Petty thoughts...

There are two kids with whom I am going out these days. They'd be hardly 25. Today I introduced them to Vinni and Bruno (the doggies in the neighborhood - where we take a walk after lunch). And we talked in general. I am getting emotional these days. I am harping on the same things. Funniest stuff is, I happened to tell them about Boo, not exactly revealing his identity (that I hopefully never will do)...but told our story in a broad outline.

I was wondering to myself, why exactly I told. When it is such a flop show, why am I publicizing it? To have sympathy is it? Well, I will be honest. I am a sympathy seeker, even after knowing how futile the sympathy is. But there is a certain charm in talking with young girls. They have a certain positivity, which me, my friends, and in general people of my age lack. They don't get overwhelmed by the situation.

I got a new neighbor today in my cubicle. A lady, who I thought was not so polite, when I didn't know her. Today we pretty much laughed aloud and she was in general good. She's given birth to a baby boy in September, came back after her sabbatical. She's also going through some personal crisis (also financial may be...she candidly admitted to me, that she can't afford to take leaves on loss of pay)...but coping up. I remembered having been hostile to her...never even spoke to her earlier, as I don't like rude people. But today I felt, who knows why someone behaves in a certain manner? Who knows what one has to go through?

I remember us having bitched about her also. She'd been in a same situation as I am today. Who knew what his apprehensions were, at that time. Had I known, I'd have cautioned myself. I now kind of know the future crystal clear. Still one hopes. I shall hope for another month or so. Then give up finally...

Back to routine...

Yesterday, I watched a movie. It is a movie he used to tell me about, one he likes a lot. While watching it I realized that, I have been bothering him. A lot. You should be in control of your own life. You don’t have any right to beg somebody else to help you out, when you are in a soup. I was looking up my wish list. A very funny wish list, I must say. I shall tell you about it some other day. But I have no right to make him a scapegoat to fulfil my stupid wishes. Today he stands clean, and I realize my mistake. My life, belongs to me, and nobody else :)
The night was kind of difficult. I dreamt strange dreams. I don’t remember it vividly, but it was a congregation near the lift, of well…rather well dressed people. I don’t remember the faces exactly – but didn’t seem to be too unfamiliar too. I have this fascination for elevator ever since my school days. It was out of bounds for students – and you know what “anything” out of bounds would mean to young minds. Anyways, coming back to the story, I discovered disastrous facts while talking with the crowd near the lift. It seemed that I couldn’t pass in my MBA exams, and I have to take it 1 year later. It also appeared that, somehow, I haven’t passed in my 4th subject in class XII (that was statistics…I very well remember I got some 65% or so)…it seems as it was only a 4th subject, I was allowed to continue with my studies so far, but now, I must clear that paper for further studies. I don’t know what crap dream it was, but shook me up quite a lot in the morning. Somehow made me feel – God, there can be even bigger problems than my altercations with K :P

Afterwards...

Have you ever faced a situation when grief has made you quite speechless, yet in the back of your mind, a song is going on, which tells about dreams coming true?
Can there be so much self denial? Can human feeling change so radically – that it becomes non -existent? I just tell myself, I cannot hope. I shouldn’t hope. And then, when I’m walking down the road, some biker just fidgets with his helmet visor, and I feel a pang. I just see the road where we had walked across for the first time – he squeezing my hand and begging for the Chevrolet Beat, it’s the same road, but he is nowhere to be seen.
I must accept that I have lost him. I must accept that he never loved me in a way I wanted. He never loved me back. Period. Men do a lot of things in life, without actually feeling anything in their mind. I was a fool to have thought otherwise. I am a fool. It is not yet a past tense. I continue to be an idiot.
But you know what? If he ever talks again with me, I’ll dance with joy. If he ever kisses me again, I’ll be on seventh heaven. And if ever he decides to love me – I might stop breathing…
And you know what will happen in reality? He will never talk. In few months he will get married. And I shall live on with the fact that once again I got involved in a relationship and couldn’t make it work.
I will always regret having ruined our friendship. However, let us stop harping on this...

Aamar e mon bujhi mon noy?

Today - 23rd Jan, 2012
--------------------------
Ami ki jaani ami chup kore achhi keno?
Ami ki jaani ami eka eka banchi keno?
Ami ki jaani sab aalo nibhe galo keno?
Ami ki jaani tumi eshe chole gele keno?

Friday - 13th Jan, 2012
-------------------------
Maa go aamar swapno biheen bhore-
Achamka keno jantrona kora nare?
Maa go , aamar bishmoy antore-
Morichika keno matha khunre khunre morey?
Maa go aamar banchar sadh ki nei?
Naki nei haye sadhyo ba adhikar?
Maa go niswas theme theme keno boy?
Maa go pran achhe, nei keno tabe sar?

The day it all began - Tuesday, 28th Jun, 2011
----------------------------------------------
Golaap ranger swapnogulor eikhanetei sesh;
Aamar bujhi bhabte achhe, emon holei besh!
Aamar bujhi porte achhe nanan ranger churi?
Thont rangiye, kajol diye, saajte achhe pari?
Aamar achhe andhar pathar, nishesh chola pathe-
Ekla lagle bolte achhe, nei keno keu saathe?
Aamar bujhi melte achhe bhabishyate pakhna?
Aaj dinta bheshe thaki, kal dube jai - jakna!

Aamar achhe bastobmoy nispriho benche thaka,
Hasio nei, kannao nei, moner kuthuri phanka;
Aabeg naam er bostu ta je ki, ami ta jante chaina-
Aar panchta jeeboner saathe mil kichhu khunje paina;
Ishwar e nei biswas, nei bhalo mander chetona-
Bidroho noy, bisram chai - aar beshi bancha jetona...

Ja kichhu giyechhe paoa...se aamar noy...

Well...a lot of things happened, since the time I last wrote here. Worst was probably the news of suicide of a colleague. I knew her, only 25, very childish, very lively. Don't know what went wrong. A very similar story as mine, of broken faith, but when I chose to survive, at 32, she had at least 7 more years ever to reach my stage. Why do people give in so easily?

I tried to justify the decision in my mind. Told myself, it's me who's a coward. I am scared to physically hurt myself in an attempt to die. Be it whatever, I finally decided I am not going for it. I am happy enough, even if I'm lonely.

But the incident got me quite broken. There is an online help email id, I wrote there. They don't give advice, they just listen patiently and help one resolve their thoughts. It helped a lot.

In times of need, you can try these sites:
http://helpguide.org/
http://www.samaritans.org/

They say when you are weak, you are most likely to be duped. And I fell pray to even that. There was this astrologer lady, who was sending me mails continuously. And I being the logical me, was ignoring them. I don't know what happened on Saturday. Again, 1 and a 1/2 day pent up inside the shabby room, I was feeling stifled. When I saw this new mail from the lady, saying time is running out for me. I was feeling so so suicidal then, that I could do anything for myself. I went to the website and gave her my credit card info. And then, good sense came back. I googled on her and realized she's a hoax. Thankfully I called the credit card company in time, and they were able to block the card before the transaction was made (again thanks to the habit of Europeans not working over the weekend).

I was absolutely depleted yesterday. Now I can at least breathe. Yesterday I felt I'd die. I don't know if I really had died for some time. Till this morning I felt quite dead. You should have seen me. Somehow I set out for office. Mid way I felt faint, and somehow managed to signal an auto rickshaw. The guy just pushed me aside and drove on, didn't even say no properly. I was so taken aback. I steadied myself and moved to the nearest shop, and took a plate of idli. I hadn't eaten anything except a biscuit or two for the last 24 hours.

Don't pity me, for today I'm better. I get better if I have work. I am such a diligent worker, that even my dead body would finish the work first and then get cremated. I worship three things on earth, work, love and truth.

But still, my loss will always be there...always...

Ode to my iPod...but can it replace my best friend?

It feels good to have done all you could have done. I think I have been saying this more often recently. I am plain and simple proud of myself. Way I have handled the situation. Trust me, I am not made up of champion material. I was on the verge of giving up. But thank God, I didn't end up becoming a loser. Neither have I lost hope. Hope about life, hope about sustenance of our relationship, hope about good things. I did all that was possible for me. Allowed myself ample rest, but didn't skip office (except for the morning after my beer pitcher), did my work moderately well (thank God again, that there was not much work - I was a bit sluggish, but didn't leave anything pending), tried to find actual ways of self betterment (and the betterment of my best friend as well), did extensive reading to explore our psychological situation (and I wrote to a psychotherapist as well). It's been a very much Forrest Gumpish existence in the recent days, (ran, slept etc etc) - but at length I am happy. Happy to have done everything, and now I simply wait for the results.

I must thank my iPod. 4 years 2 months back, when I got it for myself, I never knew it'd become such a good friend. Somehow it manages to play just the right tracks for me (I always put it in shuffle mode).

Tell you what, the futility is still there. I cried a lot last night. It is so difficult to do away without a family life. Nuances yes, but necessary nuances right? Sunday, dad's brother in law died, Wednesday, mom's youngest cousin got married. They participated in both, were with each other. It's never my family or your family, it's always, our extended family. To think I will never have someone to share this kind of feeling, is indeed disheartening. But practically, there's a very remote possibility now. I am a stupid girl I know. After everything, I trusted him. But can I trust another time? I don't think so. You see, it's a bigger woe to have lost your best friend, than to have lost your lover. May be miracles happen. But I needn't count on them anymore.

Untitled thoughts 2...

Apparently blogging, facebook etc are good for health. I personally don't like facebook(though I do have a profile) - because I feel it is too intrusive. Blog is low profile. See, the whole reason why I am writing online and not in my diary, is, in the hope that somebody hears me out. But that, actually, is all I want. Hear. Read. Don't respond.

Me and my friend were discussing the other day about the impact of seeing a distressed person in front of you. She was telling me about fighting couples and girls crying in the bus/metro. She doesn't know what to do. She can't remain aloof when someone is in so much trouble, neither can she reach out to the unknown person. I can tell about the other side. I have cried in public transport. Had someone (known or unknown to me) would have tried to comfort me in that situation, I'd have been greatly irritated and might even have blasted them. The only reason I'm crying in public is, I can't hold back my emotions till I reach my bedroom. I need to vent them out right now, or else I might collapse. I just need the release, I don't need anyone's pity.

And even if you try, can you really help? Anyways there's nothing as complex as human mind, there's no way you can fathom it. Today, while I was walking towards office, I saw some jute bags tied at the mouth, some living beings were struggling inside them. I am very sure they are street dogs, I know each one of them by face, for a stretch of at least 1 km around my office, and I couldn't see any of them around. I am just getting immune to these things. People simply don't care. My best friend doesn't care for me, as I have been demanding justice from him, is just the least of them. My uncle died, and his son is gonna buy his first car the next day - he's busy celebrating that. I wonder where the world is going? So how can you ever understand why someone is hurt, or why someone has hurt? We, the modern day people are just like islands. We enjoy individual heavens, we burn in our own hells. No sharing, no caring.

I don't think I'm being a pessimist. I'm just being neutral. I used to feel this way a year back. Then he came. He brought me back to mainstream life. Where, despite everything, we try to live. I gradually started dreaming about marriage, children, family outings, fun, what not. Now that I'm back to my island existence, I am quite contented. Got a new game to play in my new mobile, got quite addicted to it, made high scores, so having a good time :)

Untitled thoughts...

Some thoughts, some incidents...that's what I'm gonna write about today. I know my thoughts are becoming repetitive, but given my gluing properties, when can I think beyond the problem at hand?

I'm pretty relaxed otherwise. But once in a while negative thoughts come over, mingled with memories of our good old days of friendship. We used to bitch like buddies...once in a while I'd scream and say, man, you are not at all a gentleman. He'd give a condescending smile and say, I am not a gentleman...

In one of these days we were discussing a certain colleague. "He's a psycho"...he'd say. "No way", I'd say, "He's a perfect gentleman" - you see...first thing is except idiocy (lying, bossing and boasting, I have grown to tolerate to some extent), there's hardly any negative quality I see in a person, and then, this guy had become quite a good friend. It was then that he'd tell me the stories of his folly, stories I had already heard from other people. This guy was so desperate about marriage, that he'd follow new girls in the company, and reach up to their home in pursuit. We'd laugh a lot, and then I'd again try to protect this guy, and talk to him about what follies I had committed with the same goal in mind. The navy guy, the Mumbai guy, the Egypt guy, the famous stupidities of my life.

What does he think now, I wonder. Makes fun of me in his mind? Compare me to this colleague thinking that I am equally crazy about marriage? And then I remember our moments together. About whom am I thinking like this? My best friend? The guy who has literally cradled me through all tough times? The guy who never says no to anything I do (except probably eating food that's dropped on the table or his leftovers - the no wastage freak that I am). Who taught me to follow my mind, to be myself, to stop being apprehensive about everything. Why on earth should he have such ideas about me today - does he not know me inside out for a long time now. And flashes would come back - me breaking down into spontaneous tears, and he asking...tell me sweetie, what is it? It's only me...now that I have finally told...it doesn't matter to him anymore...

A girl in the office came back today from her hometown. Poor kid had been facing a lot of hardships. Had been into a divorce like situation - but thankfully matters were resolved today. She fought her bad time so bravely, hardly let anybody know about her misfortune, but today you should see her. She's literally coaxing people to see her marriage album. Girls are like that only, they'd go overboard when something good happens. You should have seen me on October 15. I literally felt I don't need anything else on earth, I have got all I ever wanted. I'd still label it as the only miracle that ever happened in my life.

All said and done, I am gradually going back to my usual life. I am doing a bit of office work, which thankfully is keeping me engaged. I am still averse to seeing the doctor, but at least I am taking self prescribed medicines (don't know if that's good or worse). I can't read long enough, but still I target and read 30 pages or so every night (though I'd be very fidgety and revolting). I still don't watch movies or TV, but that night I managed to watch Exorcist with my bro, and quite liked it. And meanwhile I keep praying to God, God Who has always been my friend, despite all He did to me...make this miracle happen, I know You can...

Who knows if the miracle will happen again or not? All I want is - reason enough that I am never forced to blame the person I have loved so much...he is my cutie pie...I just don't want to judge him...I know there's no way I can revive our sweet old friendship, just wanna have good thoughts about the past.

Today I celebrate 7 years of joining my first IT company. 7 years of living away from home. A journey from being 25 to being 32, 49 kgs to 67 kgs, having hundreds of friends to friends you can count by your fingers, software engineer to manager, pauper to millionaire, dreamer to loner - a day worth celebrating no?

End of desperation...

All this while, I have been talking about giving up. Why should I give up? I choose to be a survivor. What I could do, I have done. I think I have shown him the entire truth, now if he chooses to be blind, that should not be my problem.

It felt so lonely to have finally lost him. If I had wanted I could have maintained our friendship, but after a lot of deliberation, I am quite sure now, that's not what I want. And that won't help us anyways. Loneliness has a certain virtue. It gives you a lot of courage and strength. But it definitely doesn't take away the pain.

Thank God I won't be bothered by questions such as, "how did he change so much", "did he never love me" etc. anymore. I know the answer to that. One clear, emotionless, factual and extremely sweet "Ok, I love you". If he doesn't want to take it forward, I don't want to coax him anymore. I did ask him, if he's happy after telling this. He said yes. So after that, I can safely leave it to him. I can hope, I can have faith, but I cannot nag. And I cannot continue this stupid friendship, when all we need is to be with each other for life. Moving on is definitely not on the cards, but survival is :)

Friday the 13th :)

“Subarnalata” is not my type of story. My type of story would be with soft spoken, dreamy, romantic girls. She is a rather strong lady. Though she is deeply, severely hurt, she never gives up.
These days, every night, after returning home, I read a bit of her story. Then I sleep. Inevitably, I’ll wake up early in the dawn because of the some discomfort or the other. When it is time to come to office, I’d have to plead with myself.
After Sunday, I kept wondering about the consequences. I wrote yesterday about the blank decision box, right. Neither did I know what question to ask inside it, nor did I know where the yes/no branches might head to. My favourite “Kareeb” song:
“Jaane kyon ruki hai zindagi…tham gayi hai kyon…gujarti nahi…”
Was it a slap on my face? I already knew in my heart of hearts right, that the outcome of all my hard work would be negative. It’s only me, who has been demanding estrangement. So, when it finally comes, why the sudden jolt of pain? My favourite “OSO” song:
“Chhan se jo tutey koi sapna…jag suna suna lage…jag suna suna lage re…Koi rahe na jab apna…jag suna suna lage…jag suna suna lage re…”
She died at 50. I don’t know when death will finally embrace me. Till that point, this pain will be there.
I sat quietly at my desk, with the song going on in my mind – “Mere saajan hai us par…main mann maar…hun is paar…o mere majhi abki baar…le chal paar…le chal paar” – and thought, why do I love music so much? May be so that it can keep me alive in the worst of times.
As usual, me, the elder sister of myself, try my best to comfort. The day moves on. His laughter comes vaguely to my ears. I go all cold and numb. But still I breathe on...
"Aankhen na kholun main...shayad sapna ho..."
"Mujhe gham bhi unka ajeez hai...ke unhi ki di hui cheez hai..."
Like waves lash on the shore, songs lash on my mind. A smile comes up.
"Bodhua aamar chokhe jol enechhe haye...bina karone..."

The incorrigible me…

Now this is definitely something new. The fear factor and the cold feet I felt today. Actually there was no issue at all…I send out couple of mails from a generic id as well – as and when there is any media mention for our company, or it has bagged some big project. Bcc field is the global id for the company, whereas in To: we need to give some dummy id. I missed the dummy. When the mail was sent out today, it showed undisclosed-recipients in the To field.
A small mistake. Who would notice? Anyways it was office internal. But I started panicking. They’d get to know I’m absolutely idle. I have become wary of minute details. A thousand thoughts came to mind. Strange thing to happen, considering I was all set to resign couple of days back. But it was kind of, the perfectionist in me was pining away. Never in my life have I so consciously ignored work or been casual about it. This is not me.
Where am I going? Yesterday, I suddenly remembered my childhood computer classes. I have always been a good programmer, a real good logical thinker. Never did I need a flow chart kind of thing to write my program. I used to write and run the program first. Since drawing the flow chart was mandatory in school, and it carried marks, I used to literally derive the flowchart from the program itself. I could think in the programming language itself, you see (it was gwbasic then). And I was totally result oriented. Never believed in planning. Ends, you see, and not the means, are important to me. Yet, yesterday, after I wrote my blog entry, you know what I did? I opened a blank word document, and drew a decision box there. And then I sat staring at it. What else to do? I wanted to analyze the current situation. I failed miserably. Never been able to handle a standalone flowchart in my lifetime :(
I cannot allow this weakness to continue. I must live. I must collect my thoughts and try to sort out the situation. I know I am amply scared now. What with the mistakes and disinterest at work – which never happened before, the ramifications of a failing health (it’s scary, the blood loss, the upset stomach, the red eye – all at the same time), the queasy feeling of indecision – with everything on me, I simply want to break free, and breathe normally…
Yet, let me make it particularly clear that “suggestions” and “advices” are not required. I have always been able to handle my life, and would prefer to be left alone. Never paid heed to anybody except myself, and always will be that way :)

Road map...or the lack of it :)

For the first time in my life, the future seems so blurry. You might laugh. You might say, she’s always so uncertain about her life, how can this be the first time. Wrong idea. Let us take up examples.
School. I never had any doubt about what I want. To excel in studies and to please my parents were the primary objectives. May be a love interest or two, as I grew up, but that again was because of my insecurities. The inevitable Sagittarian fantasy world, where everything is perfect.
College. Once again, very focused. I need to make good results and become an engineer. Why? Because I have always dreamt so. Why have I dreamt so? Because my father’s an engineer, and all my life I have wanted to become like him. Stupid, but crystal clear road map. Love interest continues, I have failures, but they simply add to the usual drama of life, the fact that I have a kind of pleasure thinking I’m such an ill-fated person. Nothing more than that.
University. First time I realize I need to study, because it’s not in my nature to sit idle at home. I can’t ever be a housewife like my mom. Surprisingly, till that time, I never discovered this. I was pretty ok not to work. To get married after I complete my degree. After I got my first job, everything changed. I was still in the university. Got selected for a research project. First day of work, I got up early, ironed my clothes, and in my mind I knew, I have changed.
After that, frankly speaking, I never felt a lack of motivation - about why to live life, till 2010. I had plenty on my plate. Mostly, primarily my family. I never had time to breathe, till I had saved enough money to build the house properly, and then to save some more money for emergency situations. We were paupers u see, when I started to work. Marriage, was out of question. I remember, I used to tell Anand, we’d go to Calcutta, we’ll settle down there. I rarely thought anything above and beyond my family. “Earn money, look after your parents” was the motto of life. If marriage could walk along with that, well and good. Else, who cares.
On the personal front, by this time, failure had become kind of a routine. Nothing worked. But I was quite a child in my mind. I didn’t understand the basic necessities of life. All I wanted was a loving husband, whom I could look up to. Problem was, till 2010 I didn’t know a void in life. And I was busy. Busy with work, busy dealing with everyday problems – never had any time or inclination to think deeply. As my MBA finals got over, as I resigned from my previous job, as I suffered from minor setbacks when I tried a quick way out to settle down in life, I gradually discovered, I am quite on the brink. I don’t have anything to do, any life to look forward to. It was pretty shocking.
I looked around and discovered, all my friends are married. They don’t have time for me. I’m too proud to beg and plead. I saw, my parents are quite happy and contented with their retired life. They sit together, talk, watch TV, go out once in a while, and have get together-s with friends, they don’t have any void like me. I discovered, I am sitting on a pile of money, but I don’t have the urge to spend it on myself. I discovered, I have given up on life. I hate the very things I loved. I hate the sight of my storybooks, I hate to work. I want a family. I want to cook for them, travel with them, give all my care and support. And apparently, for the simple reason that I cannot compromise on my basic ideas in life, there is no hope left for me, to give myself any light in this direction.
So you see, all of a sudden, after 32 years, things have changed. I don’t need to care anymore for my parents, they are pretty well cared for. I don’t need more provision for emergency, what is there would suffice. For the first time in life, I am worrying about the entity “ME”. In the true physical sense. Not in the dreamworld sense of getting a lover, who’s a great man. I need a husband with whom I can start my family. He can have blemishes in him, but I still must be able to look up to him. And we still need to share that love, which becomes so doubtful in an arranged marriage. So…it still needs to be a love marriage :)
Today, on Rahul Dravid’s 39th birthday, I can see, it’s all a blur. Rahul has been with me since school probably. I have always wanted to marry him. I’d get down from the bus, midway, and go to a cyber café, just because I felt like seeing his pictures on the net (there was no computer at home then). First time I stepped in Bangalore, first thing I felt was, I am nearer to him. Well, everyone has crushes on celebrities, but mine was stupidly real. So, I chose this day to write about my self-introspection. I don’t know what the future holds for me. As on today, I don’t have a driving force. Nothing to keep me alive, move me forward. I don’t have a plan, a vision or a mission :) If ever I craved for supernatural interference, it is now…

Getting drunk...

It was great getting drunk for the first time. In fact, almost one day later, I am still drunk. It's pleasant. You particularly become aware of it when you walk. Your head spins a bit, and the steps are haphazard. But somewhere there's a rhythm. It was lovely to get drunk. I want to do it again. Boo suggested 2 weeks, but I guess 1 year gap should be fine :)

What a crybaby God has made me. Had I not cried so much yesterday, I wouldn't have gone drinking. I had decided in my mind that we'd go to the Ragigudda temple. That's one of my most favorite temples in Bangalore. But at times, you just give in - he was tired of listening to me and needed a drink(at least that's what he said).

I quite competed with him. My eyes were already red and swollen from crying, after the first pitcher was over, my face was also flushed pink. We went on to finish a second pitcher, and the waiter candidly asked us, "you want another one?" He must be pretty familiar with the problems of seasoned drinkers and disturbed lovers.

Head was throbbing while we were driving back. All night I couldn't sleep. I kept praying to God. I kept remembering Saradindu. The first part might be genuinely understandable. The second part is definitely curious. But then, this is another guy I am blind about. I kept asking him, why does your theory about agni and ghee fail? Early morning I felt, may be there is more than that to a man-woman relationship. May be there is a father and daughter. May be there is a best friends.

My Boo's not a hungry monster like other men (when you are drunk, why is it that you want to replace the word men with bustards?) And you know what, the only trouble I had in mind till date was, he has never been unhappy. His happiness was like a wall between us. Yesterday's drink destroyed that wall. Was I happy to know he's also seen hell? No, but I felt inclined to forget my problems for the time being, and bring him out of his unrealistic world. Damn, nobody harms my Boo, the Durga Mata in me awakened and said :)

It was fun. I never lost my senses. Just the control on my steps. My health is completely gone. It will only get well, when things are fine. This much I can make out. But it was good of him to at least fulfill two of my wishes. For a long time I wanted to cook something proper for him (apart from khichdi, eggburji and daal chawal). We cooked pulao and egg curry yesterday. Well, you know, even if I am not given a 5 star kitchen, I can cook pretty well. Especially the pulao is becoming better every time. And then, I wanted to get drunk. When at night, we were returning home, he said, "Boo, you wanted to get drunk, I have got you drunk". I replied from behind him, "Idiot, I wanted to get drunk, to be able to propose to you". He replied from front, "You know what, you got drunk and proposed to me". Tell you, it was particularly hilarious.

But it feels good to have done all you could. You can now blame your fate, but you can't blame yourself. And what happens to my job? I didn't go to office today. So I couldn't resign. How will it look when the alliances manager walks like a drunkard and talks with a slurred speech? Who would understand that the alliances manager was busy planning her own alliance? In the process she got a leeeeeetle drunk :) :)

See, it's always worthwhile to live. Had I gotten married two years back, I'd never had so much fun yesterday. Told you, way he has allowed me to live, no man ever has. He gives me complete freedom. Be yourself and do whatever you want, you are my equal. What did he say? "You are my best buddy...but when did you become such a trouble maker?" Man, swear on God, I never knew the effect of alcohol remains one full day.

My baby, it's true that I had to kill you, but trust me, I'd go to any extent to bring you back. You'll come back and you'll live. I never forget you, but I have now come out of the guilt. I shall give you a good life. At least, I'll try my best. The world is not a good place you see...

Decision...

It was a great relief to have finally taken the decision. Anand used to say, do your best and leave the rest. I remembered him a little bit. Tarun used to say, mere mann ko bhaya, maine kutta kaatke khaya. I felt as if he is comforting me. After all I am my dad’s daughter. If he could give up when both his kids were going to college/school, and just sit at home for one month with a 1000 Rupees bank balance, I guess I can definitely give up my job. I am not blaming anyone for this. I feel I have done several mistakes in life. I haven’t been a good judge of people, have always been making myself vulnerable. I need a punishment. In fact it should have come long back. And also, as a matter of fact, I’m not sure if what I am giving myself is punishment or prize. For a long time now I have wanted to go back to Kolkata. To home. I should actually feel delighted.
At max they can give me a 2 months’ notice period. Which they won’t. Because I am currently a liability on the company. I’m not doing anything worthwhile and just taking salary month after month. They’d be happy to release me. Nobody loses anything from my decision (this is something I always tend to ensure – I shouldn’t harm anyone). I also have a call with the client manager today, I hope he won’t say he has immediate work – in that case I’m free to go.
As I wrote that I tend to ensure I don’t cause any harm, I remember few insignificant incidents. There were two guys in school, one a black spectacled guy, and another, a pretty stupid looking guy. Then this guy in college, whom was again black and so thin, that I used to call him 1-D. And then this fair, good looking guy in university (who had lot many degrees) but a job with a nominal pay. I guess, in totality, these were the four guys who had proposed to me and I hadn’t accepted. I wonder today, if I have really caused any harm to them. Well, we can leave out the last one, as I had actually accepted the proposal, but later on he broke up with me suspecting infidelity, and nowadays, even after his marriage, he says he’s still in love with me. So he must be mad, and I have nothing to do with him. We can also leave out the last but one, because he’s happily married with another batchmate, and has a beautiful kid. The first two guys, in all probability must have moved on in life. I’m not that important. I once had a classmate, whose mother used to be a celebrated beauty. She said once, that a lover of the lady had committed suicide. When my friend’s father passed away, at a rather early age (he had cancer), I was wondering if her mom would have blamed her arrogance to account for this mishap. You always get paid back, you see, some way or the other.
As I remember during any difficult phase of life, I happened to remember Subhadeep, Pampa and Samapti. Subhadeep, my classmate since nursery, had a hole in his heart, died at 17. It seems he ate a lot, drank a lot, and danced a lot during Durga Puja that year, and then finally succumbed. Living life to the fullest, is it? He was the only child. I often wonder about his parents. How are they coping up? I could never have my child. Is my pain greater, or theirs? Pampa was a sad outcome of autocracy. Our’s was a private college and we were the first batch. Some teacher decided to do a stress testing during the electronics lab exam. She thought she might fail. She came from a poor family, had probably taken education loan, she couldn’t bear the situation and took pesticide. After the results were out that sem, we found that she has got highest marks in 6 subjects. Poor girl had no way of knowing this. I had tried my best to save Samapti from the same fate. She had psychological problems, and was thrown out of the college. I tried to keep in touch with her, convinced her to get a pass course degree. But finally, after I had come to Bangalore, I learnt through newspaper that she’s committed suicide. I feel particularly guilty when I remember her father, holding my hand and thanking me for helping her daughter. In what way did I help?
Then there’s this friend of mine. I used to think she’s a perfect doll. Was among the prettiest and most intelligent girls in school. She got into a wrong relationship and screwed up her board results. Then after completing her polytechnic degree, she came back to our college as a 2nd year lateral to study engineering. Once I graduated, I lost touch with her. Again through newspaper I got the news of her death. She got a rare type of cancer which had no treatment. Her father was some bigshot doctor, yet he couldn’t do anything. Worse thing is, her husband, who’s a doctor himself, said, they must have withheld the information of her disease and gotten her married. He didn’t come once to meet her in her last days, despite her pleadings. All these came in the newspaper, my mom told me. I hope I never get to meet this guy in person. He might not live after that.
Then there are the sudden accidents. A guy from school was run over by a truck, just last year. A student in the college where I taught, died in a hit and run accident. You hear about these accidents every now and then, right? But do you ever think what happens to the family afterwards? The numerous people who are enjoying themselves, celebrating life, do they ever think just in how many ways things might go wrong? Nobody does, because they have this fuel called hope.
I too had it, a while back. Although these few incidents never left my mind, I still dreamt of success and happiness. Of miracles. Now I have totally run out of the fuel. I can’t move on. There’s nothing upsetting or unnerving about it. On the contrary it is pretty blissful. It has been a pretty eventful life. Except getting married and having a baby, I have done almost everything that a girl is supposed to have done by the age of 32. I have always said, I tend to accept. I am accepting this option of getting some rest, with a happy and grateful heart.
I thought of giving a parting speech to Karthik, but it is much better to write it here. No point wasting his time, you see. So here it goes:
“I should thank you. For the last one year, you are the only reason why I have lived. You have kept me alive. I owe this one year of life entirely to you. What happened October onwards was not in our hand. Some things in life are predetermined. We walked the same road but couldn’t reach the same destination. It was not possible. You don’t get involved, and involvement and emotion run in my veins. You chose to forsake love, I choose to forsake everything else for love. It’s a personal decision. Don’t ever feel you are responsible for that. You have a happy life, that is very important to me. “
Hopefully I’ll be back home by February. It’d start getting hot from March. I need an AC. Would it be a prudent thing to buy an AC when I don’t have a job? Who cares? See, after everything, I do wanna live :)