Ohh how can love go away in a moment's time? We were so so happy together, for the first time in my life, I felt what being in love feels like. Those evenings of repeatedly listening to "কে প্রথম কাছে এসেছি" or "এই পথ যদি না শেষ হয়", those mornings of the first meeting of our eyes and a smile breaking on both our faces, whose curse took away everything?
This was an entry I had written few days back, but had not published, because it seemed so silly:
She's not even gone yet, and she's all dreamy eyed about coming back. And she will try to allure me, in all possible ways. "Can you simply imagine, there's a ticket available for Rs 4400? We just must not lose this opportunity!!!"
Crap, crap, crap. Girl, come out of it. You ARE taking a break. NOBODY is that important, and for that matter more important than yourself. But ohh...who'll explain to people who are blind in love?
I somehow managed to stop myself finally from buying the ticket. All I told was...give yourself this chance to see the circumstances and then decide. Only because he is nice to you doesn't mean he has thought of commitment. And commitment is the only thing you need at the present moment. It is very difficult to explain practical things to a emotional fool. I was thankful I didn't plan my return trip, because then came this mail. Perhaps the last mail I'd ever be writing to him, following an insult which was too difficult to endure after an evening of blissful oneness - when we sang together, laughed together and was at the peak of our mental closeness. I had asked him to take me to home (ironically I refer to my place as "room" and his place as "home"), so that we can spend some more time together. Yes I went overboard with my insistence, that was indeed a mistake, but way he tormented me by saying things like - you mean nothing to me, and telling me the same old stories of how many other girls are equally crazy for him and want him, and sms him at the middle of the night, and he cannot care for everyone, he has his own life to live, and then...when I was just beginning to think that he will finally have mercy on me, he gave the final blow - that I should stop messaging or calling him, as he's going to get married soon, and that I have never understood him. It was a 26th August 2007 being repeated all over, only I love this guy too much to even think of revenge or break up. Even this stupid love won't go after so many blows. I literally feel I can kill myself but I can't kill him. Ohh please never force yourself in a relation of love where you must pretend every moment. Where speaking out your mind is a crime, where punishment is the only way of life.
I thought a lot about writing this mail. I know you are in no mental state to read it, and perhaps you don't even have the time. And as you usually do, you'll probably skip or delete the mail. Do it. I don't care. Do I care for anything you do? NO. Had I cared, had I maintained a least bit of self respect in our relationship, you wouldn't have treated me like this.
I am empty now. I feel drained and almost dead. You'd be surprised to know...yes I still love him. But I don't seek anything for that love. If my love is so unnecessary to him, I have no desire to prove its worth. What next I don't know. Life is unpredictable. It changes in a moment. Let's see. As I said, if it gives me opportunities, I will accept. I am not a coward. But at the same time, I won't deny me my rest. If you love someone truly, you cannot stay away from him, I have realized that. But then, there is no point imposing, I have realized that too. I am now really truly ready to leave everything on time. And yes on God. Once again chanting His name helped bring back my strength and faith. And I could see the truth very clearly. Truth of a very confused and weak person. Who wants me intensely, yet doesn't have the courage to admit it or stand up for it. But this time, it is not for me to give him strength. For a while, I live with myself...I think that will be in the best interest of both of us.
This was an entry I had written few days back, but had not published, because it seemed so silly:
She's not even gone yet, and she's all dreamy eyed about coming back. And she will try to allure me, in all possible ways. "Can you simply imagine, there's a ticket available for Rs 4400? We just must not lose this opportunity!!!"
Crap, crap, crap. Girl, come out of it. You ARE taking a break. NOBODY is that important, and for that matter more important than yourself. But ohh...who'll explain to people who are blind in love?
I somehow managed to stop myself finally from buying the ticket. All I told was...give yourself this chance to see the circumstances and then decide. Only because he is nice to you doesn't mean he has thought of commitment. And commitment is the only thing you need at the present moment. It is very difficult to explain practical things to a emotional fool. I was thankful I didn't plan my return trip, because then came this mail. Perhaps the last mail I'd ever be writing to him, following an insult which was too difficult to endure after an evening of blissful oneness - when we sang together, laughed together and was at the peak of our mental closeness. I had asked him to take me to home (ironically I refer to my place as "room" and his place as "home"), so that we can spend some more time together. Yes I went overboard with my insistence, that was indeed a mistake, but way he tormented me by saying things like - you mean nothing to me, and telling me the same old stories of how many other girls are equally crazy for him and want him, and sms him at the middle of the night, and he cannot care for everyone, he has his own life to live, and then...when I was just beginning to think that he will finally have mercy on me, he gave the final blow - that I should stop messaging or calling him, as he's going to get married soon, and that I have never understood him. It was a 26th August 2007 being repeated all over, only I love this guy too much to even think of revenge or break up. Even this stupid love won't go after so many blows. I literally feel I can kill myself but I can't kill him. Ohh please never force yourself in a relation of love where you must pretend every moment. Where speaking out your mind is a crime, where punishment is the only way of life.
I thought a lot about writing this mail. I know you are in no mental state to read it, and perhaps you don't even have the time. And as you usually do, you'll probably skip or delete the mail. Do it. I don't care. Do I care for anything you do? NO. Had I cared, had I maintained a least bit of self respect in our relationship, you wouldn't have treated me like this.
Yesterday night, what I had to do was unfortunate to say the least. It was not for me to do. And the impact of your reaction was not for me to tolerate. Would you believe if I tell you I am still trembling and shivering, now seated in the office, among so many people, I can't forget the way you have shaken me with your attitude. What do you think? You can make and break me every moment, as you please? You will never be able to deny the fact that you have always loved me, as what, we won't go into that question. Is this the way you treat a loved one, when she has done a mistake out of sheer helplessness? When she is struggling, trembling and begging for you to be a little considerate? One argument we get into, and you negate everything that exists between us? Yesterday you did it twice, once on the way to the restaurant, and then while dropping me home. As soon as a situation gets uncomfortable for you, you will lash out on me is it? That it is all my fault and my dreams and my misinterpretation, that I happen to believe that we love each other? Is it always my duty to make things comfortable for you? Did you ever care to notice how much stressed out I was, during entire evening yesterday? I came all the way from the office in the rain, taking help from my friend, I didn't eat anything in dinner, I got wet in the rain, I hardly watched the movie, I lost my shawl, all the while...all I had it in my mind is...this is probably the last time I am getting to spend time with you. In my mind, literally, I was splitting every moment into parts and living each of them. God dammit, even you know that my greatest fear factor is the fact that I will lose you any day. It is a fact. I know you are not strong. You tend to yield to everything else, except probably to your and my wishes. In my extreme urge to extend whatever little time I can hope to spend with you, I asked for an outrageous favor. Which got you angry. Was it the only way of showing anger? You could have said, "Not today, but some other day." Or taken me home for half an hour. Or been with me in my room for half and hour in the presence of my brother. All I want to tell you is, you could have thought of an alternative solution, instead of bursting out like that.
All I am trying to say is, once in a while you have to think about the other person too. So many days we have spent together, you didn't even learn to trust me properly. You thought I'd make you do something which you'd repent later. Whereas it was you who had said, both of us have a lot of self control...didn't you? I will tell you something more, which I have never told till today. You know what? The days you are repenting about are the only days you have lived as per your choice and wish. That is why they are so precious to me. That is how I want you to live, not in a constant sense of guilt, trauma and forced compliance. And I know there is no point telling these things to you. You know every single fact already. These facts make you angry, and not my request that I want to spend the night with you. You say I don't understand you, because at that time, the most convenient thing for you to do was to hold me in very low esteem, consider my intentions to be nothing short of seduction, and tell yourself that I want to take you to hell. You did just that.
How much more do I need to handle? I feel so dead. Is this the only result I shall get through draining myself and loving you? Today, behind my sms also you saw an intention to scandalize you. You failed to notice that I love you more than myself, so couldn't help myself from asking whether you are out of the tumultuous state of mind you were in yesterday. Forgetting my own agony, and expectation of sympathy from you, all I wanted to know was if you are fine. No, I am not a great person. I don't want to imply that at all. I just want to know, have you ever said words like please and sorry to me? Have you ever had to beg from me for anything? (I know your answer, you have repeatedly begged me to leave you alone - and I insisted that we talk). That is just one side of the coin. That was one time when I was asking something for myself - but in that too...I finally kept your wish, right? But apart from that, whenever you have asked anything from me, have I denied? Have I even asked a question? Have I ever said, this is not the proper time, proper place and all the excuses that you usually give?
I did a mistake yesterday. I realized it once I entered home and saw my brother wide awake. If I hadn't come back, your impression in his eyes would have totally been spoiled. But I didn't realize that when I asked you...I was crazy with my apprehensions of losing you in few days. Today's sms was also a mistake. I thought it takes 6 hours to your place, and you must not have left before 9 or 10, having slept that late. So...I thought 3:30 would be a safe enough time to sms, if I'd delay it further, you'd have reached home. I couldn't hold myself back, and sent the message at the last possible safe moment as per my analysis. Still, accepted that it was a mistake...and I am really sorry for spoiling everything we have gained for us, throughout last evening. I am really really sorry...
Only one last request...doesn't matter if you keep it or not, I'll anyways be gone in few days. And I swear if you don't make a serious attempt to change the situation, I will never again subject myself back to this hell. But still...think for yourself, apply your own logic, and tell me once...way you have always behaved with me, was that proper? I know you can treat a person like this only when you have full confidence on the person and know that she'd always forgive you and understand you...but all the same, is it not taking me for granted? If so, do I not deserve a similar grant once in a rare while?
You said yesterday, and also that day in the park, that I lost it. For my own fault. For my greed, my demands and my mistakes and selfishness. Right? Tell me something, if I lost it, then it means I had it once? Then why do you say, nothing ever existed between us? How much more of self contradiction will you do?
You remember, you had given me a chance to be your friend? I don't know how many chances I have given you to be able to deserve me and my love. And you have kicked all those chances. I am not like you...I don't threaten every now and then like you do...for I never want to...but if you let our yesterday's happiness and understanding go away for this one incident, you won't be doing the correct thing. If you have read this mail, and if you understand a little bit of what you made me go through...you come back and talk to me. Otherwise just consider me dead...I am anyways going away.
I am empty now. I feel drained and almost dead. You'd be surprised to know...yes I still love him. But I don't seek anything for that love. If my love is so unnecessary to him, I have no desire to prove its worth. What next I don't know. Life is unpredictable. It changes in a moment. Let's see. As I said, if it gives me opportunities, I will accept. I am not a coward. But at the same time, I won't deny me my rest. If you love someone truly, you cannot stay away from him, I have realized that. But then, there is no point imposing, I have realized that too. I am now really truly ready to leave everything on time. And yes on God. Once again chanting His name helped bring back my strength and faith. And I could see the truth very clearly. Truth of a very confused and weak person. Who wants me intensely, yet doesn't have the courage to admit it or stand up for it. But this time, it is not for me to give him strength. For a while, I live with myself...I think that will be in the best interest of both of us.
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