Monday, February 18, 2013

Pupu Doll...

Hag is what I had described myself under a spell of utter depression in my last entry. And then I curiously looked up the meaning:


hag  

/hag/
Noun
  1. A witch, esp. one in the form of an ugly old woman (often used to disparage a woman).


And I could hardly stop laughing - though at a later point in time. Me being described thus was indeed hilarious. Come on, I am after all the sweetest girl on earth - and may be the most intelligent one too (at least more than one of my friends think so and have expressed this opinion under no influence of coercion whatsoever :P)

You know what, the guy who makes me feel like this - I should rather stop giving him any importance right away. May be once upon a time he was a good friend, but after what he has turned out to be, he doesn't deserve recognition in any form, least of all through my precious love. I am not a hag. Period.

So I went n had fruit salad and cold horlicks, and entertained myself by buying a new bottle of purple nail polish. Ya if u see my long bluish purple nails now you might remember someone from the "chudail" genre - but what the hell...I love looking pretty - and it is such a fashionable color too :)

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Take away my dreams...

Trust me, it does get a bit beyond me at times. This constant dreaming - about someone I don't want to dream about. He is not a part of my life any more, except that yes, it is supposed to hurt when a part of you is yanked out and served to someone else. But that's it, and I am not going to let it torture me beyond that. Then oh why do I dream so much about him. It is as if I can't open my eyes, and head is splitting, still I want to hold on to the stupid dreams. I grope in my medicine box, I need a painkiller badly. The strip is torn, I can see manufacture date as Nov 2009 and expiry date is not visible. Hell should I have it, it must well have expired by now (I particularly made it a point to stop having painkillers long back - because I heard somewhere that they can impact pregnancy) - Then I laugh aloud like a maniac and pop the pill. What, I will die? I won't have a baby? Anyways that's exactly what's going to happen. Why bother.

You'd be amazed to know that even in those stupid dreams he doesn't happen to love me. Most of the time I am apprehensive in them. That he'd steal away to one of his sweet girls and leave me alone. I open Facebook for timepass, and see my friends who look like models, have jobs, fat paychecks, husbands and kids, and if no kid, then it is by choice. They are my batchmates, we are supposed to be of the same age, they look like college girls and I look like an old, tired and trodden hag. I hate the mirror, I want to hurl a stone at it. I hate the way I count money and make various plans - to grow it a bit so that I can sustain life. All those plans tell me I am never going to spend my money, never going to enjoy life. I remember the happy girl who had gone over to visit the Skoda factory 1.5 yrs back. Situation was exactly same, but the immense pain of betrayal was not there. I still had a mind sane enough so as not to think of every person on earth as non trustworthy, and think of God taking pleasure in being nasty with me. I hate it, I am going berserk - I cannot survive these last few days - please ask him to go away, I hate the sight and sound of him...Boo Boo I hate you, I hate you - please go away.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Small talk aur aap...

Valentine's day brought you back. An inconsequential chat with an old friend (you remember - isi mahine ke 26 ko - the girl who joined our team on 26th Nov) - she pinged just like that to inquire if I happen to know any Marathi groom from 32-35, for a friend of hers. Well you see, I didn't take it too lightly, when someone wants to match make I always try to help...I know how difficult staying lonely is...

So I said...I'll look...and pinged a couple of friends asking for information...and then small talk continued....

Small talk incorporates a lot of lying.

She: So...how's life?
Me: Going on...
She: You were thinking of moving to Kolkata? Found anything?
Me: Din't look re...I am rather comfortable in my current job - since it is a small place, there's a lot of appreciation
She: Ohh anyone would appreciate you..."T" did...
Me: Leave "T" - he was more a friend than a boss, so his appreciation doesn't count...

...said it coolly enough...but then myriads of pictures came back...जग बिस्राके आठो पहेरिया मोरे ही गुण गातेट्ठे - भा गयी का कोई सौतन ओका, मोरा कछु भाबत नाही - मोरा पिया मोहसे बोलत नाही...

You know bossie, I often scold myself these days. Call myself an idiot. At the age of 28, I fell in love with you like a teenager and wasted every prospect of a normal future. At 28 I was still pretty, and more welcome in the flesh market called arranged marriage (ohh these days they have this tendency in India to take any comment to a personal level and initiate a legal procedure - so Disclaimer: Purely personal opinion - no intention to hurt anyone's tradition or belief) - but then you can't explain these things to one who hasn't known love. Who will ever know the magic that love is, bossie. I am one lucky girl who knows exactly how it feels. To sink in a warm comforting dream like bubble. With you "love" was rather perfunctory, it was more a dream. But with my Boo, it was so so real. Believe me or not, the magic of our first kiss still lingers, and so does our last kiss. It happened just 5 months back, and by the 6th month he'd have chosen someone from the same flesh market and perpetuated the social bond. As our bond was only emotional, it is now non existent. Since I don't find a place in that market, in this viable die-able age, I am a misfit, a loser probably. I don't have a boyfriend, or a so called relationship - so Valentine's day is not meant for me. 

But आप हो ...Andy भी है ...Boo Boo तोह है ही...I am not lonely, lovelorn - may be, but still very much in love, with people who didn't value love as much as I did. I remember all of you...I miss all of you....I dread the fact that yet another 29th November is soon going to come - and I have nowhere to run...no way to save myself...only because nobody else thinks the way I do, no one else is as foolish as I am...and over that I am a fighter, I don't ever show my back, I take the stab with my head held high. 

Sunday, February 3, 2013

The Bougainvillea tree, KFC, and then the God damned suitcase and 10 years to go...

Don't know what had happened to me on Friday - I have hardly ever felt so sleepy at office. Around 6 I was almost hitting the table with my head...and I decided to make a move. I just kept praying I should get a seat in the bus, and doze off till I reach forum, where I was supposed to meet my brother for dinner.

On came a Volvo, with people standing in it - nowadays I am not that much of a miser to shy away from Volvos - I spend a lot of money on myself. Situation has forced me. January 2011, I found myself in such a soup that either I had to stop going to office and give in to my depression, or I had to go to office in an auto and spend around 3.2% of my daily earning (had it not been for that auto - I'd have lost my earning altogether, so it seemed pretty justified). Even today, you should see me getting up in the morning. I would keep sleeping or lazing on the bed as long as I can, and then get up at the Nth moment, if I even attempt to take a bus after all this, is there a point reaching office after lunch? So I kick myself out of the bed by 9 AM, debate on whether to skip the bath or the tooth brushing, more often than not end up doing both and by the time I hit the road and manage to coax an autowallah to go to my office area (some people make such sad faces that you'd feel you have asked them to go to a jungle or a desert or even on the moon - and average number of failure ranges from 5-10 before the first success) - it is already well past 10, and I consider myself lucky if I reach office by 10:30.

But that's neither here, nor there, except that I spend money these days - and why shouldn't I, when I am a 2.5 times Rupee millionaire. But then why to spend money on a Volvo and go standing? So I skipped it. On came the next bus, with no number, and curiously displaying, Koramangala Depot 15. All I saw were the numerous empty seats, and just sleepily asked, Forum? The driver nodded, and I went on board. On came the conductor, and I asked the ticket price. He said 13. Usual Forum tickets are 11 these days - and since I won't let myself be fooled, I asked, isn't the ticket price 11 usually? The conductor confidently replied, there is no 11 Rs ticket only in his bus. I didn't have more energy to argue, was too much in a hurry to fall asleep, so I paid the money without more ado. But alas, I couldn't fall asleep. For I soon discovered that the bus was not going to take the usual Double Road route, it was going for the Audugodi route.

And since these days I pride myself in stealing happiness from almost anything, I became happy at the very thought of going home via a new route. Alas...it was not new. Soon everything on the road would tell me it was not new. It was the road which Boo used to take, when he dropped me home from TKML. Everything about the road was extremely familiar, and given the circumstances, almost nauseating. I steeled myself and would melt down seeing the very next thing. And then, BOOM it went. The tree stood in front of me, and the bus decided to get stuck in traffic just there. Believe me or not, the entire scene was literally getting replayed in front of my eyes. "Boo I need a flower" - I had started long back. It was so that office had decided to celebrate woman's day 5 days late, but the celebration went well, what with games and gifts and a pink dress code, and finally giving each participant a rose bud. Now I had come dressed in pink and all, don't mistake me, all set to attend the celebrations, but stayed on in the client place because I didn't care to leave him and go. But news soon reached about the rose bud, and I needed that all the same. He was like, no..no..no. We stopped for our usual dinner at Konark, the no went on (it was a Tuesday, Konark had candle light dinners on Tuesdays - and frankly speaking by some strange coincidence we'd always end up there on Tuesdays without any pre-planning). I kept bugging him with undaunted spirit, and lo and behold, screech brakes the bike, a branch almost crashes on both our heads, I scream in fear, Boo, what happened? only to find him breaking off a stem of pink Bougainvillea and handing it over to me - here's your flower. I was dumbfounded, so many things I keep asking him, knowing fully well he'll never relent, did he just fulfill one of my wishes?

The bus kept standing, my hand went on to my heart, then my face, and then fell on my side, as if I have died once more. The day when he'd given me the flower last year, he's gonna get married on the very same day this year. Is 1 year that long a time?

With the hole in my heart bleeding profusely, I reached forum, and after a stint of curious cosmetics shopping (I feel like doing skin care these days), KFC seemed the only healing point and joint. As I munched on my chicken, again a memory came back. 5th October, he just did some changes to a diagram I was working on for a proposal and went upstairs. The salary hike letter had come in that same week, and my brother wanted a treat in KFC. I left early that day, not meeting him again - not knowing that we shall never meet again in the same way. I had no way of knowing, he never told me, never gave me a leeway for mental preparation. Yes it was I who had told him, don't mention your girlfriends or would be wives, I become jealous. But then, when did he listen to me so sincerely?

Days seem never ending - and there is so much freedom. I can do whatever I want. No waiting indefinitely for an improbable meeting if he wishes. My life is in my control. But who wants it God dammit? And why?

Oh didn't you know? The God damned suitcase is the reason. I bought it for a whopping 11.5 K bucks last April before my last onsite visit. If I leave earlier than April, I have to pay the full amount back, because it was office sponsored. I go to office everyday and coexist with my ex - who is like emanating happiness by virtue of his oncoming marriage, and die a hundred deaths every moment, stung by the pain of lost love, only to salvage that 11.5 K. And then? Then if it is humanly possible, to complete 10 years of my career, which happens on July 31st. Unbroken track record by a broken girl :) Like Arjun, I see the bird's eye only. April end, and then July end. April end for another reason too. It is his birthday. I had promised him a birthday cake. Something that has never happened in his life. He has actually never cut a cake on his birthday. I had promised to myself, that my Boo will not lose out on a single happiness in life that I can provide for him. So you see, for those kids who give up seeing the first glimpses of inhumanity, look at me. I endure...I never give up...but yes I never expect. Boo, I shall never ask another man for flower, that is a promise.