Moving on...

As life moves on, I stay seething in anger. I have never seen so much anger in myself. They might use terms like fuming etc (somehow still reminds me of my chemistry lab days and that concentrated sulfuric acid) - I could actually feel for the first time, anger which literally singes your insides. It's been such a long time I haven't given myself anything. "Stay the way you are - don't make demands", I'd have said. When was it exactly that I altogether stopped living, I don't even remember. When finally the wrath came out today, it was like lava downpour only. I was going mad. Didn't trust or love a single soul on earth at that moment. I was almost scared to realize where my mega size ego has brought me finally. I don't have a single person to call and break down.

But of course I am still a diplomat. The ear phone of the ipod is gone once again. This time it lasted long actually. I don't remember how long, should be a year. At that moment first thing I needed was to drown the noise of the neighbors chitchatting. I hate their voice from day 1. I have been planning to change this house from the first day they moved in. But no, I won't. I'd tell myself, various excuses. "You'll go on site", "You'll get married", "You might find a job elsewhere". NOW is when I can't wait anymore. I need a sane place for myself. Where I can arrange my books. Keep a flower vase with fresh flowers. Give myself some space. Where I can break down in peace and won't feel suicidal enough. Doing the household chores itself will take up a lot of my time. I'd be saved from thinking so much.

However to come back to the story. The ear phone won't work. I put my foot down, I won't listen to music with only one ear plug working. It's not so much that I hate imperfection with other things (a little less salt in cooking is acceptable) but music should come to me in the most perfect form. The banter was, at the same time, getting on my nerves and I was about to burst. Seeing no other way out, I put the fan on at full speed. The old rickety fan made enough noise to drown the conversation. My greatest ambition these days would be to slash the throats of all these neighbor folks - I hate them to the core. But then again, I guess it's a way better idea to move to a new house.

Now that I'm quite sure of the course my life's gonna take, I don't feel even the remotest attachment with anybody on earth. I am dead sure I can't live with my parents, I guess I haven't called them for 2 weeks now. I hate my brother. He's the most useless lazy ambition less being that was ever born on this earth. Let him go to hell, I don't care. I shall live alone from now onward. I am happy that I don't have any friend, I don't need one. I have spent so many innumerable days of my precious life trying to depend on other people. Today I know for sure that nobody cares. But I can't stop caring for myself. If I'm to live another 60 years, I need to ensure that I live well. It's no fault of mine that life has disintegrated like this...then why should I suffer?

I haven't done much till now. Frankly speaking apprehensions will always be there. Bangalore is not Prague. But I wish to settle down. In a single place. Decorate my house. Make a catalog for my books. The Siberia phase starts in my life. Only difference is, it won't last 3 years, it will last a life time. But today I'm proud of my x ray eyes. Only because I trusted people so naturally, do I know today, just how filthily untrustworthy and selfish they can be. But as I said, I don't care. I don't care about society or human company. I am confident enough about living alone. I'd rather nurse this anger all the rest of my life. If love couldn't make me go on, my hatred will. I also know that God will help me from now on. He's always helped me get material pleasure. The spiritual one has only never crossed my way, but no regret about that.