tomaar khola haway...

ki asadharon ki asadharon, ami mugdho... r ei serial naki TRPr jonyo bandho hoye galo. oboshyo kei ba dekhbe...eta appreciate korar moto bangali ki r kolkata shahor e ba west bengal e thake...antoto aamader generation er bangali kajon thake sandeho achhe...r aamader generation eri sabai je appreciate korbe, se guarantee antoto ami dite parina... kintu jak aajke ar gaaner opare-r katha bolbo na. ar ek ekta dialogue jeno mon ke chhuye jaye...uff...na aaj anyo topic...

aaj bhalo byabostha korechhi...Firefox window duto pasha pashi khulechhi...noyto dekhte dekhte likhte partaam na etodin...lekha tao to aamar ekta hobby :)

kintu ki niye likhi...aamar mon kharap niye? aamar mon kharap ki notun kono byapar...infact seta jagater sabcheye ekgheye byapar...tabe hyaan eibaar er mon kharap ektu anyo karone...prague chhere jabar dukkho...ei kadin besh chhilaam...eka eka...majhe majhe depressed lagto...tabe aaj hok kal hok...etai to aamar jeebon...ami dheere dheere maniye nichhilaam...kintu bangalore er oi ek chilte alo batash heen ghar aamar bhalo lagena...oi ghar ta aamay aro mone koriye daye, singapore er khola haoa-r jeebon theke kibhabe jeebon ta chhar khar hoye galo...uff ei sesh 3 bachhor je ki osojhyo ketechhe...ei tin maash jeno sei khola haoa ta phire pelaam...ebaar jaoar pala...

Apon mone....

Kichhu bodlay na, na Moni?

Na D'bhai, ta noy. Bodlay to. Sabkichhu bodlay...

Ami sei chhotto meyetake bodlate dekhi na Moni...I don't see her changing a bit...

Na D'bhai...ammo to katto bodle gechhi...

Na bola bandho kor sona, ekbaar hyaan bol...

Ami baddo mota hoye gechhi D'bhai...

Besh, tate bhalo lage...ar mota hos na, taholei habe...

Aamra ei duto din...khub khub anonde katabo...D'bhai...erokam keno sab samay hoy? Ami rabo nisphaler...hatasher dal-e?

Janina keno emon hoy. Tor dosh e hoyna jani... it's ok...aamra apsosh korbo na...

Tumi bolte...chhotto belay....jakhon o tomay khub kashto diyechhilo...je aamader naki ek prithibite co existence sambhab noy... r aajo...tomaar mone holo o ki sundar...

Seta aamar sab samay i mone hoto...or moto ami parbo na...chhotobelay o school er saamne...puppy der khawato...aamar mone achhe...

Ki bhalo bashte tumi oke... aamaro mone achhe...pagoler moto...

thak, ekhon seta ateet...ar tui jaake bhalobeshechhis se anek anek bhalo manush...kukur bhalo na bashle ki hoy....manush ke se anek beshi bhalo bashe...

Ish D'bhai, anek bhool korechhi jeebone...anek anek bhool....

Bhool manush matrei kore...tabu jakhon beche achhis....bhalo bhabe banch...khushi hoye banch...nijeke niye ektu kam bhab...bairer prithibi take explore kor...aar...ekhon ghumo :)

Aamar praner manush achhe prane...

Went to find solace in Gaaner Opare once again. Saw one particularly nerve wrecking episode, the one in which Pupe realizes that she loves Gora. Someone has commented there "a fantastic potrayal of metamorphosis of emotions". Liked the statement.

Just the thing that happened. When I remember that day, I feel ecstatic to a frenzied extent. Discovering you. That was the only good thing that happened in my life. One good thing. Why do I think of death? Why do I think of giving up. You used to say, there is nothing bad in this world. Either they are good, or very good. And you also said, one should have at least one friend to talk to. It shouldn't be that things in one's mind cannot come out, cannot be told to anyone else. If I think, I always have one friend or the other. With whom I can talk. At least till now. And why do I think so much about the future. I should believe you na? Tomorrow will never be bad. Either it will be good, or very good.

You know something? There is no one today in my world. Only you. And you shall always keep me alive.

This one's for you. I started listening to this song from the day I realized my love for you. I am happy. End of negativity. You are there....you are always there for me...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTj2f4ASP1g

I have given up on miracle

I know my entries are becoming progressively negative, but I don't care. I want some stability. I want a house to live in. A place where I can permanently stay. I cannot float around like this. When I look back, from 2007 to 2011, everyone's world has changed in more than one way. Even mine changed. In what way? I am even more of a dead creature, than I used to be before.

I don't think it can ever get better than this. I don't hope too. I trusted that lady. An astrologer lady I had been to. Last year, around this time only. Naveen had taken me to her. She had said, I'd get married by this year April. I know everyone will laugh. But I trusted her. I expected something good to happen, and waited patiently. Now I know it won't happen. I am done with life. All this while, I knew death was near. I was just keeping it at bay. Allowing myself some more time to live. What did I gain by being a thoroughly honest and upright person? By giving my best in everything. Nobody simply cared. There's no end to my tears, I know. I doomed my own life. I simply don't care anymore. I give up. Actually give up. I can feel in myself, that reluctance to live. No miracle shall ever happen, there is no God on earth. I am not cribbing, I am just destroying my dream world. The world that kept me alive.

I hate life...

I hate life. I don't feel such pure hatred for anything else as I do for my life. I am not doing anything good in life. Neither do I ever intend to do. I don't have any reason to live either. With every passing day I am losing a little more of normalcy. It becomes intolerable at times.

Another hate post

I thoroughly despise the bragging idiot who thinks he is the greatest alive dude on earth. God, how I flare up at the very thought of him. All the while I'd crib about being with lesser human beings, still I'd tolerate them. Not them, him. I am working on my level of patience. But patience shouldn't transition to pity. It's my motherly nature, I can't help it. Karthik told that day, when I was telling him what all I'd planned to cook, that I am the only girl he has seen doing this. Today I genuinely regret having been a host to a most non deserving, ungrateful, pompous moron that ever existed. I don't wanna see his face again. HE IS STUPID. Somebody please go and tell him that he makes a fool of himself before everyone. He is so foolish, that if I tell him on his face that I am not willing to have any interaction with him, he won't understand. He is not my friend. It needs a bit of intellect to be my friend, so my dear friends, celebrate :) and Mr. Moron, please get lost. You are as usual, too much of a lesser being to be even hated, you'll be ignored henceforth, like a dumbass is simply sidelined. If you do not understand even then (given your level of intelligence, it can very well happen), I shall simply direct you to this link, way I had directed Hemant to the article "Freedom" :)

I really hope Karthik visits 5-6 more countries as soon as possible and we start working on our book. I can't let this world become the domain of below average people. I feel it to be my moral duty.

Following my bliss...

Being a human, my memory is constrained. So I don't remember very old things. But still, as per my analysis, I haven't had this particular state of mind, for a lot many times in life.

I'd call the state, switching of worlds. Probably, I have written about this somewhere else as well. But I want to write more. It's a blissful state. It gives you reason to live.

One was, when I was reading Fountainhead. This was not the first one. The first one, will come in the end. So Fountainhead. When I was reading it, I first felt this switching of world. I'd probably read all night, hardly feel like sleeping...in fact force myself to sleep...to maintain my sanity. When, next day morning, I'd be entering through the glass doors of building 30, it would be like uprooting a tree. Oh when will I return to Howard Roark, when I will again become Dominique. You know, I can actually never become Dominique. I cannot hurt myself to hurt you. I wish I could do that...but I love you like she loved him, but let us not try to relate the story of you and me, with him and her. He discovered her, possessed her...you never dared to do that...or perhaps never cared. But yes, I am like them, as a whole...when is a man and woman complete without each other? So, incomplete, as I am, I am like them. Proud of myself, proud that I do not compromise, proud that I can say anything in the face of anybody, no matter who, if I feel it right, I am even proud of my absolute hatred of lesser beings, people who think they can prove their worth through words alone. I can live in my own world, redefine, re explore and re discover it, I can create and destroy my world...it's mine. I cannot share my world with anyone else just because it's a social norm and human beings are social animals. I loved every bit of that experience of reading Fountainhead. Evening, when I'd finally return home, and pick up the book, it'd be like rejoining my soul.

The second one was while reading Harry Potter series. I was in intense mental agony then. I was trying to compromise. And I had miserably failed. Harry Potter happened all through 2009 beginning, when finally I consented to myself to follow the way of the world. I decided to get married and free everyone from their sense of guilt. And, what followed was immense torment. It seemed as if something was holding me back. I thought this is going to be the end of my life. I would try to defy Anand in every possible way. Go to movies without telling him, go for dinner and lunch parties, conceal everything from him, try to taste all my freedom for the last few days. And then the things turned bad, the discussions and reconciliations were no more fruitful, the engagement was broken. And I felt it IS the end of my life, the last chance I had of living normally. This was the time when Harry Potter came in. A wizard full of woes. Life is never simple for him, despite his various talents and fame. It was the same time when the escheatment project began. That was a new thing for me as well, some new kind of work, so I used to be engrossed all day in it. And in the evening, I still remember, I'd almost run home, all the way from madiwala to my place, almost 20 min walk. And then (this is during the first couple of months - when I didn't have the books, I used to read e books), it'd be like, glued to the laptop. I'd eat while reading, and hate to fall asleep at night. Harry's world became my own world. Amidst all the turmoil that was going on then, the usual yes no yes no game, I wanted to forget my world. Harry welcomed me in. Permitted me to get lost, in the magic. Real magic I should say. Where wizards also suffer, and are torn apart. I loved those days. It took probably 3 months for me to complete the series, and I loved that entire duration. Switching back and forth, Escheatment and Harry Potter.

3rd part was actually the most traumatizing. All this while, Anand had been like a shadow in my life. After 22nd Nov, everything changed. I was alone in a way, I have never been earlier. It was a suffering I couldn't share. I felt scared. I felt stifled. I couldn't tell anybody. For 3 months nobody knew. After Anand's marriage in Feb, I told my mom. Then I told Smitha. All these days, Anitha was the only person who knew. But Anitha was very busy at that time. She had to plan whether to quit the job, when to fly to US, what to do there. There was no one with whom I could sit and cry. Anitha didn't want me to suffer. She'd take me for shopping and urge me to be normal. I still remember an incident. I had gone for shopping to megamart. I left my phone in the trial room. The last dialed number was Deepti's. The shop owner had called her. She, not knowing what to do, had called back Anand. When I got back my phone, and called her, she asked why Anand didn't reply properly. I couldn't tell her even then. I carried this burden on my heart for such a long time, couldn't tell anyone, that he has finally abandoned me. I felt so guilty, as if I have violated the basic norms a girl should follow, hence not even one man could tolerate me. And it was in this time, that I discovered Edward Cullen. I really really thank Stephanie Meyer for being such a good writer. For creating such an intense character. This person, who lived alone for a century, because he didn't find the right girl, won me over for his dedication. He, an imaginary man, made me forget all the wrong that men have done to me. Edward Cullen got me going, in a time when I'd have probably died, I was so unsure of myself.

Final bliss is what I am having now. It all started with Gaaner Opare. Mom and dad used to speak about Rabindra Sardhosatobarsho, but I was least bothered. Mom and dad know almost all Tagore's songs by heart, but they never took the time out, to introduce me to this world. Tagore was a half known entity to me. By magic only perhaps, I started watching Gaaner Opare in youtube. And then gradually I got into this frenzy. I'd wait all day for the moments to pass, and just rush to home and tune in to you tube. Each new song I heard opened a new world to me. I started listening to the same song in the voice of different people, appreciate each rendition, and get lost. A time came, and it is still going on, when I'd sleep humming one song, and wake up in the morning with the same tune. All day, one or the other song will keep coming back to my mind. I started humming in office also. Authentic Tagore's song in Praha. The sitar tune of "Aji jharo jharo mukhor badal dine" would play in the back of my mind, when I'd be particularly ecstatic in my discovery of the various beauties of Praha, I'd sing to myself, "Jaton kore apnake je...rekhe chhilem dhuye meje...anonde se dhulay lutechhe". It would be a mistake to say it's only Tagore's song, once in a while Suman would come back to me..."athoba swan lake...mem ballerina...tomaar tulona konodin janbe na"...but it's mostly Tagore. No one presented him in such a way before, no one told me that this stuff, that someone wrote a century back, can bring so much light in my life. Urge me to live. To be happy. Not to give up. To trust myself. Tell me, I haven't done anything wrong. I needn't suffer. I have loved. And love is bliss. I thank Rituparno so so much, I once again am appalled at the kind of talent that only South Point can produce. When I needed it most, I got the direction from a fellow pointer.

Now to end up. You know this, don't you? I remember how you used to laugh...and say that I am following my bliss for a long time now. You were bliss. You changed my world. You loved me in a way nobody ever did. I wrote this once out of terrible terrible exasperation.

"I sincerely wish life would have been a film and it would have ended in 3 hours…I also wish love didn’t have so many categorizations…it makes life more difficult, hatred I can understand, indifference I can understand…but extreme love, but not “that kind” of love….I don’t understand…and why should people having enough maturity not understand other people’s agony and at least care to leave them alone…taking for granted that they really cannot help…why this care…why this concern…doesn’t it hurt even more?

Finally to summarize, why don’t people know their minds???

And why was I not born a vegetable…at least devoid of a mind…."

I don't care these days about you. You have changed. You have finally learned to leave me alone. Though that hurts like hell, the very fact that you are finally able to do this, tells me that you don't care any more. You are still bliss, will always be. Otherwise, during the cruise on Vlatva yesterday, why was it that all I remembered was, that particular day on the boat, and your tarzan pose for me :) I often say this to myself, you are a part of me, assimilated in me, you can't go away. But at the same time, the truth as on today, is that you don't care. I have accepted that, as I have accepted this solitude. I keep discovering newer bliss, become childish and think of falling in love once again (after all its love that keeps you young). But things never work out. Because I belong to you, probably. And I am still that snob, I used to be. But, you will be happy to hear, that all said and done, life's good. The future might be difficult, but as on today I am blissfully unaware of anything on earth than can cause pain. I love my world of literature and music, and care a fig for company of lesser human beings. I am in love with myself, after a long long time.

anekdiner pare...

ghumer abesh ashe..
kachhei ghumer desh...
sab peyechhi-r asor sethay
bhalo lagar resh...
banchte jadi chas...
aar banchte nahi pas...
swapon dekhe jabi..
moner aaram pabi...
asol bhule jaa..
nakol niyei thak
ke bole ta mithya...
tar bhabna tatei phank...
saara diner kaaj
aar herey jaoar laaj...
swapon desh ta rangeen baro
phool phutechhe aaj
mon deeghi te tomaar chhaya
hawa-r sparshe tomay paoa
aajke tomaar hariye jaoa
dekhay na aar bhoy...
ekla bancha jay na tobu...
chesta korte hoy...
ghumnagari-r rajkumari-r
ghum je bhangar noy..
taari majhe asambhab-er
swapno dekhte hoy...

Let me discover myself!

Saradindu...my favorite author...he was a champion in understanding human nature. He only said...in one of his short stories, if a girl loves a boy, surest way of knowing that is...she will be missing him, and getting worried, if he doesn't show up. And if a guy loves a girl, he will feel like giving her lots of gifts :)

I don't know of the guy part. I missed you today. I was worried. I looked for you everywhere, amidst the self imposed curfew. I could see some orange shirt around your place, and said to myself, this is not him, he can't wear this color - see I have got to know your tastes so well...

Why do I have the feeling that you have cold? I hope you are fine. Miss you. I want to spend an entire day with you...only you. Just a day. We will walk around and see the city in the morning. And in the night we'll go and drink :) And we'll talk all the time, and never about work, I promise...I don't know what got me that day. Even I want not to hold myself back. Will you let me live, please? I want a life.

Bus boldiya. Now it's your turn to find out this post and ask me out. I am such a romantic fool na?

If you ask me, I won't say no - I have drank apple and cinnamon tea (it was dreadful). So whatever other tea you ask me, red, green, orange :( anything. I need you. I know we are not very good friends, and what's going on in my mind, I cannot speak aloud. But you seem very close. I must be crazy. Nikhil wants me to ask you out. How can I? You will run away this time, surely. You know something? Even Anitha laughed, mostly at your surname, and she also thinks I am crazy. But I keep looking out for you, all day. I am especially impressed by your dressing sense. And you look like some olden day Bengali hero in my eyes. It's just two weeks left, and we might never meet again. Who knows about life, life is so uncertain. Who knows whether I will come back.

I want it to happen by April. I want to discover you. You might have time till May, I don't. Please hurry up, for my sake.

I am crazy. Ignore me, don't pay heed. But on second thoughts, please do...

tara dekheo dekhe na...tara bujheo bujhena...tara phireo na chaye... :(

Bigrohopal ki tar Joubonoshree ke chhere etodin thakte parto? Difficult question.

Tarpor? Kal raate shona aha aaji e basante...mon pran jure achhe...kaaj (ta se jatoi biroktikor hok) korchhi...r gun gun kore gaan o gaichhi...hathat dustu buddhi jaglo...

o aage ekbaar coffee khete esechhilo...tapor ki bhebe cup ta coffee m/c er pore rekhe chole galo...

keno kachhe asho? keno michhe haso? kachhe je ashito se to ashite na chaye?

Mone proshno...kaaj...gaan...jal khaoa...baddo gala shokay ekhane...

minute 20 bade phire elo...opore jekhane cha er saranjaam rakha thake...okhane khut khut korchhe...dekhi jaler glass phaka...khanik apon mone haslaam...kapot rage..kapale karaghat o korlaam...tappor gelaam jal bhorte...

jaler m/c ta ektu ajab...r ami ki sotyi jal bhorte gechhi...mone takhon hajaar chinta...Sir Lancelot er saamne Lady of Shallot...ta ami jal bhorte bhorte bhule gechhi botaam ta tipe rakhte hoy...or dike takiye achhi...edike kathao bolchhi na...hathat kheyal holo jal para bandho hoye gachhe...phik kore hese aabar jal bhoray mon dilaam...emni samay o pashe eshe aste bollo..."Good Morning". Nijer moner anondo domiye ghadir dike mon dilaam..."Chalo morning hai"..."Morning hi hai"...ekei bole seyane seyane kolakuli (? ehum ehum) aah awaj diyo na...bolte cheyechhi aamra dujonei perfectionist...ekta mil to thakte habe naki?

Pupu to ar se Pupu nei...e holo rabindrik Pupu. Kintu ore aamar adorer Pupu, tor sab parichay pore...Fine Akkel aage... :( ki kukkhone KVR er mail esechhilo...joining Fine Akkel...jeebon tai sesh hoye galo...

Tai...jekhane background e bajar katha...ketechhe ekela biraher bela...chhokra ti keo ami dosh di na...se dibbi romantically i shuru korechhilo...dikhti nahi ho aajkal...bahut kaam hai kya etc etc...kintu tarpor Pupu shuru korlo Fine Akkel, and work...ohh...the busy me...

Coming to the chhokra...(bilkul jaise aap mere kaan mein bole...chhokri...abhi tak?) well...he's very intelligent. I being quite as much intelligent, admitted so much...hum ladkiyon mein via media bahut baat chaltihai...but jai balo ami sab maante pari...can't accept him as a womanizer...charming, definitely. But not playful.

Tabe ja bhoy dekhiyechho maa...r o tomaar pashe gheshbe na...baapre...aabar na ghyan ghyan shuru kore...ami tuk kore bole diechhi je ami chole jachhi...Nikhil bolchhe...anekta Pupe r baba r thami r style e...pathe naamo...nijer prem ke joy kore nao...kaaj nei baba...buri boyeshe bhimroti te...

Sukhe achhe jara...sukhe thak tara...sukher basanto...sukhe hok saara...
Dukhini naarir...nayaner neer...sukhijane jeno...dekhite na paye...

Going back to 1998 (flashback flashback...takhon ki jantum SSR editor habe aar aamar omon prem kahini ti purotai edit kore chhete phelbe? jadi tare nai chini go seki - Gora thakle baniye phelto ekta chadmo rabindrasangeet....se tomaake chinbe naki...jeebon ta je baroi phaki...jaanbe go...bujhbe go...)...uff baddo phichel hoechhi...aamar kora sashon darkar...

So going back to 1998, sejdi bhai er biye...26th Jan if I am not very mistaken...I watch...Dil To Pagal Hai...and worship the movie...or rather the dialogue..."woh mujhe batayega". And here comes the secret part. If someone gave a search of Fine Akkel and reached this page (karo aamar moto sense of humor achhe ki?), read no further...this is a girl's own world. DO NOT intrude.

It was pink at first...I wondered what it is. The entire discussion of "European" came up because of that strange drink...then it occurred to me...strawberry tea is it? "Cherry"...he said, "Cherry". The pink grew brighter. It somehow reminded me of the nasty stuff you loved. Ice peach tea. Yuk stuff totally...and how you loved it. I still believe you didn't marry me because I didn't drink that...your lady must have obliged you :@ ...so it was probably taking on that color...then it turned pretty reddish. He also said something pertaining to drinking blood. And then something brought to my mind "woh mujhe batayega"...uff baba Pupu sona...kato nyakamoi korte paro...

D'bhai you remember those dreams? Or visions...or impressions? Why did they seem so vivid? Is it only because I look for a respite? How many girls are there, who are this alone? Like me, like Assya, like the girls in Cecelia Ahern's novels...just looking for a life? Will they never come out of their shells? Demand what they deserve?

5 months of living without you...

To sing for you...you keep me awake...
o my heart wrenching pain...
you startle me and hit my heart...o the cause of my sleepless nights...

As the night dawns, the birds return to their nests...
the boats return to the quay...
its only my mind that doesn't get any rest...o my heart wrenching pain...

Amidst my whole day's work...u didn't allow my tears to sublime for a moment..
u touch me..fill my heart with bliss...and then go away...
it seems you hide beneath my agonizing existence...o the cause of my sleepless nights...

Aamar sakal raser dhara...

Gimmick bodhhoy bole sabdo take...Rabi Thakur o ki tai bolben? Meye ta aamar gaaner naam niye blog lekhe (achha Rabi Thakur ki janen..blog kare koy...) r nijer jato sab paglamor katha lekhe...

Achha aamar 31 bachhar 5 mash boyesh hote chollo...ami baro hoi na keno? Buri hoye gelaam...tobu baro hoi na keno? Ar dhanyo Joges Ray, kon rakto je shareer e boichhe...nijeke je kon rani mone kori :) uff bolle biswas korbe na...naak ta na sotyi uchu hoye gachhe....maa je eto dukkho peto...bocha nak...dibbi tikolo naak hoechhe aajkal...etao bodhhoy Europe er daan...

Jak se katha...ami ki gimmick kori? na baba na....ami ganer jaani ki? tao rabindrasangeet? Ei to sedin parichay holo...gaaner saathe...

Hyaan ta theek...gaaner saathe parichay aamar pare hoechhe...bolte gele class IX e, kintu setake bodhhoy parichay bola theek habe na...bola bhalo punormilon...

Baba barabar gaaner poka...aamader barite katto record...chhoto baro...diner seshe ghumer deshe...ek pith hoye gele baba ghuriye dito...takhon baki gaanta bajto...ekhon aamar ipod e ektana shona jaye...bhari subidha....

Sei amol thekei sarod r setar khub priyo...r sabrakam jantro sangeet bhalo lage...sei taanei synthesizer ta kena...kintu...bajate parlaam koi? Ore grihobashi r sange naki 3 bachhar boyeshe shantiniketan giye nechechhilaam...tai ba kothay mone thaklo? Jeebon ta barabar i erokam...kono kichhur parinati ghote na...sesh hoye hoilo na sesh....

Sandip sir paraten mone achhe...Chandara bollo...maron...aah maa go...beche thakar ki kono rasad nei? aamar shahor ta baddo taane...bhaloy mandoy...CPM trinamool e...metroy...taxi te...garame...dushane....baro taane...

keno mon shakto kore ami aamar shahor tay chole jachhi na...sekhane baba achhe...maa achhe...dida achhe...bhai ke bolle bhai o eshe thakbe...ami to eka noi...keno ami nijeke michhi michhi kashto dichhi? biye korbona er maane to ei noy je ebhabe eka thakbo? gumre morbo? aaram kake bole mamon? eta aaram noy...eta bibhrom....taka aar chai na...ja achhe jathesto...

kintu tumio jano...amio jaani...je ami jabo na...keno na jeebon ke jato sahaj bhaba jay...jeebon oto ta sahaj na...panchadashi kishori je gaanta sikhechhilo...aaj baddo mone pore...Rabindranath er gaan noy...e ek pagol er lekha gaan :)

Badla raate brishti jhare...mon je aamar kemon kore...
aamar chokher jale bondhu matth kore thoi thoi...
Gaange jowar elo phire...tumi ele koi?

Aami bhalobashi ei desh ta. Dibbi eka thaka jaye...nijer chotto sansar...office theke phire ranna kora...gaaner opare dekha laptop e...youtube e...ranna seshe...Hemanta Lata r duet..chanchal mon anmona hoy jei taar chhoya lage...achha Hemanta ki Lata ke etoi bhalo basten, je "jei tar chhuya lage" eto mishti laglo...r uchharon ta thik korlen na? :) :) Tumi aamar kemon bhalobashar manush, je tomay konodin kono adorer naam diyni? Tomaar nijer naam tai eto sundar..pran ta juriye jaye...

Ami bhalo achhi...seta tumio jano...tai phire dakho na...noyto...eksamay to kato chinta korte...ami bhalo achhi...

Besh achhi...dibbi achhi...eka thaka kake bole? Tumi to achho...ami to jantaam ei abostha hote cholechhe aamar...ami to jantaam...

ei dekho ami ki likhechhilaam...

They say that if God has created two souls for each other, he also takes care that their mortal selves meet each other on this earth. They might not recognize each other the first time they meet, perhaps not even in the second or third time…it happens often that they never get to know why God made them meet, or at times one of them never realizes, and the other deliberately keeps silent.

Diya woke up early that morning. She was very tired. She couldn’t even remember if she had slept in the night. But she knew she had gained a strange foresight. She already knew what lay ahead of her. Her destiny was cracked like the accident that happened the previous day. She walked lethargically towards the station and when the train came she got inside mechanically. She stood in a corner as if she badly wanted to hide from the entire world. She wanted her mind to be strong, to suffer silently in the happiest moments of her life that was her present, when she had the company of her soul mate, but she knew about the future as well, she knew that these days were numbered and the lonely days that were to come would outnumber them soon, and leave her desolate, for she knew she had no hope and that she won’t speak.

E sei din...jedin aamra dujon dheere dheere...aste aste...bondhu hoechhilaam....ami chaini...ami chaini...ami jantaam e jinis hote cholechhe...ami sedin jantaam...tomaar biyer din jantaam...aajo jaani...sudhu jani na aar katodin...

diner aalo nibe elo..sujyi dobe dobe...
aakash jure megh korechhe chander lobhe lobhe...

bibahobarshiki kake bole ami ki jaani...baba maa r bibahobarishiki bade r kichhu to dekhini...prothom dekha haoar tithi - tomaar ki chhai moneo achhe? r bhalo to konodin bashoni...tai preetibarshiki typer o kichhu nei aamader... :)

dukkho korona...ami jani aajker din ta tumi o gunchho...aaj 5 maash holo tai na? ami je katota jedi tumi jano..tumi je katota jedi ami jaani...dekha jak katodin paro? dekha jak...e jeebon tuku ami ladai kore katiye debo...aamar gaan niye...aamar kaaj niye...dui i tomaar deoa...tomaar sekhano...

Edin aaji...

Konodin aajker din ta serokam bhabe celebrate korini. It has always been 18th August, never 18th April. You might not even know the significance of today's date. Aaj aamader prothom dekha haoar din.

To quote from Before I Forget, "She hardly knew that the morning that followed would be the most magical morning in her life. " As the title of this post suggests, kar jeebone prabhat aaji ghochay andhokaar...emoni bhabe sedin aandhar ghochale...je aaj obdi aandharei dube roilaam...

A lot has changed in your life. I know. But what has changed for me in the last 4 years? I never found time to ponder over this. I have been so lost in you. The non existent you. Why do I exist? You didn't even give me a chance to serve you in a way Pradipta served Pupe. Tomaar charon dhulay dhulay dhusar habo...even that couldn't happen. Prem, Puja, Byarthota...samarthak...didn't get it? You should. Love, worship, failure...the three words seem synonymous to me.

I wonder if I'd live 4 years hence. And if I'd still remember you. I hope not. I wish not.

Freedom...

I know I shouldn't get so irritated, but I can't help it. Why are people having such a one track mind? Why do they feel that a girl has to get married. I hate it when so called elders bug me about marriage. I won't marry. Period.

See, I have nothing against marriage. But marriage is not a compulsion in life. Get married only if you get the right guy. If not why add more complications to life. I am a normal person, I want a life. It is not that I really enjoy staying in the room and writing long prose. But just for the sake of companionship, you can't bend yourself na? Tell me, a girl of my age and achievements, is it even prudent for her to be shown to prospective in laws, to walk in front of them and talk about things you know...to prove you are normal? And not having met the guy, you get married. And then you find your worlds are totally different. And first and foremost, I hate Bengali men. They are the greatest hypocrites alive. In fact the entire Indian menfolk segment is like that. All they know is to boss and impose and have their own way. I am a girl who has never been able to be assertive this far. But today, after a grueling 31 years of life, I can finally say NO very loud and clear. No man is going to boss over me. Period.

Yes, I know it's difficult. No one knows it better than me. I also know that things will only worsen. I will become more and more lonely. But it's ok. At least I am having my own way. I have not become a "sevadasi" of a fellow human.

Let's see how long we can sustain. But few things are very clear to me. No arranged marriage. No searching. If it has to happen, it will happen. I shall not force anything on myself.

Ganer Opare

Ganer Opare seems the most amazing serial that has happened in recent times...its like bringing back the magic of Tagore, to the current generation. See I will be neutral. I never had it in me, that particular worshiping mentality for Tagore. Fascination is a different thing, but you know, that nagging culture orientation was never my cup of tea, in fact I detest those people who have it. Like Suman says, "bachhare tirish baar chitrangada aar shyama shapmochoner asrumochon" - Rabindranath er naam-e ei nyaka nyaka asrumochon aamar asojhyo laage...

Jak se katha. It's actually difficult to write about Tagore in English. But I want to reach out to as many people as possible (though nobody reads my blog :( anyways)...but we are deviating from the topic. So, apart from Tarun Majumder, Satyajit Ray and Tapan Sinha (I know the general Bengali "aantel" public will once again raise their eyebrows at this particular ordering, but see Aalo, you'll know how to take Tagore to the grass root level, without even uttering his name once, so Tarun Majumder comes before Satyajit), how many people have really experimented with Tagore? I won't speak here about theater, as that's one form of art I am not very acquainted with. Anyways, then comes Rituparno, with Heerer Angti. Now, please don't react as yet, I know the writer of Heerer Angti. If ever there was a "greatest fan" championship for Shirshendu (only his childrens' novels), I don't know who'd win ultimately, but both me and my kid brother will be in the finals. But see the touch man, here comes a movie, from a debutant attempt that too...in sadhu bhasha. See the dare. And then comes Chokher Baali. People might say I know nothing of cinema, but the movie "Chokher Baali" seemed to me to be even better than "Ghare Baire". The suffering, the social stigma apart, that the life of a girl is going to have limitations, given all social advances, is shown in a far better and matured way in Chokher Baali. It leaves a message, come what may, girls emerge only stronger. The last scene of both the movies show that a girl's fate doesn't change, but Ghare Baire ends in darkness, Chokher Baali ends in light. You may ask, is there any difference, if a person dies at daytime, or if death comes at night. Even I am thinking about that...

Ganer Opare is what Rituparno has made it. I DO NOT trust in the "Rabindrikota" of the producer couple. So, Rituparno's in or out of this project doesn't really make a difference to me. His charm lingers.

Love the character of Gora. I don't like anything apart from the name of Pupe, I remember my dad telling me when I was a kid, meye aamar Pupe, jakhon baro habe...and a smile comes over. Call me girlish, or call me a bitch, if Pupe is so "Rabindrik", she shouldn't put so much eye shadow :(. But yes, Gora is different. Gora is spontaneous. Very much like the real Gora. Next time I come to Prague, I'll at least get the "upanyas" volumes of Rabindra Rachonabali...and aah, Saradindu's Tumi Sandhyar Megh and Bohu Juger Opar Hote, but again we are deviating.

But let's deviate na, who cares. It's been half a month now, that he hasn't talked. He hasn't even bothered. Bigrohopal ki tar Joubonoshree ke chhere etodin thakte parto? Difficult question.

Aagar mile khudah to...poochhonga khudaya...
Jism mujhe deke mitti ka...sheeshe sa dil kyon banaya?
Aur uspe diya fitrat ke woh karta hai mohabbat..wah re wah teri kudrat...
Wah re wah teri kudrat...uspe de diya kismat...kabhi hai milan kabhi furqat...
Kabhi hai milan kabhi furqat...hai yehi kya woh mohabbat...wah re wah teri kudrat...

I was listening to "naina" yesterday. Today the whole day went in listening to my favorite songs. Discovered couple of long lost songs - loved them in my childhood, aaja sohneya (was surprised to discover Sameer Soni in it...all I remembered was Sharbani... And he looks pretty much the same even today). Then o yaara ve...and noorie...the Bally Sagoo mix...oops, almost literally went to another world. Khoya khoya chand...Diya Mirza so sweet and graceful...love you tube...really. And then again, coming back to Kareena, mere humsafar...aah...the beat...Kareena seems to have been a particular favorite of my bossie, he used to like all her songs, Naina, Taal pe jab, Roshni se...not to mention Jab We Met. Did he like Mujhe Kuchh Kehna Hai too?

But coming back to my Bigrohopal. I wrote here once, that our friendship will work out. When the other day, I was told that I may need to come back by 20th July, I gave myself a chuckle and almost said it aloud, "perfect timing!" But better if I come few days later. Like I joined his project 2 days later :) Still wished him happy birthday, that's a different story. I won't be a part of the party. I am not his friend. I am pretty sure now, that our friendship will not work out. I don't want to be humiliated more. "Naina" told me once more, I should have been more bold. But tell me what I would have achieved? What was it that I didn't tell him? What more can a girl say, without losing her self respect? Did he want me to beg to him? Would I have been better off today, had I begged and been turned down? Or, if by some remote means, been accepted after begging? I don't know. He is right in one thing. Whatever he would have done to me, I would have continued being blind to him. As I am today. I know I am in a miserable state, at times I tell myself why I didn't try harder when it could have mattered, but when I think with a rational mind, I feel I have done enough. It's he who didn't do.

Gora is spontaneous, coming back to Ganer Opare. He has that inborn talent. And the ease of expression. The "straight from the heart" man. Upright and conclusive. When he says something, that's the end of the discussion. You can not argue with a person like Gora. And when he sings...my my...I am all in awe about Samantak's voice. The way he has sung "Aha tomaar shange praner khela" is a revelation in itself. Never for one moment does the "puja" and "nibedan" in his voice fluctuates while singing the song. It only intensifies as the song progresses. It brings about the ultimate level of dedication that the tune demands.

Hoyto aager paragraph ta Bangla-y likhle anek bhalo bojhano jeto. Kintu ami chai biswa jure loke Rabindranath ke januk. Aamar e baje bokar modhye jatotuku sarmarmo lukiye achhe...ta jadi ekjon manushkeo anupranito kare...ami dhanyo habo. Ami jani aamar lekha keu parena...tobu ami morey geleo ei lekha ta to thakbe. Jadi keu konodin pare...jante chesta kore ki jadu achhe...jate...andho jane deho alo...mrito jane deho pran...sotyi hoye othe...gato kaekmaash ami beche achhi kabiguru ke niye...ebang tar anyotamo madhyom nisandehe Ganer Opare...

I will finish with Pradipta. Pradipta is my brother's name, so that itself is ample reason for the fondness I have developed for him. But the extreme patience, and handling of emotions and turmoils in such a manly way, holding back, hiding, and yet getting tormented inside...aah, this is what a man should be like. Had I been Pupe, I would definitely have been in a similar position, no girl in her right mind can really decide whom to love more, Gora or Pradipta, and finally settle for Gora mostly for the obvious childishness and absolute dependency he shows. But if you think harder, Gora ceases to exist without Pupe, isn't it much easier a thing to do than what Pradipta does? Continue to exist, in much the same way, being thoroughly broken within? Can it get more dreadful?

But you know what, I stopped watching it. Somehow magic doesn't remain magic, once the magician changes. I am not a girl who succeeds to find a stop gap solution...I have miserably failed in that, always.

So...at the end of the day (is it going to be like this for one more year? do I really have to live that long?)...aamar ei path chaoa tei anondo...

Megh doot

I hate it when it rains. It is like, you are all over me. I can smell you. I can feel you. 4 years later, such huge distance away, you just come and stand beside me. We look out of the window together. You talk softly. Something very irrelevant, just so that I don't get overwhelmed by your presence. Why do you do this to me. Leave me alone. You heard na, what people say about me? That I am a bad girl, I don't know commitment? Then why the hell am I still committed to you? Why have I never been able to detach myself from you, when you got married, after your kid was born? I hate rain...still I get wet in it. I brace myself in the cold wind, as if you are holding me. I hate life...I wish I could die.

Come back...come back...

mon mor megher sangi :)

Oh I just loved it...it was as if, she was alive after so many years :)

The hide and seek continues as usual, and I am mostly a silent and often irritated witness to it, and keep holding her back. Stupid girl, I say, don't you dare to make a fool of me and you. And she, reluctantly though, listens to me. But she is a happy person, keeps smiling to herself :)

And it went like this. It was not the danger zone, where she, very pretentiously acts as if she doesn't care a fig. It was just a corridor in the elevator area (aah, after how many days do I use this term...elevator area), and she was walking very fast, had some scan to do in the other room, when she felt...that she heard his voice, and just tilted her head...slightly. And there he was, adamantly staring at her, while talking to his friends. She didn't slacken her pace, quickly swiped her card, and entered the other room. And as she walked towards the scanner, she blushed, and hid her face in her hand.

It was amazing. I was very silent. This is a girl. Who cares if she is 20 or 30. She is just a girl in love. No lady doggy, no kid. Very much human, very feminine.

Ogo dukho jaganiya...

My last night's post was nothing short of scandalous. I am usually not a girl who goes to this extent. Perhaps the delirium of the win, mingled with old memories of happiness, and the usual sense of longing and companionship one looks for, having spent around two days alone inside a room, cut off from the rest of the civilization, gave rise to the tumultuous post.

Had a rather disturbed sleep last night. For a long time I thought about deleting the post. Almost, almost a similar situation as June 2006, only that time it was a life, this time it's just a post. And this time I allow it to live. I am four years older now, after all. I admit that I live on, because of the sacrifice done on that day, nonetheless I live on with a scar. I can't suppress myself every time. If this brings about chaos, let it. If this doesn't, well and good. No expectations, I have just silently spoken out my mind.

I thought of making my blog private as well. But the other time I did it, it was to save a relationship (which I couldn't save finally). Now I do not have any such qualms whatsoever. I don't have any relationship to save now. If at all anything comes up in future, I'd be happy not to hold back anything from the person I am going to share life with. You may ask, what about his life. Who cares? Sounds un-Pupu like? Well, the fact remains, I care for him, I care for the baby, but NOT for his existing relationships.

All said and done, I realize that having said this, I will gradually come out of the madness. That's why had to take it out. Had to make myself discover, that it is wrong to continue endowing him with a "God-like" image. He knew, he felt, and he could have changed things if he wanted. He just didn't want. He is very much a human, and so am I, and I need to move on.

The last post, was more of a harsh blow to me, than to him, in order to bring me back to reality. Hope I succeeded.

na...bana kar pila bhi de..

Bahut yaad aa raheho...
Adhi raat hai...neend nahi arahihai... bahut jyada yaad aa raheho....
Ekdam bhool gaye kya mujhe...

I waited with baited breath, for a single communication from your side. You never bothered. Yeh aap hi ne kaha ttha na?

haan..infact i also want to ..reply..thn thought kuch soch kar likhoonga

kab likkhoge aap? kabhi meri yaad nahi aati hai kya?

Kabhi kabhi I can't control myself. So much for getting alienated from you. Going far far away from your life. So much for not mentioning you in my blog. So much for not bothering you, not putting you in even any kind of far fetched mental trauma. At times I don't care. Aapko haq hai to mujhe bhi haq hai. I am not leading this lonely life for nothing. I have a right to let you know that I miss you. Duniya ko nahi...sirf aapko. At times I need to talk my mind out. Aapko bura lage to maaf karna. But I love you. I love you...

Tears of joy...

In our own small way, all of us have done something for our country...at least, if not all...the honest (albeit poor but not corrupt) section of the 100 crore population...but nothing matches this feeling. In my life time we have won 2 more world cups, but the memory seems vague. This win is incredible. Cricket at its best, and team spirit at its best.

Mahindra Singh Dhoni...standing ovation for what you did. You showed what a captain should do, in a moment of trouble. You sure had a shot of Felix, isn't it :)

I discovered an unknown version of myself...shouting at the top of my voice, my hands are still red from clapping. I loved every moment of the game, and was always always sure of winning it. I went numb, stopped breathing, but never gave up hope. That I can be such a positive thinker, was a revelation to myself. Not only in this game, as we went through the Aussie match, the Paki match...every time I was surprisingly sure of the win. Don't know wherefrom the positive vibes came, but we did it in the end.

I shall remember the night of April 2nd, 2011 all my life. Probably I have forgotten better nights than this, which I promised to remember. Because none gave me such everlasting joy as this one. This is something that doesn't fade away because of the everyday trauma of life. This is something that makes life beautiful. Compels you to live.

Sachin, like I said, someone who is as good a human being as you, worships you. For his sake, I wanted you to get this world cup. I hope he is even happier today, than I am. I don't know if he thinks I have been a deterring factor in his life. But to this day, nothing matters more to me, than a smile on his face. Thanks Sachin, for having been an inspiration to the best person I have met in my life. May you keep showering glory on India, and do us proud.

I am proud of my country, I always have been. Can't even think how there can be people who have been born in India and say, that they don't like the country. Anyways, this is not the right day to discuss hypocrisy. Its time to end my speech though :)

We love blue, and may the tricolor soar this high, for all ages to come.

ICC Cricket World Cup Final - match is ours...just waiting for the moment...

Aah, Cricket World Cup Final...can't tell you about the excitement. Pupu, like a really good and disciplined girl, got up from bed, took a shower, dressed up in blue shirt and blue shorts (she didn't even want to wear anything in dark blue, carefully distinguished between the two shades :) and is shouting herself hoarse and clapping loudly, ever since then, inside a closed room. Just she and the laptop...would look quite crazy to the outside world. This is our match now, come what may...I'm confident.

Funny part was listening to dada's commentary. Very Bengali accent, though he's trying his best to suppress it and bring about his Xaverian self...I listen to it with chuckles in between. Dada is not a Shastri...he doesn't have that magic. I love seeing dada in action, dada's not commentator material u see...he's just what he is...the man who took off his shirt and waved it in Lord's balcony...Aah the sense of achievement he brought about :) What Surya Sen couldn't, Netaji couldn't, he did. Killed the bloated ego of the brits. Bengal beats england...how cool does that sound :)

Rahul remains my favorite though. He's the type of person I can connect with. Cool, composed, determined. I being a person driven primarily by determination (zero talent, negative luck, 200% karenge ya marenge mentality), I still worship the Wall.

But just for today's game, I am all for your favorite sports person. He is God, like you are. He deserves all happiness, all success, like you do.

And its got to be captain's luck. Dhoni's a good captain. He has that killing instinct. So my tagline reads, "Felix Felicis to Dhoni Bhaiya...pls pls". I wanted it to read, the title of this post...but leave it. Let us wait for the moment to arrive.

I love cricket. Especially in the moments in gets marginal. And in the moments you make it square from a hopeless situation. But today, nothing can go wrong. And nothing will go wrong.