Justification of insensitivity...

Be a neutral audience and hear out my trauma....even I am fumbling....to understand what has gone wrong...why I have become so unstable...


I wrote this mail to him last night...


you know...I have perhaps never been so angry in life...

it is like...u might understand if I tell like this...

there was this long pent up anger...which I was not giving importance, was just keeping low....ignoring....

yesterday....when I went to sleep...I cried for the first time...it is like...you will tell...what is new in ur crying...u keep crying all the time...

not like that...it was different...it was like...what crap is this life....

today morning I was furious...furious to the extreme ultimate extent...I cried...loudly...way babies cry when they are starving....

then...just to spend time...I took bath, washed clothes...spread the clothes for drying....all this I did...

then as I started talking to u....may be I felt better....went and ate also...had a chocolate also....felt better....

I was watching this movie....and talking to u...then u got offline without saying...I didn't give much importance...just kept watching...

the movie ended...I just checked if u r online...found u logged out n just left some offline msgs..and shut down the laptop...

it was then...like a bomb...the anger broke inside my head...it streamed out of my entire body....I was so so angry...I simply can't put in words...

I just knew I had to go out of this wretched room and take a walk...else I wl die...

u won't believe...I didn't take my cell...didn't wear earring....wrist watch...nothing...just stormed out of the house....

went to the atm...got money first thing....too much boo it is...I can't have this budgeted existence...period...

everytime someone telling inside my head...u'll lose ur job...anyday now...u'll never get married...no one to support u in old age...no one to support ur parents...so save...save...save...I can't boo boo...there is a limit to everything....

every new dress I see in shop....man I can buy all of them...literally the entire collection in the mall....yet I would just stop myself...

all the while just hold back....

u have no future...u have no future...no one is there to watch u in nice dress....ENOUGH

man I never thought I'd stop dreaming entirely....

u know...some friend posted a SG photo...n tagged me...another friend was saying...where was this photo so long? u look so good...

I used to do so much shopping in SG...this swarovski earrings n necklace, this quaint jute  knitted top...the sea green colored t shirt....and I have lovely photos in them...I used to live so much at that time...

why have I stopped living? 

I waited at the nearest tram station...no tram was there...walked to the next station...a tram just left....I was wondering whether to keep walking...when I saw another tram coming...on saturdays n sundays (sobota n nedele they call here)...many trams go out of their usual routes....I didn't know the route of this tram, was undecided...then started running...luckily the tram driver kept the door open till I reached...n I got up...

2 stations went by which I didn't know even by name...the third station seemed familiar...n I got down...so angry I was till then....

I got down....there was this man who was coming running...like me...but the tram driver didn't stop this time....the man showed his middle finger to the tram driver...

why do people behave differently with different people...he waited for me...I didn't thank him or gave him a smile...perhaps should have...but I got up and down from the last door...he was too far...this guy...I guess he didn't stop for him thinking I have been so ungrateful...n he was shown the middle finger...

walked a little while...saw a daddy playing with a little girl...all dressed in pink...saw a flower shop...the lady looked at me with expectation...perhaps she hasn't sold much....went on...walked walked...crossed the road...again crossed the next road...till I reached the next tram station...

had been lucky...before I could even reach, a tram came up that goes to my house...got into the tram...

saw this lady...she was fat...very fat n not good looking also...I wdn't have put so much attention on her if she didn't have a cigarette packet in her hand, with a cigarette pulled out of it...held between her fingers, she was so desperate...moment she gets down from the tram she'd start smoking...then...next moment...she took out this bottle from her bag...n held it in between her legs....and then I saw...tears streaming down her eyes...she trying her best to cover up her face with her short hair...

I put on this extremely stern face u know boo...almost a heartless look I had...sans all softness...as if I didn't notice...as if I don't care...

I have cried so many times in public transport...I know I beg in my mind then...that people don't notice...don't sympathize...

I got down one tram station away from my home...and walked back....just rushed on to call mom...poor lady was overwhelmed...what has happened to her daughter...it was well past 12:30...in india...everyone at home was up and worrying about me...

don't know what I get by telling u....anger was primarily on u...so had to tell u...but more than that...I thought...if u have read through this story...it will help u somehow...I unburdened myself anyways....

good night...head is still throbbing with anger...I just wanna go back boo...it was a wrong decision to come here...either I'd have never gone back to india and done this goof up with u which has obviously wrecked me beyond repair....or I should have never come back here...thinking I wl be able to forget u n move on....

If you are done with reading this long boring mail...then in a nut shell I will tell you what I had to undergo today. No reply to this mail. Then I waited for more that a hour after reaching office and getting online...no ping....when we talk...the conversation went like this....

me: ya  

because it hurts me  

u know how I feel  

everytime in the morning...I login with trepidation...wl he have mailed?  

n then when I don't see...it is like...someone with very long sharp nails digs at my hurt...  

I feel that much pain 

bt doesn't matter...to u...  

so u can keep ignoring me...  

and keep showing it to me that I am not important enough...

he: see... small small things is such a big deal for u  

i cant handle u.. i am telling that

knife in heart.. punch in face

all that sounds a lot of crap for me

i have better things to do .. than dreaming how some one is feeling ... some time.. ...

I don't know why I am writing this here. My intention is not to draw sympathy. I just want to tell the world, what I am going through. Is this the dream relationship I wanted? After going through so much in life, is this the man I have chosen, hoping he will shield me? Why am I making myself go through this? I shall definitely go mad if this continues for a while more....God, was I born on this earth just to get stab after stab after stab in the heart? Am I never permitted a moment of peace? Just a moment?