And they said...the world is supposed to end on 21st December 2012. The day after my birthday. Did ever the date 6th September come in anyone's mind. That life comes to a standstill for a girl who has perhaps been the greatest moron on earth? Who has believed in God, believed in love, truth and work, in an era where these concepts only are becoming extinct?
Even I thought I'll go on and on only with the intentions in mind, but no action. But how long? At times you need to close the gate and burn the bridges. Do I love him? Yes. Am I doing this to myself out of the love for him or the lack of love of myself? No. I am doing this to give up my hopes and wishes and dreams. Go back, to the same shelter where my life started, and which thankfully still exists. My mom and dad. I know they won't be there forever. I can't even start to think what a dreary life it will be once my savings are done with. And before my savings are done with, what to do with my entire day? How to exist without work? I don't know all that. I am not even asking questions to myself. I will never ever ask God the big question of defeatists, "Why me?". I must have done something, for which He made me go through all this. It is for me to decide how much I can take and when to say no. My prerequisite for existence is transparency and truth. My soul is intact, there has been few incidents of contempt and too much self pride, for which I may have caused grief to others. I remember once, a pregnant lady had taken up a seat I was standing near, in the bus. Was very tired after school, had felt angry towards her. I don't know, had I wished her and her child something ill? Is that the reason I never got a family life myself? I can only speculate about the mistake, that has caused this punishment. I know there are tortured people all over the world. Everyone faces doom and death in life, accept it and move on. People for whom life has offered nothing, they also exist and smile once in a while, people whom life has given everything, even they feel lonely and depressed at times. I can't explain God's ways of ruling his world. And I can't question on that. I know I wanted to be with him, to cook food for him and take care of him, way all girls want a husband, I wanted him. That was not granted. I am not in a mental and physical condition to work in this state of mind, so I am quitting work. I know I need rest, so I am going back home. These are the only facts present with me. Rest are incessant tears, and the realization that I still love him. I don't love him selflessly, I love him selfishly, I want his love too. But how does that matter. Oh...how does that matter?
All I hope for today, is that I am able to keep my calm and give my resignation. I am very clear in my mind, that if I don't have him, I don't need anything else from life. Nothing else :)
Even I thought I'll go on and on only with the intentions in mind, but no action. But how long? At times you need to close the gate and burn the bridges. Do I love him? Yes. Am I doing this to myself out of the love for him or the lack of love of myself? No. I am doing this to give up my hopes and wishes and dreams. Go back, to the same shelter where my life started, and which thankfully still exists. My mom and dad. I know they won't be there forever. I can't even start to think what a dreary life it will be once my savings are done with. And before my savings are done with, what to do with my entire day? How to exist without work? I don't know all that. I am not even asking questions to myself. I will never ever ask God the big question of defeatists, "Why me?". I must have done something, for which He made me go through all this. It is for me to decide how much I can take and when to say no. My prerequisite for existence is transparency and truth. My soul is intact, there has been few incidents of contempt and too much self pride, for which I may have caused grief to others. I remember once, a pregnant lady had taken up a seat I was standing near, in the bus. Was very tired after school, had felt angry towards her. I don't know, had I wished her and her child something ill? Is that the reason I never got a family life myself? I can only speculate about the mistake, that has caused this punishment. I know there are tortured people all over the world. Everyone faces doom and death in life, accept it and move on. People for whom life has offered nothing, they also exist and smile once in a while, people whom life has given everything, even they feel lonely and depressed at times. I can't explain God's ways of ruling his world. And I can't question on that. I know I wanted to be with him, to cook food for him and take care of him, way all girls want a husband, I wanted him. That was not granted. I am not in a mental and physical condition to work in this state of mind, so I am quitting work. I know I need rest, so I am going back home. These are the only facts present with me. Rest are incessant tears, and the realization that I still love him. I don't love him selflessly, I love him selfishly, I want his love too. But how does that matter. Oh...how does that matter?
All I hope for today, is that I am able to keep my calm and give my resignation. I am very clear in my mind, that if I don't have him, I don't need anything else from life. Nothing else :)
1 comment:
Finally it is done. I don't know if I am happy or sad. I am ok. It is the only thing that could happen.
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