Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The imminent uprooting...and realizations

Life is a fun thing. You never know what all you get to learn. And, just when life presents the opportunity to learn new things. Like...I never thought I'd become a travel desk person. Understand the nuances of flight booking. How, when, where, at what price, how many stop overs, what is the total flight duration. Everything has a say...in prolonging my self styled holiday. A few more hours of my stay with my parents. So I had to become an expert in this. In this too.
Being personal, and not being personal at the same time. I once commented about a HR colleague, that I can do her work better than her, besides doing my own work, but she can't do her own work...let alone even try to do my work. True that God didn't care to give me anything much, be He's given me loads of intelligence. That, added to sensitivity and an uncanny sixth sense can often do wonders. I am not skilled. I don't know an ounce of banking, honestly speaking. I am dull, I couldn't even clear few banking interviews - got stuck up at complex interest related questions. (And probably I demanded too much salary). But then, I have been acting successfully as a banking consultant for a year and a half now. My management and client management both consider me as a trump card. I don't know anything. But I understand fast, I learn faster. And I present well. But wait, why is this turning out to be a self boosting (read boasting) session? Because, tomorrow I am going to commit another so called blasphemy (considering I worship my work - and the money that comes out of it - I guess this is quite an apt word). I am going to tell them...in case you don't find a suitable 1 stop ticket from my place, then defer the project. Somehow...all these days I have been pining to travel. Now when it is time, I somehow don't feel like leaving this cocoon. the simple acts of serving ice cream to granny, disturbing mom during her cooking and writing gibberish poetry in dad's diary...hey come on...priceless is not a word bought by mastercard, right? I can use it personally also...
Having read entire collection of Sherlock Holmes, Miss Marple, Hercule Poirot, Feluda and Byomkesh also helps a lot. I know what they will say. Come back to Bangalore. For I being the intelligent me, already checked that there is no dearth of tickets from Bangalore. At times I do realize socio economic facts too. Kolkata is a metro in the proper sense of the term. Bangalore is not. Kolkata caters to the entire north east and all kinds of industries. Bangalore caters only to IT. Nobody takes these statistics, but they are present all the same.
Today, I was craving for moghlai paratha. One of my very favorite food, which is very rarely available in Bangalore. So I went out with dad, and was sitting on a chair kept near a road side stall, as the young boy prepared my delicious food. I observe small, subtle things. I asked him, with a lot of doubt, is moghlai paratha available? (two other established brand shops had already denied). Yes, he said, egg, chicken, what? In the same doubtful voice I asked...which one would be better? He thinks and answers, didi, should I make a special one for you? (it was not said in a funny tone, it was said with a lot of care). I said, special...how much would it cost? He borrows my doubtful tone now...50 Rs it'd be...I break into a smile and say, please prepare one.
50 Rs...hardly has value for me. For him, it is probably his entire day's earning. What he will earn with a lifetime of effort, I have earned probably in my first year of service. Still, he can stay in my city, probably with his parents. I cannot. I act like a musafir, come and go. Unaccustomed earth, trying to find root, again getting uprooted. I love this city. Dad bought this mourola fish (small tiny fishes which u can cook in three ways, hot & spicy, fry and sour gravy). Now there was this young boy (as in my age only) who was there. He said, I will prepare the fish (cut and clean), it will taste awesome. As he was working on the fish, his father came up. They were a bit concerned, there was an hour to go before their last train, and there was a lot to be sold still. He asked my dad what time it is and consoled his dad...there is still time enough to sell everything, don't worry. Dad started bargaining with his dad, meaningless bargain...which both sides knew was only for time pass. Then dad suddenly remembered and asked me, do we take green mango, your mom can make the sour gravy then. No dad, I emphatically said...I don't like the sour gravy, I like only the fry. 5 minutes later, the fishmonger guy is done with his work, hands over the fish, takes the money and says, huh, I can finish my entire rice with the sour gravy (mourola-r tak diye to aamar puro bhaat uthe jaye). I was laughing so much while coming back. Here breaks the barrier between the bourgeoisie and the proletariat, that too in such a sweetly taunting way. This is my Bengal, this is my heart's dearest Kolkata.
They are celebrating 20 years of Suman's Tomaake Chai. To me, it is 20 years of learning for the first time, aah, this is my kind of music :) :) 

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Long lazy summer days...

It is quite nice to work from home. The biggest headache is the internet speed. And then the intranet servers are not accessible – creates a lot of difficulty, in times of need. But whatever it be, how else can you get the comfort of tasting mom’s yummy cooking in the lunch time. And how else do you avoid loss of pay, when your leaves are over and you are in no mood to return to Bangalore.
It is a rather lazy time…what with the summer sun glaring, the imminent travel, and the overall lack of direction of life. There’s not much spice also. Today morning, however, I found lot of spice. Firstly with the decision of freezing salary hike by a leading Indian MNC (feel like laughing out aloud - Raavan ishtyle), second was Hate Story.
What to say about the first point...I really didn't know. All I can say is, I quite relished the cribbing of the prisoners, who chose to remain in the prison from where I found a way of escaping. See I am still being body shopped in the name of consultancy. That's the way Indian IT industry works. We can't help it. So why not look for additional comfort and benefits for yourself. Making money is the most important thing at this stage in life, right? Brand value and all won't give me my dinner :) and over that, if I am given flexibility and new responsibilities, and a happy working environment, where I have friends, and where I am more or less appreciated, what else do I want?
Hate Story is a film that arouses my curiosity after a long time. Mainly because of the leading lady. And this tells me, there is a transformation from 2011 September me to 2012 April me. Last year, I was not in a position to appreciate her boldness, I was rather criticizing, or pretending to ignore - ha ha...I still believed in "good girls always go to heaven, bad girls may go anywhere". He has changed my life. Our whirlwind romance is still, by far, the greatest thrill in my life. And then there are other subtle things. One day, we were having lunch in Arsalan (Kolkata biriyani - my favorite). Now as usual, we were observing people around. He saw some Bengali ladies wearing sleeveless. I was wearing a long sleeve kurta that day. He chuckled and said...hiding skin is far more attractive than showing skin. Couple of days I went on like that...then I gave up. Personally I simply love wearing sleeveless dresses. First time after that, I went out with him in a bit of a revealing dress, I said, I know you don't like, but this is how I am comfortable. He said, candidly, when did I say I didn't like. The last party we went to, I was wearing this sleeveless navy blue dress and he a navy blue T and jeans. He was quite romantic that day, told me, you are looking too good today. I said...how come we end up wearing the same color without planning for it? He said..kick you :) :)
I can't stop talking about him. The way he has touched me most is by his acceptance and allowance of freedom. Both of us simply love our freedom. We can compromise with anything else but not this. And after a long time I am happy. Read this:

me: u remember u only told me in one of ur romantic moods...that I shdn't go to US coz its very far away...otherwise wherever else I go...u'll come over...to meet me :)
He: its not romantic.. mood.
i still say the same :)
me: ok... and I still believe u :)
He: done

I told you our friendship is coming back :) I can't tell you how blissful I feel.

Ok now we were talking about Hate Story right. Not my stupid affair with a nonsense person. Well...now what's wrong. See, she is an educated girl, and she is doing what she feels like doing. It is a new era altogether. Nobody can stop anybody else. And what is the big harm in sexuality? In fact I find it rather interesting. Once it was the only weakness of girls, and men used to take advantage. Now it is the other way round. Cycle is completed and tables are turned. Nice, na?

I have become confident to the extent of being ruthless. I don't beg around anymore. Destiny is an ever imposing thing. If you take it in your stride, you have beaten 90% of your problem.

By the way, watched Bhooter Bhabishyat. Lovely movie. I was telling dad, when we were growing up, Bengali movie was in such a stage, that this modern range of film makers (who seem to be my age or younger) have learnt to cook in their own style so as satisfy their film appetite. Can't still believe such wonderful movies are being made these days. Way to go. And ya, once again... Calcutta...Calcutta... all I want is to come back to Calcutta...

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

My Boo Boo...

At times...I feel as if I have to write...nothing but bringing my heart out will give me peace...
There are days when things just keep happening. You do not have a control on them. Today was one of those days. In fact it started from last night. I logged in gmail, and saw him online...err sorry...busy. I kept doing the essential work, trying to ignore the fact that in few minutes it will be me who'll ping him, for he never can care to ping me. And then...I find him pinging...

I shall quote just the first 4 lines of our chat...

he: oh my god... i have to hide.. someone is online :)
me: ya plz I am pretending that I haven't seen u yet :)
he: who said the some one is you ? :)
me: its implicit

We haven't chatted like this for ages...way we were earlier...just friends...very good friends...best friends...

I was still confused, yet happy, when I woke up in the morning. Had lots of work...over that mom was sick. There was complete chaos in mind. Started working like that only...and things kind of fell in place. Some issues were resolved, some remain open...but still...most of them worked out well. I never knew work from home will be allowed so easily. I can stay home for 4 more days before I travel. These things were good. Ananya visited in the evening and I played with her daughter in the nearby park...that was awesome. I guess pent up is the word. I have left such a lot of things pent up within me. My emotions, my affections. My energy level, my convincing abilities. And today was a vent out day. At times things just have to fall in place, there is no other alternative.

Something left me seething with anger in the night. Here he is toiling away all day, and there his so called friends are busy making fun of him in Facebook. Arre leave him alone, how much do you guys know about him? Isn't this absolutely unjust, that people turn out to be this harmful and this heartless. Arre if you want to have fun, do it at your own expense, why bring in someone else? Me and him...we are not privileged people. We had to earn, even fake the few smiles we have had on our face. Well, people needn't understand that, but they can just leave us alone, right?

I feel, in God's world everything is weighed correctly. Someday, we two shall have a blissful life, when these fun loving guys realize what pain means. Humor is good so long as it doesn't cross the limit. And how do you know when it crosses the limit? Well, why else did God make you a human, with a beating heart?

But amidst these thoughts, I realized something else too. I gathered just how much oneness I feel with him these days, that I am taking his personal things so very personally. Now, he definitely is a part of my small world...very much a part...

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Point of no return...

To think...this is my blog since 2007, and have I ever, for a single time even, written here...that I love Madan Mohan compositions?
Once in a while I feel as if it is not my life that I'm living. Have I ever lived for myself? Why do I need to take this load? Challenge at every step...more than that, fear of failure? Crap...did Dev and Maya ever fear about losing each other? Did they ever have to act with each other? Bring up excuses, to talk or not to talk? They were there to share each other's problem, it was never a bloody one sided persuasion.
I feel useless. I don't serve any purpose. Life is all about giving shape to dreams. I am ok about selfless servitude, if at all I have some dream to give shape. Not my dreams, at least his.
I go through this constant dilemma. Then I look at our photo. Perhaps the sweetest couple on earth, even if I try to judge neutrally. And he'd do nothing for our relationship. Be a kid. Do whatever he feels like. Try to stick on to his past. Cause me ample pain, and more. Isn't my lonely existence far better than this?
I have this throbbing pain in my head. And I listen to Lata and Madan Mohan masterpieces. I read some book or the other (Shiva Trilogy, then The Sins of the Father, followed by Argumentative Indian) and somehow keep myself alive. I feel this is better. Living for myself. Else there seems to be no point...no point...

Sunday, April 8, 2012

In Kolkata...again...

There was one particularly tough time -
This is what I wrote then, and anyone would understand my agony:

I shall not sleep...
Until and unless I know that he is fine, I won't sleep...
I don't know what made me become so hell bent on this...
Why couldn't he have been a little more careful...why he had to let out the secret so openly...
It is like...I am knowingly committing a crime repeatedly...and I am hell bent on continuing it...
As if it is the only way...
To know how double faced he can be...
What does this sum up to?
I don't trust the person I love? I don't have faith in him?
Faith is something I don't have...period
And he has to understand this...
He has to understand my insecurities...
How I have been cheated repeatedly...


Well...though this was not far back...but I have changed considerably. I have started having more faith in God's intentions about my life. Wherever life takes me, I hope both the path and the destination would be good only. You cannot do anything better than that...thinking positive is the only thing in your hand...in such tough times.

Well...to be frank, Kolkata is good. The climate is wonderful. 25 degree C is unimaginable at this point in time. One full day, all 5 of us (me, bro, dad, mom and gran) stayed together after 2010 October. It was this wonderful family reunion. House is being colored and it looks so bright and lovely. With the occasional rain, the park looks so lush green. I don't know how early the decision will be taken about my trip to Prague. And how long I'd need to stay. It's fine...I am happy about anything that happens...I have seasoned myself that way.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Jitne hum tthe kareeb...utni nazdeek thhi duriyaan...

I am now 90% sure that death is approaching. Try as I might, I won't be able to survive. I don't want to create pressure on him, I want him to be happy. But at the same time, I can predict my fate also. I just won't be able to handle it this time. I am not a sand bag that I can handle these many blows. If the trust breaks this time, that would be the end of me.
I guess it is also part of destiny that as I collapse, I finally make a laughing stock out of myself. I will fail miserably in my work - if what I am dreading finally happens. God, I won't be able to take it. Don't do this to me.
I don't know how to console myself. I am crying incessantly. I just can't stop crying. Why this had to happen. I probably could have survived in my loneliness, but after being with him, if I am to lose him, I won't be able to survive.
I can not be patient in these circumstances. I have seen evil happening to me, time and again. I can not trust him. Why am I being so weak? Just this Sunday, we were becoming closer than ever, all the while as he traveled, we kept talking through sms's. What happened all of a sudden? Will things become normal ever again?

Monday, April 2, 2012

What now?

What now? I don't know.
I can vaguely remember the time when I landed. The day. From early morning. October 13, 2011. Getting up at the break of dawn, getting ready, waiting outside my apartment, scared whether the taxi will turn up in time.
The check in and immigration was hassle free, as it usually is...in Europe. I was more or less comfortable, seated in the lounge, observing people...and feeling happy sad...my usual favorite feeling...then boarded the flight to Paris, it got delayed, tension in mind...changing terminals in CDG, and then finally, waiting in the huge serpentine queue for boarding the flight. I started making friends right from there. First an entrepreneur guy who has his own website, then some US based engineer, who was my neighbor. I discovered that the latter was a Sagittarian, and we became in-flight brother and sister :) :)
After the long flight, got down in Bangalore almost at midnight. Bro had as usual come up to receive me. Reached home and slept off after having a short chat with mom.
Next day was my so called in-transit leave. Woke up late, and started calling friends. Smitha I remember, some other folks were also there. Then, towards noon, I sms'ed him. His usual dialogue, "100 years for you...just came to pantry to call you up". He said he'd come over at night.
Did I foresee the whirlwind that was to come up? The dream come true events. The heart breaks and the exhilaration? The last 5 and a 1/2 months have been different. Unlike the usual time of my life, there was a purpose. I complained, I cried, and I laughed...and today I realize, this was life. I really don't know if ever I will get this time back. Ever again in life.
Cut shot, and we come to March 31, 2012. Once on Thavereke Main Road, I burst into tears. He also got agitated. Pinched my legs, rubbed my hands, tried comforting me in all ways that are possible while driving a bike. And he laughed. "Recession is a state of mind"...the goodbye was short...I held his hand and said, take care... He said, "Show Off"...I got angry and said, "I am not showing off"...and he smiled and drove away.
I don't know when we'll meet next. At this point in time, I don't hope anything. Let alone, staying together for the rest of our lives, I don't even know whether I will be able to meet him alone, in person, ever again.
The emptiness stings...I don't exactly feel miserable, as there is too much happiness that true love brings. But, I have recoiled. In my own shell. I breathe sparingly. And when I laugh, I look sad. I am rather lost, but trying to cope up. For some unknown reason, I can't demand permanence in life. I can't demand...but he can give me...if he wants...
That's all I have. This hope against hopes...