If there was a way of labeling blog posts or setting reminders, I'd have done that with this post. For I really want my husband to read it. So that he'd know and laugh - about just how much obsessed I am with my freedom.
Ahh, I indeed feel good. It has been such a tumultuous time all these 1.5 years. You get so jailed when there is something to look forward to. If I hadn't gone out with him for the first time and enjoyed that outing so so much, I'd never have lived my weekends in such a subdued way, missing that fun ever since. Will he call me? Shall we go out? Shall we laugh aloud and be merry or we'll end up quarreling? I just had apprehensions, never saw the opportunism in the person who was once a true friend.
Those few chats when both of us were very lonely and living all on our own, had they not been so endearing, I wouldn't have sought the endearment time and again from a guy who had long since turned insensitive.
Had the sparks not flown wild that October evening, I'd never gone looking for them in the person who had become frigid for a long time.
People cling to the past. One good thing happens, and people perpetuate the goodness. But it is so true that change is the only constant. I didn't know I have been changing myself. Letting go everything for this one mission of mine. Yes I am like that. Faithful, focused and positive, but I shouldn't have allowed these qualities to blind me from the obvious negativity that has been developing.
Now what? With a toddler's step I am walking back to my real life. The real life which I had ignored so much that it now is totally malnourished. And my mind is also terribly tortured. The scars are healing, but it will take time. So I read a page or two, surf a little internet, ponder on the recent books I have read, especially Atlas Shrugged. John Galt. I felt I am in love with a John Galt. Who sees only truth and nothing but the truth. And in actuality I was giving all my precious love to a mere Peter Keating.
So, another prospective Barney Livingston having proved his worthlessness, does Laura Castellano live? I guess she will. She is very weak right now, but yes, her morality is intact. That will help her heal herself. And if ever a Mr. Husband comes up, beware, do whatever, never make me too happy with your lovey dovey words, that I give up being myself and lose my freedom. I need it. Above everything else.
I miss my best friend. And the freedom he had given me. I curbed it, he didn't. If only he'd give me a last bit of freedom, in letting me be with him while he took his decision. For me, he'd always be the upright guy who wanted to throw stones at my tormentors. The guy with whom I got drunk when I told I wanted to marry him. The guy who knew just how much love he is capable of, how much love I am capable of, and what we are losing. Boo Boo you are happy today? We just lost each other. It is not scary I tell you. I feared I will die without you, see I haven't. I am already recovering steadily. Things are never that much worse, we just fear them. And we have to stand up, with our courage and give it a try. Hope you will stand up from now on, in coming stages of your life.
Ohh yes, those words from my friend still kept bothering me. But I am very sure she is wrong. This relationship is not my failure. But yes spying is not a good thing. But then, even John Galt spied once on Hank Rearden, to see what kind of person he is. I am trying to stop spying. And I am actually getting detached from Karthik and disinterested about him. He only said, everyone has a life to live. I am also going to live my life.
Ahh, I indeed feel good. It has been such a tumultuous time all these 1.5 years. You get so jailed when there is something to look forward to. If I hadn't gone out with him for the first time and enjoyed that outing so so much, I'd never have lived my weekends in such a subdued way, missing that fun ever since. Will he call me? Shall we go out? Shall we laugh aloud and be merry or we'll end up quarreling? I just had apprehensions, never saw the opportunism in the person who was once a true friend.
Those few chats when both of us were very lonely and living all on our own, had they not been so endearing, I wouldn't have sought the endearment time and again from a guy who had long since turned insensitive.
Had the sparks not flown wild that October evening, I'd never gone looking for them in the person who had become frigid for a long time.
People cling to the past. One good thing happens, and people perpetuate the goodness. But it is so true that change is the only constant. I didn't know I have been changing myself. Letting go everything for this one mission of mine. Yes I am like that. Faithful, focused and positive, but I shouldn't have allowed these qualities to blind me from the obvious negativity that has been developing.
Now what? With a toddler's step I am walking back to my real life. The real life which I had ignored so much that it now is totally malnourished. And my mind is also terribly tortured. The scars are healing, but it will take time. So I read a page or two, surf a little internet, ponder on the recent books I have read, especially Atlas Shrugged. John Galt. I felt I am in love with a John Galt. Who sees only truth and nothing but the truth. And in actuality I was giving all my precious love to a mere Peter Keating.
So, another prospective Barney Livingston having proved his worthlessness, does Laura Castellano live? I guess she will. She is very weak right now, but yes, her morality is intact. That will help her heal herself. And if ever a Mr. Husband comes up, beware, do whatever, never make me too happy with your lovey dovey words, that I give up being myself and lose my freedom. I need it. Above everything else.
I miss my best friend. And the freedom he had given me. I curbed it, he didn't. If only he'd give me a last bit of freedom, in letting me be with him while he took his decision. For me, he'd always be the upright guy who wanted to throw stones at my tormentors. The guy with whom I got drunk when I told I wanted to marry him. The guy who knew just how much love he is capable of, how much love I am capable of, and what we are losing. Boo Boo you are happy today? We just lost each other. It is not scary I tell you. I feared I will die without you, see I haven't. I am already recovering steadily. Things are never that much worse, we just fear them. And we have to stand up, with our courage and give it a try. Hope you will stand up from now on, in coming stages of your life.
Ohh yes, those words from my friend still kept bothering me. But I am very sure she is wrong. This relationship is not my failure. But yes spying is not a good thing. But then, even John Galt spied once on Hank Rearden, to see what kind of person he is. I am trying to stop spying. And I am actually getting detached from Karthik and disinterested about him. He only said, everyone has a life to live. I am also going to live my life.
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