgotten me for God's sake. May be only way to come to terms with this pain is reliving that pain...

Good or Bad?

It is never easy to take any decision, and when it comes to a life changing one, it is even more difficult. In my confusions I had forgotten one very simple thing. As much as it is about what life I deserve, it is also about who all deserve me. Over the next month I am going to carry out just a survey, on both these points...

27/08/2012
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Good -
1. I studied a bit on some new technology and was able to pay attention. It doesn't seem as intimidating as it did earlier. I am not a dumb person, why should learning something new be difficult?
2. Health seemed better than the rest of the days.
3. Life was rather peaceful, the constant tension and sense of being left out was not there, probably because he is onsite.
Bad -
1. I don't understand the policies of this office, it somehow makes you feel left out and unwanted. My allocation to the resource pool today was pretty demotivating.
2. I don't like this girl, Boo's so called lady love. I feel envious towards her and towards the way Boo talks about her in an all lovey dovey way. I don't find her to be exceptional. She is one of those "I love being shady and mysterious" ladies. Not at all an open book like me.


28/08/2012
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Good -
1. Well the waking up was good, to begin with. Leisurely and refreshing and purposeful. It felt as if I am getting back my balance. Happened to remember my dream last night and note it down and also a wish, as decided.
2. One of the good decisions I have taken lately is to take an auto to office everyday. Ya some auto drivers refuse or ask for more fare over and above the meter price, but I ignore them. Overall the exhaustion of walking is not there. Today got a decent auto driver in the morning who went by the route I said, though his meter showed a little more than what it usually takes, but not more than 4-5 Rs. Also while coming back there was a lot of traffic, but I got a window seat and the lady conductor in the bus readily returned my change.
3. Work wise it was good, the software got installed, though I am yet to configure it.
4. Yes yes yes, how can I forget. Boo keeps talking about other girls in romantic ways to irritate me...and I get very upset. But today, the following conversation happened -
he: and my lady love.. 
me: don't say this word na boo plz... m serious, it bothers me a lot, don't talk of loving other girls... I just can't take it 
he: ok wht did that another female in the table say :)
I still can't believe in one protest of mine he changed his way of speaking. I still can't believe it.
5. Talked with mom and had a nice evening after office.

Bad -
1. Only bad thing that happened today was my lack of faith in Boo. In the same point let me include a disinterested friend who was once very close, a bull fight I saw on the road and some agitated dogs running about in and extremely life threatening traffic.


29/08/2012
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Good -
1. Had my first Onam lunch.
2. Life was slow paced yet peaceful. I have almost stopped taking any kind of tension.

Bad -
1. Why don't people return money which they owe me?


30/08/2012
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Good -
1. Bhalobashi Bhalobashi :) nothing...it was a most mundane boring useless day...it turned out to be so so different because of that one explicit conversation :)


31/08/2012
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Good -
1. Salary came
2. Peaceful and relaxed day...little work...nothing hectic
3. Nice dinner at night.
4. Despite overspending, ended up managing month within 35 K. That is like 15K over budget, not much.

Bad -
1. Everything turned sour, ever the extreme romanticism that yesterday night generated. I didn't want it to die, but it did. I really don't know how I am going to make this work out.

01/09/2012
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Bad -
1. Everything is bad about today.

02/09/2012
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Good -
1. The continuous song session that today morning was.
2. My Boo Boo. So long as he is present in my life, nothing can really be bad.

5 years...

Last to last Saturday morning I woke up and casually checked my mobile...for sms's from Boo. I was at my hometown. He had gone over to his hometown as well, because his granny had passed away. It was a casual glance I gave at the mobile and realized...it's 18th August. How uneventful a 18th August has become for me. Is this what happens when the person you love gets distant? Ya the doctor did declare me cured, and I did watch a very nice movie in theater with my parents, but apart from that...where was that excitement that I felt even on 18th August last year? Where was the art work, poems which I usually manage to do for him? Just a consciousness. Yes it is 18th August.

Almost same thing happened for 26th August too. Was this the date when 5 years back I chose to screw up my life? There was no way of knowing that I might have any repentance from the way I behaved yesterday. I was happy, in a jovial mood. Did shopping and met up with friends. Frankly speaking I am scared to be this happy. Happiness is not a thing that agrees with my system well. Yes I am a bit apprehensive and unsure but that is the maximum negativity I am having in my mind. Otherwise I am happy and that's what is troubling me.

To break free...

Lately, life has been super hectic. It always is when I visit home. Calcutta is a place where I find myself to be different. The regular boredom of life is gone. Shopping, movies, visiting relatives, talking to friends, and this time also the frequent rounds to the hospital...life was full hectic. I don't feel left out and lost like I am in Bangalore. I am a subdued reclusive type basically. But still I find myself in better shape in all other cities I have lived in, except Bangalore. Leave alone Calcutta, it is my hometown. But even in Singapore and Prague I have felt more at home, may be given the better infrastructure, the comfort level and the money streaming in.

It was a great  relief to be diagnosed that nothing fatal has happened to me. Yes I am a little imaginative, but had you seen my lower abdomen, even you'd start imagining things. It still has that  strange pale blue color which kind of spells danger :( But thankfully, the doctor said nothing's wrong with me. And he was the sweetest doctor I have ever met. Middle aged, almost my dad's age and may be older, my dad can kind of redefine fashion for him. It seems he never got out of the hospital wing to discover that people dress differently these days. As a result he wears his trousers almost near his chest. But oh, what confidence. 2nd time I visited him, first thing he did was to smile at me and state (mind you, not ask, but state) it got cured...

My dad wanted me to be a doctor. Seeing this gentleman, I understood why. What have I done with my education? How many people have I been able to help? Where have I been able to contribute. It is just earning money and looking after my parents. There is a whole world to look after, how much have I done?

Watched 2 new Bengali movies, Hemlock Society and Muktodhara. Hemlock Society was crap - example of bad acting, bad direction, bad screenplay, bad editing, bad music everything applied at the same time to a good idea. Muktodhara was wonderful. I love it when my parents happen to enjoy a movie. Both of them were in tears, and smiling. It was a sight to behold. To think of it, how much have I done for my parents also? How much time have I spent with them, how much care have I shown. Giving money and building a house for them to live in is not enough. Moreover, correction, I didn't build the house. Just the first floor.

Good times over, I am still undecided. What to do with life? Get a new house in Bangalore? Take leave or resign and go back to Calcutta? My health is seriously degrading. I need home food and a lot of care. And then what about the future? Any chance of getting married? The same old questions, without any answer, torment me. Back to Bangalore, same love hate relationship with Boo, same next to nil work at office, same struggle for existence. I know I am better off than many, but somehow that fails to calm me down. I get agitated at times, completely diffused at other times. And life drags on. When Aamir asked not to drink and drive, I'd vouched I won't let Boo do that again. But then, this Monday when I returned, he almost pleaded to me that he wants to drink. I was split, but couldn't say no. He is this mammoth drinker anyways, he is completely sober with two glasses of beer. But the problem is, he makes me weak. I get angry with him but cannot show, I get exasperated with him but cannot react. Way a mother protects a child, I stay by his side. Silently. Can't ask for anything in return, can't even give him all I want. Today he is tolerating me, tomorrow he might throw me away. Yes, it is this uncertain. And I supposedly have to live on for another 60 years...

Calcutta beckons me...I look on dumbly...I hope...one fine day my patience will break, I will refuse to live like a zombie, to comply, to cooperate - I'll finally be able to break free...

Don't want to die now...

As usual I was wondering what to do with life. And as usual...I don't have a clue. Perhaps the visit to home will help. The funny thing is...something new is there what scares me off. There is this tumor kinda thing I was having for a long time on my tummy, and which I have been ignoring, but recently it has started paining there. I like ignoring my ailments. I hardly remember I am asthmatic. When I had that terrible back pain a week ago, I went out for the whole day, and there was no way anyone could find out how I am feeling, except the occasional wince which I was trying my best to hide. But this one freaked me out. I somehow felt (no idea why) that this might be fatal. I tried my best ignoring it, all day yesterday. Then night I blurted it out to mom. Today I told a friend in the office. And also to Bee. And finally to Boo. But then...the only way out is to see a doctor. Let us see. I don't really want to die at this moment. Though from this situation, life can take turn towards just a mere bleak existence...there are chances for that...still I seem not to be afraid. I seem to long for life. That guy (who by the way is wearing a pink shirt today) is the main reason. He seems to be an honest, John Galt-ish person. Though I am not and will never be a Dagny Taggart, I like him. I don't want to die now. I want to live with him. For a life time :)

Interview pangs

Well...Boo calls it a reality check. That I keep appearing for interviews with some or the other company occasionally. But to me, all it means is a lot of tension beforehand and a lot of depression afterwards. I can't handle rejection...may be that's the problem. Despite having such an impressive CV, perhaps my too transparent mind is to be blamed, which prefers putting out my weak cards on the table too, and then, the first failure to respond, and the first hint of taunt from the interviewer hurts my perfectionism. Ohh why on earth don't I know everything on earth?

But funny thing is...when situation worsens, you feel less desperate. Last time when I had taken the interview with a major banking product brand, I felt as if this is my last straw. After a couple of weeks of waiting and no intimation, I even went to the extent of dropping a mail to them asking about the result. Then a stupid thing happened. I got another call from the same company. I patiently explained to them that I have already appeared for an interview and awaiting results, and they said, no problem, send us your CV again. Wow :)
At length I was glad that I at least have a job and a good enough monthly salary.

Ya you do feel you are not good enough, you feel angry about the person sitting opposite to you who acts as if he has all the power on earth, and keeps sms'ing while you are trying to talk, and appears disinterested, but then after a brief period of feeling sad, I decided, it is good only. Only thing I want at this point in time, in my life, is to get married to Boo. I am ok about leaving my job and being a housewife for a while, if not that, then working together on the same project. Anything, so long as I get to stay near him. He's become too dear to me over the years. Nowadays, he comes first :) In fact, even he was concerned about whether it'd be prudent to take up a new role now, which involves a lot of travel. And I was glad he said that. May be, just may be, he too feels the same...