The walk together...

When you don’t get a solution you should stop thinking. Maybe that’s all I should do. Stop my stupidities, my burning curiosities, my habit of analyzing and dissecting every bit of a moment and trying to draw an inference, maybe I need to learn to leave things alone. To not try and predefine the track my life should take. And I should stop being judgmental. I should stop being negative, or for that matter being positive as well. 

No, this is your limit, don’t cross it. Don’t take any action. Don’t try and make yourself happy. You are supposed to live this way, zombie style. What you have done till now – that itself is outrageous. Keep some of your honor intact. You are a lady for God’s sake. Do not beg.

And I told him as much. I can’t beg. And I left it at that. It is not schizophrenia, even I believe so, like he does, but whenever I’ve been too insisting with my ordeals, he started talking vaguely and impractically, and I told him right away, that his suggestions don’t have any meat in them, which disturbed him further. I didn’t like the state he is currently in, though his real self glittered out once or twice, and I loved it.

You know D’bhai, all these while, I have hated my supposed soul mate. For not coming earlier, for not bailing me out of this terrible terrible life. I never thought that he’d be in as much need of me, as I of him. Oh, the vulnerability – I still can’t believe. I am one pillar of strength compared to him. But I finally managed to drive this in his head, that his situation is rather perceived. It is not the end of the world for him. He admitted that I am in a much worse condition. I don’t know what more I could have done. If we are soul mates, then, so far as I understand, our integrity matters a lot to us. So he won’t stop pursuing his current relationship, just because he has met me. And I cannot probably cause him more emotional turmoil right now – when he is already in a state of mental instability. I need to give him a lot of space and time, and I cannot be selfish. For once, let us not be selfish. 

And let's dissociate ourselves from this right away. I don't want a দীপ জ্বেলে যাই in my life. As much as I hate this current life, that, would definitely be worse...

Aah, placeholders don't remain so, and I can't even go back to my best friend now (even virtually). Is that going to be all?