A perfect day...

After eons I am having that perfect night when I don’t really feel there is any glitch in my life at the present moment. May be something would come up in the near future, that fear factor is always there, but right now, once again, I am blissfully happy.

Mostly because I had a perfect day today.  Woke up with the aftertaste of a beautiful dream.  Wanted to write about it right then, but I was in a time crunch. Had to reach the university at 10 as I had a deadline, and the university has a half day today, mostly things gets closed by 2 PM, maximum you can stretch till 4. So somehow I got ready in time and hurried there (but then, before that I had this excellent breakfast of what may be described as an over-boiled version of govind bhog rice with boiled slices of potatoes and a little ghee – my favorite breakfast, yet I was having it perhaps after 6 or 7 years, this is what staying away from home does to you – I do remember trying to cook my own version of it when I was really really disturbed about my relationship with Boo in January 2012 and didn’t feel like eating anything else, but then it was nowhere near mom’s cooking). Well, work and all done in proper time, I hurried back home, had some cool slices of watermelon (fruits? I never had fruits in Bangalore, primarily because I didn’t have a fridge, but then in my life, fruits have always been something which dad forces and coaxes me to eat, and then I eat, so in Bangalore I mostly had fruit juices, but never fruits). Mom was exhausted and had retired for her day time nap, so I prepared Maggi for me and dad and added a little dollop of butter at the end which made it all the more tastier. After that, I tuned in to Youtube on my mobile and listened to my favorite songs for a while (what a wonderful song “Ni Sultana Re” is, and how funnily it is picturized).  Afterwards, it was time for the afternoon doze of yet another fruit (guava this time). Then I prepared cold coffee for all three of us (1 large tumbler which I had used to prepare the shake and therefrom all three of us took turns to sip up, we just didn’t bother to serve it separately). Then, I was trying to play candy crush (reached level 88) and don’t know when I got bored and slept off. When I woke up, I was hungry. It was time to prepare buttered sweet corn with pepper and chaat masala, which is already a hot favorite with everyone in the house. Boondi Raita and this one – both has been an instant hit, so I am trying to think up other salads which they might like. Afterwards, dinner, some musical program on TV, more candy crush, then I remembered, gosh, I need to write about my dream.

But before that there are more stories to be told. Yes, Wednesday was terrible. But then life changes. Trust me, it does. For those who are so depressed that you don’t want to live, my suggestion would be to just give it one more try. You really don’t know in what all ways life can change in a moment. Yes, of course you need to minimize your expectations. You will never get everything on a platter. But you get something that will allow you to live a little while more. 

I have been maintaining a low profile in the university. But then, this professor who came to teach in my year, remembers me well. I had told her that I will come and talk to her sometime – but just didn’t feel like bringing up my tales of misfortune before everybody. Thursday, when I was in the lab, she herself came in. Started telling other people how I had walked out of the exam hall when the test was on her paper, and when she urged me to take the exam and she will ensure that I pass, I had remarked, who wants to pass with 50% marks, and then how I had got the highest in that paper during my supplementary exam and had scored overall highest in that semester as well. Now, these stories are like – if I boast and write it here, you might feel I am just making up stories. But people in the university know me, my talents, my uncompromising nature (by the way it was a paper on programming where theory questions were asked, I hadn’t bothered to mug up the theory and it was not told that they’d be made compulsory in the paper – so I thought I’d rather prepare well and take a supple, than getting lower marks, and I left - by the way I still remember my best friend scolding me up on hearing about this feat of mine, he just didn't know what to do with me...). You know, when ma’am brought up that old story, it felt like such a motherly touch. She was motherly in so many ways – inquired why I haven’t married yet, and readily promised to take me in one of her upcoming projects. Now, I don’t know when that will begin, but still, like I said, it was some hope of survival.

In that renewed hope I continued my research on AC and finally decided to buy it. It cost me around 30K INR, you can understand how big an investment it is for a person without regular employment. But there was no point procrastinating. I had already invested in the separate meter (along with the bribe…grrrrrrr), so finally yesterday I went and finalized the deal. AC is already delivered, though the installation is pending. You know, I feel so angry with people on Facebook. In fact I am livid with the concept of Facebook only, there is so so much of falsehood associated. Nobody can be actually that happy as they are pretending to be. Nobody brings up the real picture of their life, which obviously has got to have all the shades. Everyone just wants to prove that their life is the best. A student of mine has gone to an European country and is posting photos titled “clear blue sky” and selfies with a jar like thing full of beer. Man, I felt like telling, you need to enjoy Europe, not show off. I have stopped logging in to FB, but then I had to refer to it for some design dilemma we are facing regarding the website we are building now (the typical problem of multiple scrollbars within a page). I was so exasperated seeing the baby photos (my baby is growing up, as if nobody else’s baby has ever been this cute), I have the best job, I do the best shopping, I watch the best movies – man, is life a competition or what? How very detached they are to real life, how they will forcibly keep their eyes shut to the normal sufferings everyday life entitles...how pathetic their state of ignorance is. Ya, I know, in my present state such remarks will look like I am thoroughly jealous, but even my day will come, and no, I’d rather write stories of my life in my blog in an anonymous way than showing off to the world on FB.

So, last but not the least, this morning’s dream. I dreamed that I have returned to my first MNC. Everyone is warmly welcoming me. There was some critical issue, and the archi group called for me as soon as they heard I am back (archi by the way is the short form we used for architecture). In reality I was never that good, but ya, I had been instrumental in the support for a couple of releases, and since I had been tracking things, people knew me across groups. Then there was my English. Whenever there were any vital mails to be sent out from my team, who better would phrase them than this nacheez. So, in the dream, I successfully resolved the issue. Everyone who met me on my way would greet me warmly (indeed I always got good bosses, there was this gentleman who advised me to pursue a Ph.D. when I was leaving, there was another gentleman who had on his own accord set a notice at my desk “user onsite, please do not use this machine”, when I was away in SG for 9 months). Then, in my dream, I met Vipul. Ya, funny as it might be, there was no trace of the man I loved, or the PMs I worked most with. There was only this gentleman who showed more trust in me than any other senior. It seemed he was back in Bangalore. He could well empathize with my decision to go home, but then he said how difficult it was to find a suitable career in the place of your choice. He asked me for a juice (solve the archi issue, then we’ll go for a juice)…I forgot to take my purse – he laughed seeing me hesitant to ask for the money and chipped in quietly. It felt like another kind of homecoming. It was that same familiar juice shop right across the book shop where I was a regular customer. Nearby was the gym, the beauty parlor, the Vodafone shop – nothing had changed. People were wearing blazers for some unknown reason, but apart from that it was the same place, which I had once thought of retiring from. Ya, my training batch mates and erstwhile roommates have become big shots, and I am a nobody. Hardly anybody from our batch has remained with the organization till date.  But still that was the place our careers started from. May be one day, when they face as much agony and hopelessness as me, they will also get a similar dream. This particular time comes in everybody’s life, when your past, present and future merge up and become one. 

All said and done, I am happy with my decision to relocate to Kolkata. Ya, it has so many evils. But then, if you are observant, you realize that all is not lost. The traffic police who stopped the bus and helped my dad get it, another one, who helps a mom with her kid get down from the bus and safely moves them to the foot path, and just casually remarks to the kid, "what, will you grow up and become a police like me?"...with my decision, I gain a little more confidence with every single passing day. May be so much that one day even I can boast and tell a kid "what, will you grow up and become a daughter like me?" I couldn't get this opportunity to be a wife or a mother - being the quintessential daughter is all the more important for me.