Why this suicidal decision is what I need to explain. I was so so protected in my home. Mostly locked up inside one of the bedrooms in the first floor (my parents and grandma stay downstairs, and because of old age, they seldom climb the stairs and come upstairs)...I don't know if I was curing my wounds, at least there was no way the world would inflict more wounds on me. Yes I did check Facebook regularly, but I braced myself and prepared for the worst, every time I did it. I told him I won't be an ostrich, I'd take his blows, and I kept my word.
See I am doing this once again, because I feel I have to do this. I must do this. It is not a decision I am taking post his engagement. This is a decision I had taken, a month back, when I genuinely felt that he loves me and he needs me. I remember telling my friend and neighbor in office, very proudly, that...you keep telling you'll kill him if you get to know who he is, if I don't return to him, he'll die anyways. And so, when these words sound like a big joke today, I am coming back to Bangalore, because this was a decision taken in good and honest faith.
Do I expect anything out of it? NO. I just need to prove what I have always tried convincing him about. You should never ever give up without giving yourself a chance to try. Right now, I am very weak, extremely vulnerable and damn scared. There is 90% chance that I will fail in the my social and professional interactions. But how can I be sure unless I try. I am going back just to try it once. To see my elasticity level up to my yielding point or breaking point (wow do I sound like I still remember school physics?)
I am just trying to practice what I preach :) Come on...I shall be me right? If you cut me into two, it is just a matter of bringing the pieces together and praying that I return to my original self. If I don't even attempt that, I am never gonna be whole again in this lifetime.
See I am doing this once again, because I feel I have to do this. I must do this. It is not a decision I am taking post his engagement. This is a decision I had taken, a month back, when I genuinely felt that he loves me and he needs me. I remember telling my friend and neighbor in office, very proudly, that...you keep telling you'll kill him if you get to know who he is, if I don't return to him, he'll die anyways. And so, when these words sound like a big joke today, I am coming back to Bangalore, because this was a decision taken in good and honest faith.
Do I expect anything out of it? NO. I just need to prove what I have always tried convincing him about. You should never ever give up without giving yourself a chance to try. Right now, I am very weak, extremely vulnerable and damn scared. There is 90% chance that I will fail in the my social and professional interactions. But how can I be sure unless I try. I am going back just to try it once. To see my elasticity level up to my yielding point or breaking point (wow do I sound like I still remember school physics?)
I am just trying to practice what I preach :) Come on...I shall be me right? If you cut me into two, it is just a matter of bringing the pieces together and praying that I return to my original self. If I don't even attempt that, I am never gonna be whole again in this lifetime.
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