Kolkata...again...

I seek stability. Most of all, more than anything else in life. Homecoming is sweet, the only thorn that hurts is - this is but a transient phase. Two weeks will go by in a moment.

Not that I don't like Bangalore. As I was walking back home on Thursday evening, I did feel a pang. Felt as if I'd miss everything, each stall on the roadside, each individual doggy, black, brown or tawny colored, each familiar face, the myriad of thoughts I have in my mind, as I walk home, a time which is very much mine, very much stress free, after a long tiring day. Once I reach home new frustrations would start, existing confusions would persist. So I very much enjoy those few moments of walking - as my ipod would inevitably play.

I thought of writing a small entry one day, somehow that never happened. Now I don't remember the incidents clearly, but still want to write about it - so that I can explain what this walk means to me. That morning, so far as I remember, it was still October, and I was kind of on top of the world. As I walked towards the bus stand, I remembered Shanu. I somehow sketched a picture of visiting her once again in Delhi, this time not alone. Though I wholeheartedly admit I am a most imaginative person, still there is a distinct reason behind this particular thought. Those couple of days spent in Delhi were among my happiest. For I am quite sure now, I'll never have a baby girl, which has probably been my oldest dream in life. In Shanu I could see my own reflection. Her sulking, her tantrums, and her sitting in one corner, well hidden behind the sofa and shedding silent tears - her incessant attempts of keeping everyone happy and at the same time maintaining her whims - and all those times spent with her sitting on my belly and talking incessantly with me. "Pishi..." in her sweet shrill voice. And the thoughts would come to me once in a while, I was just realizing them, they were very nascent, but I'd still feel his nearness somehow, and get goosebumps...

So for some reason, I was weaving this sweet picture, when we were visiting Shanu, and I'd try my best to impress on her how stupid her uncle is :) Shanu has a great sense of humor. She knows only two Indian languages, Hindi and Bengali. She'd make sure that for people who don't know both, she speaks in the unknown language, so that she remains incomprehensible. Now, I just wondered what Shanu would probably do to her uncle, who unfortunately, cannot speak well in any language on earth.

Something went awry in a huge way that day. As I returned home that night, I reflected, how transformed my thoughts are. The morning's ideas were no more of any relevance. I silently apologized to Shanu, Shanu sweety, sorry, me and you won't ever be able to make fun of him I guess...I walked on...I looked around, I told myself, perhaps this is my life, this familiar road, walking back home everyday, the same shops, the same smell of food, people speaking on the phone, chatting with friends, boy and girl walking hand in hand, and me - just reminiscing or contemplating, never living in the present, never expecting anything to happen, which would make NOW worthwhile.

This walk in a way, symbolizes me, moving on for nothing. I don't know what lies ahead, all I know is, in all probability it is nothingness.

So...when at the end of that nothingness, there is a short visit to home, followed by void, more travel, more lack of plans and more unmet dreams, how on earth can someone be contented? Oh, if it were that I don't have the ingredients to cook, that could have been an unfortunate situation, and I'd rather remain hungry. But what does one do when the things just won't get cooked? they just remain raw, and I have to hold my patience - when 90% chance is that it'd get burnt? How long can someone keep hoping? At best I can get a new ration, get new vessels, new fuel too..but isn't it practically impossible to continue this experiment eternally?

I don't know...the sparrow outside the window, whom I met today afternoon, asked me to hold on...it was a tiny little being, perhaps not even fully grown. But it seemed wiser than me. "See, I'm just learning to fly...and you are thinking of giving up?"