Once in a rare while, I do let myself get tired. Today was one such day. For God's sake, I have been fighting hard the whole month. When I came back to office on November 5th, I hardly knew how long I'd be able to survive. All I knew was my obstinate refusal to give up without trying. Oh few moments were indeed hellish, especially that long tea session in the pantry, when both of us refused to move out, and both of us refused to acknowledge each other. His laughter, my most favorite music, would be everywhere. I didn't know what he was trying to prove. Most of the times he'd stay clear of me, we bumped into each other only once, I could see this extremely defiant and cheeky look in his eyes, but I looked away and moved into the rest room. It was a distinct, "kya karloge mera, jo bigad jaoge tum", my silent "yeh na socha ttha kabhi, itne yaad aaoge tum" was helpless before him. But still, all I would think was, did I see a look of appreciation behind that veil of impertinence? Perhaps even an admiration at the way the broken girl still stands upright and still wears pink, the supposed shade of love...
Then he left. I gradually settled down. The speech and thought process had gone incoherent. There were so many instances when I was in discussion with my bosses, and was struggling for the apt word, even a close word also won't come up in my mind. I would stammer and stop midway in the sentence. I would hopelessly think, would I be any good ever?
But in my mind, I had this extreme urge to correct my mistakes. A friend, whose marriage I couldn't attend, I finally attended her housewarming ceremony, kind of to make up. Even today, a kid from my training batch pinged me and complained that I never found time to meet him when he came to Bangalore. I apologized and said, I used to be a very self-centered girl sometime back, now I am living more for myself.
Seriously I find a kind of freedom. Earlier, days would pass by in a tormented, dazed state. Will he, won't he would be my only thought and occupation. Even, once in a while when colleagues asked, so, what are weekend plans? My face would darken up...what to tell? How to tell? I don't know if he will be able to accommodate me in his busy schedule, but still I have kept my entire weekend free?
Questions still come. As usual I am still loved by the kids in the office. Di, why do you look so sady sady ever since you came back from home? Again the dilemma, what to answer, how to answer? Last year, this time my best friend had decided to kiss me, and go on kissing me till I kiss him back...and this year, same time, he has decided to hit me, and go on hitting me till I die? For he is one person who always knew, I can kiss him back, but I won't ever hit him back...No, I can't tell the story to anyone. I can't lie either. I said, I can't tell you now, perhaps I can tell it sometime, don't know when, if ever...The girl retorted...Di, I know half the story already, if you'd tell me the rest, I will also tell you something. I still maintained silence.
Silence wouldn't help at times. Standing in front of the lift I was groping for my office ID card, when I found a strip of Gelusil which we had bought, the day when I had come back from Kolkata and he came over and insisted we go out for dinner. I was dog tired from the journey, but still I complied. The strip is not even half over, and he is nowhere in my life. Then, once I got into the Hospital Canteen where we had eaten our first lunch together, the day he introduced himself to me. The place has been taken over by some other management, and the unfamiliarity made me run away from there, much to the awe of the friend who had accompanied me for lunch. Oh how could I explain, I want everything like before, else it hurts...
He has a tagline. You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. I felt blinding anger on seeing in for the first time. Lapse in morality is forgivable, a cover up isn't. I couldn't help writing to him...
You know boo boo, last year this day, this time, we were probably living our last good day together. Either, you were not living it the right way then, or you are not living it the right way now. Both cannot be true at the same time. And if any one of them is not the right way, then you haven't lived your life in the right way. No point in trying to prove otherwise.
Then he left. I gradually settled down. The speech and thought process had gone incoherent. There were so many instances when I was in discussion with my bosses, and was struggling for the apt word, even a close word also won't come up in my mind. I would stammer and stop midway in the sentence. I would hopelessly think, would I be any good ever?
But in my mind, I had this extreme urge to correct my mistakes. A friend, whose marriage I couldn't attend, I finally attended her housewarming ceremony, kind of to make up. Even today, a kid from my training batch pinged me and complained that I never found time to meet him when he came to Bangalore. I apologized and said, I used to be a very self-centered girl sometime back, now I am living more for myself.
Seriously I find a kind of freedom. Earlier, days would pass by in a tormented, dazed state. Will he, won't he would be my only thought and occupation. Even, once in a while when colleagues asked, so, what are weekend plans? My face would darken up...what to tell? How to tell? I don't know if he will be able to accommodate me in his busy schedule, but still I have kept my entire weekend free?
Questions still come. As usual I am still loved by the kids in the office. Di, why do you look so sady sady ever since you came back from home? Again the dilemma, what to answer, how to answer? Last year, this time my best friend had decided to kiss me, and go on kissing me till I kiss him back...and this year, same time, he has decided to hit me, and go on hitting me till I die? For he is one person who always knew, I can kiss him back, but I won't ever hit him back...No, I can't tell the story to anyone. I can't lie either. I said, I can't tell you now, perhaps I can tell it sometime, don't know when, if ever...The girl retorted...Di, I know half the story already, if you'd tell me the rest, I will also tell you something. I still maintained silence.
Silence wouldn't help at times. Standing in front of the lift I was groping for my office ID card, when I found a strip of Gelusil which we had bought, the day when I had come back from Kolkata and he came over and insisted we go out for dinner. I was dog tired from the journey, but still I complied. The strip is not even half over, and he is nowhere in my life. Then, once I got into the Hospital Canteen where we had eaten our first lunch together, the day he introduced himself to me. The place has been taken over by some other management, and the unfamiliarity made me run away from there, much to the awe of the friend who had accompanied me for lunch. Oh how could I explain, I want everything like before, else it hurts...
He has a tagline. You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. I felt blinding anger on seeing in for the first time. Lapse in morality is forgivable, a cover up isn't. I couldn't help writing to him...
You know boo boo, last year this day, this time, we were probably living our last good day together. Either, you were not living it the right way then, or you are not living it the right way now. Both cannot be true at the same time. And if any one of them is not the right way, then you haven't lived your life in the right way. No point in trying to prove otherwise.
Either you have pretended in your whole life till now, or you are going to pretend for the rest of your life. Either ways, it is your choice. End of the day, you need to be happy, even though it is just a pretentious happiness.
I told myself a 1000 times, I don't need to see what you turn into, after what you have done. But then, when God has created a person like you, He has also created a person like me. You remain yourself and I remain myself. Let's see at the end, how right your life turns out to be, and how wrong my life becomes. You always used to speak about that coffee meet when we are 90 years old. If that ever happens, we shall find out.
You know, I really wanted to write to you today, was remembering that Tintin movie, that ground nut festival, everything. Thanks for putting up such a wonderful status message and bringing me back to reality, at least you let me vent out my feelings.
My best friend...bestest friend...really...you proved it...
No reply. Oh why didn't I realize even after writing Justification of Insensitivity, that he doesn't feel anything. Why did I try to give life to a stone. But then, if anyone had perceived life in that stone, I had. I had seen the urge in him to live life his way, with the girl of his choice. But then he started putting conditions. He fell weak. It is not my mistake.
Every day, I would wake up from a disturbed sleep full of his dreams, and ache away to hide myself. Every day I'd tell, it is ok, we can fight it. Then for the evening, I'd plan to read, to cook, to surf the net or watch movies. Survival is such a challenge when your best friend leaves you without saying good bye.
Yet, tears had dried up. I never cried. Never in the last one month. But yes, I yearned for him. Tried to reach out to him. And at the same time, I was regaining my strength. And finally yesterday I got a chance. I had come back after a successful client presentation, and was beaming with new found confidence. The clownish guy, about whom I had written Another Hate Post, wrote me a mail, trying to patch up and invited me for lunch. He has always been the laughing stock for us. I forwarded the mail to him. He also couldn't help replying. Just a couple of lines.
ha ha.. moron of the world.. Go and have a nice food.. poor guy.. :)
At that moment, I wanted to die. I always had this wish, to die on 15th October, 2011, in his arms, with the realization that he loves me. With the realization that miracles do happen. If that could not happen, let me die knowing that he has written back to me at least once, after he abandoned me. But then, the full meaning of his conduct came crushing upon me. My best friend cannot comfort me when I am hurt, but he can join in when I am pulling someone's leg. He won't accept his weakness, but he will comfortably laugh at others. Is this the man I wanted to call my husband?
Every subsequent act of his showed me that weakness. He puts up posts on Facebook talking of courage, and taking your drawbacks in your stride, but he doesn't have guts enough to talk things out straight with a girl who loves him with her life. And as these things kept revealing, I saw my strength waning. In the evening, as a baby girl in the bus happily played with my bangles, I wanted to sink in a deep slumber. I came home and crashed on the bed. The month is over. My trial period is over. Do I chose to rest now?
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