My humble Christmas...

It became quite obvious pretty early in the morning that I have to spend the day in a very lonely way, pent up in my room. I accepted it happily...I hoped against hope that may be mom would volunteer to go out in the evening - I'd at least get an opportunity to go out. She didn't. When I got down for lunch, I asked her - she denied. I retreated to my room. I don't like to go out in a crowded world - I hate to show my loneliness to the world. I watched a movie, and then had a show down with dad. He reacted, then relented, as is his way. But for the time in between, he had managed to make me feel so bad...I finally wrote him all that was weighing on my mind.

After I had written the mail...I felt better. At least I felt unburdened. I felt light - I realized I have nothing more to do. I decided to watch another movie. শব্দ in the afternoon had been pretty nerve wrecking, a reason why I am afraid of watching new movies these days. I don't know whether they'd agree with my system. So - I chose a safe one for the evening - one of my most favorite movies, and I was watching it for the second time in life. First time I had watched it when I was in college, with Pamu and her mom. I had noticed for the first time that Pamu wore much better clothes than me. It was obvious that she was more cared for than me. Her mom was her best friend. They watched the movie together as if they were friends - and exchanged comments, I watched it alone, analyzing my world. I scribbled on a piece of paper, "don't let your story go unfinished..."

Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam. A movie I have been remembering very often these days. Scenes from it, songs from it. When I was in college, I was this moving and talking cassette of the movie - one song or other would always go on in my mind, I'd be humming them all the time. This time as I watched it, the beauty of Europe in the second half enthralled me. The cobbled roads, the road side restaurants, people sitting and having beer, the churches, the bridges...it reminded me of my Prague, the most beautiful place of earth I have ever visited. Movie, did it touch me? Don't know - hardly one or two scenes. Rest simply seemed make believe, all credit to my bitterness.

I will sleep now...thanks to my parents that they didn't come and bother me further for dinner. I will sleep now. Tomorrow is another day.

The Candy Confusion...

D'bhai...come meet the craziest girl on earth. No really...no joke. She is this perfect drama queen. All day she has been sad (no... seriously sad). And then came evening...and she cuddled beside her mother after a long long time. It was cold. Mom and daughter cuddled on the bed till it was dinner time. Call with bhai being over (where I was profusely complaining about the "mishap" about which he hardly had any clue - oh you told me is it? Sorry didi...I didn't register...) - what would you do with such a brother?

Dinner was good. It was fish cooked the way I like. দই মাছ। And then it was time for my lonely existence - before I'd fall asleep. The time I usually love most. And the time I dread most - once in a while...when life brings me to a weakened condition. And then came the waves...of realization after realization, washing over on the shore. And there's so much of gems spread everywhere (মণি মুক্ত হীরে জহরত) - and then there's my imagination, and my romance, with all that...can I miss somebody?

And then came piercing pain. Real piercing pain. I was fondly remembering Love Aaj Kaal and Sarkar Raaj, the black tea, the black coffee, and the normal tea...and from nowhere came that can of ice peach tea...and two ice cream cones. As if they are frozen in time. If you look at it, two of the three member team is still there, only I...am left with my time pocket. The first drops of tears came out. I begged...to be sent to that time pocket for a day or two...to be transported to that time...when despite everything going wrong...life was not so hopeless. Just then I didn't know what lies ahead.

I didn't have any notion...about the corpulent tears I am yet to shed. Oh D'bhai, he's so precious...why does he spread his broken pieces in the dust...like this? I wish I could protect him, could just cover up his precious bits by stretching myself - but I am not allowed.

Tears...অশ্রু :) I am shuttling between 2007-2008 and 2014 now.

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

অশ্রু নদীর সুদূর পারে - ঘাট দেখা যায় তোমার দ্বারে...

As was my habit from my Prague days, if I remember a রবীন্দ্রসঙ্গীত I have to do research on it. Hear two-three versions, in different voices, male, female, artists of different times and different genres. Yes I have a budgeted existence, but no...not this month please. I allow myself to use my data pack without inhibition. Music has come back to me after a long time...music which doesn't leave me, every other day, way he does.

Yes I liked some, didn't like other renderings. But my heart ached for something else. I couldn't remember the name of the movie. চিরদিনের? I guess not. The name is my favorite, after Ananya's elder sister...অদিতি - my mind groped around. Then suddenly I remembered - বিলম্বিত লয় - I have watched the movie hardly once, that too in childhood. But I remembered that the movie ends with this song. I found it in youtube...I watched the last of 12 clips. No...not the song...I was mistaken...only a hint of the tune...played through some instrument...flute? But the clip was beautiful...

And then she becomes naughty. D'bhai...when all is over...can I claim my candy please? Who knows if the candy too goes away. So...lady Sherlock in action (can't imagine Miss Marple doing things this stealthily) - and the candy is brought up. The candy...my cherished candy. And her entire face breaks into this enigmatic smile...no...D'bhai...I tell you...I still don't like my candy enough to claim it :) :)

If not...then what's the fight all about girl? I don't know...it is his problem...not mine. As much as I don't like my candy, I am sure he doesn't like his candy either. Aah, how does the story move from here then? Let's please not talk about the stupid movie called Sirf Tum which my boyfriend from college (the same "ask a question to the astrologer" guy) liked a lot, in fact had he not liked it that much, I'd have never brought myself up to watch the movie. And let's not talk about movies, already my mind is meandering to Badal, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai - day before I was frantically searching for a particular scene in Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam (in youtube - though I have the entire movie in my pen drive - data pack relaxation you see) and couldn't find it...but anyways patience is still my middle name...

Ok that should be it for today...bedtime...last glance...candy? Like it? Eyes lowered...

Happiness is...

There is this popular stuff going on in Facebook. You may call it the Happiness Is series...

So my humble addition to that is...

Today is one of the most wonderful nights of my life. I can't explain why. I didn't understand a lot of things till date...which I understand now. I can't even fathom the happiness myself, let along telling you about it.

I can find...a certain...shall I say rhythm...in God's world. May be, just may be...as I am not sure yet...everything happens for a reason?

And I discovered a trick too. The trick is...in not trying to discover the reason...

Just realizing this bit should be enough...

Claiming my candy...

What is normalcy? I don't know. I am indeed affected in several small ways. 

1. I left my wallet with my team mate - in her back pack. I didn't even realize that long after I had traveled back home, till she called me. Thank God I have the car, else the bus conductor or the auto driver might have beaten me up.

2. I forget to keep track of my expenses. Can you beat that? I don't keep track of my bank balances, interests, withdrawals...just as a routine habit I'd jot down the daily expenses (that too is minimum as there is no regular expense for transportation).

3. I have really become sloppy in my work. I am not boasting - but I hardly do any mistake in work. Not that I am doing any major mistake, but I replied back to the sender instead of replying to all, and then had to loop others in. And I have to really plan and track hard, so that I don't miss out on a scheduled work. 

4. I can't focus. I mean I can focus, but the focus is elsewhere... mostly on music... else on pure fun with my teammates. I laugh aloud and act crazy. Anyways I am a happy girl, now all the more.

5. Everyone is making fun of me. My parents will chuckle on seeing me, even a professor here asked me today, "Haven't you been taking your bath? You look so confused?"

6. Middle of the nights are particularly trying. I get to see certain avatars of mine, which I didn't know to exist till date. The struggle, the pain, the frustration, and the emotions, all come out in more skewed ways than one. And the questions - I ask myself, or my God, are mostly unanswerable. 

7. I hate crowded places. I hate undesired friends. I feel lost in the normal world. I try my best to tell people who still care - that look, let me go now. I have a new world... a very lonely world... but it has music, and it has peace... let me go there...

Yesterday, I made myself work real hard, with the promise of a candy. A candy I had just accidentally discovered in the morning. And then, at night, after the work was over, I didn't feel like claiming it. Neither do I want to claim it today as well. 

What is there to be claimed D'bhai? Don't I see the truth? Can't I see the truth? The world is going to the rots, every other day, there is a tragedy. While the rest of us continue with our life as usual. Have parties, impress and butter people, worry about our love life. And tomorrow, who knows, we also might end up being blasted by a bomb, or a bullet might run through us.

Life is so so uncertain, yet we desire fulfillment in life. Such a paradox. Such a bitter, awkward paradox in the name of survival of the fittest. Fittest or luckiest, I wonder.

I don't know if I want anything from this life. I know its truths. The nice ones, the romantic, positive ones, and the monstrous, evil ones. For a passing moment I remember the song "Socho ke jheelon ka shahar ho...", and the video tells me all. You can't dream in this world D'bhai...you just can't.

I don't know how to claim my candy. I don't want to live without it. I love it. I have almost assimilated its flavors in me. But something still stops me... my happiness... my attempts... to seek out my candy.

It still remains "my" candy... mind it :)

It's a very sad smile... I hate terrorists. I hate human beings who do not respect life. "With great power comes great responsibility" - wish everyone would understand that...

Music...reincarnated!

I want to write a lot of things, if only I could find the right words. My happiness seems to have drowned my skills for expression. Is it happiness even? Does getting to a no man's land create joy? I don't know. I just know that music has been pouring in, like God's blessings, and it transcends my days and nights. At 3:30 in the night it'd be like - I don't want to sleep yet please...just one more song. At 11 in the morning it'd be like - mom, I am going upstairs to take my bath...and then I'd forget my bath and start exploring songs I haven't heard for ages, and I didn't believe till now that I'd feel like hearing ever again. I get stubborn inside the car, if some other channel than 98.3 would be tuned to - no I want 98.3 only. I have no idea why I do that...they play very less songs and huge amount of ads, yet...one or two songs they play touches the chord - way no other channel does.

Yesterday, was a Saturday night I enjoyed a lot, way I used to enjoy in SG or Prague. I spent it all by myself, staying up alone till late...and just being blissfully happy. I don't know when again I will be feeling even wee small vestiges of this happiness, so I wanted to enjoy it to the fullest. I don't know about a tomorrow, tomorrow still scares me, tomorrow still has important, irreversible decisions to take, or may be just watch on silently as life takes away that opportunity of deciding for myself what I want. But I don't want that tomorrow to even touch my today. My today is pure extravagant bliss. I have never known happiness in this way, baseless, undemanding happiness that too.

All I know is, if there was no God, I couldn't have seen this day, I would never ever have even dreamed of it...with all my imagination. But stay grounded my girl, tomorrow can be very different...I don't forget to tell myself :)

A good night :)

I don't know if truth is stranger or steadier than fiction, but truth has its own troubles. A girl like me would rather comfortably stay on in her dream world instead of venturing out to meet truth. The dream world makes me feel comfortable and happy and excited - it has just the right ingredients, because I have created them. The problem occurs when your day dreaming and actual dreaming (in your sleep or stupor when you are really tired) clash. Today my actual dream scared me. It gave me a jolt...the heart skipped a beat, I stretched and cuddled under my blanket...it was a happy but uncanny feeling. Is it really going to happen? Am I even ready for it?

I don't even want to describe my current state of complete bliss. The only things bothering me, don't concern me or my immediate world. They comprise of unyielding selfish brutes whom I don't have much patience for. They may spoil my peace of mind, but won't gain anything for themselves. But then there are good people too. The world is a right mix. Who am I to dictate what is right and what is wrong? Haven't I done wrong things myself?

Today I did a strange thing. Towards the end of my evening prayers, I prayed a bit asking something for myself. All these days, this is something I have never done. I am no saint, but I never pray for myself. Not after those innocent childhood days when I'd keep on saying "কিকা দাদাকে ফিরিয়ে দিও..." a wish God never fulfilled. I have no idea if He'd care to keep this wish of mine.

My own world!

The lowest point today was my conversation with my once upon a time boyfriend. I don't know what made me ping him. Perhaps because, despite everything, the guy has cared to keep in touch. I know he is one of those people who can't stand up for themselves, and is dictated by the society. But he has loved me in his own way, cared to come back more than once in my life, tried quite a lot to convince his parents about marrying me (which they didn't accept because they belong to an upper caste), and when his relationship was not working with his wife, I had helped him tackle the situation, and then they reunited, and had a daughter afterwards. So in some way, we have shared our lives and helped each other.

He had pinged me couple of times, I had replied back late. Today, after a hectic first half, as I got some time to relax, I just pinged him to say hi. One thing led to another, and I just happened to tell him of my recent ordeal - met a guy, became friends and then things didn't work out. "Why don't you go for those - ask one question?" - he blurted out. I didn't quite get him. Asked him to explain. At this he says, his suggestion would be that I consult an astrologer and ask him one question - if I'd at all get married. And only if he answers in the affirmative, should I go and meet guys.

Frankly this was a bit too dumb even for my standards (I have met people of all kinds and I usually tend to accept them the way they are). I really am tired about this now. Why does everyone bother so much about my marriage? There is this paper-wallah who comes home to collect junks. Way my parents are - even he has become a family member. The other day, as I was going out for Interstellar, he came up, sat in the porch, and started saying, "this time I found a really smart guy - as much educated as your daughter - only problem is her age - everyone seems to be younger than her...". Other days, I make sure I wish him - this time I just walked past him and stormed out of the house. The guy who cleans our garden and overhead tank, the other day I woke up and got down in the morning to see him having his breakfast. He met me and started saying, "why don't you get married? Look at your dad, he's so worried. Look at your dad's friend, he's so relaxed, now that he's married off both his kids..."

It goes on and on and on. As if I have any objection to getting married. What if things go wrong? What if nobody likes me? What if I have become aged? Aged? Am I? I don't find myself old. Matured, yes. Seasoned well with the world's ways, yes. But old, no. I just don't want this dissection of my personal life by all and sundry. It tires me. I get frustrated.

Have you ever woken up with tired eyes, looked for something, groped in the darkness, and was unable to find it? Wished there was some light? I feel it is impossible for me to protect myself...from this pain. So I embrace it...

And I return to my own world...the world that makes me happy...me and my books. Have been reading up tesseract, and found out about this book called "A Wrinkle in Time". Wiki makes it sound interesting. So long as books are there, I won't be very lonely I guess.

Lost in the crowd...

Interstellar, though incomprehensible, left a nice aftertaste. Probably the first movie I watched where the audience broke into a spontaneous applause at the end of the movie. May be most of them are বোকা বাঙালি - বিশেষ কিছু বোঝেনা, me included, but liked it all the same.

I had slept off after I returned home, had lunch and had an unwelcome argument with dad. I don't like the traditional avatar of my dad, where he undermines me as a human being, and thinks of me as one example of the female species. I marched to my room and just collapsed. When I woke up, it had grown dark. I don't like this particular phenomenon, so I don't tend to sleep during the daytime. It is fine by me, when I sleep late at night, and I wake up when the sun is shining bright. Not when light is pouring in through the curtains when I close my eyes, and I wake up in total darkness.

Yesterday I finally called Pamu's mom. I have been worrying about her. She hasn't responded to my messages in Facebook ever since September, when I had forgotten her birthday. Seeing her in the dream day before shook me up - I had to do something about it. Her mom said, she is fine, must be busy with work and family...she will tell her.

I felt a bit reckless like Bella Swan in New Moon. I was clumsy at times (bought a notebook to maintain day to day car and driver data, dropped it on the way, and while collecting it back, dropped my bag - thank God there were not many onlookers) and smart (watching a movie all by myself was smartness in itself...haven't watched any movie all alone except ইতি মৃনালিনী once upon a time in Bangalore, then I didn't buy a water bottle all for myself, and went out from time to time to get a sip of water so that I don't get dehydrated...and...I crossed the roads without the signal on - something I wouldn't have believed I am capable of) and suddenly amid all these, I remembered that dialogue from ZNMD - I haven't learned to repent. It's ok, it's just fine...I have means to sustain myself. I am proud of my apparent foolishness. At least when I meet God up there, He might mock me a bit, and imitate my various failures and we shall have a hearty laugh over that, but He won't be able to say, I don't help those who don't help themselves.

Going to read up Interstellar a bit. My dongle data pack dies today - I am uncomfortable recharging it online - Reliance is not as organized as Vodafone. So whatever I can do with the remaining 300 odd MBs by 12:00 midnight.

I was a child of 5 when I had gone to a circus with my cousin brothers. I was very surprised when I went there. I could hardly watch the circus going on. I was busy watching the crowd. Why is the place so crowded? How many people are there? Is the world so densely populated? Are there so many human beings? Is it required?

The questions were so deep seated in my mind that I still remember that time. I feel the same today. Wish the world was not so crowded.

Premature...

They say, whatever God does is always for the best. I am currently in a mental block, so I can't really analyze this statement in the light of recent incidents and comment intelligently on this. I don't regret what happened last night. If I had allowed this euphoria through a drug-induced illusion to go on without reason for another couple of weeks, it could have paralyzed me, even damaged me permanently. I don't know yet how much damage is done, except for a state of numbness, and mild irritability, I don't feel much. I thought I'd cry last night, but was so exhausted, I just slept. I met Pamu and a particular Professor of mine, in my dreams, as I walked down the roads. I don't remember exactly what we talked about.

The only emotional thing that happened was when Ananya called me in the morning. As soon as I had woken up today, I had given her a SoS call...and she called me back after she reached school. Just hearing her voice, I reached liquid frequency - "something happened last night, which is not good news, and I don't know how I feel about it". "But why are you crying?" - "I am not crying idiot, I just heard your voice and started crying, I was not crying earlier".

She had classes. I couldn't tell her anything. I thought, I better write things down and remove memories that are weighing upon my  mind, if I want to go down and meet my parents with a straight face.

So yes, I asked him if he would like to try me as a prospective partner, and he said, he doesn't like me enough to do that. I didn't bring this up deliberately...our easy, free flowing conversation led to this topic...but at the same time, only I know how much bravery and prayers I needed to be able to do this...and yet I could sense how he wanted to run away from it.

He spared me a lot of agony that would have resulted, had I gone on analyzing unconvincing data sets and dreaming big. I don't know if we'd be friends again. As two very similar human beings, I had thought we had more to share with each other in this life itself. Yes, my happiness is gone, and that hurts, but then this is me, this is my life, and my destiny...and as I always do, I will just accept and go on. I will miss my friend, and I will miss my dreams :)

And his love for me!

Ananya wonders why I am not actively pursuing him. How do I explain to her. I am a very mundane, no-talent girl. I am a nobody beside a superhuman like him. Frankly, perhaps for the first time in my life, I am humbled, that this person even considers me as a friend. Not only does he consider, he...spends considerable time and energy on me, he dotes on me. And we gel well. Thankfully we never had a misunderstanding till now. I have shouted at him more than once, but he has taken it very calmly and soon forgotten. Nowadays what he shows to me can almost be termed as affection. What, can anybody ask for beyond this? I really don't know about anybody else, but for me, this itself is heaven.

My life is over, I am just a good for nothing person who has to somehow spend the rest of her days. If I can do this much, if I can at least put this person back in shape, and as far as I can see, I am quite successful in that, it will be a good deed done. I have never helped anyone, nobody probably ever benefited from me. People consider me selfish, and there might be a lot of truth in it. But this is the first person I have ever met in life, with whom I don't feel like being selfish. And how to be selfish D'bhai, when I am totally myself with him. I don't need to act. Words flow freely. I just bare my heart before him. We are two sad people who feel privileged to share each other's life and experiences. But that apart, I just don't deserve to stand beside him. His place is somewhere much much ahead of me. I can respect him, love him, but can't demand anything from him.

I practically amaze myself. I spend hours inside my room, wondering about this, shedding tears plentifully and being blissfully happy. Me and my problems will always remain. Let us not involve this angelic person in all that. Let him love me in his own sweet way, and he is free to get away from me whenever he chooses to...

My new friend...

Nice new friendship has sprung up here...it takes up lot of my time to write to him, but still I have some time left to myself to reminisce. He's brought a chunk of my lost childhood back to me. I remember the crazy stupid girl I used to be at school (as if I am not a crazy stupid girl anymore). And somehow the void is gone. The void, which I used to dread so much. I still dare not exploit it much, because you see, this might just be short lived. And I don't want to do any of the usual things I do...miss him, blame him, cry for him. He came at just the right moment, and he understands me just the right bit. But I might not be the right lady for him. So no regret. I just want to enjoy his friendship for the time being, be able to spin some dream, be enthused to listen to some music, to charge my iPod...that is a leap in itself...for a girl who almost died.

The walk together...

When you don’t get a solution you should stop thinking. Maybe that’s all I should do. Stop my stupidities, my burning curiosities, my habit of analyzing and dissecting every bit of a moment and trying to draw an inference, maybe I need to learn to leave things alone. To not try and predefine the track my life should take. And I should stop being judgmental. I should stop being negative, or for that matter being positive as well. 

No, this is your limit, don’t cross it. Don’t take any action. Don’t try and make yourself happy. You are supposed to live this way, zombie style. What you have done till now – that itself is outrageous. Keep some of your honor intact. You are a lady for God’s sake. Do not beg.

And I told him as much. I can’t beg. And I left it at that. It is not schizophrenia, even I believe so, like he does, but whenever I’ve been too insisting with my ordeals, he started talking vaguely and impractically, and I told him right away, that his suggestions don’t have any meat in them, which disturbed him further. I didn’t like the state he is currently in, though his real self glittered out once or twice, and I loved it.

You know D’bhai, all these while, I have hated my supposed soul mate. For not coming earlier, for not bailing me out of this terrible terrible life. I never thought that he’d be in as much need of me, as I of him. Oh, the vulnerability – I still can’t believe. I am one pillar of strength compared to him. But I finally managed to drive this in his head, that his situation is rather perceived. It is not the end of the world for him. He admitted that I am in a much worse condition. I don’t know what more I could have done. If we are soul mates, then, so far as I understand, our integrity matters a lot to us. So he won’t stop pursuing his current relationship, just because he has met me. And I cannot probably cause him more emotional turmoil right now – when he is already in a state of mental instability. I need to give him a lot of space and time, and I cannot be selfish. For once, let us not be selfish. 

And let's dissociate ourselves from this right away. I don't want a দীপ জ্বেলে যাই in my life. As much as I hate this current life, that, would definitely be worse...

Aah, placeholders don't remain so, and I can't even go back to my best friend now (even virtually). Is that going to be all?

Now what?

And now…I am really scared to write…দুষ্টুমি is good...pranks are good, but not when they backfire. 

And my hell bent stubbornness was by any means not good at all. It was as if I had to break the shell of this guy. Try as I might to act as if I don't know him, I do know how reserved he is. What have I gained by breaking his barrier and setting up a meeting. Beg, borrow, steal or kill, but just don't let him be evasive. Ok, so he stopped being evasive, he's agreed to meet me. Now what? Have I not invited someone to break my dreams in front of me, one more time?

There is no point denying this. I might like to live in my own bubble, but the rest of the world doesn't. Why had I to make such a fool of myself?

It was as if, I just couldn't let it get over, just yet. I was desperate. I must have sounded like that, pleading with him. Yet, trust me, I didn't plead. For the first time I have been myself, comfortably talked out my mind before someone. I was compelled to do that.

I don't know what happens now.  I don't even want to think. I was scared to read my previous entries today. Last week there was no trace of this...now a mountain seems to have sprung up from a molehill. Was I better off then or am I better off now? 

Tell you what, it is not easy for an Indian girl to behave like a westerner. I really don't know where from I gathered the courage. At least let me sleep happily tonight, with this sense of triumph :)

Ok we'll follow through with grief or happiness whatever chooses to come my way, for now - let us not speculate anymore.

My bossie's mantra is the key to everlasting serenity - Expectation...rakkho hi mat :)

Last night...

I had never felt such trepidation as I felt yesterday night. I was…like…ignoring Yahoo with all my might. I actually wrote my blog entry offline, and then just logged in to publish it. Consequentially, I thought it is only fair to check whether he has replied. But I could not. My hands went numb, I almost began to shiver. I had to pay my credit card and telephone bills, to steady myself I did that first. Yet there was hardly any improvement in the situation. I was adamant. I won’t log in. I didn’t analyze, way I usually do, about what might or might not go wrong, what he might have written, etc. I was just not ready to face this ordeal. I panicked. I need music, I said. I tuned in to some silly songs I have always liked, Chori Chori Chupke se from a stupid film called, Lucky, no time for love :( (believe me) and Pehla Pyar ka Pehla Gham from Papa Kehte Hai…and that calmed down my nerves. I finally logged in, and saw there was a reply from him. That calmed me down even further, but nothing would have prepared me for what he said in his reply. It started with…”I remember you have a strong backbone” and he went on to describe some incident at school which I couldn’t remember at all. The rest of the message was even more curious. He said he’d explain things when we meet (this was the first time a meeting was brought up) and that we’ll surely meet in some (mind you, some, not mine or your) marriage reception, in two months to two years time. He went on to talk about God playing with his life and his dislike for lawyers. Totally unrelated stuff, if you ask me. And I can’t even describe in words, how emotionally traumatized I felt after reading his message. I cried almost for an hour, till my eyes looked blood shot. Haven’t cried so much for quite sometime now. The simple explanation would be that he’s getting married and there is some issue about it, which is being solved by a lawyer. I am not sure if that deduction made me cry, or his warm and familiar tone. But afterwards, I wrote out a reply. Wrote whatever came in my mind, just put my vulnerability in words you may say. And I decided to be done with it right there and then, I didn’t care that it was 1:30 in the night, and I shouldn’t post something this late, to an apparently unknown guy's message box. I just wanted to wake up unburdened this morning. All I can say is, I haven’t felt so intensely for a while now. I still haven’t checked for his reply, if any, I don’t want to…

I put myself to sleep with Suman's songs after a long long time...it keeps coming back even now...

পাল্টে গেলি তুই, আমিও পাল্টে -

গিয়েছি মাঝ পথে হাঁটতে হাঁটতে...

বন্ধু কি খবর বল - কতদিন দেখা হয়নি...

It was like somebody has put a mirror in front of me...Mirror of Erised...from Harry Potter. It was nice, it felt good. I told him that too.

Some strange feelings...

If anything, I am grateful to him for bringing back in me this habit of writing, of trying to express myself. I got a wonderful thought today, a thought which probably only I can get. I was sitting idle this evening and missing my copy of “Unaccustomed Earth”, as I often do. And it just occurred to me that if ever I get married to him, I will ask him to write this mail to Boo.

Dear Mr. …

Could you please return my wife’s copy of “Unaccustomed Earth”? She feels about it as if it has life, and she really longs to have it back. And I am sure if it has life, it is not particularly enjoying itself at your place. You turned out to be a wrong person, not the one to whom she had intended to give it. Now would you be kind enough to return it to me, my address is…

A smile lighted up my face as I pondered over this strange strange thought. Was there anyone else whom I could ask to write a similar mail? May be Avik-da, if he was not so self-obsessed, may be Ananya, if she was not so lost in her own world. But why him?

Well, don’t get me wrong, I know it’d be over in a day or two, if it is not already over. But these few days, I have almost felt as if I got a friend whom I could trust. I was super frank with him, opened up to him in a way I would take ages to open up to someone else. Considering the outrageous thing I did today, I am sure I wouldn’t have done that with anyone else ever. I am shy, I am reserved, and although I get a bit carried away, whenever I am into one of my romances (may be a lot carried away in some occasions), but never do I taunt people, or actually express my anger with them, from day 1. I am coated with sugar or honey with my so called boyfriends in the first few days. I want to show my best. But not with him. Already, in my mind, I find myself telling him about my shortcomings, my failures, my futile dreams, my fears…if we ever meet. Nothing positive, no need to impress him. I am this screwed up person. Take me or leave me. I am running out of time.

Would you like to know what I did today? I am fighting with myself to not login to my Yahoo account. Yesterday, when I closed off the conversation with my first subtle taunt, I was sure he won’t reply back. Yet I kept checking from time to time to probably just convince myself that it is over. There was nothing…till late midnight, and I slept off. I resisted till lunch time today. And then, cursing myself, I checked again. There was no message from him. There was something else, a request for recommendation. It caused my blood to boil, I was angry and upset. And I taunted him to my heart’s content and wrote back to him. Trust me, I felt good, after doing this. Even though it was so unlike myself. I sang songs, romantic songs that too, and have been singing then throughout the day. I even felt this aching desire to listen to my iPod. Something I haven’t done for ages. And I haven’t checked for his response, since then. I don’t care or may be I do. I am happy that I spent a couple of days being myself, just because of his presence. I realized once again, just how precious I am to myself. I had stopped caring for myself you see. He showed me that I can still dream, no matter if it leads to yet another heartbreak subsequently. Imaginative though I am, 90% of this might be in my mind, but 10% is definitely his contribution.

And I just hope to God he doesn’t ever come across my blog…I am blushing crimson to even think what he’d think of me, if he reads all these. But I can't help writing about this. Some situations simply compel you...if you live for a day after ages of non existence, won't you like to talk about it?