It's a dog's life

Dear Andy Human (formerly Andyman Doggydoll),
It's been more than a year that we have talked. Ever since you left, I have grown more and more fond of doggies, as you might have noticed (but on second thoughts, and being the intelligent doggy that I am - how will you notice?) You have moved on to a human life, and since one year of doggy life, is equivalent to 30 years of human life (once again I being an outstanding doggy mathematician, hope you won't dare to argue on that fact) - I guess by now you have had the full taste of human life (wife and kids and may be grand kids also), but my life hasn't changed a bit, as I said, it's a dog's life. So I still go to office, return home, eat, sleep and fight. Ya, me being a doggy, I have to fight...it's unfortunately not in a doggy's blood to give up, howevermuch I might want. It pains at times, but frankly speaking, I don't blame anyone for that. And I have no grudges anymore against you. In one year if I have understood anything, I have understood, we were not meant to be the doggy couple in this life, as we were in last life. I have finally realized what I want, and though I can never get that, you were saved from being part of my aimless life. Just that at times when I already feel low, the mishap that happened, pains me more. Leave all that, hope you have another 300 years of human life with health and happiness. Wish you a wagging tail life, bhullos the mega gala hullos :) :)

bhow bhow,
Pupu Ray Lady Doggy Doll

Silence

Ya, for once the chatterbox is at a complete loss of speech. Not only have I lost my ability to speak, I have lost my ability to express myself...even to think properly. I don't understand my own actions. I ask myself, is there anything I can do to help you...but only silence prevails. No reply. And I realize that this silence is what is left in life... from this day onwards, this is my destiny...this is what reigns supreme in my life. Questions, which used to come in my mind, don't come up anymore. They have understood long back their meaninglessness. Somethin keeps encouraging from within... she's trying, she's struggling every moment, isn't it so commendable that she's not giving up? But what the hell would have gone wrong if I actually gave up? Is this the only way to live? Just pretending to myself that there are reasons to live... that I needn't feel myself to be dead yet? God, what a liar I must be....I lie even to myself. What am I, I don't understand... If I don't want to stay back, why not just quit? Why this falsehood? Or am I really so greedy. Accept the truth honey, it's all over. And you were never special, nowhere, not in your personal life, neither in your work life. Ya, the truth remains that you are "bidhata-r srishti-r apobyay". And for God's sake don't fight anymore about it. Accept that you are ordinary, you are worthless, and you just don't deserve to be happy. And yes, ofcourse, you have no talent. Moni, even if he had loved you once upon a time, he would have hated this loser of a girl. And this day could have come 3 years back also, had he not been there. Babu, learn to live on your own. Stop killing yourself like this. With our limitations, we are fine. Please stop this NOW. It's over. The good days are gone. The not so bad days are also coming to an end. If you behave like this, you'll never be able to fight with the uncertainty. Give up, and start a new life...

So near to death, yet not able to die…because you are so beautiful…

How can someone be so strikingly beautiful? How can someone not change…even by a wee little bit…in all these years. I remember Edward, I remember Bella’s fear…of growing older than him…growing very very old beside him – the evergreen person.

Now of course I don’t have such a fear. I don’t have the right to grow old with him. But still…I am overwhelmed. I never thought I’d meet him again…all these days…in desperation…I wanted to see him…see him just once…for one tiny little while…

Strangely I remembered Rajkahini today in the morning. All of a sudden….with no context whatsoever. I remembered Subhaga…I remembered Gayeb and Gayebi…I remembered Aditya, the Sun God. The first time she met him….he said…you can see me only one time….next time you call me…you die. And gave her twins, a son and a daughter. When they grew up, when Gayeb wanted to know his father…he questioned his mother’s purity…she had to call him again…call her life…call her death.

And thus you came…sealing my fate. My doubts, my questions. Whether things should change…whether I can give up. Now I have to give up. Accept my fate…whatever it be…and wait for that afterlife. An afterlife where I share you with nobody. Where I am at least a little more beautiful…to be able to stand by your side. But you know what…I know that you never bother about whether I am beautiful or not. What you are to me, I am to you. May be you are sitting in one corner now…and thinking…doesn’t she change ever? She stills looks like the plump doll she used to be.


Emotions and visions come running to my mind. The last time we met…when was it? Some two years back…more than two years. Shall we meet again? Do we get some time to sit and talk? You know my state of mind?

- So near to death, yet not able to die…because you are so beautiful…

In love lies the salvation

I am no preacher. But I can see the dearth of love. Everywhere. Everyone is being moved only by selfishness. Who is there who even unconsciously practices "love thy neighbour" ? These days I read a lot. I watch a lot of movies. Typical past times of a girl who has got nothing else to do. No social life whatsoever. But then...as I read...I feel...hasn't there been enough cruelty already. My favorite scene when I go out on the roads, is an act of kindness to an animal. A car slowing down to provide time to a slow moving cattle, a man giving a biscuit to a stray dog...I think...what is the animal's fault that humans have become so civilized? It's their world as well...what if they can't interpret traffic signals? What if we waste plenty of food while having our own dinner, still won't spare any for a hapless stray creature.

Think less about your misforture...well off man. Think of those who never have time to ponder over their condition, they have to work so hard merely to sustain life. I hate my hi tech job, long for my parents company, long for a stable well settled life...and I agonize everytime I have to get up early in the morning. And then I hear that familiar scream of the paper wala...PAPER...See I told you...he perhaps dint even get enough time to crib...he got up in the morning...saw that there's no rice to feed the little ones...took out his heavy bag and went out screaming...at the top of his voice.

I was telling mom the other day...mom, people complain that God has not given them enough. Arre even God has such a huge empire...in His justice, He gives whatever possible to everyone...how can anyone ever think of billions of people at the same time. He also tries to find a best way out. Like we all do.

And tell you what...if you want to live happily...never let go of that four lettered word HOPE.

Taking the decision

When I was deciding to quit my first job...it was easy. Life was much more difficult and demanding at that point of time...but decision was easy. I din't think twice before walking out of the exam hall in protest of some wrong/out of syllabus/out of protocol questions, jeopardizing my master's degree...but didn't have a thought then. I walked out of the university in protest of my supervisor's behavior, not giving a damn about my first job...I was always ready to protest.

But then, I was a 24-25 year old girl, who never thought of looking back. She knew that the world is waiting for her. Think of the time...dad was barely earning...every now and then he'd resign from his job out of exasperation, bro was still studying, and still I could nurse my ego. Now that I never fear starvation at least for one year...even if none of us in the family work or earn...still..I just can't put down my papers. Am I so greedy. Is this package so luring?

Or perhaps it is the helplessness. I know I might not have a future now. Might not ever get married. My bro might not be taking care of me when mom n dad won't be there. And anyways even in the present day, what savings do mom and dad have? The proud girl, at the onset of receiving her 3rd degree, thinks, what if I don't get another job? What if I lose the security I am having. What is there now is bad enough...but what if it turns worse? The world is so so full of vultures. ..

God give me some courage. I just can't take this job anymore. When I went for my interview with microsoft, there was a painting with a caption - a vacation is what you take, when you can't take what you have been doing till now anymore. I do need the vacation.

My first hate post

Ok then, whom do I hate... I hate people who cheat. Any kind of cheating...or breach of trust - I find loathsome. And when its done by someone close, its even worse. And I hate falsehood. I hate that wretched son of a bitch who tried to play God when I was irrepairably shattered and then went away showing his moronic whim. However he is not a person ever worthy of my anger. He tried to treat me as dirt, now I have really treated him as dirt. It hurts most when pompous flirts like him tend to lose their bloated sense of importance. But dogs (real dogs...the animals are far far better than them) and insects need to be shown their place.

But my dear dear friend, what place should I show YOU? What made you do what you did. You are not a bad person, you just can't be. You are one of the reasons why I am alive today. Why did you have to cheat me? How I hate this situation. How I feel like breaking into tears in front of you and remind you how many times I have begged you not to lie. You were like my little brother...I was ok with teaching you how to live...I was ok with your mischiefs...but I am not ok with the truth. The friendship has to break now. I felt it long back...that you are taking advantage but sisters do spoil their kid brothers. However, now its not so simple anymore.

Whom to trust? And if there's noone to trust then how to live in this world?

Translation of a certain unknown poem...

When the heart was looking for shelter from rain –
Moonbeams came instead to ease my deep pain...

Some words hide in the air,
Water hides some,
Some remain in the mind,
Sobbing yet calm.

Engraved in burnt earth–
Snow white - sleep in foreign hearth

Those were days insane –
Without a thought of loss or gain.
The first monsoon - drizzles don't end –
Darkened with the first clouds God send.

Words in my heart, when came to my lips -
Wanted to step out - my place looked undone.
Couldn’t find way and the road was steep –
Before I could reach you, the time was gone.

Silent noon - dumbness struck
My life's abode.
The joy of love flooded the heart
Now it's a load –
Of dreamlessness - bliss that's no more
The choked breeze that fails - to open the door.

Engraved in burnt earth
Snow white - sleep in foreign hearth

Discovering you

What I loved about you...and what kept me awake...say till 3:30 in the night...on the very first day of acquaintance (do we call in acquaintance…assuming you don’t even know me?)

You read
You write
…

ROTFL writing till now…just imagine…you must be awe struck by now with your talents…WOW man, I read…and I write as well…WOW really WOW…wonder how many persons on earth have actually learnt to do that J J

Ok the caustic remarks accepted…I just loved the fact all the same. Frankly speaking you are an extinct species. Haven’t found your type among my usual friends. Well, Avik-da for one…is different, but if you understand me, he is very different kind of different. And don’t tell me that I don’t know many people. Studying human mind is my favorite past time, you know. In general, and in my arena of work…men don’t read (how to put this in a better way I don’t know…they do read, but I don’t find in them that particular depth of thought, pondering over a particular work for days…you know…very rare – to rephrase this is what I love to do – and I found the exact trait in you)

Same about your writing. It’s something like a transferred epithet in a remote sense. Because I do it, I liked you doing it. Frankly speaking in my life, I have been a very lazy girl, doing little else than reading, writing, a little bit of music, lots of movies…an introvert kind of life you may say…I do not socialize much, I do not travel a lot(but like travelling)…I have my own world. Well, what appears till now is that you are definitely not introvert, but at the same time…you seem to be so much like me. Somehow you touched a chord…somewhere.

Another 1st June

Started feeling pensive from a few days earlier. Andy's birthday used to be a happening event every year. In a way Andy was my kid... giving him gifts and seeing him happy was such a pleasure. Difficult to accept that this 1st June I won't even be entitled to wish him.
Day went ok types...ordeal that office these days is. What with the new underpass construction near my place...traffic gets diverted and it results in a 15 min longer walk. So there I was...in the last lap of my walk...just one more turn to go...and home noisy home (due to the repulsive oriya/santhal neighbors who keep blabbering in a strange dialect and in terribly loud and non-musical voices - I hate them and wanna drop all six bullets from my non existent revolver into their head) - when I found a whitish doggy trying to cross the road. At the same time got the same multitude of emotions I usually get whenever I witness this event...be careful...is it really necessary?...please don't die...dear sweet doggy do please take care....I kept whispering all these stupid stuff to myself...and...OH MY GOD...doggy was crossing...rash driving Indica was approaching...I was looking from behind...doggy and Indica intersected...Indica didn't stop...doggy went inside it...I literally saw him going inside...and wanted to shut my eyes...NO NO NO...can't see a doggy dying on Andy's birthday...NO PLEASE NO...and then...a loud bark...doggy came out unscathed...from under the Indica...couple of more barks...and vanished in the road...abandoning his idea of crossing the road.

I was literally exhilerated. In my happiness I did two things. First went to the parlor to thread my eyebrows. Second, went home and played my keyboard. After such a long time...gave quite a competition to my neighbors in noise though... :D :D

Cinema and me...

Well there are movies that directors make…when they seem to at their very best. Bombay was one such movie by Mani, Maqbool was one such movie by Vishal. Someone spoke about identifying with the movies…I don’t know for how many people it is possible to actually identify with the storyline of either Bombay or Maqbool. The fact why we still like these movies are – the mesmerism they created.

I have watched Bombay only once…on a certain lazy February afternoon when I happened to be at home due to down pouring rain. I never cared to relive the watching for I never wanted even a single moment of that experience to be altered. Bombay is…a dream, an enigma…a truth saying that love surpasses everything on earth.

I have watched Maqbool only once…from 2-5 of a Saturday midnight with pin drop silence…and pinching loneliness. I cannot bear to relive the horror, the fact that hatred and selfishness are the most destructive factors in human nature, yet we commit them and defend ourselves.

Yet every single scene of both the movies are etched forever in my mind.


The Bombay riot was fun for the 12 year old child – who got an opportunity to go and play with her father and kid brother in the local park every day for a week. 3 years later the Bombay movie was a revelation about meaninglessness of human identity crisis and the strength of humanity that survives even the worst form of madness. The first read of Macbeth was at best having an effect of a scary fairy tale on the same kid, at the age of 11. Maqbool, 15 years later – presented to her an all new dimension of human animosity.

So not getting into the debate about if Mani is a genius director, or Vishal – it’s certain movies that haunt you, inspire you and live with you for the rest of your life. If you have read The Last Leaf by O Henry, everyone has a masterpiece, let’s not argue about that triumph which every human achieves at least once in a life time.

Do you love someone without knowing that yourself?

I stayed up yesterday for a particular reason. Which is not difficult to guess. But ofcourse the staying up didn't yield its expected results. And trust me, that made me miserable. So I kept wondering as I suffered. And kept reading Doctors. Over and again. I had almost made up my mind to give this book to him and not "The Piano Teacher". This was the first book I had discussed with him. But why do I remember this now? Only because he had used the word "platonic"? I should recover from this desperation, as the fact remains that, having used the same word, though even Barney and Laura never knew their mind, they were something more to each other always. Not a single instance when they happened to hurt each other or had ego battles. Same was the story in "socha na ttha". They used to keep each other happy, never quarrel and never misunderstand. Now if I sit and think, I don't have a single friend about whom I think that way. I am bitching behind every one's back. Some or the other action/intention of everyone of my friends has caused me bitterness. No one is perfect, and perhaps I am a bit too critical. But one thing I can assure you, surest way to know if you really love someone, even against your knowledge, is when you mutually make each other happy. At least don't add to each other's already existing troubles.

The Microsoft magic...the rain...the ride home...

Ha ha...it made me dream. After a long long time. Some kind of romantic dream. As if...I'd get a job with them. As if as a result of that, I'll happen to meet a Barney Livingston working overnight...and returning home...tired after a night's work, only to find me as his new neighbor, and be charmed by my kajal stained eyes. Like Anand would have said, Pupu Ray you are enormously impossible...
Going back to Barney Livingston, don't think he would have approved if his Laura Castellano made her colleague post an alliance mail on the BB on her behalf, that too decreasing her age by 1 year. WOW. Such treachery Castellano...he'd have said. Was I dead or what? And what happened to your self confidence??? He'd have mocked. But as the situation stands, I am a loner. May be had a Barrney once, but can't even remember him now. Let alone look forward to what he'd have said.
Then again, I was outdoors and not in my gloomy 3rd floor cubicle, when the storm started. Leaves were fluttering. The wind becoming more whimsical...the sky darkening...and then it rained. Rained like before. And the bus took the flyover. After a long long time...time during which even the last few things went wrong. I listened to Shubha Mudgal's bold voice singing Laga Chunari Mein Daag...almost chanting about me to myself....as the bus sped...the cold wind stung...the wheels made a fountain out of the water that had accumulated in the road...and I rediscovered life. This is the Bangalore I love. Where I can stay alone, in my own small flat, even if nothing good happens in my life. And yes, be contented with life and not complain. Something I can never achieve in Kolkata.
Is that what they call vibes...good vibes :) :)

Why people argue?

Following BB seems to have become my favorite past time these days. And I was happy to notice somebody cared to mentioned the death of hapless stray dogs in Hosur Road under speeding vehicles. And then people began to put out their venom. They even didn't falter when they said that stray dogs should be killed. Why? because sometime ago one of them or may be a group of them was responsible for killing a kid? So what should have happened to us human race? The proud and learned human race? Forget about the occasional murderer or the serial killer, there was someone called Hitler right? Who planned to obliterate an entire religious sect? So what should be the outcome of that? Demolish the existence of the entire mankind?

They don't know what is the importance of life. How easily you can lose everything. If pet dogs can have a life, then even the ugliest, unluckiest stray dog deserves it. For God's sake try and understand life before commenting. If you are living in a palace, I am living in a rented house, then even the man who can't afford a 10 rupees meal at the end of day, does deserve to at least sleep on the road with an empty stomach. No bustard's son has the right to run him over with his car in a drunken state. And no bustard's son deserves to kill even a single stray dog. They might be scavenging in the dustbins...might be licking up from drains to quench their thirst, but they still should be left alone to live their wretched life. For the sole purpose of life is to respect this divine gift....life....something you cannot give, only God can. So don't even dare to speak about taking it away.

I love doggies. They are the sweetest animals on earth.

There must be at least some one who loves a walk in the clouds as much as I do...

Well, June 7, is it? that too 2008...its 2nd Feb 2010. Long time...but I don't change with time...I am me...the evergreen...ever romantic girl. But tell me something...if I am so well read and all, how come some one still surprises me with some name of some novel....well if not novel then philosophical writing...but something which I haven't even heard? Well...over that the wiki maniac that I am...even wiki couldn't help me. Well...as it goes...I won't rest before I have read the books. But tell you something...reason I visited your profile....3 reasons...because all these days I have tried to dream this impossible dream about you...and somehow while doing that I kind of relived my school days...so today I thought..what's the harm in at least seeing how he looks and what he thinks...2nd reason...ha ha...do you remember one day we had met in the library? Even I didn't remember...but it suddenly came back to me...it seems on your saying only I got Narayan Sanyal's Biswasghatak...well there was a 3rd reason too...but don't quite remember it...but your eyes are bright...and piercing...the eyes only show how much life you have...so no point looking at you with my dead eyes...so long then....