I love the evening breeze in Bangalore. It kind of takes away everything negative, and leaves you with a strange calm. See...we are not ambitious people...let alone being greedy. At the end of a difficult day, I am happy with a pleasant breeze that seems to comfort me.
Hope is a wonderful thing. It makes you feel alive, suddenly, from nowhere. Is it really possible that he will come back sooner? Is it really possible that I will spend a little more than my stipulated time with him? No, it doesn't bother me anymore. The thought of his marriage. If it has to happen, it has to happen by his own free will. If after all he really wishes to marry some other girl, then, our love must have never happened...
If you ask me, the very idea that he'd backtrack from here, sounds impossible. And like a jigsaw puzzle I can find all pieces falling into their place (must tell you at this point that I am particularly good at solving jigsaw puzzles). Even my prospective break. If not now, then when again would I get time to spend with my parents. I am hopeful. About the future for which I have probably waited too long. Though there is no signal yet that it might happen, but simple logic tells me there can be no other possibility, until and unless he chooses a wrong path. And I strongly believe he is a John Galt in the making, he is also as obsessed about his desires as I am, there is absolutely no way this can go wrong.
But as always, certain negativity remains. The secrets which I have learnt, how to hold it back from my parents? If they happen to learn, there goes my family too...against us...leaving us totally alone, i.e. without a family. I am anyways 99% sure his parents will never accept us. The 1% benefit of doubt I am leaving, under the assumption that they must love their son at least that much.
And then my mind does tricks on me. From an apparent high, I reach an unexpected low. My mind has always been wary of and tortured by sexuality. Except with him, it has never felt correct. And nowadays it shows me more of its grey shades and freaks me out. But somehow, this correctness that he brings, comes to my rescue.
I know that the next one month will be terribly choking and indecisive. Working with a goal in mind is never easy. And straining and draining yourself, with your everything at stake, to achieve that one goal, is even more difficult. But I shall fight till the end and then silently walk away. Victory or defeat doesn't matter to me anymore. All I need is giving my 100% and then allowing myself to take rest.
Hope is a wonderful thing. It makes you feel alive, suddenly, from nowhere. Is it really possible that he will come back sooner? Is it really possible that I will spend a little more than my stipulated time with him? No, it doesn't bother me anymore. The thought of his marriage. If it has to happen, it has to happen by his own free will. If after all he really wishes to marry some other girl, then, our love must have never happened...
If you ask me, the very idea that he'd backtrack from here, sounds impossible. And like a jigsaw puzzle I can find all pieces falling into their place (must tell you at this point that I am particularly good at solving jigsaw puzzles). Even my prospective break. If not now, then when again would I get time to spend with my parents. I am hopeful. About the future for which I have probably waited too long. Though there is no signal yet that it might happen, but simple logic tells me there can be no other possibility, until and unless he chooses a wrong path. And I strongly believe he is a John Galt in the making, he is also as obsessed about his desires as I am, there is absolutely no way this can go wrong.
But as always, certain negativity remains. The secrets which I have learnt, how to hold it back from my parents? If they happen to learn, there goes my family too...against us...leaving us totally alone, i.e. without a family. I am anyways 99% sure his parents will never accept us. The 1% benefit of doubt I am leaving, under the assumption that they must love their son at least that much.
And then my mind does tricks on me. From an apparent high, I reach an unexpected low. My mind has always been wary of and tortured by sexuality. Except with him, it has never felt correct. And nowadays it shows me more of its grey shades and freaks me out. But somehow, this correctness that he brings, comes to my rescue.
I know that the next one month will be terribly choking and indecisive. Working with a goal in mind is never easy. And straining and draining yourself, with your everything at stake, to achieve that one goal, is even more difficult. But I shall fight till the end and then silently walk away. Victory or defeat doesn't matter to me anymore. All I need is giving my 100% and then allowing myself to take rest.
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