I wonder often, how the urge comes at the same time for both of us. And then I wonder why it comes. We're too distant souls not even bound remotely through our profession, and of course neither through emotion. Then why is it that it is not even 1 week that we can bear to stay away from each other. Don't get me wrong when I say that I have never initiated a conversation with him ever since I got to know about his engagement. Did I have any other choice? But it has been always him...ever since then. He can hardly hold back maximum for two weeks. Then he'd ping me. And once he called, he actually did. I couldn't believe...that was one pleasant shock of my life. To see his incoming call and hear the ringtone specially set for him, ringing at 10:30 in the night. Something I had not even dreamt would happen in my life again. Wanted to ask God, O God why? but we talked like old friends who love each other deeply. But the curious thing was that there was not even a word about the upcoming marriage, whence that should be the primary topic of discussion between two friends. That usually is, when his friends talk to him. Instead we talked about books I have been reading, and when he'd come to Bangalore. The very first thing he said was, you don't remember me, so I only decided to remember you.
That was the first time I had felt the urge inside myself, earlier in the day. To break all self imposed barriers and talk with him. I couldn't hold myself back...but had to. And he called. Similarly the first thing I wanted was to talk with him, after I reached office this Thursday. And he pinged in the afternoon. Just 4 sentences in which 3 were from me. The last 3. He just initiated the conversation and never bothered to reply back. I could understand well why he did it. Just to let me know that he had read my tagline.
I happen to like this darkness… A weak candle glowing endlessWhy should you care….. ‘Cause I dream? Or I still dare?
This was a poem I had told him about, in the days when we used to talk with each other without a reason. Imagine a manager and a reasource making fun about the appraisal. Oh dear, I want to ask you for once, have you ever felt like screaming aloud? Felt that coldness like death in your body? When everything is over, why is it that I keep feeling that you understand my agony. Is there any reason why you should? And I could feel the restlessness in you when you saw this tagline. I didn't want to punish you. But I could feel you are punishing yourself. Nothing is now in your hand or in mine. I liked Sarkar Raj very much. For I felt the friendship between Shankar and Anita was like the friendship between you and me. When life brings two people together and they get to discover each other in such a way as perhaps their own blood do not know themselves, or for that matter their nearest ones. And the trails of agony that remains behind remind only of that understanding. Perhaps you were not correct in taking this decision, but situation forced you to. I also have my own shortcomings. I wonder whether its hypocrisy not to want to marry someone else for I cannot share the secrets of my life with him, and at the same time I was very much willing to marry him without telling him anything. For, what do I need to tell him. Our hearts always know beforehand what all lies in each others mind. Life imposes drama on us. I don't know why.
