I particularly liked the term "destructive masculinity" in The Hindu. That kind of sums it up all.
I have often written here that I am a firm believer in destiny. The girl who lost her 13 days of battle last night, had some destiny. Her ordeal was to bear the immeasurable pain (and more importantly, still keep up the willingness to live) - in order to bring her destiny to the forefront. I strong believe, it is her destiny that has awakened India. Otherwise, scary as it might sound, such kind of rapes, where the victims intestine comes out, is not rare or a first time occurrence in this glorious country of ours. I was shocked to hear about it, the first time I heard Sunitha Krishnan's speech in TED. But such incidents don't shake me up anymore.
What shook me up was the sheer helplessness. One of the many reasons I chose to stay back home and didn't travel back to Bangalore on the scheduled day, was this incident. It would sound childish to say I felt insecure. But still that remains the truth. I want to hide. Hide from this rotten society which itself knows no peace, and doesn't care to give away peace, respect and dignity to anyone.
And I decided to indulge myself. Job is not that important a thing. My well being is. I decided I won't subject myself to any mental agony till the time I am completely prepared. Small small things would trouble me for no reason. Known faces in the office. The heartless grey city of Bangalore and all its mixed memories of dust, noise and crowd. The imminent new year celebrations.
And thus started my first holiday since 2005 when I didn't have a return ticket or a plan to go back. What did I tell office? As usual, exactly what I felt. A simple, "I want to extend my leaves due to family problems". Oh, did you ask which family? My family includes my entire country, even the entire world. And nobody on earth would deny just how much problem exists currently with my family...
I would think of the tiny toddlers and lispers who died before they knew what life was like, falling prey to a maniac's whim. I would think of this girl as she had one after the other surgeries performed on her, and in between expressing that she wants to live. Live with my intestine removed? Live on intravenous fluid all my life? I get scared every time I test for my blood sugar level. In case I am found diabetic, they'd stop me from having sweets - and what is life without sweets? And here she wants to live, wants to see the criminals brought to justice, and wants people not to know what has happened to her, not to sympathize with her. She wants to live a normal life, as if nothing happened.
I used to think a strange thing during my exam days, when I was not well prepared (I can't remember one exam for which I felt I am least prepared - let alone being well prepared), or the days when mark sheets would be given to us. I used to tell myself, time will pass, after a while everything will again be normal. As I kept reading the news and reactions in the social media (I am a silent type, I can't show off or write a lot and vent out my anger - my solidarity lies in reading and shedding silent tears), I kept thinking, does she think something of this sort? Did she think on similar lines when she was being tortured, and now that she is in acute trauma, does she console herself saying this will pass? Or else, how can someone think of living, when life spells out PAIN in big bold letters?
This is what I was thinking just two days back - when she was still alive.
Give yourself a little more time...
That's what I have been telling myself since last Saturday's fiasco. Given that it has been full 5 days now, I don't know how much more time I'd need. As I have repeatedly written here, I love myself too much. I can't see myself in tears. At the same time, I don't want to give up my job, let alone that, I don't want a single day's loss of pay even. I am in no mood to look for a new job, I am not confident enough to take up some new technology at this stage of my career, and at the same time, I don't want to take advantage of my office - either the management or the colleagues, i.e. I'm not ready to sit idle and earn a salary.
And when I talk about a little more time...what is it that I mean? This has been going on for time immemorial...
This is what I think today...she died despite her immense urge to live...the damage done was too much...
I have gained courage enough to look back at my troubles in a painless, indifferent way. Way every girl has to. Way every human being has to. You cannot deny life and live on. You have to accept, whatever life gives you. Accept and then revolt, then show bravery, then speak out, then fight. You might win the battle, you might lose. Don't let the win or the loss affect you. I am finally ready to go back. Face an employer not too interested in my services. Face myself, not too keen on working anymore. Not too keen on protesting, complaining or fighting. Face a family (an immediate family) not too supportive. Face memories and not wince (not to shout out and plead - oh don't discuss ultrasonography details with me, it reminds me of the moment I was told about the living breathing baby I couldn't save). No, I am not interested in reacting anymore. Lucky people do not realize how lucky they are. When you have suffered once, you can identify what the other victim is going through.
Yes I'd go back. And see what the world does to me, and whether I live a proper life or not. If I am indifferent, then why this dilemma? Because the world that is protesting, protests about a specific thing. They don't protest about victimization and wrongdoing in general. I have seen many guys famous for changing girlfriends like clothes, condemn the rape on Facebook in an attempt to show off. And think in their very own male chauvinistic way, oh I might have hurt a girl or two with my harmless flirting, but I have never raped anybody. I am such a great human being. The husband who probably beats his wife daily would be proud - I have never touched another girl apart from her - she should worship me. The father who denies his girl child proper education will be the self proclaimed hero - oh she'd never need to go out in the night, or do a job and face any threat of molestation. She will be safe at home till I get her married, and then let her husband deal with her. Are these people fit to be complacent? India, change your menfolks' mentality. Their thought process that so long as they don't rape, they are fit to do anything and everything with a girl in the community. NO. Girls are very delicate beings, who can tolerate labor pain but get killed a thousand times with the minutest blows that hurt their dignity. And men are very confused beings, who forget their origin, the nine months without which they wouldn't have seen the light of the day.
I have often written here that I am a firm believer in destiny. The girl who lost her 13 days of battle last night, had some destiny. Her ordeal was to bear the immeasurable pain (and more importantly, still keep up the willingness to live) - in order to bring her destiny to the forefront. I strong believe, it is her destiny that has awakened India. Otherwise, scary as it might sound, such kind of rapes, where the victims intestine comes out, is not rare or a first time occurrence in this glorious country of ours. I was shocked to hear about it, the first time I heard Sunitha Krishnan's speech in TED. But such incidents don't shake me up anymore.
What shook me up was the sheer helplessness. One of the many reasons I chose to stay back home and didn't travel back to Bangalore on the scheduled day, was this incident. It would sound childish to say I felt insecure. But still that remains the truth. I want to hide. Hide from this rotten society which itself knows no peace, and doesn't care to give away peace, respect and dignity to anyone.
And I decided to indulge myself. Job is not that important a thing. My well being is. I decided I won't subject myself to any mental agony till the time I am completely prepared. Small small things would trouble me for no reason. Known faces in the office. The heartless grey city of Bangalore and all its mixed memories of dust, noise and crowd. The imminent new year celebrations.
And thus started my first holiday since 2005 when I didn't have a return ticket or a plan to go back. What did I tell office? As usual, exactly what I felt. A simple, "I want to extend my leaves due to family problems". Oh, did you ask which family? My family includes my entire country, even the entire world. And nobody on earth would deny just how much problem exists currently with my family...
I would think of the tiny toddlers and lispers who died before they knew what life was like, falling prey to a maniac's whim. I would think of this girl as she had one after the other surgeries performed on her, and in between expressing that she wants to live. Live with my intestine removed? Live on intravenous fluid all my life? I get scared every time I test for my blood sugar level. In case I am found diabetic, they'd stop me from having sweets - and what is life without sweets? And here she wants to live, wants to see the criminals brought to justice, and wants people not to know what has happened to her, not to sympathize with her. She wants to live a normal life, as if nothing happened.
I used to think a strange thing during my exam days, when I was not well prepared (I can't remember one exam for which I felt I am least prepared - let alone being well prepared), or the days when mark sheets would be given to us. I used to tell myself, time will pass, after a while everything will again be normal. As I kept reading the news and reactions in the social media (I am a silent type, I can't show off or write a lot and vent out my anger - my solidarity lies in reading and shedding silent tears), I kept thinking, does she think something of this sort? Did she think on similar lines when she was being tortured, and now that she is in acute trauma, does she console herself saying this will pass? Or else, how can someone think of living, when life spells out PAIN in big bold letters?
This is what I was thinking just two days back - when she was still alive.
Give yourself a little more time...
That's what I have been telling myself since last Saturday's fiasco. Given that it has been full 5 days now, I don't know how much more time I'd need. As I have repeatedly written here, I love myself too much. I can't see myself in tears. At the same time, I don't want to give up my job, let alone that, I don't want a single day's loss of pay even. I am in no mood to look for a new job, I am not confident enough to take up some new technology at this stage of my career, and at the same time, I don't want to take advantage of my office - either the management or the colleagues, i.e. I'm not ready to sit idle and earn a salary.
And when I talk about a little more time...what is it that I mean? This has been going on for time immemorial...
This is what I think today...she died despite her immense urge to live...the damage done was too much...
I have gained courage enough to look back at my troubles in a painless, indifferent way. Way every girl has to. Way every human being has to. You cannot deny life and live on. You have to accept, whatever life gives you. Accept and then revolt, then show bravery, then speak out, then fight. You might win the battle, you might lose. Don't let the win or the loss affect you. I am finally ready to go back. Face an employer not too interested in my services. Face myself, not too keen on working anymore. Not too keen on protesting, complaining or fighting. Face a family (an immediate family) not too supportive. Face memories and not wince (not to shout out and plead - oh don't discuss ultrasonography details with me, it reminds me of the moment I was told about the living breathing baby I couldn't save). No, I am not interested in reacting anymore. Lucky people do not realize how lucky they are. When you have suffered once, you can identify what the other victim is going through.
Yes I'd go back. And see what the world does to me, and whether I live a proper life or not. If I am indifferent, then why this dilemma? Because the world that is protesting, protests about a specific thing. They don't protest about victimization and wrongdoing in general. I have seen many guys famous for changing girlfriends like clothes, condemn the rape on Facebook in an attempt to show off. And think in their very own male chauvinistic way, oh I might have hurt a girl or two with my harmless flirting, but I have never raped anybody. I am such a great human being. The husband who probably beats his wife daily would be proud - I have never touched another girl apart from her - she should worship me. The father who denies his girl child proper education will be the self proclaimed hero - oh she'd never need to go out in the night, or do a job and face any threat of molestation. She will be safe at home till I get her married, and then let her husband deal with her. Are these people fit to be complacent? India, change your menfolks' mentality. Their thought process that so long as they don't rape, they are fit to do anything and everything with a girl in the community. NO. Girls are very delicate beings, who can tolerate labor pain but get killed a thousand times with the minutest blows that hurt their dignity. And men are very confused beings, who forget their origin, the nine months without which they wouldn't have seen the light of the day.
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