As I keep thinking, nothing concrete really comes up in my mind. I keep thinking, get tired, sleep off, again wake up and start thinking. Ya, on one hand, it's true that I worry less. In fact I don't worry at all. People don't return my money, I wait patiently and I am pretty confident that after a certain time, I'll ask for it. That my entire onsite money is at stake due to some sudden process change, is also not a matter of concern. What if I lose it? How does it matter? I'm all set to lose bigger things here...
I don't worry anymore about petty accounts maintenance. As I was telling a friend today, I feel like the lamb who is about to be killed. These two years were so calm and quiet and risk free. I almost love the time now. Who wants to eat when you are being fed to die fat?
As is the human habit, grass is always greener on the other side. I miss those small 10 min coffee sessions, 5 min walks and 2 min conversations at our desks.I had only one friend here. I have lost him. Lost even my liberty to talk to him whenever I want, and take advantage of him at whatever time I wish. Whatever I have gained in exchange, if at all I have gained anything, seems insignificant. And my greatest fear keeps tormenting me, that sooner or later he'll repent about this.
First and foremost, I wish I had some work in the office. That I don't have, and as it seems, I might not have in the next two weeks. Work would at least make me think less, if nothing else. I never expected in my wildest dreams that this would happen. I won't deny that at the spur of the moment it made me happy. But afterwards, I'm mostly sad. I'm like vacuum, I'm like black hole. I tend to engulf everything. I have faced such a destructive void in the last two years, that it can't be filled up by one man's one night's attention. And I can't demand more than that. He is a fun loving guy full of life. I can't make him part of my agonies.
So all I do is to drift about in my dreams. I replay the events in my mind again and again. I don't ask questions. I accept this as a miracle, and equally as much, an one time occurrence. I was joking with myself yesterday, that this was Harry Potter's Diwali gift to me. Which perhaps might not even last till Diwali. Problem is, my mind, which remains quite impertinent and alert, asks me back, "Did we ever ask for this?"
Hell, why me? I don't have the ability to bear more pain. Why am I being made the guinea pig? I'm very sure and certain about something, if a moment's joy is all that God can afford to give me, then I don't want it. The price I have to pay for it is extremely hefty.
At the same time, who will tell me how I can afford to look away from it? You have kept the lamb starving for years. Now you bring it food, and tell it, "Eat, and then I stab you". How cruel and gruesome is that?
As of now I don't know if I were happy once upon a time. I know that I am unable to control my tears. Pain is something which you can't deny, when you feel it. Perhaps, my pain is too exhaustive. Even miracles can't heal it. My mind keeps telling me, run, run, run now. I really have an unquenchable thirst for life. I don't want to die, not yet. When he was a dream, a mere wish in my mind, I never had the fear of losing him. I definitely think that was a better time.
I, like Mrinalini, know only one kind of love. Even if I try to take revenge and live a parallel life myself, it hurts me only. Better to give up everything. Better to go back to Kolkata. God doesn't give everyone equal joy. But I don't want to give up on life yet. I really don't.
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