Happy Holi :)

No, I cannot get married ever. If husband is such an antithesis to my dream guy, I can't. I am not a male hater. Why, most of my best friends have been men folk and I get along with them wonderfully well. And I feel they can be good human beings if they want. I have always dreamed of love, immense love from the person I marry. Way I love, the person should love me back. I cannot marry an idiot, drab person just for the sake of getting a conjugal life (OMG aren't my words strong these days???)

I am a realistic person. I know that I will grow old and lonely and helpless. So? Accept the next best option? For everything else in life, may be yes, but not for my life partner. He has to be the best, as I am the best. I liked that line in "Almost Single" - there comes a time when girls give up on their Mr. Right and look for Mr. Right Now. Ha ha ha, I was ROTFL reading it, but well, if the last marriageable age in India is 28 (may be 30 by stretching it far) I have already crossed the limit by 3 years. So why be conscious now about how I am placed socially. I can very confidently dream of a future when I am too old to move around and may be one day, simply collapse and die because there's no one to take care of me or give me food. I am that realistic. But then, spending more than 50% of your precious life in a mock relationship just for the sake of some support in those days (and that's also not guaranteed mind you, there's every chance that the husband person dies before me and the kids leave me and settle down somewhere else, happens all the time) - I cannot do that.

I thank the kid silently, for the small pinch of color he put on my face. I love holi. I remember the crazy holi celebrations way back in college, university, or in my first company, while we were having the training. These days, there's nothing. The little bit of color, I can't tell how much void it filled up. Who knows if there'd be anyone doing this to me ever again in this life. Mom tells me that I first learnt to dance at the age of 3 with the typical "দোল পূর্নিমা" song "ওরে গৃহবাসী" when we visited Shantiniketan during that time. I remember visiting it once more during the same time, when I was 17, and I remember how much I enjoyed "তাসের দেশ" and "নিয়ম Vs. ইচ্ছা" amid solving mechanics problems (it was the +2 season too). So I am basically like that. Some people move on, some don't. I don't want to move on. Not romantically, and not right now anyways.

What a turn life has taken in the past year - I still remember watching the full moon, sitting behind Boo on his bike, with an South Indian aunty glaring at us, as I kissed his back. I recoil a bit and said, Boo, aunty is angry. He looks back at aunty, and asks, why? She saw me kissing your back. Oh! did you? he exclaims - without my permission you dared to do that? I recoil further, and very meekly but boldly enough nod a yes. As we smile mockingly at aunty and her son, and roar the bike ahead, I tell him, my my, aunty will never get such a shameless wife for her son.

Ok, so it is decided, that I am never getting married. Fine. So what's next? Africa??? Hey did I tell you about the PP? The PP is my latest crush, besides some celluloid person, who has featured in only one remix song and is supposedly a super model. Though the celebrity guy is equally cute (and going by my standards, the guy is a B Tech, MBA as well), but still he seems a long shot. The PP is also equally a long shot, but I happen to see him every day and have talked with him only once (you guessed it right, it was on a Thursday) - but I somehow like the PP, through an idea my dear M planted in my head - that PP looks good and I should go for him (I, as usual, don't find anyone to be better than my Boo) and then she herself rejects the idea after couple of days having done enough research and having discovered that HH (Handsome Hunk, as we called him earlier) is actually a PP (Pagal Punjabi). And then there are couple of married dudes, who have been in love with me in their pre marital phase, and that love somehow still lingers. But ya, I am not much interested in them. The PP though, is cute (when someone would put up his current address as Mumbai in one place, and Africa in another place, he somehow becomes cute, given that I see him every day in a city called Bangalore - when you find the same mistake being repeated for place of work and educational qualification - it becomes cuter - and things cross limit when you discover that guy is supposed to be a statistician). So I see the PP these days (though not as intensely as the Avatar - I see you), and I have all funny issues because of him. Today I din't have something ironed for office, and once I woke up, there was no time to iron (shit, neither do I have for tomorrow). I however, had this very brown salwar suit (with yellow flowers, if you can believe that), with a browner dupatta. which was stitched around 6 years back. I usually don't wear tailored clothes, but the ones I have from some year back look like a second skin on me, I have bloated up so much. But at the spur of the moment it was like - say goodbye to office, and get a LOP or wear the tawny colored number (ya, again guessed it right, it was not yellow flowers, but tawny ones - M commented how mummy-ish it looked). So I adorned it carefully with the brown dupatta (to hide the top and middle parts which were shamelessly jutting out) - and looked a complete Hindustani girl (people actually inquired about what's wrong with me today - I usually have a good dressing sense you see). So cut shot, and we go for an elaborate lunch. The elaborate lunch is a regular affair these days, as mostly by mid day me and M will be totally stressed out, and good food is all we'll be looking for. On our way back, tummy jutting out even more, and happen to be face to face with PP. I tell M, when she comes back to her desk (we are neighbors as you know) - M, M I saw PP. M chirps, so did I. He was looking quite a dude. I sadly respond, and me, a behenji :( :(
So the PP is a good past time. The fact that I have learnt 50% of BPM is a good thing. The fact that I am about to visit Calcutta in the summer heat is not that good a thing, but if it gets unmanageable, we can always buy an AC. So overall, life's good. And I am definitely not interested in how to code notepad to show and hide on the hit of a function key :( :( :@ :@ So, isn't life colorful, despite all the dark hues? See, I told you :)

Mirroring the Silver Lining Playbook

Well, all through this time, I had one constant wish...I wanna watch this movie. It all started with Rajeev Masand recommending Lawrence for the best actress Academy award, simply stating her portrayal of a girl in a complex love life is laudable. All through the weeks when I used to work till 8:30 or 9 in the night, I used to secretly check if it is still running in Forum, and used to secretly dream of running away early from office one evening and watching it, way I had watched Iti Mrinalini long back. But then, days would pass by and show time would change, but thankfully the movie stayed on. This time the show time changed to 4 PM. For a girl who couldn't make the 6:45 show, 4 PM looked like a joke. So, I simply and plainly decided to burn my money and watch it on a Sunday (tickets are double priced, but what the hell, I am a multi millionaire).

I will show off a bit here? These days I don't hesitate in spending money for things that give me comfort and reduces my frustration, e.g. movies, books and good food (I can always have the full plate of cheese pasta in Konark, never mind the price, quantity and calorie - it is the yummiest thing on earth, and to me that is all that matters). Well I don't exactly go for expensive clothes (what the hell, I am so beautiful, everything I wear looks nice on me by default) - on second thoughts, I have learnt to say no to tight fitting clothes, I don't exactly wear gunny bags, but something that flatters my plumpness. Moved permanently from L to XL and I am extremely pleased with the move. The tummy doesn't show, and since I am careful with the accessories and the color combination, the end result is usually good. Over that there is this Suchitra Sen like smile (albeit with a little yellowed teeth, you see - I have visited a dentist only once in this life time, and unlike my estranged boyfriend, I will never marry someone who earns a living by putting hands in other people's mouths - yuck yuck yuck). Well disclaimer to the dentists of the world, ignore the ramblings of the heartbroken girl, this is specifically meant for the singular lady dentist on earth whose own teeth can be a museum specimen, even the most magnificent tusked elephant would envy). I have no qualms about stating that I absolutely whole heartedly hate the girl with big teeth (almost sounds to me like big "the other thing" - but fortunately for me and unfortunately for him - that is not the case). She and her husband has any issue with this public statement here, please come and meet me in person so that I can abuse you guys further. Getting stuck with such an ugly girl for a life time is the biggest punishment he could get - and this I didn't say, my best friend Ananya said, I am just repeating here. Oh I will write something else here? I just loved the way his lady love (she was quite another psycho by the way) removed him from her friend list in Facebook. They had been friends till some days before his marriage. Whatever be the reason, I am happy that his most loved person slapped him - a very well deserved slap I must say. Why I didn't remove him? Why should I? I live to see if he'd be happy - I shall follow that all my life, I must know for myself if God decides to favor nasty human beings who take pleasure in ruining other people's lives, or if He is good enough to punish them.

Coming back to the movie, there is this line - Tiffany says, "I trusted you, I opened up to you - and you judged me". Know what this so called "love of my life" told during his confrontation with M? She said, "She is suffering, cries all the time, I think she doesn't deserve this". The beast says, "She was like this when I met her for the first time". Bloody AH, I wanted to shout, did I ask you to be my friend? Did I seek for your help, because I was like this when you met me? I was happy with my life, whatever turn it had taken. You had no right to pretend to be a friend and stab me on my already existing wound and waste two years of my life. I hate you for that. What exactly would have happened if Pat in the movie, had kissed Tiffany and then gone back to that Nikki lady? Ya it feels sad to admit, but my Boo Boo is indeed that kinda bastard.

The movie made me laugh hysterically. I know how it feels to belong to a crazy family, having crazy people around you, and still trying to be happy all the time. I am a girl who calls a spade a spade. I don't have many friends, but the ones I have, are enough for sustenance. I haven't harmed anyone knowingly. I don't mind other people being happy because my life is screwed up. I try to read, write, watch movies ranging from rom com to horror to what not, watch TV (earlier I didn't, but now seems to be a good time pass, I watch debates and award ceremonies all alike) and like it was important for Tiffany to just participate in the dance competition, it is important for me to keep my career going, because that is the only straw this sinking girl has, the only thing that isn't entirely spoiled yet. Yes, I don't dream anymore of a fairy tale romance, often my sexual desires get almost out of control and I have nothing to do about them except reading up some "safe" erotic sites, but I don't feel guilty about any of that. I don't feel guilty about the one mishap that overshadowed my life so long, thank God I don't have the baby to share my agonies, it is much better if he comes back in my better times, if he chooses to abandon me, may he be happy with the mum who replaces me. I am happy in my life, with all the faults in it. I don't wanna better myself, or worsen for that matter - I feel, continuing to fight this battle, everyday, even when you feel depleted, is all that matters. I don't seek a result, today is all I have, and however late I sleep, I must wake up and reach office in time, and finish my best practices document and go on to test the account opening module.

I regularly put nail polish these days, on both my hands and feet, just to add a bit of a color to my life. However much hectic the weekends be, I'd find time to repaint my nails, preferably with some new color. And I happen to enjoy every bit of that newly colored life, thank God once again that I got rid of my drab love story with a spineless creep.

Black Hole and Randomness

I understand that it has been a frightfully long time since I last wrote here. But then, what is there to write? Life is very normal and very mundane. I get up everyday just for the sake of not missing office, go to office and find some work, and do it. The entire day's ill treatment met out to me - I seem not to care. I don't care when I have to beg to about 10 autowallahs and they won't even stop to nod and say a polite no - they'd simply drive on. I just tell myself, girl, as you know, you are cut out for rejection, so this shouldn't bother you. And when finally someone agrees (with or without extra money) - I tell myself - girl, you should be thankful for this. In the office, there is lot of work and even more ill treatment. This is one office completely devoid of any process, so today I am asked to do some installation of a strange software I haven't ever heard of (and kids are pathetically failing to do it), tomorrow I am given the onus to create some presentation for a client in some bank in some faraway country - where I am supposed to visit to convince them about the project afterwards. Next moment I am asked to go for some requirement gathering in telecom domain and almost in the same breath, for some other work in some other continent. Thankfully none of the travels materialize finally, I do 10 hours in office, come back and work for couple of hours more if required. I don't have a reportee (in my previous company I had scores of people reporting to me) - and most people feel I don't know anything and hold a decorative post. My best friend at work has been like an angel to me, way she has protected me against the disasters in my personal life - but once in a while she keeps adding troubles for me in the professional front. She'd often act in a way as if I am taken for granted - and I'd feel bad but won't be able to protest. Kids are strange these days, they don't hesitate from misbehaving. But then, when I am left dry after the day's experiences (I keep remembering my apprehensions - of proving myself, a rather daunting task when you are asked to do anything on earth - and then comes the negativity - I often lose words while trying to protect myself, and collapse badly), I finally leave the office in search of a calm bus ride back home. I'd like to elaborate. Today I was asked out of the blue to explain sequence diagram to a kid. I don't mind, I know the basics of a sequence diagram. But tragedy was when the kid acted strangely. She had a distinct look on her face - which said - will she be able to explain? And she kept insisting on her doubts being clarified by her reporting manager only. Think how helpless you feel in such situations. Then again, in the evening, there was a simple doubt clearing session. My friend took few things too personally. What could have been suggestions, sounded like accusations. I, like the super idiot, was trying the calm down the kid saying comments should be taken in a constructive way - he simply clearly asked me to leave the place, else he wouldn't be able to work. I was really left shaken, wasn't I just trying to help and reconcile both the parties? I remembered Boo Boo - why do you try to give advice when people are not interested?

The bus drives on, was lucky to get a window seat. I talk to Boo Boo, way I often do - when I realize there's nobody else I can probably talk to. You know why nothing hurts? You haven't left me capable of feeling any pain. It is sustenance, an aimless survival. I don't live for anybody. Last Sunday, I just wanted to cuddle my brother a bit, and he kicked me and hit me and badly abused me. Post this incidence, there has been no call from my parents, they also don't bother. There is no one who bothers. What sucks is that every person against whom a crime is committed has the right to ask for justice, I don't. I have no way of telling in court that I badly need love and shelter, I just cannot struggle any more against this torturous world where nobody cares. I have this subtle feeling that may be I have done something gravely wrong for which I am being punished, but then, which law states punishment without telling you about your crime. I am always thanking God about every small bit of kindness He shows. And the next moment He takes it away. Something as small as a bike ride gives me so much happiness, I so enjoy the feel of cold air and the thrill of speed. But then, next moment I feel I am being a burden. So I resort back to my bus ride.

The bike rides were hellish in the beginning. I'd shake from head to toe - the memories of Boo would leave me so paralyzed. Then I gradually recovered. With every small bit of recovery, I feel may be I'll be able to fight it after all. But then, there is always a totally unexpected blow waiting in the wings, which finally occurs and shows me the futility of my attempts to struggle.

So, I continued my monologue with Boo. Boo, you knew I never depended on anybody. I just trusted you and told you my experiences. I never believed that would just make you select me as a soft target. Couldn't you have spared me the agony of abandonment once again? I'll never be able to love again is an understatement Boo Boo. I'll never be able to live again. Give me one reason I should live in this hellish world, not that I am not trying.

The days ahead looks like an endless and unconquerable ocean. Numerous days ahead, each day giving signals of cold shouldering and ignominy. And I myself abandon all chances of probable happiness. We'd joke about a prospective groom, and I'd try to return to my bubble. Just try to imagine falling in love once again - look at the guy way I'd look at bossie or heman. Watch a song and be all happy happy in my mind. Not that such moments don't come. They come and I desperately try to convince myself, happiness is a way of life, it happens. Yes it happens, but it doesn't linger and that is the big problem. I am too weak - even small mishaps overpower me completely. You cannot stick to your work and a couple of story books and try to live. You need human company, you need love and pampering, and at least a girl like me needs a man. Now tell me, can I ever find a man whom I will happen to trust and be ready to live with, once again? Can I ever again do that experiment with myself? I don't understand, I really don't understand. I am not a foolish girl, and I am not entirely bad looking. Why was I shunned to this extent in life?

That is precisely the reason I haven't written so long. Because my so called bestest friend, who kissed me so so passionately and initiated a relationship of love without my asking, is probably honeymooning somewhere on earth, leaving me questioning myself - did he actually feel I'm an use and throw kinda whore when he said things like - I need to take a house of my own, can't stay as a PG - I need to hug you. Bloody swine has left such a gaping void in my life that I am boggled down with such small issues - I am rendered completely useless in the struggle for existence, and of course I have no right to bore to death the so called happy people on earth with my saga of unending agony. Do not read...do not come near me...I'm a black hole...a dementor kinda thing.

In the novel I just finished reading, Lord Shiva tells, there is no Vikarma (people who are supposedly being punished by God in this life, for the crime they committed in their last life). He says, in God's world decisions are taken in an absolutely random manner. If so, then there goes my last chance of blaming God as well - this, He never planned - it was RANDOM :D :D I became the fucking scapegoat of unplanned randomness.

Groggy with sleep...

It is a story of all my mornings...i.e. I can hardly open my eyes...I'd be so groggy with sleep. Would see the time with half open eyes (shit it is 9 already), would quickly check my mails on the mobile itself (why are the unread messages not appearing in bold, has anyone hacked my account overnight??? Oh they are bold alright, my vision is still hazy). Trying to get up from the bed, and I swear once again...which is the left slipper and which is the right one? You'd almost feel that I am drunk.

And then I remember - it is my work from home day. Oh how nice it is not to go to office...but then I log in the laptop and work starts pouring in. I'm still sleepy...

And then the news comes - and my head starts spinning - oh when do I finish learning just how much shameless one can get. And there is a deadline - so I cannot even mourn properly. Who says morning shows the day? The morning had started off happily enough.

I am terribly pathetically apprehensive these days. I am almost scared - scared of that stupid yellow fever vaccine - I want to run away. Why does life pose such threats to me? All I want is probably to hold my mom and sleep, and I am being transported to Africa instead of that...

Everything changed over the day, just my sleep didn't go away. Still tired - even more than I was earlier, feel like dying...

Apprehensions...

Africa...brings back myriads of memories. It used to be such a great feeling to be in the same timezone. Half my loneliness was gone by the very realization that he is awake and working and somewhere much nearer to me than rest of my loved ones. I remember the first aching realization of missing him. How I had finally managed to write the first mail to him. The initial chats on Facebook which I do not have (it didn't have the chat logging auto enabled that time)...then the first few chats on gtalk...the gradual strengthening of our bonding...what food, what work, what movies to watch in the evening, then bidding each other good night...he calling me Boo Boo for the first time...

All I have is apprehensions. I know it'd be too painful, but life has to move on. I know I can make a fool of myself at the client place...I am too weak - though I manage to have a shield round me...who knows better than me how fragile it is...

I don't know where God wants to take me. One colleague just suggested - when you are not getting married, why not travel around the world. Ya of course, as if I ran away from marriage...

I go back to the same place where from he had brought me the African tea planter, said it is him and asked me to take good care of him. I go there to mourn the fact that he never managed to take care of his Czech princess...never ever tried...