Never in my life do I wanna forget the agony I faced on Sunday night. It was an agony that brings out the innermost of the hidden truths in your soul. What I wrote in my previous entry was only the beginning. Then I decided to sleep, for there was nothing else to do. I put out the light and went to bed. I started humming to me - I told you, the way I love myself is incredible. I must really really be a good person at heart, to be able to love myself so much. So I sang to myself, "Megha chhaye adhi raat...bairon bangayi neendiya". Me and my fascination with Lataji's songs. Then I don't know how many more songs I sang to myself, but the pain simply won't go. I didn't know a single person from friend or family whom I could call without having to worry that I am disturbing them. Except him. But he has forbidden me to contact him. And I was amazed at the limit of selflessness I have achieved. I was telling myself - don't...don't - siting all reasons starting from he might not be sleeping alone, to this is my first chance to obey him completely, first and only chance. At the same time there was this dumb protest going on inside my mind, ok I obey you - but you can sms? If even you don't know what I am going through, who else will? Then I started crying. Cried calling dad in my mind, because at that hour, there was no way I could actually call him up and cry. Dad, why did you send me to Bangalore. Why didn't you insist I stay on with you. Your little girl would have been spared from so much. And then the trauma grew more violent. I begged to God, God, from childhood, whatever You have taken away from me, I have never complained, I have tried to live on with whatever was left. You are not going to take him away from me...You are not going to take him away from me...
I don't know finally when I slept. I remember the alarm ringing at 7:30, and simultaneously the sound of the door getting locked, my brother went off to office. And then it all came back. The last night, and the suffering, it once again enshrouded me. Oh what would I do today? I asked myself. But in one corner of my mind, a small light flickered. At least I'd be able to see him? And then more despair followed. I didn't know after that what...seeing him - knowing he is fine is a great relief, but then? Even a year back, his indifferent attitude used to take away my life, and at that time I was not so broken. What now? How to deal with it. A strange fatigue was sinking in, a compelling desire to hide myself from the world. It was then that I heard the sms ringtone. Two small rings. More weariness sank in. Must be Citibank or some such crap. But - oh how difficult is it to hold myself back - when there is a fraction of a hope...that it might be him. And thus I reached out for the phone. There it was, the smiling pic of me and him, proudly showing "Boo Boo". For a moment I thought - what he might have written - but there was no mind to indulge my skepticism. And then there it was - putting and end to all my miseries, loud and clear - "Good morning and get lost - will come and kick you". A hoarse animal like cry came out from my voice, I can't tell you the intensity of that feeling, it was like returning from hell's doorsteps. The realization that there was one man who was awake with me, knowing what I went through, and himself going through the same. Forever in my life, this one sms from him will remain like a bliss - salvaging me from all darkness. I simply don't care what happens after this :)
Way back when I was in my early teens, and read গান্ধর্বী , I had told myself that if you love someone, you can never be afraid of him. And then there were these three days of constant shivering out of an inexplicable fear. And now there is this complete peace and ease of life. What a strange thing life is...
I don't know finally when I slept. I remember the alarm ringing at 7:30, and simultaneously the sound of the door getting locked, my brother went off to office. And then it all came back. The last night, and the suffering, it once again enshrouded me. Oh what would I do today? I asked myself. But in one corner of my mind, a small light flickered. At least I'd be able to see him? And then more despair followed. I didn't know after that what...seeing him - knowing he is fine is a great relief, but then? Even a year back, his indifferent attitude used to take away my life, and at that time I was not so broken. What now? How to deal with it. A strange fatigue was sinking in, a compelling desire to hide myself from the world. It was then that I heard the sms ringtone. Two small rings. More weariness sank in. Must be Citibank or some such crap. But - oh how difficult is it to hold myself back - when there is a fraction of a hope...that it might be him. And thus I reached out for the phone. There it was, the smiling pic of me and him, proudly showing "Boo Boo". For a moment I thought - what he might have written - but there was no mind to indulge my skepticism. And then there it was - putting and end to all my miseries, loud and clear - "Good morning and get lost - will come and kick you". A hoarse animal like cry came out from my voice, I can't tell you the intensity of that feeling, it was like returning from hell's doorsteps. The realization that there was one man who was awake with me, knowing what I went through, and himself going through the same. Forever in my life, this one sms from him will remain like a bliss - salvaging me from all darkness. I simply don't care what happens after this :)
Way back when I was in my early teens, and read গান্ধর্বী , I had told myself that if you love someone, you can never be afraid of him. And then there were these three days of constant shivering out of an inexplicable fear. And now there is this complete peace and ease of life. What a strange thing life is...
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