I don't know what to write. It was my conscious decision after all. To go through this without protest. See, one argument might have been, that, I could have reacted. I had every right to react. To be mad on him, to shout, to take revenge. What would I have got out of all that? The selfish me asks. What am I getting through this? The selfish me asks again. I don't have answers.
Or, rather...the selfish me wants to see myself in pain. Masochism? Who knows. I feel numb and nervous. He had said...if he wants to run, he knows how to run. But if we start bothering about what all he had said, there would be no end to this confusion. It has to be driven from my end. And there is basically nothing to drive. A 29th October comes. If he goes home, things get settled then. If he doesn't, we have to wait. December, January, February, March...don't know how long. Ya, the fear will be there, don't know how long I have to live with it. But I have chosen to live with it. So I shouldn't complain.
I have lost the right to complain. That pains more than anything else. I had a right once in this relationship. Now I don't have it anymore. It might sound terrible coming from me, but perhaps the truth is that the relationship has died, all I am trying to do is to give it a decent funeral. It shouldn't be said that nobody cared for this dead relationship. I did, I do.
There are two flip sides to the coin. As opposed to this saga of self torture. The guy who was termed as sadist and irresponsible suddenly undergoes a transformation. And then, the other guy comes. The other guy. I start laughing deliriously at this point. The other guy. Who has let me become this even though he lived on this earth. Ha ha ha...the other guy.
Thanks but no thanks is all I can say. I am better off alone. Boo...had once written me a poem:
Alone he is better,
Don't put butter.
This guy turned out to be a bigger mystery than was ever stated in any Agatha Christie novel. So much so that I have given up all attempts to solve him. And perhaps there is nothing to solve. He is following the forever trodden normal path only. Who can ever read human mind. I am just doing, what is the decent thing to do. The humane thing to do. No...correction. I am doing, what my mind wants to do. My mind, wants to just be with him. Be this a difficult or an easy hour for me or him or both of us, I must do, what I feel like doing, for a person who is very close to me. The fact that I am not able to understand him doesn't really matter now, I still don't have a choice. Trust me, I am not doing this with the faintest hope of miracle in my mind. That's why I feel, I just might be able to tolerate whatever is in store for me in the future. I know I am crazy, but this is my last chance to be crazy in life :)
Or, rather...the selfish me wants to see myself in pain. Masochism? Who knows. I feel numb and nervous. He had said...if he wants to run, he knows how to run. But if we start bothering about what all he had said, there would be no end to this confusion. It has to be driven from my end. And there is basically nothing to drive. A 29th October comes. If he goes home, things get settled then. If he doesn't, we have to wait. December, January, February, March...don't know how long. Ya, the fear will be there, don't know how long I have to live with it. But I have chosen to live with it. So I shouldn't complain.
I have lost the right to complain. That pains more than anything else. I had a right once in this relationship. Now I don't have it anymore. It might sound terrible coming from me, but perhaps the truth is that the relationship has died, all I am trying to do is to give it a decent funeral. It shouldn't be said that nobody cared for this dead relationship. I did, I do.
There are two flip sides to the coin. As opposed to this saga of self torture. The guy who was termed as sadist and irresponsible suddenly undergoes a transformation. And then, the other guy comes. The other guy. I start laughing deliriously at this point. The other guy. Who has let me become this even though he lived on this earth. Ha ha ha...the other guy.
Thanks but no thanks is all I can say. I am better off alone. Boo...had once written me a poem:
Alone he is better,
Don't put butter.
This guy turned out to be a bigger mystery than was ever stated in any Agatha Christie novel. So much so that I have given up all attempts to solve him. And perhaps there is nothing to solve. He is following the forever trodden normal path only. Who can ever read human mind. I am just doing, what is the decent thing to do. The humane thing to do. No...correction. I am doing, what my mind wants to do. My mind, wants to just be with him. Be this a difficult or an easy hour for me or him or both of us, I must do, what I feel like doing, for a person who is very close to me. The fact that I am not able to understand him doesn't really matter now, I still don't have a choice. Trust me, I am not doing this with the faintest hope of miracle in my mind. That's why I feel, I just might be able to tolerate whatever is in store for me in the future. I know I am crazy, but this is my last chance to be crazy in life :)
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