Being a nobody...

I don't know what to write. It was my conscious decision after all. To go through this without protest. See, one argument might have been, that, I could have reacted. I had every right to react. To be mad on him, to shout, to take revenge. What would I have got out of all that? The selfish me asks. What am I getting through this? The selfish me asks again. I don't have answers.

Or, rather...the selfish me wants to see myself in pain. Masochism? Who knows. I feel numb and nervous. He had said...if he wants to run, he knows how to run. But if we start bothering about what all he had said, there would be no end to this confusion. It has to be driven from my end. And there is basically nothing to drive. A 29th October comes. If he goes home, things get settled then. If he doesn't, we have to wait. December, January, February, March...don't know how long. Ya, the fear will be there, don't know how long I have to live with it. But I have chosen to live with it. So I shouldn't complain.

I have lost the right to complain. That pains more than anything else. I had a right once in this relationship. Now I don't have it anymore. It might sound terrible coming from me, but perhaps the truth is that the relationship has died, all I am trying to do is to give it a decent funeral. It shouldn't be said that nobody cared for this dead relationship. I did, I do.

There are two flip sides to the coin. As opposed to this saga of self torture. The guy who was termed as sadist and irresponsible suddenly undergoes a transformation. And then, the other guy comes. The other guy. I start laughing deliriously at this point. The other guy. Who has let me become this even though he lived on this earth. Ha ha ha...the other guy.

Thanks but no thanks is all I can say. I am better off alone. Boo...had once written me a poem:

Alone he is better,
Don't put butter.

This guy turned out to be a bigger mystery than was ever stated in any Agatha Christie novel. So much so that I have given up all attempts to solve him. And perhaps there is nothing to solve. He is following the forever trodden normal path only. Who can ever read human mind. I am just doing, what is the decent thing to do. The humane thing to do. No...correction. I am doing, what my mind wants to do. My mind, wants to just be with him. Be this a difficult or an easy hour for me or him or both of us, I must do, what I feel like doing, for a person who is very close to me. The fact that I am not able to understand him doesn't really matter now, I still don't have a choice. Trust me, I am not doing this with the faintest hope of miracle in my mind. That's why I feel, I just might be able to tolerate whatever is in store for me in the future. I know I am crazy, but this is my last chance to be crazy in life :)

My friends and my extended Punjabi family...

Well...Punjabi has always been my next most favorite Indian language after Bengali and Bihari Hindi...all thanks to the Yash Chopra movies may be (Tussi ja raheho? Tussi na jao...Ek gal dassan?) - whatever it is, there is a certain sweetness and mitti ki khusboo in the language (way you find in the East Bengal version of Bengali, i.e. Bangal Bhasha).

Well, there are times when you don't see any light in any direction. It is sheer darkness that engulfs you. Yes, the last couple of weeks have been like that...

So what did I get from my difficult time? Unrelenting support from my friends. I saw them break down more than me during my crisis period. Trust me, never thought it is humanly possible in today's selfish era. Oh a Sagittarian never takes it lightly when her dreams are crushed, when a person she has trusted, breaks her heart. Somehow, since I know Boo and his idiosyncrasies only too well, I could take the blows better than my Sagittarian friend. The Cancerian was devastated in a way, and unable to put up with my still hopeful nature, she decided to leave me alone. But the Scorpio surprised me. She literally stood like a rock beside me. The poor soul, with a 1 year old kid and her own marriage in jitters, she never let me be on my own even for a moment - comforted me and let me cry more, took me to play with her kid and celebrated with me October 15, the one year anniversary of our sweet miracle. Not only she, her entire family helped me out as if I were one of them. "Nahi beta, aisa nahi karte...Salman Khan ne kaha hai...dil se nahi dimaag se kaam lena chahiye" - Salman Khan said it seems :) :)

I call them now my extended Punjabi family. Her dad scolded me, her sister tried to drill in sense in my head, her mom was always welcoming, her aunt tried to give me courage...and the little kid was God personified...his smile and touch would allow me to face the next day.

And on my last evening in Bangalore, I went to the temple with them, saw the aarti and consulted the astrologer. An astrologer who is supposedly a scientist too. And a priest as well. What he told - let it remain with me. Oh when has this girl listened to anybody other than herself?

Whatever has to happen will happen. I know all of that and even then I have taken this decision. Yes I have this immense urge to live. And yes, he IS my life. I have chosen to accept his decision - and I shall be doing that with a smile. I am sure I'd be able to do it...

Truth hurts...

It gets too difficult when you know someone too well. And forget about someone else, let us talk about myself. I am too tired, scared and cold...in fact, I can't take this anymore, this constant vulnerability, hugging myself and sitting in the corner of the bed...shivering with fear and apprehensions. Oh how many suicidal moments have I faced since January? Just how many? And it will all end up in an instant? My hopes, my faith, these things don't matter at all, is it?

It is so so difficult to love someone and hold him responsible for your broken faith. This man is my best friend. Is he really going to break me in this way? The questions don't get answered. Even God doesn't show light.

That day near Aranya returns to me. He with all his faith and trust, telling me about that doctor lady whom he was going to see the following week. And my sudden realization, that I love this person. I can't let him marry someone else. But from that day, haven't we moved on to a great extent? Oh why on earth did he have to love me back? And now why does he deny? Is it fair to torture your loved one to this extent? I don't know how I'd have taken it that time, but over the last year and a half, things have drastically changed. I won't be able to take it now. If he gets married to some other girl, that will be the end of me. I can see...may be I will live, but I can see myself right now...how I will be living. Like a complete vegetable. If he crushes my faith in this brutal a way, then there is no other way left for me.

I don't know...these words from him scared me to hell. One interpretation makes my life, the other breaks me forever...


me: it is not that...u wl listen to me for 1 min?  
I know...it doesn't matter to u.... 
he: see.. now..a days.. i am not listening to my wife only..
me: boo... 
he: ohh... 
me: can u...stop hurting me once in while? 
he: but .. that was true.. ok forget

I know it will all be over in few more days. After that I leave for my home town. If this is to happen, I can wither away with some dignity I guess. Still, I am writing this in the middle of the night. It has really shaken me...

Aiyyaa

Well...what is life? Except some once in a rare while in office when some work comes...and these boring evenings and weekends at home...when I just sit and wait for time to move. After the fiasco last weekend, nothing happens to frustrate me also. Whoever wants...taunts me, complains about me, shouts at me, scolds me and ill treats me - no effect. Ya, there are some natural moments with Boo...see...with someone you love, you cannot be artificial...but then, all the same, he demands so much of understanding (for me, it is enormous - mammoth) that at times I simply get aloof.

Once upon a time, I loved to day dream. Now, there is nothing to day dream. What to dream in a life that has brought me to this no man's land? Ya, one dream is there...of my car. But I am dreaming about it for almost two years now. To no avail. I am too confused. Not even able to make up my mind about whether to at all get her or not. If I at all get, then should it be a petrol model, cheap one, or a diesel one, a bit more expensive? Or an electric car? But yes, a lot of my time goes in thinking about my car.

I hate the food I eat...but somehow like it still. It is the same fried rice, chicken, momo, biriyani, roll ka mix n match everyday...at night, and the lunch hour is dedicated to pongal, dosa, bisibelle bath, maddur vada n other southern delicacies. But still, it is one thing that keeps me happy. And these days I am seriously trying to get adapted to south Indian meals too. OMG God help me though, if I have to live a lifetime on sambhar rice. Boo...will you really be so torturous sweeto?

And ya, apart from these things, there is of course the trailers and songs of Aiyyaa. See, you can't blame me for it. I can site a thousand reasons. 1. I am a Rani Mukerjee fan. 2. I am a man-hunting myself :P 3. Ohh I absolutely loved the guy Prithviraj Sukumaran, first his name and then his looks. 4. Aga Bai is currently my most favorite song. 5. My neighbor in office is called by the same name as the lady lead, and she is a really good friend (I shall be dedicating one entry to her) 6. Aah, the fantasy part...is not fantasy to me you see...I am with this HOT Tamil guy for the past year or so :P :P

But all jokes apart, it has been a real real long long time that some movie trailer has intrigued me so much. May be what triggered it off was Boo's comment while we watched Barfi, that he found the dreamum wakeupum song to be very vulgar. May be way he finds me vulgar, because I believe in fighting for my rights and expressing my thoughts, whereas he'd much like me to remain silent. That urged me to really explore into Aiyyaa, with a subtle aim of proving him wrong. But when I did watch the trailers and the songs, I realized something much much more than that. For example, on seeing Meenakshi's Aai, what I felt is, she looks exactly like Boo's mother. And...I found, I am quite capable of loving her, I am not prejudiced against her, as I feared to be.

But ohh, above all....the Aga Bai song is making me crazy....I watch it on an average 5 times per day. Sach mein yaar...aga bai bahut halla machati hai :P kya kare?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ryy5jrN183Q

Peace...

Never in my life do I wanna forget the agony I faced on Sunday night. It was an agony that brings out the innermost of the hidden truths in your soul. What I wrote in my previous entry was only the beginning. Then I decided to sleep, for there was nothing else to do. I put out the light and went to bed. I started humming to me - I told you, the way I love myself is incredible. I must really really be a good person at heart, to be able to love myself so much. So I sang to myself, "Megha chhaye adhi raat...bairon bangayi neendiya". Me and my fascination with Lataji's songs. Then I don't know how many more songs I sang to myself, but the pain simply won't go. I didn't know a single person from friend or family whom I could call without having to worry that I am disturbing them. Except him. But he has forbidden me to contact him. And I was amazed at the limit of selflessness I have achieved. I was telling myself - don't...don't - siting all reasons starting from he might not be sleeping alone, to this is my first chance to obey him completely, first and only chance. At the same time there was this dumb protest going on inside my mind, ok I obey you - but you can sms? If even you don't know what I am going through, who else will? Then I started crying. Cried calling dad in my mind, because at that hour, there was no way I could actually call him up and cry. Dad, why did you send me to Bangalore. Why didn't you insist I stay on with you. Your little girl would have been spared from so much. And then the trauma grew more violent. I begged to God, God, from childhood, whatever You have taken away from me, I have never complained, I have tried to live on with whatever was left. You are not going to take him away from me...You are not going to take him away from me...

I don't know finally when I slept. I remember the alarm ringing at 7:30, and simultaneously the sound of the door getting locked, my brother went off to office. And then it all came back. The last night, and the suffering, it once again enshrouded me. Oh what would I do today? I asked myself. But in one corner of my mind, a small light flickered. At least I'd be able to see him? And then more despair followed. I didn't know after that what...seeing him - knowing he is fine is a great relief, but then? Even a year back, his indifferent attitude used to take away my life, and at that time I was not so broken. What now? How to deal with it. A strange fatigue was sinking in, a compelling desire to hide myself from the world. It was then that I heard the sms ringtone. Two small rings. More weariness sank in. Must be Citibank or some such crap. But - oh how difficult is it to hold myself back - when there is a fraction of a hope...that it might be him. And thus I reached out for the phone. There it was, the smiling pic of me and him, proudly showing "Boo Boo". For a moment I thought - what he might have written - but there was no mind to indulge my skepticism. And then there it was - putting and end to all my miseries, loud and clear - "Good morning and get lost - will come and kick you". A hoarse animal like cry came out from my voice, I can't tell you the intensity of that feeling, it was like returning from hell's doorsteps. The realization that there was one man who was awake with me, knowing what I went through, and himself going through the same. Forever in my life, this one sms from him will remain like a bliss - salvaging me from all darkness. I simply don't care what happens after this :)

Way back when I was in my early teens, and read গান্ধর্বী , I had told myself that if you love someone, you can never be afraid of him. And then there were these three days of constant shivering out of an inexplicable fear. And now there is this complete peace and ease of life. What a strange thing life is...

Death pangs...

You wanted this life, didn't you?
You planned for this only, right? This is just a prelude, what they call trailer. You wanted to make this a forever story...
You say your heart is bleeding? Why? Why on earth? What is new to you? Haven't you been ditched earlier? You have seen your lovers getting married, and he has only stopped talking. How does that affect you?
You have been eagerly waiting for this to happen. Oh it is my only bliss, I'd go back to my hometown and detach myself from him. Only because he has initiated it, it hurts so much is it?
This is how you wanted to live for the rest of your life, away from him, not even knowing if he is alive or dead, or letting him know if you are alive or dead. Only because it has started a couple of weeks earlier than necessary, is that why it hurts? You mean to say you are not prepared yet?
Apart from the first couple of months, when has he ever loved you? You have only been begging and giving this relationship a false sustenance. He doesn't want you. He prefers his cocooned existence. Why don't you try to understand?
Why does you heart pine away for him? He should also mean nothing to you. He's certainly not a friend. And there is no proof of him being your lover too. You should let him go. You should respect a man's choice.
Does it hurt you to realize that you are once again alone and abandoned in this wide world? Do you get afraid to spend the remaining 12 working days, in his proximity? Or rather in full realization of his rejection and hatred? What is it that is bothering you?

I don't know. I prepare myself for this existence, as they prepare a dead body for its funeral. In some remote corner of my mind, some faint voice tells me, God is there...he will take care. But I don't quite trust that voice. With waning strength, I pray to God, asking Him for his happiness, as I am quite quite sure now, that I was not born to be happy. And I was not born to be loved.

He asked me not to contact him for heaven's sake. I don't need heaven. I am ok with hell. Still, I don't contact him. I know I have lost the right. My nails make red marks on my own hand, I wish I could tie them and not reach for the phone. Yes, I have never loved anyone to this extent. No, the consequence doesn't change for that reason.