Last night...

I had never felt such trepidation as I felt yesterday night. I was…like…ignoring Yahoo with all my might. I actually wrote my blog entry offline, and then just logged in to publish it. Consequentially, I thought it is only fair to check whether he has replied. But I could not. My hands went numb, I almost began to shiver. I had to pay my credit card and telephone bills, to steady myself I did that first. Yet there was hardly any improvement in the situation. I was adamant. I won’t log in. I didn’t analyze, way I usually do, about what might or might not go wrong, what he might have written, etc. I was just not ready to face this ordeal. I panicked. I need music, I said. I tuned in to some silly songs I have always liked, Chori Chori Chupke se from a stupid film called, Lucky, no time for love :( (believe me) and Pehla Pyar ka Pehla Gham from Papa Kehte Hai…and that calmed down my nerves. I finally logged in, and saw there was a reply from him. That calmed me down even further, but nothing would have prepared me for what he said in his reply. It started with…”I remember you have a strong backbone” and he went on to describe some incident at school which I couldn’t remember at all. The rest of the message was even more curious. He said he’d explain things when we meet (this was the first time a meeting was brought up) and that we’ll surely meet in some (mind you, some, not mine or your) marriage reception, in two months to two years time. He went on to talk about God playing with his life and his dislike for lawyers. Totally unrelated stuff, if you ask me. And I can’t even describe in words, how emotionally traumatized I felt after reading his message. I cried almost for an hour, till my eyes looked blood shot. Haven’t cried so much for quite sometime now. The simple explanation would be that he’s getting married and there is some issue about it, which is being solved by a lawyer. I am not sure if that deduction made me cry, or his warm and familiar tone. But afterwards, I wrote out a reply. Wrote whatever came in my mind, just put my vulnerability in words you may say. And I decided to be done with it right there and then, I didn’t care that it was 1:30 in the night, and I shouldn’t post something this late, to an apparently unknown guy's message box. I just wanted to wake up unburdened this morning. All I can say is, I haven’t felt so intensely for a while now. I still haven’t checked for his reply, if any, I don’t want to…

I put myself to sleep with Suman's songs after a long long time...it keeps coming back even now...

পাল্টে গেলি তুই, আমিও পাল্টে -

গিয়েছি মাঝ পথে হাঁটতে হাঁটতে...

বন্ধু কি খবর বল - কতদিন দেখা হয়নি...

It was like somebody has put a mirror in front of me...Mirror of Erised...from Harry Potter. It was nice, it felt good. I told him that too.