Misgivings

The Siberia phase - eating food alone, sitting on a park bench and sobbing - Maya, as I remember her. Jitni thi khushiyan...sab kho chuke hain...bus ek gham hai ke jaata nahi...

I couldn't hold back for more than a day. I simply couldn't. I have been holding myself back from time immemorial. It was one small plea - "I want to be with him", and I had no way out than agreeing. I don't have a future. Nobody knows it better than me. Why waste today? He'd be angry, he might not let me in, worst case, though very unlikely, he might use foul words. But I had to reach out, all the same.

The apprehension was overwhelming. I have never done anything in life half as reckless. My big fat ego came before everything else. Well not any more. Yesterday, the downpouring rain told me that he's far more important, in fact, the most important person at the spur of the moment. You know why? Because he brings me happiness. Happiness in a way no one ever did.

I still maintain that I don't love him. I can't love a person who's not dependable. I know he'll go away anytime soon. If I start loving him, the emotional void will be intolerable. And anyways, he has none of the qualities I look for in my man. I openly tell him the truth. That I almost hate him. But he remains indispensable. He's my kid. That's about it.

To the extent that I kill my self respect for him. I feel no need for its existence in front of him. The 15 minutes wait in front of the lake, with the wet breeze cooling me down, was indeed awesome. I had all the chances to walk away. But I stood there rooted to the ground. I knew I couldn't waste the day. I had to be with him.

The evening in the ashram revealed a lot of things to me. Revealed that I have been serving undeserving, selfish people so long. They simply don't deserve me as a daughter/lover/friend. Even he is selfish, I know. But I can forgive him. He's my kid, doesn't understand the intricacies of life.

Today, I pretended as if I own the world. Was so happy and frolicking. But fact is, I'm not. I still live in that hole of a house, I walk for almost a hour just to deposit a check on the way. The bus was packed, in fact because of the rain, there was incredible amount of traffic jam. For once I thought of exercising my rights. I had to just call him up and ask him to drop me home. And then I realized, I don't have the right. I'm not his girlfriend. I had to deposit the check today itself, the money means a lot to me. I don't know on what I am going to spend my money. Now that I have abandoned all ideas of going home even, I have no one else in my world apart from me. Still slaving gives me pleasure. Slaving as in, being like the less fortunate people. Because who knows better than me, that I'm the least fortunate of them all. So I'm shoved and pushed in the bus, as I buy the ticket. Corporation Circle to Forum in an ordinary BMTC is 9 Rs. The driver come conductor took 11. I used my feeble Kannada - Forum 9 alva? He didn't bother to answer. I decided to forgive him, at least he didn't keep the money for himself. And anyways I'd be walking back the rest of the way. I don't deserve luxury.

It was one hell of a journey. The bus was barely moving. I turned on at full volume - the LCMD title track. I loved listening to this track when the bus would cruise through the elevated highway, a year and a half back. That time it was not much relevant, now it is. I moved on to Dil Hai ke Manta Nahin tracks - loved the movie as a kid. The typical chocolate romance, how can someone love you if he doesn't protect you? It was probably an Aamir Khan album, for next came up Pardesi. Pardesi is a real riveting song. I wrote in the deposit slip, walked almost 2 km, and simply sunk in the song. Haste aankhon ko aansun de jate hain...wada karke bhi na wapas aate hain...

It was then that I saw the dog again. I had seen it on Monday I guess. In the morning. I didn't feel then that it'd live 2 more days. He had a bandage on his tail. And you could see each bone of his body. Still, the family cares for him. Takes him out for walk, and brings him back. I wanted to cling to him and say, you'll live my dear, and so will I. Yesterday evening, as we were walking about, he said, he won't hesitate to kill a dog. Somehow I knew that already.

I am going to be 32. She told me, if possible I should preserve my egg. And get artificially inseminated after I get married. For the fertility rate is supposed to go down. I told her my apprehensions. Why should anyone marry me, after knowing this. I don't even deserve to be in a relationship. She said, you'd talk about these things before getting married.

Ya, he can kill a dog. I know that. All I can do in this life of mine, is to seek material pleasure. A meaningless promotion, some false appreciations, a great deal of bitching about so called idiots. What about the fact that I'm the greatest idiot on earth? Ya Aish got married at 34, now at 38 the world is waiting for her delivery it seems. But, she was blessed enough to get a husband. Even after all her follies. I loved Abhishek in LCMD. It takes a lot, to be a man like that. But I know I will not get those happiness. My life is like this dog. Who will die anyways, he's in such a bad shape. I can behave like a KJo and SRK fanatic for one day, "Hamesha apne mann ki suno" and all that crap - but next day, I again know my place. No God, and no amount of meditation can relieve my pain. When my cousin came back from a broken marriage, my uncle had told my dad, "She's lost her everything". She later went on to marry her childhood crush, at 32, and had a beautiful girl at 33. She didn't lose her everything. But I cannot have a miracle in life. Men in my life, understand only one word, "convenience". I have never been a convenient thing for them :)