Well, I remember (with a lot of horror) the last two new years. When people happen to revel in their own happiness and celebrations, seldom do they understand what happens to someone who's not quite in the mood. I am now helplessly waiting for the same torture to begin. People shouting fanatically - Happy New Year.
This is something I don't understand. What changes with a year. But forget it. It's not important.
Well, for one thing, 2011 was eventful. Two Europe trips and the short trip to Delhi were the major highlights. After 2007, this was the maximum travel I ever had in life. And I lived in absolute luxury. First the Europe accommodation was wonderful, then, in general the money that came in was like - never before.
Another high point was - I got a real good friend, and had a lot of adventure as our relationship matured. Tears or smiles, whatever he has given me, at length, I treasure him because - whatever happens, he is one person I can tell in the face, whatever I think. This kind of rapport I never had with anyone. It'd be like - you know what, you are my best friend. You know, I feel I can't do without you. You know, I feel I love you, and can even think of marrying you. I don't understand you. I feel I am collapsing, can you help me to recover? Anything and everything I'd tell him. And since he is like a rock, it doesn't matter much. He never reacts and knows I am crazy :)
2011 ended with me my mobile being stolen. The last thing that used to remind me of Anand. We had gone and bought it together. He had chosen it for me, said, it'd look good in my hand. 29th December evening, as I was returning home, a black doggy was run over by the bus I was in, and then while getting down from the bus, somebody picked up the mobile. When the initial bit of agitation had died down, first apprehension I had was - is he ok? I have no way to know that. But in all probability he'd be ok only. Got a new mobile. But what to do about the 2 year long data that had gotten accumulated? The sms's, the pictures, the voice and song recordings. Was particularly feeling sorry about the sms's we have been sharing in our 1 year of friendship. They have a certain quaint enigmatic beauty about them. My hugely emotional ones compared to his, "Nonsense" and "Idiot man u r" ones. He told me, he'd forward me all the sms's - said, "You have a backup man". This is what I love about him. He can do anything to me, but I can't stop loving him ever. I don't know, I am now too weak to make predictions, but somehow I have this strong intuition, that we won't ever be able to break up completely.
Well, would also like to mention the antakshari competition we had in office. High points were, to get a chocolate for singing two so called difficult songs (how can songs I like be difficult for me - I literally live with them) - being offered to sing on company day (who knows whether I'd be there till then) - fighting and getting a consolation prize (a steel tiffin box) - and well being forced to sing "I wanna make love to you" - the Aitraaz song, amidst a hooting office crowd, I was so desperate to win you see. I had this one chance to make up for all that has been going on in life, his reluctance to commit, the depression that resulted, the ill health, the hopelessness, the mobile tragedy, everything I wanted to drown.
I didn't actually know, I can sing "yeh kahaan aagaye hum" so well. "Sawan barse tarse dil" was different - it is my all time favorite, even it was Anand's favorite as well, he always used to ask me to sing it (God only knows why I remember him so much). But the Silsila song, I had never ever sung aloud even. You see I am a principled girl and extra marital affair is not my preferred topic. But it's true that I did receive a clap from the entire audience after singing the song. It was an amazing feeling. It was my small tribute to him, to let him know what I have been feeling recently. I feel so surprised at times, do I really love this thin, black, idiot of a man to this extent? But then, see the video of the Silsila song once. See Rekha's spontaneity in it. You just might understand :)
By the way, Happy New Year 2012. 20.12.2012 is a Thursday this time. My 33rd birthday. And the world is supposed to end the next day. Let's see.
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