At times I wonder, just how badly I have screwed up my life.
Cut shot, 7th December 2007. Seated towards the tail of the Singapore Airlines flight, in the middle row (ever since then I have never missed doing an e check in early, to get an window seat in the side) - with an elderly Bengali couple coming from the US. They loved my name, kept telling each other, really a nice name...the man was a little fussy, actually scolded the chief steward for delay in bringing up his dinner. The lady was telling me, we are going to a marriage. Since they won't allow gold jewelry in the luggage, see, I have worn most of them. I being a patient listener as always, nodded on and listened. And then came my dinner. All other food, + a gulab jamoon. I gave it a glance, and started crying. What with the security lady throwing away most of my gift items (perfumes and all - as the rule had just come in that you can't carry these things in cabin baggage), and then that very same suitcase getting checked in (due to overweight issue) - and then, then entire day's tension, the rain swept exist from my home of 9 months, the extra charge due to overweight baggage, the last few words with bossie, everything had as if drained me. The gulab jamoon was the last nail in the coffin. I still remember how terribly lonely I felt then.
One more situation when I feel lonely is the rare, very rare occasions when I happen to chase my lovers. Like, that day towards end of February (if my memory doesn't fail me, it was 26th February), 2008. He was returning to India. Presumably to me, or so the stupid me thought. Because he had sent out his last day mail just the night before, and then forwarded it to me, asking, jyada senti to nahi hogaya? I had vented out some long pent up emotions, ending with, at times it is good to emote. I felt and knew that he is coming back to me. Still when I called him in the middle of the night, to ask if he has reached, his voice was not as pleased. Later he said, he was irritated carrying 3 bags and was looking for a cab when I called, so couldn't reply properly, but then, I should have known right then - this man doesn't love me as much as I love him.
One day, I just came out of my flat, and Andy's window was open. He was lying on the bed, curled up in the blanket (which was one of the first gifts I had given him), and singing some song. His pain took me by storm, I couldn't help myself, I rushed to his flat. As the window closed, as the curtains stretched on the glass, as that blanket covered me up, I remember silently praying to my bossie, let this not happen. I belong to you...let this not happen...
I never prayed that when Boo kissed me for the first time. I belonged to nobody anymore. I knew him for almost 10 months by that time, I had gone through every kind of emotion for him, I knew in my mind that this relationship is a gift from God. I never had any doubt about my Boo Boo. I never paid heed to the intense pain I suffered from, the absolute lack of care he showed, I just had faith in my God. This man knows all my ordeals, this man...has told me, he never kisses someone on the lips because he'd get mentally involved with the person, and this man has kissed me, loved me, cooked for me, fed me, combed my hair - he can't do injustice to me. If I see it practically, I should have never let this situation come up. For God's sake, I have been trying to dump him since January, only I was never able. Jab tak hai jaan, jab tak hai jaan, jab tak hai jaan...and he was able to do it in a moment.
me: no...not in office then
I want to talk about a lot of things...
u know I can't hold back anything from u
he: i want to be specific man.
me: I have been going against myself n trying it for the past few days
he: u want to talk as friend yes..
me: I want u to be natural
n talk to me
he: ha.. that i am
me: I can't say specific or what...
if I talk I have to talk about our entire two years of relationship
u know that doesn't involve only friendship
so don't impose that condition
let us talk n be clear to each other
it will help both of us
u shd have given me this chance earlier only
and best option was a face to face discussion
I don't know what made u so skeptical
he: sry man
me: but now...please...
he: i dont want to
me: why boo
u call me friend...ur friend is suffering...she is a nervous wreck
please...
this is all I am asking?
he: yes. i will call.. and try to help.. provided. that doesnt give me a nervous wreck
I kept waiting, and fervently praying that he calls. He never called me that night, never again in all the days to follow. I chased him a little for few days more, then I gave up. Felt very low self esteem during those few days, but still, I thought, it is only him. So I just decided to cling on. I never got to know the reason for his decision. He never cared for our relationship or our friendship. Everything ended in a moment. In a blink. I went through hell for almost a month. Why do I call it a month dammit? Truth is, however much I try to conceal, I am still suffering. I terribly suffered this evening. Having attended a friend's housewarming, and having met other old and new friends there, I had this terribly distinct sense of failure. Oh God, why don't you let me run away from society and social duties?
It all comes back to me. The crushing mishap in 2006. To start with. Then, static life. All around me life moved on. All my friends, who were in love, somehow solved their problems and got married, got babies, got houses, cars - they have something to show off. I have only failure. No, I couldn't save my baby. No, my relationships didn't work. No, I couldn't agree to arranged marriage, something I don't believe in. No, I couldn't adopt a child, because my parents were highly opposed to the idea, and then how will I bring him up? It just seems that I have a job. I know my struggles. How I have simply managed to stick on to my job, knowing always that this might be the last day. You cannot perform in your professional life, until you have a stable personal life. Period.
No, fairy tales don't happen. No, miracles don't happen. Even if they happen, they just happen to destroy you. You cling on to them, you do a big mistake. For there is nothing called everlasting love. There is nothing like, someone somewhere is made for you. Today's world is very very torturous. There is no place for a girl's stupid romantic dreams. I have lived through my near 33 years of life, just thinking, that happiness will come. It has never come. Except for some rare days, won't even add up to one full year, I am sure. Grass is always greener is just for the sake of proverbial wisdom. My achievements are a big hoax. Given the circumstances, I might not be able to sustain this job for 2 more weeks. Yes, my savings might last for a while, and then I am reduced to the very people, whom you used to show me, and tell, see...they have to fight for their survival, to earn their daily food, and you blame God for your romantic mishaps. You know what, even that will happen. And I am even prepared for that. I am prepared to lose every single friend I have, to lose even the rest 4 of the 5 people I feared to lose, and my every single penny of savings. And I won't flinch. For I'd remember the person, whom I gave my life, thinking he will not hurt me. And he killed me. All these time we kept arguing, who would kill whom. And I couldn't kill, I couldn't destroy, I couldn't make any trouble. He finished me.
Boo Boo, it doesn't hurt that you left me.
It hurts that I still love you, and I cannot understand how I could love such a wrong person?
Cut shot, 7th December 2007. Seated towards the tail of the Singapore Airlines flight, in the middle row (ever since then I have never missed doing an e check in early, to get an window seat in the side) - with an elderly Bengali couple coming from the US. They loved my name, kept telling each other, really a nice name...the man was a little fussy, actually scolded the chief steward for delay in bringing up his dinner. The lady was telling me, we are going to a marriage. Since they won't allow gold jewelry in the luggage, see, I have worn most of them. I being a patient listener as always, nodded on and listened. And then came my dinner. All other food, + a gulab jamoon. I gave it a glance, and started crying. What with the security lady throwing away most of my gift items (perfumes and all - as the rule had just come in that you can't carry these things in cabin baggage), and then that very same suitcase getting checked in (due to overweight issue) - and then, then entire day's tension, the rain swept exist from my home of 9 months, the extra charge due to overweight baggage, the last few words with bossie, everything had as if drained me. The gulab jamoon was the last nail in the coffin. I still remember how terribly lonely I felt then.
One more situation when I feel lonely is the rare, very rare occasions when I happen to chase my lovers. Like, that day towards end of February (if my memory doesn't fail me, it was 26th February), 2008. He was returning to India. Presumably to me, or so the stupid me thought. Because he had sent out his last day mail just the night before, and then forwarded it to me, asking, jyada senti to nahi hogaya? I had vented out some long pent up emotions, ending with, at times it is good to emote. I felt and knew that he is coming back to me. Still when I called him in the middle of the night, to ask if he has reached, his voice was not as pleased. Later he said, he was irritated carrying 3 bags and was looking for a cab when I called, so couldn't reply properly, but then, I should have known right then - this man doesn't love me as much as I love him.
One day, I just came out of my flat, and Andy's window was open. He was lying on the bed, curled up in the blanket (which was one of the first gifts I had given him), and singing some song. His pain took me by storm, I couldn't help myself, I rushed to his flat. As the window closed, as the curtains stretched on the glass, as that blanket covered me up, I remember silently praying to my bossie, let this not happen. I belong to you...let this not happen...
I never prayed that when Boo kissed me for the first time. I belonged to nobody anymore. I knew him for almost 10 months by that time, I had gone through every kind of emotion for him, I knew in my mind that this relationship is a gift from God. I never had any doubt about my Boo Boo. I never paid heed to the intense pain I suffered from, the absolute lack of care he showed, I just had faith in my God. This man knows all my ordeals, this man...has told me, he never kisses someone on the lips because he'd get mentally involved with the person, and this man has kissed me, loved me, cooked for me, fed me, combed my hair - he can't do injustice to me. If I see it practically, I should have never let this situation come up. For God's sake, I have been trying to dump him since January, only I was never able. Jab tak hai jaan, jab tak hai jaan, jab tak hai jaan...and he was able to do it in a moment.
me: no...not in office then
I want to talk about a lot of things...
u know I can't hold back anything from u
he: i want to be specific man.
me: I have been going against myself n trying it for the past few days
he: u want to talk as friend yes..
me: I want u to be natural
n talk to me
he: ha.. that i am
me: I can't say specific or what...
if I talk I have to talk about our entire two years of relationship
u know that doesn't involve only friendship
so don't impose that condition
let us talk n be clear to each other
it will help both of us
u shd have given me this chance earlier only
and best option was a face to face discussion
I don't know what made u so skeptical
he: sry man
me: but now...please...
he: i dont want to
me: why boo
u call me friend...ur friend is suffering...she is a nervous wreck
please...
this is all I am asking?
he: yes. i will call.. and try to help.. provided. that doesnt give me a nervous wreck
I kept waiting, and fervently praying that he calls. He never called me that night, never again in all the days to follow. I chased him a little for few days more, then I gave up. Felt very low self esteem during those few days, but still, I thought, it is only him. So I just decided to cling on. I never got to know the reason for his decision. He never cared for our relationship or our friendship. Everything ended in a moment. In a blink. I went through hell for almost a month. Why do I call it a month dammit? Truth is, however much I try to conceal, I am still suffering. I terribly suffered this evening. Having attended a friend's housewarming, and having met other old and new friends there, I had this terribly distinct sense of failure. Oh God, why don't you let me run away from society and social duties?
It all comes back to me. The crushing mishap in 2006. To start with. Then, static life. All around me life moved on. All my friends, who were in love, somehow solved their problems and got married, got babies, got houses, cars - they have something to show off. I have only failure. No, I couldn't save my baby. No, my relationships didn't work. No, I couldn't agree to arranged marriage, something I don't believe in. No, I couldn't adopt a child, because my parents were highly opposed to the idea, and then how will I bring him up? It just seems that I have a job. I know my struggles. How I have simply managed to stick on to my job, knowing always that this might be the last day. You cannot perform in your professional life, until you have a stable personal life. Period.
No, fairy tales don't happen. No, miracles don't happen. Even if they happen, they just happen to destroy you. You cling on to them, you do a big mistake. For there is nothing called everlasting love. There is nothing like, someone somewhere is made for you. Today's world is very very torturous. There is no place for a girl's stupid romantic dreams. I have lived through my near 33 years of life, just thinking, that happiness will come. It has never come. Except for some rare days, won't even add up to one full year, I am sure. Grass is always greener is just for the sake of proverbial wisdom. My achievements are a big hoax. Given the circumstances, I might not be able to sustain this job for 2 more weeks. Yes, my savings might last for a while, and then I am reduced to the very people, whom you used to show me, and tell, see...they have to fight for their survival, to earn their daily food, and you blame God for your romantic mishaps. You know what, even that will happen. And I am even prepared for that. I am prepared to lose every single friend I have, to lose even the rest 4 of the 5 people I feared to lose, and my every single penny of savings. And I won't flinch. For I'd remember the person, whom I gave my life, thinking he will not hurt me. And he killed me. All these time we kept arguing, who would kill whom. And I couldn't kill, I couldn't destroy, I couldn't make any trouble. He finished me.
Boo Boo, it doesn't hurt that you left me.
It hurts that I still love you, and I cannot understand how I could love such a wrong person?
No comments:
Post a Comment