Saturday, December 17, 2011

Abhimaan...

Excerpts from a certain edition of The Telegraph - Calcutta:

Educationist Pabitra Sarkar says it is difficult to find the English equivalents of two kinds of words in Bengali. One: cultural terms like abhisar and abhiman, used to such rich effect in Vaishnava padabalis.

Abhiman: The original meaning was pride, but the current usage — anger, or something close to it, at being upset with a loved one. This one word is one whole chapter in any relationship, be it between lovers or between parent and child or between siblings or friends. Or just think Radha, when Krishna comes back after having spent the night with Chandrabali.

Poet Sankha Ghosh misses the emotion in the word abhiman in the English vocabulary. “Try to translate it. Abhiman is not anger or sorrow. It is a temporary expression of a feeling about a loved one that he or she is supposed to address. People speaking in other languages must also be feeling the sentiment. I wonder how they express it,” he says.


Abhimaan will soon become my most favorite word, if it's already not the one.

Abhimaan is something that stems from love. It comes only when someone declares you to be precious, through act or words, that you feel abhimaan subsequently, when you lose that position. It's the trauma of internal hemorrhage, you feel the lack of care so intensely, yet you cannot plead, neither can you understand why on earth are you being punished, what has changed in the meanwhile.

I try to be normal. I try not to be obsessive. The anger comes out in a more skewed way than I could ever imagine. I don't know why I am being forced to go through this. A clear NO would solve my problem. But that won't come. I'm losing my patience in its entirety. I hate situations which I can't explain.

Today I went to meet a friend. A very old school friend, whom I was meeting almost after 13 years. She, by the way, is perfectly nice, except for some traits which I can't support. She can be very bitter and one sided in criticism. Things that I can naturally accept...she can't. Things like a friend's small and cluttered house. My house was never well decorated (recently things are getting better) - so I never felt it can be some big deal. And, fact is that I tend to accept things the way they are. I don't ask questions. Surprising thing was, when I visited the house of this particular friend, I found it in a much worse condition than either mine or the previous friend's house she had criticized. That kind of made me conclude that she must love criticism. But apart from this one small thing, she really isn't harmful. And though I was a bit stiff during the meeting, said the right things, paid for the food and tried to be in sync with her thoughts (I had actually thought of wearing salwar suit and gold ornaments so that she doesn't find me ultra modern - but finally ended up wearing jeans and a pretty revealing t-shirt), the meeting did go well. I mean school...brings back a lot of memories. School was something crazy, some good time. However in between the conversation, she did say something like - one other common friend, via another common friend had intimated her about my break up, in a sentence like - whichever guy she finds, hands her his marriage card.

Frankly speaking, it didn't matter much if a common friend has actually used this sentence (or a thought like - what a laughing stock I must be among my friends - didn't really occur). What I felt is a terrible abhimaan. I had given up on life, on hopes. And he knew that. He knew me better than any other man has ever known. I am surprised to realize, he never knew what a single touch of his can do to me. And he doesn't understand how his ignorance drives me mad. None of my so called friends know about him. Hardly anyone would realize that yet another break up has occurred in my life, if we part ways now. Those who know, tried their best to stop me, and would sigh and accept the fact that I deserved it. But I'd always remember how it all got repeated. How yet another time, a person whom I have loved, handed me his marriage invitation. This time, it's my best friend who did it. Tell me, is it indeed possible to accept this situation ever? To tell myself, that he didn't do it purposefully - he's a kid? He wasn't a kid when he comforted me, he tried to induce new life in me, he made me laugh like a child. He was a proper grown up sensitive person. Now, that things didn't work out, and unlike my friend, I don't really tend to criticize people, he becomes a kid, is it?

Why are men like this? Why was Shri Krishna so insensitive to Radhika, and we still worship him? And can I call him my best friend anymore? I'm hurt, I'm hurt...

2 comments:

Unknown said...

It is touched my heart. I have gone through the same situation. So I can relate better. GOOD Luck.

Unknown said...

I have been looking for this for a while and I'm glad I found it. Touched me deeply.